Lily sat by the window, her gaze unfocused, as raindrops streamed down the glass in thin, vertical lines. Her reflection starred back at her like a ghost, but it wasn't her face she saw. It was a version of herself that everyone else expected. The one who had always done everything right. The one who had faltered, who had always met the marks, who had never strayed from the narrow path paved for her.
The storm outside mirrored the storm inside her chest. It wasn't a feeling she could easily name. This was quiet panic, this sense of impending collapse. But there it was, tugging at the edges of her thoughts, pulling at her like an invisible current.
She'd been thinking a lot about expectations lately. Not just her parents or friends; but the ones she placed on herself. The ones that had always been there, lurking in the background, slowly eroding her peace. She didn't know how it had happened exactly -when the slow creep of responsibility had taken over, turning everything into a checklist of accomplishment. When her dreams had gotten buried under a mountain of duties, obligations and the constant need to meet everyone's else standards.
And now Lily felt like she was drowning. The apartment was quiete, save for the low hum of the refrigerator and the occasional sound of wind rattling the windows. She had left her phone in the other room on purpose. She didn't need it right now. She didn't need anymore notifications, anymore message from people reminding her of things to do or reminding her of what she was supposed to be.
Her mother's voice echoed in her mind " You're going to be something Lily. I just know it. You have so much potential. So many doors open for you. But you have to keep working, keep pushing. Don't let yourself slack off ".
Lily's chest tightened at the memory. It wasn't that he'd mother didn't love her. She did, deeply , but it was always about what Lily could become, not who she was right now.
" Don't waste your potential, Lily life won't wait for you ". Her mother's words rang in her ears like drumbeat , loud and insistent.
And it wasn't just her mother, it was the expectation of everyone around her. The world she was expected to follow without question. Straight A's in school,an ivy league university, a high paying job, a perfect boyfriend, a flawless social media presence, a successful career.
When had it all become so rigid ? When had the joy of simply being herself slipped away like sand through her fingers?
Lily shifted in her seat, pushing he'd hair behind her ear. She had always been good at pretending . She was good at showing up and smiling and being the person everyone expected her to be. But lately, she was starting to feel like a performance. And like all performances, th more she pretended, the more exhausted she became.
Her thoughts wandered back to a conversation she'd had with her best friend Amy , a few days ago. They'd met up for coffee, as often did when they were both home for the weekend. Amy had always been the free spirur- impulsive, carefree, unburdened by the weight of expectations, lily envied her sometimes, even though she never said it aloud.
" I don't get it, Lily" Amy had said, her brow furrowed as she stirred her drink absentmindedly. " You're so smart, you have got everything going for you, and yet .... You look like you are about to crack any minute. What's going on?
Lily had shrugged, brushing it off with a forced laugh " it's nothing... Just... You know school stuff... Life stuff. " But Amy hadn't let it go " it not just school stuff.. I can tell, you're not happy . You are like a robot sometimes, doing everything you're supposed to do and it's exhaustingvjust watching you".
Amy's words had stung more thanily had expected. The last thing she wanted was to admit that she wasn't okay,that she barely keeping it together.
The rain had softened now, a gentle tapping against the window, almost as if it too was trying to soothe her restless mind. Lily stood up, pushing her chair to the bookshelf. She ran her fingers along the spines of the books, half-heartedly searching for something to distract her . She knows what she needs, something to quiet the noise, something to make her feel less a failure.
Her eyes landed on an old journal tucked away behind a row of notebooks, a gift from her grandmother years ago. The leather was worn, the edges flayed. She had never been much of a joyrnaler - too busy with everything else to slow down and write. But maybe, just maybe it was time to try.
Sitting at the small desk in the corner of her room, she opened the journal and stared at the blank pages for a long moment. She could feel the pressure of the blank page, the expectation of it. What would she write? What could she possibly say that would make sense of all this?.
Finally, her hand moved , and words began to form.
" I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore. I feel like I'm caught in the whirlpool of other people's dream for me, other people's ideas of what my life should be . And everytime I try to get out, the current pulls me back in " .
Lily paused, reading the words over and over. It wasn't much but it was a start. A truth, even if only for herself. The whirlpool of expectations had been growing stronger and stronger, pulling at her from all sides, and for the first time in a long time. Lily wondered if it was time to let go.
The question was; what could happen if she did?
The next day, Lily woke to a series of messages waiting for her. Emails about her upcoming test, reminders from her mother about a family gathering, Texts from her friends asking her if she'd be joining them for a weekend trip to the coast. Text from a manager reminding he to be at work on time. The same routine. The same expectation.
But today, something inside her shifted, she didn't feel like responding right away. Instead, she let the phone lie in her lap as she stared out at the city beyond her window. There was a strange feeling growing l inside her- a kind of quiet defiance.
Maybe it was time to take a step back . To pause . To figure out who Lily really was, beneath all the noise.
And perhaps, just perhaps, she might even have the courage to do it.
Around 5pm, Lily dressed up to attend the family gathering. Even though she doesn't want to attend but to avoid her mother's nagging , she attended it.
Lily sat at the end of the long dining table, the laughter of her cousins and the clink of silverware filing the air. It was another family gathering, another occasion where the weight of expectations seemed to settle on her shoulders like an old familiar cost. She didn't even have to ask what was on the mind of her relatives; she could feel it in their glances, hear it in the way their voices softened when they spoke to her inquiry.
" How's work going, Lily ? " Aunt Grace asked, a little too sweetly, as though she were preparing to serve some sort of judgment along with her inquiry..
Lily forced a smile, lifting her glass of water as if the simple action could shield her from the invisible pressure." It's going fine.. Busy , you know, the usual" . Her eyes flickered to the side, avoiding the expectant look that was already settling in Aunt Grace's face. They always expected more.
" That's good. But , you know, " Aunt Grace continued, lowering her voice just enough for the others to hear but not too loudly to seem like an outright critique, " You could think about getting a promotion, maybe even branching out. You've been with the same company for three years now. I'm sure you could do so much more. "
Lily's stomach twisted. Her uncle, who had been quietly polishing his wine glass, nodded approvingly as though lily's future was something he could take pride in, despite his disconnection from the details of her actual life.
He barely knew the specific of her work but was quick to echo the sentiment.. " Your cousin, Sarah, is already managing her own team," Uncle Greg said casually, as if reminding Lily that everyone around her was moving forward and shecat least in their eyes was standing still.
Lily didn't know how to respond. She had heard this conversation a thousand times. How she should be achieving more, how she should be growing in ways that everyone else could see. But how could she explain that? How could she tell them that maybe she was content with where she was, that the idea of climbing higher up the corporate ladder didn't fill her with excitement but with dread? .
Her mother caught her eye from across the table, her gaze warm but laden with concern. It is the look she always gave Lily when she was caught between wanting to support her daughter and wishing that she would " do better" like everyone else.