I didn't expect to die today.
But as I lay on the cold pavement, crushed between a vending machine and an outofcontrol delivery truck, I had only one thought: This is the dumbest way to die.
A moment ago, I had just been trying to shake loose a stuck soda. Then, BAM! Instant roadkill.
As my vision faded, the last thing I saw was the smug grin of the vending machine, as if mocking me.
When I opened my eyes, I was no longer on the pavement. Instead, I floated in a pristine, glowing void. Before me hovered an old man with a white beard, a golden toga, and the same deadpan expression as a DMV worker.
"Oh, great," I muttered. "I'm dead, aren't I?"
"Yes," the old man said, stroking his beard. "And you have been chosen for reincarnation in another world."
My eyes widened. "Wait. Hold up. Are you telling me… I'm getting isekai'd? Like in the anime?"
The old man nodded. "Indeed. You have been selected to wield a powerful system, one that will grant you abilities beyond mortal comprehension."
I fistpumped. "Hell yeah! Overpowered skills, here I come!"
The old man coughed. "Yes, well… about that."
I narrowed my eyes. "What do you mean, about that?"
"You see, we have too many reincarnators lately. We can't just be handing out godtier powers like candy anymore."
I folded my arms. "Okay, so what are we talking? A slightly nerfed cheat? A balanced growth system?"
The old man looked away. "You'll… figure it out."
My stomach dropped. "Oh, hell no. You're about to scam me, aren't you?"
"I would never!" the old man said, voice dripping with totally believable innocence. "Now, off you go!"
Before I could protest, a celestial hand grabbed me by the back of my shirt and launched me into a blinding light.
I woke up lying facedown in a grassy field.
My head throbbed. My mouth was full of dirt. And the first thing I heard was a loud, menacing roar.
Slowly, I turned my head.
A giant, snarling wolf the size of a minivan stood ten feet away, drool dripping from its fangs.
"Oh, come on," I groaned. "I just got here!"
[ SYSTEM ACTIVATED! ]
A glowing blue screen suddenly popped up in my vision.
[SMART ASSHOLE SYSTEM LOADED]
Congratulations, loser! You've been granted the Smart Adaptive System (S.A.S. for short)!
Your current level: 1 (Pathetic)
Your stats: Trashtier
Your skills: None
Your title: "Fresh Meat"
Have fun not dying!
I blinked. "What the hell kind of system message is this?!"
[ Mission Received! ]
Survive for 5 minutes.
Reward: Basic Starter Pack
Failure: Death (duh).
"Oh, great." I scrambled to my feet. "The system's a troll, and I'm already in a death match."
The wolf growled and lunged.
I did what any rational person would do.
I ran for my freaking life.
I sprinted through the field, barely dodging as the giant wolf snapped at my heels. My brain raced.
Okay, think! What do I have? Skills? Magic? A freaking stick?!
I checked my system panel while running.
[Inventory: Empty]
[Abilities: None]
[Equipment: Ragged Shirt, Dirt Covered Pants, Bare Feet]
I swore. "I don't even get starter gear?! Bro, I crashed out harder than a dude betting his rent money on parlays, and this is what I wake up to?!"
The wolf lunged again. I barely managed to roll aside, hitting the ground hard.
[ TIP FROM YOUR SYSTEM: Try not dying. ]
"NOT HELPING!" I yelled.
The wolf pounced again.
At the last second, I ducked and kicked a rock into its face.
The wolf yelped, momentarily stunned.
[ Time Survived: 4 minutes. ]
Almost there.
Then the wolf shook off the pain and charged again, twice as mad.
"Welp. I'm dead."
Dumb Luck = Overpowered Cheat?
Just as I braced for impact, I tripped over my own feet.
THUNK!
I crashed into a fallen tree branch, sending it flying straight into the wolf's skull like a javelin.
The wolf froze, eyes rolling back, before collapsing in a heap.
[ CONGRATULATIONS! You accidentally defeated a Dire Wolf! ]
[ Reward Unlocked: Starter Pack! ]
A small pouch materialized in my hands.
I stared at the wolf, then at the branch, then back at the wolf.
"…Did I seriously just kill a monster by accident?"
[ Yes. Because you suck at combat, but the universe pities you. ]
I scowled. "I hate this system."
I sat down, still catching my breath. I opened the starter pack and pulled out a rusty dagger, a half eaten loaf of bread, and a single healing potion.
"…This is garbage."
[ You're welcome. ]
Sighing, I looked out at the horizon. A massive castle loomed in the distance, smoke rising from a village nearby.
"Alright. New world, new life." I stood up, stretching. "Time to find civilization. Maybe some decent clothes. And preferably, a hot elf girlfriend."
As I approached the village, I could see the chaos. The once-quaint houses were now smoldering ruins. The screams of the villagers were faint but still pierced my ears.
"Great," I muttered to myself. "This is the kind of shit show I get for a starter area?"
The system's troll-like behavior had me questioning the entire concept of divine intervention. How was I supposed to live up to the isekai protagonist hype if I couldn't even take down a wolf? But, as I took a bite of the stale bread, I figured that maybe, just maybe, there was something to this whole 'dumb luck' angle. If I couldn't be a badass warrior, I could at least be a lucky one.
As I approached the smoking village, I couldn't help but think about the voluptuous elf girls I'd seen in the anime. The kind with gravity-defying tits that seemed to have a life of their own. Maybe, just maybe, the universe had thrown me a bone, and I'd stumble into a harem of busty beauties eager to shower me with affection.
[Wake up, hero]
the system's snarky voice interrupted my daydream.
[You're not in a fanfic. You're in a disaster zone]
"Yeah well you can fuck right off you damn nuisance"