Chapter 7-1
Sibling Rivalry
Part 2
It didn't bother Mom knowing I slept naked sometimes. She just gave me a loving pat on my bare bottom, which always made me grin, and left me to wake the rest of the house for breakfast. My father wasn't home, but his bed looked slept in, which was more than fine with me. It didn't matter to Mom if I dressed for breakfast or not, but I did it anyway, for my sister's sake, slipping on a new pair of boxers and a pair of new running shorts. Deciding whether to wear a shirt or not, chose a tank top instead and laced my sneakers. Even this much my father would consider me indecent and immoral, but it was my choice and no one else's.
After our talk last night, I wanted to grab the bull by the horns and have a nice long talk with Officer Kenly and Bishop Earl. I was told I could find both of them at the church house going over the details for the father and son's outing after speaking with Officer Kenly's wife on the phone. Mom said she would drop me off, and I could either walk home afterward, or she would pick me up later. We had a few options: either get a ride from one of them or just wait for her to come back. If we waited, Aaron and I could go to the pool for the afternoon, or maybe catch a movie that I had been wanting to see.
I knew she didn't want me anywhere near my father, but it was my choice, and I told her I was more than capable of protecting myself. Besides, I was in good hands when it came to having Officer Kenly nearby.
My sisters greeted me with sour faces and the second I sat down at the table. The first words out of Susan's mouth were. "Look, it does wear clothing."
Having them both mock me as I simply smiled and said. "Yes, even hillbillies wear clothing when it suits them, and today it suits me," having them stick their tongues out at me. You have to hate annoying little sisters. Aaron too thought it was strange being the only boy at the table wearing boxers. I asked if he wanted to go with me and we could play a little basketball. Having him quickly ran down the stairs and dress in similar clothing as me, and grab his basketball.
Mom was on the phone getting some of those details on where to find the books on family nudism and planning our next skinny-dipping party, which would include my foster mother and my foster sisters. I knew my sisters Susan and Becky weren't going to like it, but I hoped with documented proof and some … one-on-one time with my mother and grandma. That it would make it so wasn't a big deal anymore.
Somehow, I had my doubts, the same doubts that I had with the three bad boys and their friends. Personally, I don't know what the problem is. We are all boys, and I don't see them as sex objects. I questioned if maybe they might be gay, just thinking about it makes me shiver. Why did I have to think that they were looking at the rest of us boys as sex objects? Gross.
As usual, my father was out mowing the lawn. It always gave me bad memories when I saw the church building, always having to dig inside the well to find that inner peace. Neither of us said anything until we were in earshot of each other. I could see and feel the hate he had for Aaron and me… hearing him say. "Oh look, the immoral freaks are here," giving me hateful snarl.
For once, couldn't he say? "Hi boys, glad to see you. Would you like to play ball with me after I finish the front lawn?"
Not going to happen in this lifetime. I told Aaron to start without me, that I shouldn't be long. I just needed to speak with Bishop Earl and Officer Kenly about the father and son's camp out. Mom said if my father gave him any trouble to just run down to the Bishop's office and Officer Kenly would take care of it.
Unlike me, Mom trusted my father enough not to touch Aaron, but what she didn't know was each night like me Aaron secured his room so he couldn't get in. I would like to say when he's not angry, but my father's was always angry. I don't know which is worse. Not knowing when the monster comes out or knowing the monster is always out when it comes to my foster parents and my father?
The side door was open, so there was no need to walk down the long hallway and face all those ghosts that haunt me. I hated this church house because it always reminded me of what had taken place here. Even the gym didn't have pleasant memories, but those I could deal with. Well, I hoped I could deal with them. I had come a long way in facing my fears when it came to PTSD and night-terrors, but it still didn't mean that I didn't have them.
