Day 1
10:27 AM
Just as hope had suddenly blossomed, it didn't even last a single breath of relief. Winter arrived again, killing even the last petal that tried to resist.
Reality is unfair. Deeply unfair. Our good or evil desires hold no value against the cruel reality. The world behaves this way, leaving us to perish before it, having our convictions, values, and ego wholly crushed.
I tried using the school bus, repeating the process countless times, hoping that perhaps a different setup would allow me to reach a sufficient distance. But it all proved to be in vain. There's no guarantee such a distance even exists.
Mikoto's reasoning makes perfect sense to me, but who said existence is concerned with common sense? This oddity might have been planted precisely to give us false hope, only to destroy it—or simply, it has no purpose at all.
Mikoto and Ailiss are also out of ideas for what I might do. I sought the opinions of Manabu, Shou, and Miyu, but even their most absurd suggestions yielded the same results.
Perhaps there is no solution. Maybe I'm doomed to persist in this eternity until my soul disintegrates.
The cyclical flow of time continues to wear me down more and more.
Unlike me, those who don't retain their memories don't seem to suffer significant effects. What harms me is the awareness of being trapped, not the temporal flow itself.
Thus, I stop sharing my story with Ailiss and Mikoto. Perhaps shielding them from this grim reality is truly the best course, sparing them from this agony.
Amid despair and in an attempt to avoid causing any suffering to my beloveds, I return to my initial ideas. As psychologically draining as it is, I once again have to kill in order to position myself as a villain worthy of their cooperation without making them aware of the temporal loop.
I don't know how long I can keep this up before losing myself again in the vastness of time. But I will do the least I can do for them without hesitation. I must kill again. After so many repetitions, those horrific memories are becoming reality once more.
Once again, massacres stain and color the snow.
However, this time is different. I've come to know each person I'm gunning down much more deeply. I know about their families, likes and dislikes, plans for the future, and more. I've stopped seeing them as mere puppets and started seeing them as humans.
This only seems to make my task harder.
Even though everything always resets to its initial conditions, it feels contradictory, but I can't help but smell the foul odor of my slaughter.
Oh, the terrible stench of this imaginary pile of decomposing bodies.
Or is this smell coming from inside me? Yes, it's happened once before. My soul has begun to rot again, and it will continue indefinitely.
Iteration after iteration.
Failure after failure.
Gunshot after gunshot after gunshot.
Instinctively, I think about my experiences with everyone I'm killing. There's no way to ask for forgiveness for this, but I can't stop myself. Ailiss and Mikoto are my priorities.
My decisions will always tip toward them no matter what's on the other side of the scale. My choice will always be them.
Undoubtedly, hundreds of times must have passed. And once again, I find myself in the most bottomless abyss, and this time, it seems there will be no return.
I'm trapped in this hell until my last drop of humanity evaporates.
Day 1
10:27 AM
What is this brightness in front of me?
A window? What even is a window? Oh, right… I think I used to look through them to see outside.
The only thing I know is that I must jump through it. Why? Isn't that its purpose? Isn't that why it's here?
Here? Where exactly is here?
I look around and see many desks and chairs arranged in rows facing an open space with a large dark surface attached to the wall.
I think I've been in a place like this before. I definitely have. But I can't for the life of me remember what exactly was done here.
In the end, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore.
I just have to throw myself as I've been doing.
A new question floods my mind. A question that has always been on the verge of haunting me.
But who am I?
My name? I think there was something like that. But I can't recall my name. After all, does a name serve any purpose? I hope it's not something very important.
I glance at my translucent reflection in the window glass.
I can't recognize myself. I'm sure I've seen this face before, but it feels like it's been so long… Can I even say I'm still me?
Being… what exactly defines being? Something must exist before it can be something, right? And what ensures that it exists? Do I exist? All indications are yes… if I didn't exist, I wouldn't be asking myself this question in the first place.
What am I doing here? I don't know… and who am I? If I didn't exist, none of these questions would matter. "Not existing" might just be my answer.
I take a few steps back to gather momentum, run toward the window, and leap through, shattering the glass.
As I fall freely, I catch a glimpse of my surroundings. Yet, I can't remember anything. I hit the ground along with countless shards of glass.
"Johann-kun! What are you doing?!" a girl screams. "Help! I need help!"
Who is this girl? I think I've seen her do this before. Yes, this is a recurring event. She usually screams right after I jump.
Doesn't she ever tire of doing the same thing?
After all, what happened to make her seek so much help? Well, since she was looking this way, could she be referring to me? Do I need help? It doesn't seem like it.
Aren't my actions precisely what I'm supposed to be doing? Then I don't need help.
And by the way, what is "Johann"? Could that be my name?
I don't know… maybe it is, perhaps it isn't. I guess it doesn't mean anything anymore, anyway.
HA.
Hahaha.
Hahahahahahahahahaha.
HahahahaHAHAHAHahahAHAhahAHhaHAahHAHahHAAHhahAHhahHAHahAHAHahAHHahhAHhahHAhahHAHAHahHAHaahHAHhahHHhaHAHa.
I look to the side and see one of the shards of window glass. I pick it up and examine it closely.
What is this for again?
In an attempt to remember, I grip it until I feel it pierce my skin, and my palm begins to bleed.
Does this… hurt?
Still clutching the glass, I watch the red liquid flow from my hand.
I think I remembered what I'm supposed to do with this. I bring my hand closer to my neck.
My brain feels as though it's being split in two. The only thing I know is that I must fulfill. Ailiss and Mikoto need me.
Ailiss and Mikoto?
But who are they again?
Hahahahahahaha.
I stab.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I stab.
I stab.
I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab. I stab.
HAHahHAHAHHAhahAHhahHAHahHAHhahAHhahHAhahHAHahHAhahahHAhahHAHhaHAHahHAHahHAHhahAHhahHAHhAHa.
HAhahahaHAHHAhahHAHAHAhahHAhahHHAHhahAHAhahaHAHha.
HhahHahahAHAhaHhaahHAHaHHAhAHhAHaHhHaHAhaHahahahAHhaHAHHAHaHAHHAHAHAHahHahAhAHahahAHAhaHAHAHaHAHahAHahhaHAHahahahahahahahHAAHAHAHahHahHAahhaHaHA.
Hah-
With my throat slit, I drown in my own blood.