I laughed, laughing at the situation that should have made me ponder. Honestly, I felt like I was deceiving myself by doing that. But deep down in my deepest heart, I realized that it wasn't a fake laugh.
My life, which had been so smooth and without obstacles, made my life feel bland. The bitterness of reality made me depressed all the time because I thought about emptiness. Happy memories that could no longer be obtained in the future made my feelings mixed. But that's why I'm laughing now. I'm happy because finally there's something that can make my boredom disappear.
But soon I returned to my senses. I found my father standing in front of me, staring at me with a cold stare and saying:
"What are you doing?"
I didn't understand why he asked something he already knew. I was laughing and even an elementary school child could realize that. But I knew he was just angry, he rejected logic and was just angry because he was annoyed by my strange behavior. I myself was also aware of myself about it.
"Eh... I just had a beautiful dream..."
He just stood there listening to my answer. There was no response whatsoever on his face. He just turned around and walked out of the room saying:
"It's breakfast time, you're not off today, are you?"
"Y-yes..."
After that he went away, to the downstairs where my little sister and my mother must have been waiting at the dining table.
Meanwhile I smiled, feeling happy because of something else at that time. Thinking that my father actually knew my day off. I assumed so quickly and responded with a stupid smile. Although not long after I realized that my father never mentioned what day I was off at all.
He just asked "you're not off today, are you?" Not saying, "this isn't Tuesday, you're not off today."
Making me ponder for a moment before I slapped myself after that.
Soon after I joined them for breakfast. Without any conversation, just eating together, and only my mother looked around because she was uncomfortable with the current situation.
So was I, but I pretended not to care because I didn't know how to handle our family problems.
There was no hostility, no one hated each other, but somehow our family situation became like this.
After that silent breakfast, my mother went to the kitchen with her bitter smile to wash the dishes. My father went straight to work after saying goodbye in a low voice. My mother, who answered my father at that time, immediately ran back after putting down the dirty dishes she hadn't washed. But unfortunately my father disappeared too quickly, leaving my mother looking disappointed that she didn't have time to answer, "I'm going to work now," from my father.
I'm sure she wanted to say, "goodbye and be careful," I know she would say that because my sister and I are used to hearing those words every time we leave home.
My mother also realized that I felt sorry for her. But she pretended not to notice. Forcing herself to fake smile in front of me at all times. While I could only stay silent and not do anything about it.
After that my little sister left for school, she's still in junior high school grade 2 now, but she seems very popular at her school. I can understand that, because blonde hair is very rare in our country. While black hair like mine is very common in this country.
Honestly, she's beautiful, but I can't feel proud of her because of that. Because I feel alien to her. Even the last time I and she chatted was a few years ago, precisely on Christmas night when our family still didn't feel alien to each other. At that time, it was a time when she saw me as a great brother who deserved to be respected. But now I feel that I don't deserve to be respected at all. It doesn't mean I hate myself, it's just that I'm aware of myself.
I'm smart but weak, I want a lot of things but I'm lazy, but all that changed when I graduated from school. Reality slapped me hard, forcing me to be strong, wasting my intelligence because I worked with my muscles, laziness which used to be comfortable became an obstacle to my goals, and even I gave up on everything I couldn't get even though I had dreamed of it for a long time.
That's me, me who is currently walking in the flower garden near my house to clear my mind. Looking at the calendar on my cellphone several times so I don't lose my way in my contemplation. In the end, I didn't find the answer to this situation.
I'm too lazy to find out more. Hoping for someone else to solve this problem. But also realizing that he is most likely alone in this situation.
To make sure of it, I also asked some random people with the same question:
"Are you also stuck in a time loop?"
But some of them got angry, and some of them felt uncomfortable, and some of them answered while laughing thinking I was joking.
Making me realize that I'm alone. But I also realize that I have the advantage that I can ask for help from others if I want to.
But who is someone who can help me? A very smart scientist? A genius who can solve any problem? Or time travel whose existence is not even proven?
I don't have any connections that can help me. Around me there are only ordinary people, in an ordinary environment, who have ordinary lives. It's impossible for ordinary people to solve this problem. Then where can I find unusual people who can save me?
My thoughts were mixed at that time. Making me realize that I had passed the hour when I should have been working. But I didn't care anymore. What's the point of working if I can't get a future by working myself.
I want tomorrow, I don't want to keep thinking about today.
That day was wasted with me just pondering all day. Until I went home and found the lights still off. Passing the dark living room, I found my mother sleeping on the couch with some snacks on the table.