The door was open, and I waited to be invited in. I closed the door, which indicated I wanted to keep what I said privately. I had contemplated forgetting the whole thing, but after talking with my mother the night before, I knew she was right. I took a seat and asked if they had a minute; I had something I needed to talk about with both of them. I didn't beat around the bush because I trusted them, and I knew I could talk about anything. I did not feel uncomfortable about it, well I was feeling a little uneasy. Officer Kenly asked the first question regarding if it was a sexual issue. I simply said. "It could be, but so far it isn't."
Neither did it answer his question, I said. "It had to do with my foster brothers Shawn, Arthur, and Danny regarding said topic, but it had a lot more to do with my Bishop, Bishop Crawford." From experience, I knew Bishops don't like other bishops talking about their problems, but I was desperate, and like I said I trusted them both. They quickly took a seat and waited for me to begin, letting me know I had both their attention and wouldn't laugh. Unless it was a bad joke, but I knew, or I hoped it was a bad joke and had them tell me I had nothing to worry about. In some way, I opened the door or the can of worms or let the skeletons out of the closet.
I cringed when I gave Bishop Earl permission to tell Officer Kenly about what was taking place at the Rothwell home and the dark secret that was hiding down in the basement. I didn't know at the time about the turntable. I could guarantee if I did, I wouldn't be going back after the home visit ended. In some ways, I wish I did and in others; I wish I had never experienced it. In others, I wouldn't have traded it for the world, but fate is just plain cruel. You never have everything you want without cost. And it cost me dearly, but I would have paid the cost gladly, for that's when I truly grew up and became the man I wanted to be. Not the man I am now.
After a brief explanation and a few embarrassing questions, we were all on the same page. I had both asked them not to tell anyone, for the fact it could endanger my life. I knew Officer Kenly didn't like the idea, but he expressed his opinion regarding it, and I accepted it, giving the same promises that I had given to Bishop Earl and my mother. I knew sooner or later that a dark secret would come out in the open. Regardless of if they are doing their best to keep it contained behind closed doors. Knowing firsthand that a secret like that is un-containable forever, and I also knew when that happened, I was going to be in big trouble.
Even if Brother Sakes didn't hear it from me, I knew my younger foster brothers Jared and Jason would mostly be the ones bringing that dark secret to life. And I knew when that happened, all hell was going to break loose. Even then I had made a pack that if it happened again not to hesitate but bring it to Brother Sakes or our old Bishop, Bishop Lanwall. You could say I was shoring up the dam before it broke, also praying that it wasn't going to happen.
I didn't like breaking a promise, but Aunty M had taught me that when someone says this is a secret, make you promise to keep it between you and your abuser. It is a promise that should never be kept. At the time I thought she was talking about my parents when they physically abused me and wanted to keep doing it behind closed doors, but the proof was in the pudding when teachers and or people noticed the injuries happening way too often. That dark secret has found a way out into the light.
Grandma too had told me about a promise like that should never be kept, when it can fester and hurt you or other people you love, but still hurt to know I was breaking a sacred trust with my foster parents, but Aunty M and my Grandmother are right. Even my mother agrees that a promise like this should never be kept. Deep down, I knew Jeff and perhaps God would be disappointed in me if I kept it. Knowing others like me, and kids like my brother Aaron and my two younger foster brothers could be in danger of it happening to them. No one should be living in torment by an abuser and their so-called promises.
Afterward, I brought up the problems that seemed to be happening in my homeward with Bishop Crawford. I knew Bishop Earl seemed uneasy about it, but he trusted me to tell him the truth no matter what it was, or how embarrassing it was. I could see the light pulsating behind those eyes. It reminded me how at first when I met him and the effect it had on me, but I had come a long way since then, so today they made me feel at peace.
Unlike the feeling I get with Bishop Crawford which makes me feel so dirty I wanted to take a long hot shower and scrub clean with a coarse brush. It was times like these that I really missed Jeff, wondering if he would be proud of me or disappointed in me for talking badly about another "man of God" and the way I am disrespecting him by doing so.
