[Whoosh!]
The family limousine rolled to a stop in front of Rosesworth Academy, a private high school so disgustingly fancy that even its name sounded expensive. The main building loomed like a European castle, complete with intricate stonework, towering spires, and an unnecessary number of rose bushes.
The moment I stepped out, the entire atmosphere shifted. Students moved aside, whispering as they cast nervous glances in my direction.
[Whisper whisper.]
"That's Souta Tachibana…"
"I heard he crushed a first-year's dreams last week…"
"His family owns half the city!"
Oh, right. My reputation.
According to anime lore, I was a spoiled, sadistic heir who tormented commoners for fun. In reality? I just wanted to not get obliterated by the protagonist today.
Unfortunately, fate had other plans.
"Oi, Tachibana!" A loud, heroic voice cut through the murmurs. "Stop right there!"
I groaned.
Enter: Renji Kamiyama—the walking anime protagonist himself.
Sunlight practically glowed around him as he strode forward, golden hair shining like a shampoo commercial. His crisp uniform was somehow more perfect than everyone else's, his stance effortlessly confident.
And the worst part?
His theme music practically started playing in the background.
I deadpanned. "Oh, for the love of—where's that music even coming from?!"
Renji smirked, crossing his arms. "What's wrong? Afraid to face me today, rich boy?"
I blinked. "Dude, it's literally 8 AM. I haven't even digested my wine yet. Can you let me exist for five minutes?"
A collective gasp echoed through the courtyard.
"Tachibana is backing down?!"
"Impossible!"
"What trick is this?!"
I threw up my hands. "Yes, that's right, everyone! I, the supposed school tyrant, have decided to take a vow of peace and nonviolence! I shall dedicate myself to a quiet academic life, filled with studying, self-reflection, and—"
Renji lunged forward. "Enough talk! Fight me!"
I barely dodged as his fist whooshed past my face.
"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" I shrieked, diving behind a rose bush. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING BEFORE HOMEROOM?!"
The students watched in stunned silence.
Renji adjusted his uniform. "Because I, Renji Kamiyama, will never let evil run free!"
I groaned, rubbing my face. "I hate this anime."
Renji cracked his knuckles, his heroic grin practically sparkling. I was still crouched behind the rose bush, hoping if I stayed there long enough, this entire anime would just reset without me.
Spoiler: It didn't.
"You can't run forever, Tachibana!" Renji called out, eyes blazing with righteous fury. "Face me like a man!"
"Like a man? Bro, it's homeroom!" I hissed. "Can't we just—oh, I don't know—go to class like normal human beings?!"
"Villains like you don't get to choose when justice comes!"
"What even is my crime?! Having rich parents?!"
The gathered crowd gasped. A few girls clutched their chests like I had just uttered the darkest of incantations. Some random guy in the back whispered, "He admits it…"
[Thunk!]
I let my forehead hit the rose bush, accepting my fate. This was my life now. Trapped inside a poorly written harem anime where logic was a suggestion at best.
"Alright, fine," I groaned, dragging myself to my feet. "Let's get this over with. What's the stupid duel about this time?"
Renji smirked, stepping forward with the confidence of a guy who definitely had protagonist plot armor. "Simple. You insulted an innocent girl yesterday! A noble lady of our academy! And I cannot allow such cruelty to stand!"
My brain short-circuited. "I… what? Who?!"
A delicate voice suddenly piped up from the crowd. "U-um… me…"
I turned to find a girl nervously fidgeting with the hem of her frilly dress.
It was Lady Emilia de Blancheford—your typical blonde, blue-eyed, refined noble lady who was, of course, madly in love with the protagonist and doomed to be saved by him at every turn. The problem? I literally had never spoken to her before in my life.
I stared at her. "Lady Blancheford, with all due respect, I don't even know you."
She blushed, looking down. "I… well… you walked past me in the corridor yesterday and… and you didn't greet me."
Silence.
Complete, absolute silence.
Then Renji roared, "HOW DARE YOU IGNORE A LADY OF HER STATURE?!"
"Oh my GOD." I clutched my temples. "I walked past you? That's my crime?!"
"You scowled at her as well!"
"I SCOWL AT EVERYTHING! THAT'S JUST MY FACE!"
"ENOUGH TALK! Prepare yourself!"
Before I could protest, some random butler (because of course a duel required a butler referee) stepped forward and clapped his hands. "The terms are set. A duel shall commence. A battle of honor, skill, and—"
"Can I forfeit?" I asked, raising a hand.
The butler ignored me. "—integrity! The winner shall decide the fate of the loser!"
"I swear to god, if I have to transfer schools because of this—"
Renji had already drawn his sword. A real, actual sword. I was still in my school uniform, holding a school bag.
[Whoosh!]
He lunged. I dodged. Barely.
"WHY ARE YOU SWINGING A SWORD AT ME BEFORE THE MATCH EVEN STARTS?!"
"A TRUE HERO DOES NOT WAIT FOR HIS FOE TO STRIKE FIRST!"
"THAT'S JUST CALLED BEING A CHEATER, YOU GOLDEN-HAIRED LUNATIC!"
The crowd erupted into cheers.
"Renji is so bold!"
"Such decisive action!"
"He's protecting the ladies!"
I took a deep breath. Okay. Think, Tachibana. Think. How do I survive this without getting impaled and without triggering more unnecessary drama?
Step one: stall.
I dramatically pointed to the side. "OH MY GOD, IS THAT THE PRINCIPAL OVER THERE?!"
Renji, like the idiot he was, actually turned his head. "Huh? Where?!"
[WHAM!]
I threw my school bag at him and sprinted.
"COWARD!" he shouted, dodging at the last second.
"IT'S CALLED STRATEGIC RETREAT!"
Renji dashed after me, sword glinting in the sunlight. The crowd followed, screaming in excitement. Why was this even happening?!
"GET BACK HERE AND FACE ME, TACHIBANA!"
"DUDE, WE HAVE A MATH TEST IN TEN MINUTES! GO TO CLASS!"
"JUSTICE NEVER RESTS!"
"IT SHOULD! IT REALLY SHOULD!"
And that's how I ended up sprinting across campus, being chased by a sword-wielding lunatic, while a crowd of actual idiots cheered on what was apparently the best entertainment they'd seen all week.
This anime world was going to kill me.
And the worst part?
I hadn't even digested my morning wine yet.