(Rose)
R - You're still pale as death... As snow. But you didn't bleed to death.
Bleue still can't quite stand up, but she can sit better and move her left arm as well as her head now.
I'm washing carefully the exposed flesh and bones of her shoulder and elbow on her right side.
Some bits of ripen muscles twitch as I touch them. The flesh is exposed raw, but it doesn't bleed.
Bleue doesn't seem to feel any pain there either. After the broken and exposed elbow, her hand is turning to a pale turquoise colour and barely warms up. There isn't much blood reaching the end of that arm.
I wonder if we should amputate it. It doesn't look like necrosis begun at least, yet. Maybe there's still a little blood flowing through normally.
Bleue follows my movements very carefully as I clean her wounds.
R - You're not feeling any pain?
B - It's diffused. The right half of my torso is completely numb as well...
R - I don't know if your flesh will grow back all over your wounds. Maybe you will lose your arm someday as well... But you will survive.
B - I won't die... Neither will you. For the cost of one of my arms... It's... not too bad. I'd rather have us not try such bargains for a little while though.
I smile at her in amusement. I wrap her flesh into fresh cloth. My head still hurts from the concussion I suffered at the time, but I'm essentially fine now.
Bleue still is pale and frail. She must have lost a lot of blood.
B - I know... You will take care of me... Even if I were to lose my arm... Even if I were to lose both.
R - Of course, because I love you.
B - Isn't your love greater than that? Compatible with mine?
I stop. I sigh silently. Why does she ask me that?
R - I... don't love you that way.
I seemed like an awful thing to say to her, given the face she then makes
B - You still hate skinship so. I had come to think you overcame that.
R - It's not all there is to it. I still see you as my sister. And I don't feel easy kissing women.
B - What about men?
R - ... I don't want to think about it.
I go out, angry. I'm being heavily conflicted about all this. I can't be or act innocent anymore. Not after everything I've been through and lived in this new world. I loved Blume in a different manner. I think a person without a human body actually fits me best.
A human body against mine...
I mostly feel disgust about the idea.
Whether it is a man or a woman makes only little difference after...
I feel disgust from my time with the woman who loved me in her own different way.
I feel terror at the idea of sleeping with a man. A primal fear. Sex is violence to me by default.
Touches... is in an unstable balance between that apprehension for human flesh, and normal affection like I had for all my family. I like patting and caressing hair. Kissing foreheads goodnight is motherly and I'm fine with that. What's not motherly stretches dangerously away from the touches I feel comfortable with. What I can accept in my normal mind...
I look at my hands a second as I recall strangling someone, and how I felt about it. I'm feeling sick. My thorns are itching...
That impulse to strangle that I suppress, is the closest thing I have to sexual drive and desire for another human being...
It comes from a need to control and overpower the other, violently, because only then, I can't be the one who gets hurt. How sad is that.
I don't like remembering that...
On the other hand however, I do love Bleue, more than anything.
But I can't touch her. For more reasons than one...
My fingers are twitching as I struggle putting my thoughts and emotions in proper order. I'm nervous.
I'm able to give some motherly love, daughter love, and sisterly love. Family love in a word. But romantic love... No. Not in a normal way...
R - Why the hell would you ask suddenly this one from me!
Why are you reminding me of these murky things within me that I hate so much...
I want them to remain buried forever...
I feel like oil is raining over me and I want to cry.
I heard her calling me back. I try to swallow and go back inside the refuge.
She looks sorry and sad. She knows what I'm going through because of her.
She lifts her arm as if to hug me kindly. My heart aches and that, I can accept. I go sit by her side, and rest my head against her good shoulder, sniffing.
B - I'm sorry Rose... Please forgive me sis...
I sob a little. I don't reply. I don't know what to say.
Love can hurt. It always did.
R - I can't love you more than I already do...
~
Her right arm still is incapable of moving or feeling anything. At least it doesn't rot either. It might get better over time.
The way she survived is not natural. She claimed her deception not having godly powers like the other monsters.
I think she has more than enough. She survived wounds and blood-loss no beast would have, and is getting better rapidly.
R - Also, the more power they have, the more unstable they can become. I'd rather keep you human.
B - I'm glad to hear it... Please, let me take care of your hair now.
I go lie down next to her to take a short nap, her valid hand over my hair. I shut my eyes and we keep talking as I go slowly into a lull.
B - Say, why are you afraid to touch me?
R - I don't want to strangle you...
B - I see...
I don't want to hurt you.
~
With my help, Bleue manages now to stand up, and to walk a little now. We will be able to travel inland soon enough.
Bleue hasn't asked anything weird of me since then. She's just gentle and quiet now. She reminds me of herself from another time.
She's just trying to be a little too considerate with me, ever since she saw how uneasy I could become when it comes to love.
B - You loved Blume, didn't you?
R - Yes. A lot.
B - Why?
R - Her strong love for me touched me. And we were similar in many ways, one of which being we tried to reach an ideal of ourselves. Well... It's more complex than that; it's not just two points on a check list that explain it all. But that would be the two easiest points of entry to that park of explanations and reasons.
B - It's hard to believe you were seduced by a flower.
R - Ah ah... Well... I always loved flowers, just like you.
B - Now that I think about it... You should have kept the pictures of us you left at home.
R - I would have lost them ten times along my journey anyway. You have no idea of how many things I've carried and lost over time. But we'll return there maybe someday. In a few years probably.
She grabs my hand and holds onto me. She leans her cheek against my shoulder.
B - I can live without seeing them. As long as... We can live happily ever after...
I smile. It really is you.
~