Ronnie felt weightless, as if he were floating in a vast, endless void. He opened his eyes and blinked, taking in the strange space around him. Stars twinkled in the distance, galaxies swirling in a cosmic dance. It looked like something straight out of his desktop wallpaper—a breathtaking, otherworldly vista.
"Is this heaven?" he muttered, more to himself than anyone else.
A voice echoed around him, deep and resonant. "You are right, son. This is indeed what your civilization calls the Big Bang."
Ronnie turned, his eyes widening as he saw a figure glowing with pure, radiant light. The being was humanoid but featureless, its form shifting and shimmering like a living star.
"Whoa," Ronnie said, tilting his head. "Are you Jesus?"
The figure chuckled, the sound warm and melodic. "I wish I were, but no. I am what you might call a guardian—a being tasked with overseeing the balance of existence."
Ronnie crossed his arms, his trademark smirk returning. "Alright, Mr. Guardian. Do you like catgirls?"
The figure paused, its glow flickering slightly as if caught off guard. "What made you ask that all of a sudden?"
Ronnie shrugged. "I just wanna know if you vibe with me. But anyway, if this is heaven, I was expecting something grander. You know, golden gates, harps, maybe a buffet or two."
The guardian chuckled again, the sound like distant thunder. "No, this is not heaven. I have seen your stunts, Ron Celton, and I admire your fearlessness. It is extremely rare to find a soul that knows no fear."
Ronnie raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, well, fear's overrated. So, what's the deal? Am I stuck here, or are you sending me back?"
The guardian's glow dimmed slightly, its tone somber. "You weren't supposed to die. You were meant to live a long life and die of old age. But because of a mistake on my part, your time was cut short."
Ronnie laughed, the sound echoing in the vast space. "There are no accidents, man. I don't believe in fate and destiny and all that crap. I believe in the present. What happened back there already happened. I can't take it back, and I don't want to. I lived to my fullest." He grinned, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "No regrets."
The guardian's form shimmered, a hint of a smile in its voice. "It is as she said. The guardian of Earth told me you are the brightest soul to have incarnated on her world. You were supposed to bring more happiness, more light. But because of my error, I intend to give you an experience—a chance to live in another world."
Ronnie sat down, crossing his legs as if he were about to meditate. "Nah, I'm good. I think I'll take a rest now. Maybe catch up on some cosmic Netflix or something."
The guardian's glow brightened, its tone teasing. "But this world has magic."
Ronnie waved a hand dismissively. "No, thanks."
"You will have powers," the guardian added.
"Still not interested," Ronnie said, leaning back as if lounging on an invisible couch.
The guardian paused, then leaned in slightly, its voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "Ah, I see. But my world also has… cat-eared girls."
Ronnie froze. A shiver ran down his spine, and his mind raced. "Catgirls?" he said, his voice suddenly full of excitement. He leapt to his feet, getting uncomfortably close to the glowing figure. "You're telling me there are catgirls in this world?"
The guardian leaned back, its glow flickering uneasily. "Yes, we have cat-eared beings called Beastkin. They are quite… remarkable."
Ronnie turned away, pacing as he thought aloud. "Catgirls, huh? Magic, powers, and catgirls…" He spun around, pointing at the guardian. "Where do I sign up?"
The guardian's form shimmered with what could only be described as a smile. "I thought you might say that."
The glowing figure tilted its head, its form shimmering with curiosity. "First, I'd like to know how you will look in this new world."
Ronnie didn't hesitate. "I wanna look like me. Same face, same body, same everything. I'm Ron Celton, and I'm not about to change that."
The guardian smiled, its light flickering warmly. "Very well. What about powers? Surely you'd like something to help you navigate this new world."
Ronnie shook his head, his trademark grin spreading across his face. "Nah, powers are overrated. I'd rather explore the dangerous parts of your world on my own terms. That's where the fun is."
The guardian chuckled, its voice echoing like distant thunder. "Danger, you say? My world has more than enough of that. I wouldn't want to spoil the surprises, so you'll have to explore them yourself."
"Smart, man. Very smart," Ronnie said, nodding approvingly. "Keep me on my toes."
The guardian's glow brightened as it leaned closer. "If you don't want powers, what sort of abilities would you like? Surely there's something that would make your journey easier."
Ronnie thought for a moment, tapping his chin. "Hmm… well, there is one thing. Back on Earth, when I messed up a stunt, I'd get injured and have to sit around for weeks or months healing. It was a total buzzkill. So, maybe I could have a body that heals fast? That way, I can get back to the action without wasting time."
The guardian nodded, its light pulsing in agreement. "A rapid healing ability. That can be arranged. Anything else?"
Ronnie's eyes lit up as he leaned forward. "Okay, real talk—is your world like Earth? You know, modern stuff? Cars, food, Netflix, video games? Oh, and what about tanks, weapons, missiles, warships, nukes—"
The guardian's glow flickered uneasily, and it seemed to sweat despite its ethereal form. "Ah, fortunately, my world has none of those advanced technologies. The citizens are… rather behind in that regard. My world is based on what you might call a feudal age."
