Tajima Sanzo, the 669th Demon King, stood frozen in terror, staring up at a colossal, moss-covered Stone Guardian towering over them.
It was massive, covered in jagged rocks, and every step it took made the ground tremble.
Tajima's legs shook.
"I— I change my mind! We don't need more recruits!"
The system disagreed.
[NEW OBJECTIVE UNLOCKED: RECRUIT THE STONE GUARDIAN.]
Tajima screamed internally.
---
The Stone Guardian let out a deep, echoing roar.
Fenra grinned. "Alright, this one looks fun."
Raviria stretched her legs. "I'm taking first kick."
Mimi wiggled excitedly. "Can I sit on its head if we win~?"
Tajima snapped his head toward them. "WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! WHO SAID WE'RE FIGHTING IT!?"
Fenra side-eyed him. "You wanted an army expansion, didn't you?"
Tajima panicked. "Yes! But I meant smaller things! Like a goblin! A tiny imp! Not a moving mountain!"
Beelzecluck adjusted its monocle, as if to say 'too late now.'
Tajima was about to turn and run when the Stone Guardian lifted its massive stone fist—
And swung directly at him.
Tajima screamed.
---
Fenra appeared behind him in an instant, grabbing his collar and yanking him out of the way.
The Stone Guardian's fist slammed into the ground, shaking the entire forest.
Tajima was now dangling in the air like a sack of rice.
"…I almost died."
Fenra nodded. "Yup."
Tajima turned to Beelzecluck. "DID YOU SEE THAT!? I ALMOST DIED!"
Beelzecluck calmly adjusted its top hat.
Tajima screamed again.
---
Mimi bounced forward. "Ooooh~ I wanna try something!"
Tajima gasped. "MIMI, WAIT—"
Too late.
Mimi morphed into a gelatinous, wobbly blob and launched herself at the Stone Guardian.
The system immediately warned them.
[WARNING: THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.]
Mimi landed on the Guardian's face and jiggled excitedly.
The Guardian froze.
Tajima held his breath.
Then—
The Guardian let out an ear-splitting roar.
Mimi got flung off like a rubber ball.
She bounced off a tree, then a rock, then another tree—
And landed directly on Tajima.
Tajima collapsed under a pile of bouncing slime.
"…I hate this world."
---
Fenra cracked her knuckles. "Alright, enough playing around."
She vanished in an instant.
Raviria followed right after her.
Tajima barely managed to lift his head from the ground.
"W-Wait—DON'T JUST JUMP INTO BATTLE!"
The Stone Guardian raised its fists to attack—
But before it could swing—
BOOM.
Fenra delivered a brutal spinning kick to its side, causing the entire forest to shake.
Raviria drop-kicked its leg so hard that a chunk of stone broke off.
Mimi, recovered from being thrown, morphed into a whip and wrapped around its arm.
Beelzecluck did absolutely nothing.
Tajima watched in absolute shock.
His minions were destroying a literal mountain.
"…What the hell am I watching?"
The system had an answer.
[YOU ARE WATCHING YOUR OP MINIONS WIN FOR YOU.]
Tajima wanted to cry.
---
The Stone Guardian let out another roar, shaking violently.
Mimi grinned. "Ooooh~ It's almost broken!"
Fenra vanished and reappeared behind it.
Raviria jumped back, preparing for another devastating kick.
Tajima panicked.
"WAIT! DON'T DESTROY IT!"
Everyone froze.
Even the Stone Guardian hesitated.
Tajima scrambled to his feet.
"I— I mean, if we destroy it, we can't recruit it, right!?"
The system acknowledged his logic.
[FACT: A DESTROYED MONSTER CANNOT BE RECRUITED.]
Fenra lowered her claws. "So what do we do?"
Tajima stared at the half-broken Stone Guardian.
It was panting, still standing, but clearly losing.
He took a deep breath.
Alright. Time to use his signature move.
Bullshitting.
---
Tajima stepped forward dramatically.
"Mighty Stone Guardian!"
The monster glared at him.
"I, the Great Demon King Tajima, have witnessed your incredible power!"
Raviria facepalmed.
Fenra crossed her arms, smirking.
Mimi bounced happily.
Beelzecluck did not care.
The Stone Guardian grumbled but did not attack.
Tajima continued, fully committing to the nonsense.
"We do not need to fight! Instead, I offer you a new purpose! Join me, and your strength shall be feared across the land! You will not be a simple guardian of an empty forest—you will be part of the greatest Demon King's Army ever assembled!"
Silence.
The Stone Guardian stood still.
Tajima gulped.
Then—
It slowly lowered its fists.
And knelt.
The system immediately responded.
[CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY RECRUITED: STONE GUARDIAN.]
Tajima froze.
"…THAT WORKED!?"
Fenra grinned. "Looks like he likes dramatic speeches."
Mimi cheered. "Yay~ Big rock friend~!"
Raviria rolled her shoulders. "Huh. I was kinda hoping for another fight."
Beelzecluck adjusted its monocle.
Tajima collapsed onto his knees.
"…Why do I have the dumbest recruitment strategy ever?"
The system cheerfully chimed in.
[BECAUSE IT WORKS.]
Tajima screamed into the sky.
---
To Be Continued…