Making my mind wander again. I decided to go straight to the upstairs room without waking my mother. But the sound of my footsteps on the stairs was heard, making my mother wake up and look at me while smiling and saying:
"Welcome home."
I just replied, "yes," and walked quickly upstairs. Entering my room and locking the door. Leaning against the door, listening to footsteps approaching my bedroom door which turned out to be my mother.
"How was your day?"
"Nothing special."
"Really? If you have any problems, you can tell your mother, you know?"
"Why?"
"Why are you asking? Of course because we're family."
"No, that's not what i want to ask... Why does mom keep talking to me?"
"..."
"Mom? Why are you just silent?"
"Nothing, it's just... Can I ask back?"
"What?"
"Why do you still call me mom?"
"W-what do you mean mom? Mom is my mom! Of course I call you mom. We're family."
"That's also mom's answer to your question. Isn't that clear from the beginning? We're family, that's enough reason."
"..."
"Hey..."
"..."
"Are you still angry?"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Sorry for bothering you then."
The sound of my mother's footsteps could be heard moving away. Making me feel relieved for a while. But suddenly my chest felt tight. I couldn't breathe properly. Without realizing it, I was also crying. I cried not because my chest was tight, but because of the pain in my heart. I also realized that the reason my chest was tight was because I was crying and couldn't keep my breath normal.
I hugged myself. Holding my head and pulling my hair. Covering my face with both hands trying to cover my whole body because of shame.
I don't want to be seen by anyone at this time. Although there's no one looking at it, I still feel ashamed. I'm not ashamed because I'm crying, but because of the memories of the past that I can't forget. In the end, I realized that what I wanted to cover wasn't my body, but the memories I wanted to forget forever. Memories of where it all began, memories of where the beginning of my family's destruction occurred, and the cause of that destruction was myself.
Guilt has enveloped my heart all this time. Making my mouth and eyes unable to make direct contact with my family properly. My eyes that always averted their gaze, my mouth that always hesitated to utter sentences, slowly distanced me from them, from those who should have been the closest people I had.
Without realizing it, we became strangers. While the strangers became close to me. Unable to see their smiles, I also ran away from reality by making other people smile. In the end, that's all I could do to feel better. As time went on, I couldn't understand anymore what was called, "family."
I know what I have to do from the beginning if I want to fix everything. But I'm too afraid of the unknown consequences that might make the situation worse. That's why after crying for more than an hour in silence, I felt relieved and immediately smiled.
Remembering the problem I'm facing. In fact, I smiled because of it. From the beginning I wanted all this to end, but now the situation has changed. I don't have to be afraid of the consequences that will happen, because I know I will continue to be on the same day.
From there, my desire to fix my family situation arose. Taking advantage of a situation that should have been a problem to become a solution.
I can think of ways to handle this problem after my wish is fulfilled!
My spirit returned and quickly wiped away the tears on my cheeks.
Tomorrow will repeat, for now I have to practice talking to them! I have to be able to talk to them! This is the first step that I must be able to do.
That's right, humans won't be able to understand each other without communication. That's why I walk towards the door of my younger sister's room.
But I stopped when I was about to open the door. Imagining the worst expression that my sister could put on after seeing her brother who had never chatted with her for more than a year suddenly became strange.
But I took courage while closing my eyes. It's strange that I'm still afraid even though I know all this can happen again tomorrow. It's just that I understand why I'm afraid. Because I'm in the present, not in the future. The feeling I have now is what I feel now, not the feeling in the future that I don't even know what will happen.
Slowly I opened my eyes, but strangely my sister's room was too dark, making me confused because the lights were off.
"Hello? Maria? Are you in there?"
Slowly I entered, towards the light switch in the room. While looking around even though I couldn't see anything but darkness. As I walked, I suddenly bumped into a chair that made me even more confused about the situation in the room. Feeling something strange, I ran quickly to the switch and quickly turned on the room lights.
After that I could only stand there, I didn't do anything, because I couldn't do anything. Because what I saw when the lights came on was my younger sister hanging with a rope around her neck.
My eyes widened at that time, not wanting to believe what was happening, I looked around. I found the chair I bumped into earlier which should have been my sister's study chair. But the function of the chair at this time was not for studying. I know what's going on, it's just that I don't know how I should respond at that time, making me just stand there staring intently at my sister's face which looked lifeless with closed eyes.
There was no blood, no dangerous objects, just a girl who died because she was tied to a rope around her neck and hung in the middle of the room.
I went downstairs down the stairs while thinking about the reason why my little sister did that. But I couldn't find the answer. Because I realize I'm not close enough to her.
Should I be sad? But she's my family? What should I do? I don't know...
What I know now is that I want tomorrow to come soon.