Officer Kenly and Bishop Earl agreed to do some looking in on it and see if there was a reason to be concerned. To them and me, it sounded a lot like drug trafficking when came to seal packages and large amounts of money changing hands. That and the potential kids' sex ring could explain in a lot of ways the three bad boys and their friends were made to look like they were given such a free pass, which clearly sent red flags up. I was asked how many times I had been asked to join this so-called club and if it was still going on. Telling them clearly that I believed it was, even more so after watching the boy's attitude when it came to our close family skinning dipping outings.
Telling them they could be easily embarrassed about being easily aroused, but the question was why and how after so many times running laps or doing chores or joining us in a family activity, I questioned why it would affect them in such a way. Even more so for Arthur and Shawn practically raised in this carefree lifestyle and when it came to Danny and the kids like him and me that entered the Rothwell home. That they should be desensitized within the first few months, considering how often they had been exposed to nearly every day, said something was going on to hold back the process that should be made it not a big deal, which only confirmed our suspicions.
I told the truth regarding how I felt about it, stating that for me, it at first it was hard to get over it. Having to explain how my parents believed what I was doing was immoral, yet when I returned to my foster parents, they had to re-convince me I was doing nothing wrong. And would have to fight me out of my Eskimo suit, and that had taken several years to get beyond it.
With the help of my grandmother and my foster parents, opening up addressing my sexuality to what really was immoral and what was not.
Having detailed discussions regarding life and sex and how my body was changing made a big difference in my life. Unlike parents who refuse to talk about it on any level giving the excuse that we should wait until we are older, but that day never comes. If wasn't for my grandmother and my foster parents, I would have grown up thinking there was something wrong with me and not understanding my feelings regarding girls or how I was changing.
I explained when I was placed in the Rothwell home it was easier to get over being embarrassed and not feel ashamed of my body. That it soon became a beautiful experience, and I was no longer ashamed or embarrassed about it. I don't feel the same way as my father regarding it and now my mother as well as my brother have embraced the idea and now after all these years, because of it we now have an open relationship. That came to sharing openly to any subject even more so regarding sexuality, something that my father and sisters don't have, even more so for the three bad boys.
Bishop Earl knew the Rothwells and our carefree lifestyle, and I could see it bothered him knowing that these three bad boys, apparently thought it was a big deal, or they too would have been immune by simply seeing a naked woman even more so considering they were their mother and sister, but it also brought out the possibility that they had homosexual desires.
What he didn't say it was perfectly natural for boys and girls to "experiment." In fact, it worried both Bishop Earl and Officer Kenly that Bishop Crawford felt differently, or he too would have stepped in and stopped it instead of supporting the idea that what they were doing was ok. But I didn't have the proof to back it up, for right now it was hearsay, and only suspicion nothing more. Even though I had told them they had tried it with me, but were unsuccessful, could have only meant they were giving me a hard time.
I hate to say it, but they were right. I had told them that younger boys and Arthur had been preyed upon and I had told them that my foster parents knew about it but have taken measures not to discuss it. To the point of severe punishment, if any of us mention it to anyone. Plus, the fact I had told the younger boys if it happened again to contact Brother Sakes or our old Bishop, Bishop Lanwall. Bishop Earl had spoken to both of them frequently and most likely had them on speed dial.
Officer Kenly said he would make some calls and be discreet as much as possible but wanted me to tell him if anything happens to me while I am in the Rothwells' care, and I better tell him and not wait for him to find out about it later. I agreed with a handshake, sealing the deal. He thanked me for being honest about it, but wished I would have mentioned the other thing a lot sooner. I knew he was right, but if I could change the past, I wouldn't be here. I would have stayed with the Downings. Then again, would things be better for my brother if I had, or would my mother do a complete one-eighty when came to her attitude towards me and my brother if I had gone with them? Oh, how I wish Jeff was here to help me, but I had a feeling he wouldn't tell me. He was always frustrated when it came to that.