I COULDN'T GET to sleep, no matter how hard I tried; it was impossible to relax when I was worrying so much. I was worried about Noah, of course, but most of all I worried about Lee. Noah could take care of himself – he'd be alright. But Lee? He couldn't just stick a Band-Aid on this and be all okay.
It got to midnight before my willpower ran out and I couldn't stand it any longer. I grabbed my cell phone and speed-dialed number two.
It rang. And rang, and rang, and rang. And, when it was on the verge of going to voicemail, he picked up.
'Shelly?'
I let out a huge gush of air; I hadn't known I was holding my breath. 'Lee.'
Seconds of silence passed between us, the sound of each other's breathing the only reassurance that we were still both there. I broke first.
'How are you?'
'Honestly? I don't know.'
I nodded, even though he couldn't see. 'I'm so sorry, Lee. I never meant for this all to happen. Not like this.'
He sighed. 'Yeah, but you still let it happen.'
'I know, I know. I screwed up.'
'That's the understatement of the century,' he snorted, but I heard the chuckle in his voice he tried so hard to disguise as a cough. I let out a breath of laughter too.
'I know. I'm sorry. I just . . . It seemed like the best option, not telling you. I knew it'd kill you to think I was going behind your back to hook up with your brother – it was so stupid of me . . . I kept meaning to end it, and I hated lying to you, but I didn't end it, and I let it all carry on, and . . .' I trailed off helplessly. 'I thought I was doing the right thing by not telling you: it might not have worked out, and I didn't want you to get caught up in any of it. I thought I was . . . protecting you.'
He didn't say anything for a long while. I knew he was still there; he was breathing down the phone.
'I'm sorry, Lee. I'm so sorry.'
It didn't surprise me to find that my eyes were brimming with tears. I sniffed, trying not to cry. Lee would know if I was crying, even without being able to see me.
'Do you hate me?' I had to ask him. I couldn't bear not knowing, especially when he wasn't responding to me. 'Lee?'
'I don't . . . hate you,' he replied hesitantly. 'But I sure as hell don't like you an awful lot at this moment. I can't believe you kept that from me all this time! And Noah too, when I thought you guys couldn't go five seconds in the same room without arguing.'
Now I was silent. I was too afraid of making things worse.
I stifled a yawn.
'Get some sleep, Elle,' Lee sighed, his voice gentle, caring. 'I'll see you in the morning.'
'You mean you're still taking me to school?'
'Of course I am. When have I ever not?'
That was when I did start crying – but these were tears of relief. I wiped the back of my hand across my cheeks. I didn't want Lee to hear and think I was being pathetic.
'I'll see you in the morning,' he repeated. ''Night, Elle.'
''Night,' I replied. But just before he could hang up, I blurted, 'Lee?'
'Yeah?'
'You know I love you, right?'
I heard the smile in his voice when he said, 'Yeah, I know. I love you too. Although that doesn't mean I have to like you all the time.'
I was smiling now. 'I know.'
They say if you love something, you set it free. Well, there was no chance in hell I would've let my best friend free without putting up a fight.
Then we hung up. Within seconds, I was asleep.
The next morning, I stood in front of the mirror layering concealer over the bags under my eyes. I didn't want anybody to suspect that anything was wrong; I couldn't let it get out about Noah and me – and it wouldn't exactly make Lee feel any better.
The giveaway noise of two short bursts of a car horn outside made me spring back from the mirror. My huge grin spread from ear to ear. I snatched up my satchel and barreled down the stairs.
'See you later!' I called.
'Is Lee there?' my dad asked.
'Yeah. Bye!'
I slid into the passenger seat of the Mustang and threw my arms around Lee. The handbrake stuck into my stomach and I hit my elbow on the steering wheel, but I didn't care. I still had Lee. That's what mattered.
He chuckled, hugging me back tight. 'Nice to see you too.'
'I'm going to do anything to make this up to you, I swear. Honestly, I really am sorry.'
'I know you are,' he said. 'And I'll hold you to that.'
'Anything within reason,' I added. 'So no lifetime supplies of milkshakes. I do have to save up for college, you know.'
He paused, hand hovering over the gear stick, and looked me in the eye. 'Fair enough. Then how 'bout a kiss?'
