If I thought swinging a mop around was hard, magic turned out to be a whole new level of disaster waiting to happen.
The next morning, Lilith dragged me—figuratively this time—to the castle's magic training hall. The place was like a scene out of Harry Potter, with floating candles, glowing runes, and an unsettling number of scorch marks on the walls.
"Today, you'll learn the basics of spellcasting!" Lilith announced proudly, clapping her hands together.
"Basics? Great. Do I get a wand or something?" I asked, hoping magic might actually be easier than dodging axes.
"Wands are for amateurs," she replied, handing me… a turnip.
I blinked. "This is a vegetable."
"Exactly. Channel your energy into it, and it will serve as your magical focus."
"Or it'll just explode in my face," I muttered, but Lilith ignored me.
Lesson One: Fireball (A.K.A. How to Burn Down a Castle)
The first spell I was supposed to learn was Fireball. Sounds simple, right? Just concentrate, mutter some incantation, and bam—instant barbecue.
Except, as it turns out, "concentrate" is a lot harder when you're holding a turnip that looks like it's judging your life choices.
"Focus on the energy within you," Lilith instructed, pacing back and forth like some kind of demon drill sergeant. "Picture the fire in your mind, and let it flow through the turnip."
I closed my eyes, trying to focus. Fire, I thought. Big, hot fire. Nothing happened.
"Maybe it's broken," I said, shaking the turnip like it was a faulty flashlight.
"It's not broken! You're just not trying hard enough!" Lilith snapped.
I sighed and tried again. This time, I felt a faint tingle in my fingers. The turnip started to glow.
"Hey, it's working!" I grinned.
Then the turnip exploded.
Cleanup Crew
The blast sent me flying backward into a stack of spellbooks, which toppled over in a domino effect. By the time the smoke cleared, the training hall looked like a war zone.
Lilith stood there, covered in soot, her hair slightly singed. She didn't look mad, which was honestly scarier than if she'd started yelling.
"Well," she said, brushing ash off her dress. "That was… impressive."
"Impressive? I almost died!" I groaned, pulling a piece of turnip out of my hair.
"Magic is about trial and error," Lilith said with a shrug. "Mostly error, in your case."
"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence."
Lesson Two: Levitation (Or, How I Got Stuck on the Ceiling)
After the turnip incident, we moved on to levitation. This time, Lilith handed me a rock, which I hoped was less flammable.
"Just picture the object floating," she said. "It's all about intention."
I stared at the rock, concentrating as hard as I could. Slowly, it started to rise.
"Hey, I think I've got it!" I said, grinning.
The rock hovered a few inches above my palm. Then it shot into the air like a rocket and smashed into the ceiling, bringing half of the plaster down with it.
"Oops."
Lilith sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "You're supposed to lift the rock gently, not launch it into orbit."
"Details," I muttered, brushing dust off my shoulders.
A Surprise Visit
Just as I was about to attempt another spell (and probably destroy more castle property), the doors to the training hall burst open.
"Stop right there!" a familiar voice shouted.
It was Ryuu, the real Hero, looking as dramatic as ever in his shiny armor. He pointed his sword at me like he was expecting me to sprout horns and declare myself a villain.
"Ryuu, what are you doing here?" Lilith asked, her tone equal parts annoyed and amused.
"I've come to rescue him!" Ryuu declared, gesturing at me.
I raised an eyebrow. "Rescue me from what? Free meals and free housing?"
"From her! She's using you as a pawn in her sinister plans!" Ryuu shot back.
Lilith rolled her eyes. "For the last time, I'm not sinister. I'm pragmatic."
"Yeah, Ryuu," I said, crossing my arms. "She's just trying to teach me magic so I don't die. You know, like a responsible fiancé."
Ryuu's jaw dropped. "She's brainwashed you! Don't worry, I'll break the spell!"
Before I could protest, Ryuu charged at me, sword raised. I panicked, grabbing the nearest thing I could find—which happened to be another turnip.
"Stay back! I'm armed!" I shouted, holding the vegetable like it was a grenade.
Ryuu hesitated, clearly unsure how to handle this particular situation. Lilith, on the other hand, looked like she was trying not to laugh.
"You're holding it upside down," she pointed out.
"Oh, for crying out loud—"
Before I could fix my grip, the turnip exploded again.
Aftermath
When the dust settled, Ryuu was lying on the floor, groaning. Lilith stood over him, smirking.
"See? Kazuki doesn't need rescuing," she said. "He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Sort of."
"I hate this place," Ryuu muttered, sitting up and brushing turnip bits off his armor.
"Welcome to my world," I said, helping him up.
Lilith clapped her hands. "Alright, enough distractions! Back to training!"
I groaned, already dreading what fresh hell awaited me next.