1.Omer: I tried to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

2.Friend: Omer, you always forget things. What's your secret?

Omer: I'd tell you, but I forgot.

3.Teacher: Why are you late again, Omer?

Omer: Traffic. Too many ants crossing the sidewalk.

4.Omer: I don't have a bucket list. I have a "why bother" list.

5.Friend: Why do you always carry a ladder?

Omer: Because I'm tired of living life on the ground floor.

6.Omer: My mirror talks to me.

Friend: What does it say?

Omer: "Could you step back? You're blocking the light."

7.Friend: Why do you keep staring at the microwave?

Omer: It's a talent show. My food's performing.

8.Omer: I bought a smartwatch. Now it judges my snacks.

9.Friend: How do you feel about your new job?

Omer: Like the first pancake—burnt and undercooked.

10.Teacher: What's the square root of 81?

Omer: Let me "Google it in my mind."

11.Omer: My phone fell in the toilet.

Friend: Did it survive?

Omer: It's clean now, but it keeps texting me toilet paper ads.

12.Friend: Did you finish your homework?

Omer: No, but I finished my nap. Priorities!

13.Omer: I started a fitness routine—5 sit-ups in the morning.

Friend: That's it?

Omer: Yep, one for each day of the workweek.

14.Friend: Omer, your plant looks dead.

Omer: It's not dead. It's practicing stillness.

16.Omer: My fridge broke, so I'm living life on "room temperature."

17.Friend: Why do you have a bell on your door?

Omer: So I know when I've locked myself out.

18.Omer: I asked my boss for a raise. He said I'm priceless, which means "no."

19.Friend: What's the secret to your humor?

Omer: Lower expectations.

20.Omer: My new calendar only has weekends.

Friend: That's impossible!

Omer: Not in my dreams.

21.Friend: What's your morning routine?

Omer: Hit snooze until I hate myself.