1.Omer: I tried to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
2.Friend: Omer, you always forget things. What's your secret?
Omer: I'd tell you, but I forgot.
3.Teacher: Why are you late again, Omer?
Omer: Traffic. Too many ants crossing the sidewalk.
4.Omer: I don't have a bucket list. I have a "why bother" list.
5.Friend: Why do you always carry a ladder?
Omer: Because I'm tired of living life on the ground floor.
6.Omer: My mirror talks to me.
Friend: What does it say?
Omer: "Could you step back? You're blocking the light."
7.Friend: Why do you keep staring at the microwave?
Omer: It's a talent show. My food's performing.
8.Omer: I bought a smartwatch. Now it judges my snacks.
9.Friend: How do you feel about your new job?
Omer: Like the first pancake—burnt and undercooked.
10.Teacher: What's the square root of 81?
Omer: Let me "Google it in my mind."
11.Omer: My phone fell in the toilet.
Friend: Did it survive?
Omer: It's clean now, but it keeps texting me toilet paper ads.
12.Friend: Did you finish your homework?
Omer: No, but I finished my nap. Priorities!
13.Omer: I started a fitness routine—5 sit-ups in the morning.
Friend: That's it?
Omer: Yep, one for each day of the workweek.
14.Friend: Omer, your plant looks dead.
Omer: It's not dead. It's practicing stillness.
16.Omer: My fridge broke, so I'm living life on "room temperature."
17.Friend: Why do you have a bell on your door?
Omer: So I know when I've locked myself out.
18.Omer: I asked my boss for a raise. He said I'm priceless, which means "no."
19.Friend: What's the secret to your humor?
Omer: Lower expectations.
20.Omer: My new calendar only has weekends.
Friend: That's impossible!
Omer: Not in my dreams.
21.Friend: What's your morning routine?
Omer: Hit snooze until I hate myself.