Jess dispatched a few more weak monsters—rats, slime creatures, even sock puppet accounts—each contributing a tiny increment to his experience. Glancing back at Xinx, who scrolled erratically behind him, he couldn't help but feel like a boss, and not the perfume brand variety.
"Why isn't Xinx joining in the fight?" he mused. "Not that I need assistance, but hopefully, she's impressed with my ability to handle myself so far." She wore a nonchalant expression that was impossible to decipher without subtitles. "Maybe she's waiting for a big fight and conserving her energy, not wanting to go all flashy yet," he thought to himself.
He really needed to find something big. Big things got you the big exp, and there was something monstrously big up ahead. At first, Jess thought it was a large slime monster, but as he got closer and closer, he discovered it wasn't; the skin texture resembled soil and slop, with bits of hay sticking out. Yellow paint circled it, indicating this was a point of destination. As he got closer, he felt a wave of relief. In VR, at least, you didn't have to worry about unpleasant smells.
"Don't worry about the cow manure! It's VR. You won't get dirty here," the man shouted at him. Jess looked in disgust at the bald, naked man. The man continued, "Your hair looks so pretty! I would really love to touch it when my outfit finally loads," he commented.
This comment made Jess look at his hair, making him want to compare, only to see that he had checked his hair two seconds ago, and yes, he was still bald. The man said, "Regarding my hair, there seems to be a delay, and it hasn't fully loaded yet."
"Sure, blame being bald on lag," Jess muttered quietly.
The man replied, "Sorry, I couldn't quite hear you; some pixels got stuck in my ear."
"Pixels?" It took a moment for Jess to grasp that the man was referring to the manure-like goo as 'pixels' when he saw him flicking something out of his ears.
The man continued, "I wanted to try the SAN clothes selection, but it didn't work correctly."
"I don't know that fashion line; I'm not familiar with it at all," Jess said.
The man explained, "Well, I chose my clothes and entered this magical VR game, but my clothes didn't load, so I panicked and didn't know what to do. I didn't want my partner to see me exposed like this, so I jumped into these pixels to hide myself."
Jess gave the guy another glance, a look of mild disgust crossing his face, before muttering, "Yeah, it happens to the best of us." It was a dismissive response he almost automatically gave, one he instantly regretted uttering.
The man looked at Jess with a loving gaze and tried one of his best chat-up lines: "And for some reason, I even started to smell it... Ahhhh, maybe it's just my mind playing tricks, but I swear, I can smell something. But hey, no worries; one gets used to it. It's like an acquired taste, or should I say, 'smell?'"
Jess was thankful he couldn't smell anything. He thought back to that assistant with the plastic bag, suspecting somebody was in this guy's VR cubicle, shoving smelly substances under the man's nose to complete the immersion of VR. Knowing a maintenance helper could be hovering around him right then made him shudder.
He navigated around the sloppy manure, emitting squelchy sounds and a farting-like noise as he drew closer. Before he could retreat, the man posed the question, "How about a date?"
Oh, he had forgotten I was using a female avatar, and now he really, really regretted it. He needed to deal with the man and not waste any more time. And what about his partner? Did he even have one? The man said he hid from his partner because he didn't want them to see him exposed, without clothes, but VR wasn't really advanced enough to load intricate details of human anatomy. Jess couldn't tell him he was a guy, or that would ruin his cover.
"So, how about the date?!" the man repeated.
"No!" Jess screamed, hoping his voice was firm enough.
"That 'no' had a hint of 'yes' in it."
Jess lost his patience. "Bro, I can't even stand to look at you. You're, like, an obese piece of the stuff you are inside. You're, like, useless, good for nothing, and a total slob. You make me sick... Okay?" Not really feminine at all, but Jess no longer cared.
"Apologies, some more of the pixels went in my ears and mouth, and I couldn't concentrate on what you were saying," the man said.
Swiftly, Jess raised his bazooka and, without hesitation, unleashed a powerful blast at the man. The man said, "This isn't even my final form!" before abruptly gagging. The deafening roar of the explosion echoed through the air as flames and smoke billowed around them. The man was blasted high up into the air, rotating with his limbs out like a starfish, resembling somebody playing with the rotate tool, causing him to spin endlessly, fading into the big jungle gym in the sky, with a rainfall of poop particles dropping around Jess and Xinx.
Jess glanced at Xinx and saw the brown aftermath smeared across her face and nestled between the cracks of her firm abs, while she shot him a glare sharp as daggers. He realised he didn't need another weapon, especially not puny daggers, and decided to move on, hoping Xinx would follow suit. In virtual reality, you couldn't harm your own partner, yet Jess would rather not test this theory.
Then a thought struck him: Where's my EXP for taking out that guy?! No wonder Xinx was furious. They did all that for no EXP?! They really needed to add bugs to this game so they could fix them! Maybe the bugs would give a decent amount of EXP when he killed 'em all!
Jess looked at his black high heels and Sugar Plum Fairy dress, which were no longer the colour of sugar, plums, or fairies. Not wanting to change the outfit because of the daft tutorial assistants, with a determined press, Jess activated the circular arrow, watching as it revitalised his character. A surge of pride washed over him as he witnessed the transformation. He and Xinx emerged, once more, immaculately clean of the muck.
He considered typing something in but quickly changed his mind, fearing what his autocomplete might write once he began typing, and worried that Xinx might see and read it.
Jess continued to pace on, tripping multiple times while wearing the heels. Luckily, the big bazooka on his shoulder helped him maintain his balance—somewhat.
(•ω•)