I blinked. 'Excuse me?'
'You heard.' There was a twinkle in his eye, but I still wasn't entirely sure if he was joking or not.
'Is this the part where my best friend tells me he's madly in love with me?' I tried to joke, laughing nervously.
Lee looked away shiftily, clearing his throat and putting the car in gear. I think my heart actually stopped.
'Well . . .' He cleared his throat again and shifted around in his seat, tugging at the seatbelt.
My jaw dropped for a split second before he chuckled. I gave a weak smile, laughing too now. I swatted his arm with the back of my hand and he waved me off.
'I'm kidding,' he laughed. 'No way. I just couldn't resist. Did you actually think I was serious? C'mon, Shelly, that'd just be way too weird.'
I smiled. 'Yeah, you got that right.'
He pulled away from the sidewalk, and we sat in silence for a few seconds before I asked tentatively, 'Have you, um . . . Have you spoken to your brother since last night?'
Lee's hands gripped the steering wheel tighter; his knuckles turned white. 'No,' he told me through clenched teeth. 'And you know what I say? Good riddance to him. If he can't deal with the mess he's made, then he really is just a coward. I know you're not innocent in all of this, but he shouldn't have treated you like that. You deserve better.'
I shook my head. I couldn't agree with that.
'He's never going to change, Elle. He's always going to be a self-centered player.'
'You can't honestly believe that.' Neither of us had ever been entirely sure the whole 'player' thing was a hundred percent true, but here Lee was, buying into it.
Lee shrugged. 'It's Noah.' As though that were answer enough to everything.
Shame it didn't seem to feel like the right answer; the answer I wanted to solve all this.
I'd woken up unusually early that morning and hadn't been able to go back to sleep. I was too preoccupied thinking about Noah and our relationship – whatever kind of relationship it was. I was happy with Noah, sure – but Lee was still the most important person in my life, and I couldn't risk losing him again. And if that meant I had to sacrifice being with Noah, then I'd do it in a heartbeat.
But I didn't know what Noah would think of all this. Did he still want to be together? Maybe this was just a short-term thing for him, something until he left for college in the fall. Something that had caused far too much hassle.
'What?' Lee asked.
'Nothing. Never mind.'
For once, he didn't push it.
At school, nobody seemed to think anything had happened; there weren't even any rumors going around. Everything was totally, completely normal. The way it should be.
I stole a glance at Lee as we were talking to the guys. He caught my eye and gave me a half-hearted smile, shrugging one shoulder. He was just as uncomfortable acting like everything was fine as I was.
Things weren't too bad until we were on our way to homeroom and I heard my name being called over the noise of students moving though the school.
'Elle! Hold up a second! Elle!'
My head snapped up. It was Noah's voice. I grasped Lee's arm, looking at him with wild eyes. What was I supposed to do now?
'Elle!' He was getting closer. I didn't want to deal with this right now. 'Elle, hang on!'
I yanked Lee's arm and tugged him after me as I diverted down the nearest corridor. We stopped just outside the classroom.
'I can't deal with him right now,' I explained to Lee quietly, finally letting go of his arm.
'Yeah, I don't blame you.' He gave me a smile. 'Forget about him.'
'You say that like it's so easy. I can't avoid him for the rest of my life. He's your brother, for Pete's sake.'
'Thanks for the reminder,' he muttered irritably. Then he sighed, running a hand back and forth through his hair and making it stick up even more. 'Never mind. Guess you're right, though. It's gonna be pretty awkward between you two now.'
'Thanks for the support,' I mumbled sarcastically.
'Come on.' He led the way into our homeroom, and that was the end of the conversation.
I managed to avoid Noah until lunchtime.
I sat down next to Rachel and Lee, who were hanging out under a cluster of trees near the football field.
'Very healthy,' Rachel commented, nodding at my can of orange soda and candy bar.
'Yup. You know me – ever the health freak.'
'So I heard about the whole Flynn – I mean, Noah – thing,' she said quietly, offering a sympathetic smile. Promptly, Lee climbed to his feet, then bent to give Rachel a quick kiss. 'I'm gonna go join the guys playing football. See you in a bit.'
'Still a bit of a sensitive topic,' I mumbled. 'At least, more so for Lee.'
