I stared at the news headline again and again, hoping that maybe, just maybe, the letters would rearrange into something that broke my heart even less.
"Damian Blackwell Spotted with Ex-Fiancée: Rekindling the Flames?"
The picture attached felt like a knife being stabbed into me continuously. There he was, laughing with her in a public place over ice cream, Genevieve glowing like God had taken two weeks creating only her. Her hand casually resting on Damian's. He had just been in my bed last night, making love to me like he couldn't get enough but he wouldn't give me this side of him. This carefree, conversational side. I was the secret, she was his first love.
I tossed my phone on the bed, anger welling inside me. Apparently, I was his rebound girl; the one to give him good sex when his fiancé ran off to God knows where because she wasn't ready to be tied down. Did he even think about how this could hurt me or he didn't bother thinking at all. Did she show up and he decided it was time to get rid of Sofia?
How do I even compete with her? She was wealthy, drop-dead gorgeous and she was his first love. She wasn't the kind of woman he would throw fifty thousand dollar deposits at after making love to her.
I walked to the laundry room to start some chores, anything to get my mind off the fact that the man I was in love with saw me no more than a cheap whore. By the time, I had finished the laundry, scrubbed the floors, and changed the sheets, I made up my mind to call him, to tell him how I truly feel about him maybe then he would consider being with me the way he was with her.
I grabbed my phone and dialed his number, steeling myself to just say what I needed to say. It rang twice before a soft, sweet voice answered.
"Hello?"
He didn't usually give his personal phone to his assistant. I froze for a minute, not knowing what next to do. I was supposed to be a secret, how would I even introduce myself.
"Uh…hi. Is Damian there?" I managed to stutter out.
"This is Genevieve," she said with her polished British accent. "Damian's in the shower. Can I take a message?"
Genevieve. Of course. What was I thinking? She was back, I had forgotten.
"No message," I said quickly before hanging up.
I stared at my reflection in the mirror, taking a good look at myself and knowing that I deserved way more than this. It may have started with the money but it grew into something more for me and I was hoping that he had gone through the same transition that I did. Instead, he is jumping into bed with her five minutes after she arrives.
*****
Hours later, Lena, my best friend barged into my apartment, armed with a bottle of wine and two huge bowls of ice cream. She took one look at me and sighed, "I saw the news babe, so I came prepared."
"So, you called him and she answered his phone, saying he was in the shower?" She asked after I told her what had transpired earlier in the day. "damn! Dude wastes no time,"
"Don't say it like that,"
"what? I am just saying the same thing you are thinking," she poured some wine into our glasses and continued. "Look, you love the guy when you aren't supposed to, I get it. But maybe you need to take a step back and evaluate what you really want. Do you want the money or do you want something real? Do you want to be a secret affair or do you want to experience real love?"
"It's not so simple. I love him enough to want to take whatever I can get from him but now that she is back, it feels like she has an advantage and the next minute, he might forget about me,"
"Then talk to him and get answers to your questions. Tell him how you feel about him, or you are going to keep suffering both from not knowing and knowing that when he leaves here, he is going into the arms of another woman,"
"And what if he doesn't feel the same way?"
"Then at least you'll know," she said firmly. "And you can make your decision from there."
*****
Later that night, I worked up the nerve to text him.
Me: Can we talk? Tonight?
I waited for hours but got nothing in response. At midnight, I started to fall asleep. I was changed into my nightdress when I heard the lock in the living room turn. I hurried there and found him reaching for the light switch and turning it on. The moment I saw him, everything I had rehearsed in my head flew out the window.
"You texted," he said simply with his hands in his pockets.
"Saw you in the news today with Genevieve? You're back together?" I couldn't hide my jealousy. I laid it bare for him to see. I did have a right to be jealous, didn't I?
"She's none of your concern," he said.
"None of my concern?" I repeated. "You leave my bed to jump into her arms the next minute and it's none of my concern. You flaunt her to the world while you keep me in the closet and it is none of my concern,"
He stepped closer, his eyes narrowing. "Careful, Sofia."
"No!" I shot back, my anger boiling over. "You cannot ask me not to express my feelings. This isn't a situation where you shove your cock in my mouth to shut me up! I'm not a whore, Damian. How would you feel if I picked up another man to fuck me senseless? I haven't done anything wrong, I'm just a woman who loves you," and there it was finally out, hanging in the air.
His expression faltered but only for a moment. "Do you think that the only way I can shut you up is with my cock in your mouth?" he stepped towards me, dangerously, predatorily. In the blink of an eye, he had his hand around my throat and my back to the wall, not hurting me but holding me in place.
"You think when I am done with you, you'll have anything else to give any other man. You belong to me, just me, only me,"
"Damian…"
He slid his other hand down my body to my shorts, his fingers making their way inside me.
"Don't," I said, my voice breaking but I pushed myself into his fingers, stroking me in and out. My breaths were coming in ragged gasps as arousal replaced the thinking function of my brain. I closed my eyes but he squeezed tighter.
"Look at me!" My eyes flew open and held his gaze, my mouth shaped into an 'o'. "I want you to see what I do to you," he whispered, while his fingers kept working. "To think that you would dare to harbor the thoughts of another man… I should punish you."
"I'm sorry," the words left my mouth before I could catch it. He sensed my closeness to climax and pulled his fingers out of me before covering my protest with a kiss, rough enough to bruise my mouth. "Please…,"
He pulled back and looked at me once more, this time his expression softening before heading out the door. I fell to the ground, an aroused mess.