Ronnie slumped, his excitement deflating. "Ugh. So no burgers, no bikes, no stunts, no hunting deer? What am I supposed to do for fun?"
The guardian raised a glowing hand, its tone soothing. "I can grant you an ability that will allow you to experience something… similar. But you'll have to explore it yourself. No spoilers."
Ronnie groaned, running a hand through his hair. "Fine. But you're really testing my patience here, glowstick."
The guardian chuckled, its light shimmering with amusement. "One last question, Ron. Is there anything else you'd like? A final request, perhaps?"
Ronnie shrugged, his grin returning. "I don't know, dude. You're the all-powerful being here. Surprise me."
The guardian's smile widened, its glow intensifying. "Very well. If that's all…"
Before Ronnie could respond, a swirling portal opened beneath his feet. He looked down and saw a breathtaking view of clouds, mountains, and forests far below.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa—what the hell is this?!" Ronnie shouted, flailing his arms as he plummeted through the portal.
The guardian waved cheerfully, its voice echoing as the portal began to close. "Good luck, Ron Celton. I have a feeling you'll do great things."
"Fuck you, you old man!" Ronnie screamed, his voice fading as he fell.
The wind roared in his ears as he tumbled through the sky, the ground rushing up to meet him. For a brief moment, he felt the familiar thrill of freefall—until he hit the ground with an explosive thud.
Pain shot through his body as bones cracked and muscles screamed. But just as quickly, the pain faded, and his body began to heal itself. Ronnie groaned, pushing himself up and looking around. He was in the middle of a dense forest, the air thick with the scent of pine and earth.
"Well, that was fun," he muttered, brushing dirt off his…
Wait.
He looked down and realized he was completely naked.
"Oh, come on!" he shouted, throwing his hands up in exasperation. Then he paused, glancing down again and sighing in relief. "At least my willy's still here. Small victories, right?"
Just as Ronnie was lamenting his lack of clothes (and food), a glowing panel materialized in front of him. It hovered in the air, its interface sleek and futuristic. Words began to appear, glowing faintly:
[ System successfully bound with the host. ]
[ Online Shopping System Activated. ]
[ Amazen Shop is now online for orders. ]
Ronnie blinked, staring at the panel. "Is this what that glowstick was talking about? A shopping system? Seriously?"
He leaned closer, squinting at the interface. The design was eerily familiar—clean, user-friendly, and oddly reminiscent of a certain online retail giant.
"Wait a minute… this isn't similar to Amazon. This is Amazon!" he exclaimed, pointing at the screen. "I mean, look at it! The interface, the layout—it's just the name that's different. Amazen? What the hell kind of knockoff branding is that?"
He poked at the screen, and to his surprise, a holographic keyboard appeared. His eyes widened. "Whoa, what the hell? Holograms? What kind of advanced tech is this?!"
Shaking off his shock, Ronnie decided to test the system. "Alright, let's see… I'm starving. How about a burger?"
He typed "burger" into the search bar, and instantly, rows of options appeared. Cheeseburgers, double patties, vegan options—everything he could imagine. His mouth watered as he clicked on one, but just as he was about to place an order, a notification popped up:
[ You have insufficient balance. ]
"Balance? What the hell is my balance?" Ronnie muttered, tapping on the notification. Another panel appeared:
[ You currently have $0. ]
Ronnie stared at the screen, his jaw dropping. "Ahhh, what?! Zero dollars? How am I supposed to buy anything if I'm broke?!"
The system responded calmly:
[ You can earn currency by selling items of value. Insert the item into the system to receive payment. ]
Ronnie blinked. "Insert it? Like, put it into the screen? How does that even work?"
[ Yes. ]
"Ugh, fine," Ronnie grumbled, looking around. "Let's see what I've got…"
He picked up a nearby rock and held it up to the screen. The system scanned it, then displayed a message:
[ Item: Common Rock. Value: $0.01. Sell? Y/N ]
Ronnie stared at the screen, unimpressed. "A penny? For a rock? This is worse than a pawn shop."
He tossed the rock aside and sighed. "Alright, let's see what else this system can do."
He typed "Glock 19" into the search bar, and to his surprise, the results popped up immediately. Brand-new Glocks were priced at 540, while used ones go for 310.
"No way," Ronnie said, his eyes lighting up. "This is better than Amazon. They don't even sell guns on Amazon!"
Curious, he searched for "3D printer," and sure enough, several models appeared, priced around $8,900 for the high-end ones.
"Nice," Ronnie said, a grin spreading across his face. "I'm about to make this world know how oil feels. Whatever world this is, prepare yourselves—because the eagle is sniffing for oil."
He chuckled to himself, imagining the chaos he could cause. "Maybe I'll roleplay as the Lord of War, selling freedom to everyone with my 3D-printed guns. Democracy delivered straight to your doorstep!"
As he laughed, a thought occurred to him. "Wait a minute… if I can buy a 3D printer, I can make my own guns. And if I can make my own guns, I can sell them. And if I can sell them…"
His grin turned devilish. "This world isn't ready for me."