'Yeah . . . but I thought you could maybe use some girl talk.'
'You're absolutely right.'
'So . . .' She wriggled so that she was half lying down, propped up on her elbows, and I moved around to sit in the same position beside her. 'Did you really like him? Or was it just for sex?'
I blushed. 'That was only the one time. I was too scared of getting caught after that.' I exhaled through my nose, searching for the right words. 'He doesn't exactly have a lot of redeeming qualities. He can be overprotective, he gets in fights, he's impulsive—'
'Aside from his undeniable hotness,' she argued. 'Don't tell me that's not a redeeming quality.'
I laughed. 'Careful – that's practically your brother-in-law you're talking about there.'
She shrugged, and we both laughed again. I wanted to change the subject, but couldn't think of any subtle way to do so.
It was Rachel who carried on talking. 'Lee's going to be pretty torn up if you do get back with his brother. I can see how it's weird for him; and if you get hurt, you might not want to see Lee anymore – he'd miss you and I know he'd hate to lose his brother too, and . . .' She trailed off, biting her lip and looking away.
'Did Lee say all that?'
She smiled guiltily. 'You know, he sounded ready to cry when he called me yesterday. He doesn't want to lose you. You guys are practically twins.'
I broke off a blade of grass and twirled it around my index finger. 'Most of his other girlfriends have been threatened by how close we are. They've always said they're suspicious that, you know, it's one of those things where you fall for your best friend. Which is just ridiculous and way more than a little weird, you know? Anyway. My point is, I'm glad you're not like that.' I laughed wryly. 'I think you're actually the first of his girlfriends who hasn't hated me.'
'You're peas in a pod. I couldn't imagine you guys being in a relationship like that.'
'Finally,' I exclaimed, 'someone who sees that other than Cam and Dixon.'
'Although . . . the way you're talking, it is a little unnerving how many girlfriends he's had.'
'Not that many actually,' I said. 'But I'll tell you a secret.'
'Ooh, I'm listening,' she said, making both of us giggle. 'Shoot.'
'You're the first girl he's ever ditched me for. So it must be pretty serious with you two.'
'I hope so,' she said. 'I really, really like him.'
'You'd better! Have you seen the way he looks at you?'
Her whole face brightened up. 'It's not just my imagination then?'
I shook my head. 'You guys are so cute together.'
'Thanks.'
We sat in silence a little while, watching the boys throw the ball around in front of us.
'So what do you think you're going to do about Flynn? I mean, Noah. God. Lee keeps telling me to just call him Noah, but it's so weird, you know?'
I sighed. I thought I'd managed to steer her away from that topic. 'I don't know. I shouldn't do anything, but I want to, and . . . I'm confused. And Lee . . .' I sighed again. 'I don't know.'
'Well, you'd better figure out quick.'
'Why?'
'He's coming over here right now.'
I sat bolt upright, spilling my soda in the grass. 'Shit,' I muttered, clambering to my feet before it spilled onto my pants too. I dusted myself off and looked up to see Noah striding across the football field, coming straight toward me with a purposeful expression. All eyes were on him – or me, in the case of some extremely jealous girls.
'Elle! Where are you going?' Rachel cried after me.
I ran off to the girls' bathroom like I was running from fire. I locked myself in a cubicle and despite several girls – Rachel, Lisa, Olivia, Jaime, Karen – trying to get me to come back out, I refused.
I didn't come out until someone started bashing the door in and I heard Lee shouting, 'Shelly, get your ass out here now.'
I threw open the door. 'You can't come in here! This is the girls' room!'
'Who gives a shit. Now come on. Get yourself together.'
'Lee Flynn! What on earth do you think you are doing in here?' cried a teacher, suddenly appearing from nowhere – Miss Harris, one of the math teachers.
'Uh . . . women's troubles? Really bad cramps, you know.'
'Get out of here right now, young man, before I give you two weeks' detention!'
He rolled his eyes and grabbed my wrist before I could do or say anything. I didn't want him getting in trouble so I let him drag me out. Luck was on my side for a moment though: the bell rang and we had to go to class. As I sat down in English, I checked my cell phone. Another text from Noah.
I deleted it before I even read it.