25 Jan, 23:28. Its Sunday tomorrow. Finally!! I've been waiting for this now. I have to wash my hairs.
I did actually study a little today. One and half video lecture of Thermal Properties of physics. Well that's also because I have to do my homework, or atleast some part of it.
The deadline is Monday so I do have one entire day but I don't think I'll be able to complete it.
Today in tcgp I managed to get the 5 consecutive wins ok my main account. I had promised the gods that I'll sit down and study if I won the 5th game after winning the 4th one. Well... as soon as the 5th game started, my opponent conceded so I technically won.
This can merely be a coincidence but since it's me who is concerned, I am positive that god of luck was behind all of this yet again. His notorious methods are beyond my understanding but he makes it rather obvious too.
Also, nowadays I've been reminiscing about a person a lot. Like, abnormally a lot. My girlfriend, or well my ex actually. For this we'll need to jump back in time, to when I was in class 6th.
Now I don't remember it very well but maybe the first time we started dating was way back in class 6th or in year 2019. After which we broke up about 3 to 4 times.
Once during the lockdown of 2020, after which we made up rather quickly because I apologiszed. Not to mention, I was the one apologizing every time.
Class 8th, especially the last month of 8th was very happy for both of us. I remember falling for her deeper and deeper. Two of the events that I remember from class 8th are "School assembly practice" and "Art exam".
On a Thursday, when we (me and a group of some students) were practicing for the school assembly. My school (well my country as a whole to be honest) was very conservative. Dating is a strict no-no. On that day I got some free time with her, it wasn't that big of an event but I still enjoyed it. It was fun.
On the art exam day, we both sat together. Yeah... It was a great day. That was also the first time we both held hands for the first time. I honestly believe that time to be the actual start of our relationship because the lockdown of 2020-21 kind of messed up everything.
We might've started dating during the end of 2019 after which we were welcomed by the lockdown which streched to the end of 2021 or my class 8th's last months. If I think about the timeline this was then all the events fit perfectly.
Starting of class 9th was very rough. We both were anxious about our section division but luckily we got the same section, or so I thought. A mistake that I had made long time ago, way back in class 7th mid-lockdown. That was when my mother found out about my girlfriend. Being the so very conservative person she is, she went ahead to have a conversation with my class teacher (of 8th) during the PTM and had my section to be changed if it were to be same as my girlfriend's.
On the first day of 9th out coordinator called me and asked if I wanted to change my section. I thought this was perfect, all I had to do is say "No" and I will avoid the crisis. I did as I had thought. But after that she called my girlfriend and asked her to change her section.
Point to note is that she did not ask my girlfriend if she wanted to change her section as she had asked me. My girlfriend did not have a choice. As for my classmates, they only knew a part of the story, and so rumours started.
"Mors stayed back for her but she didn't", hell she didn't have a choice dude!
My girlfriend's new section was same as her male bestfriend's. Little did I know at the time that this person would become such a big problem in future and I would come to hate him so much.
This particular "male bestfriend" guy is also someone I knew since childhood. His house was at walking distance from my old house. We were never friends and apparently I always hated him.
Throughout 9th, we broke up once or maybe twice. We had arguments over little things and especially regarding her "bestfriend". I was super insecure and I just wanted her to not talk to him. As for her, she was a tomboy type and according to her she could only enjoy with male friends.
Despite of how many times we fought throughout 9th, our relationship grew stronger and stronger. During the end of 9th, when our sections reshuffled once again. We got the same section this time. I was happy. So happy that I might've cried twice.
This was peak. I had a lot of fun during that lsst month of 9th. (Funny how the last months are always good). We did so many things together during this time. (some of which cannot be discussed because you-know-what).
Even after having her so close to me, I was still jealous of her "bestfriend". By this time, I and her, we both knew that her bestfriend liked her a lot (yes, romantically). Which is why I would've been so insecure all this time. Even though I clear had the high ground, I still wanted to cut him off.
I asked my girlfriend to not talk to him, which she obeyed as well (for some time). It was not long before I just wanted to see her bestfriend in a miserable state, I wanted to see him sad and depressed, to see him suffer. Even the thought of this made me feel good (It still does-- it's scary).
My insecurity got the best of me and the starting month of 10th marked the final goodbye for our relationship. I missed few startimg days because I was out on a vacation with my family.
During this time I had already checked the sections. Me, my girlfriend and her bestfriend all had different sections. I was sad because our sections were different but I was happy that his section was different too. (yay!)
But little did I know, that son of a monkey would go so far to have his section changed! By the time I was back from vacation the sections were almost finalized and I couldn't do the same. So we were in for another year with them being together while I rot in a different section. God must be playing with me.
I was extremely angry, not on her but on the situation that I accidentally said a lot of rude things to her. I was never a good person to start with and my good guy mask had already had come off already. This would mark the end of our relationship.
Throughout the 10th year or 2023, we would still chat but everything eventually came to a halt after mid-terms. After which we had our annual preparation going on, though I wasn't actually studying at all.
The end of 10th, or actually the time after the midterms, when I finally stopped talking to her, It seemed to me that she and her bestfriend had gotten very close. Now would they eventually go out, I have no idea nor did I ever try to find out because I knew that would hurt me.
I've told the story in a way which makes me look like the bad guy, which I do believe is true to some degree. But I cannot overlook the fact that she was as controlling as I was. The reason our relationship couldn't last was because two narcissists cannot co-exist.
For someone like her, her bestfriend was the perfect type. Submissive and a listener. Which I am not. I pose as submissive to creep into control and pretend to listen but all I do is ignore. I wear a mask which imitates one's desired traits while my eyes look down on everyone, as if scanning them for their worth. And if someone is not worth being with or I simply do not like, then I cut them off.
After this we talked twice. Once after the the annuals, I believe it was in March of 2024. She was upset because I was changing schools. Previously I didn't want to, but now I wanted to leave all the misery behind so I had to. That was also the time she told me that she got another boyfriend. It hurt me... It hurt a lot. She could've been lying but I didn't care. I blocked her.
After which we talked in June of 2024. She reached out to me.. I don't know why but I was happy that she did. I wanted to talk to her, and so we did have a small chat. After which she deleted her that social media account.
Congratulations, now I had no means of reaching her. In a way it's good actually. I still had her number, but it wasn't "her" number, it was either her father's or her mother's. I cannot risk it, even if for the biscuit.
Well I am over exaggerating. I never felt the need to reach out to her. I simply do not want to talk to her at all. I hate her as much as I hate her bestfriend. But I love her as much too.
She was perfect for me. I don't think I'll find someone like her. I had taken a liking to her character, her personality, even if it was a bit messed up.
This relationship taught me about love and romance. I managed to learn a lot of new things, a lot about different feelings from first hand experience which is not possible from third person perspective. The more I learn about it, I start to feel it's very unnecessary.
It only makes you less productive, less efficient and limits you from reaching your maximum potential. Love is supposed to exist only because the need of reproduction existed, which was required for sustenance of species. Today 8 billion people live in this world, there is no need for everyone to involve in this so called "need for sustenance".
Then again I believe the entire "I got a girlfriend" and "I broke up with her" and the "realisation" part was practically luck. To me it seems as if my god wanted to give me a look at it so that I'll be ready for future. Ready to avoid "love" as much as I can.
Mors.