Chapter 10
Grandma Makes A Decision
It only seemed a few minutes when I had closed my eyes as the pain killers made me drowsy enough to sleep. When I woke up, I found my brothers Aaron arms around me and his tears falling on my sore, bare chest. I slowly nuzzled him closer so I could look into his bright blue eyes and let him know how much I loved him and how glad I was to see him unharmed. It was soon after my Grandmother took him away and so he could have dinner and meet the rest of the Downing family. While I sat alone in an unfamiliar room, or perhaps my new prison, I wasn't sure which.
It gave me time to think as Jeff had come back to check on me; he took a seat next to me as I relayed my concerns of things going on around me, even though it seemed like I was doing most of the talking. Jeff may be dead, but he's a good friend to have and a very good listener. Some say that the dead don't speak to the living, but Jeff and I have been friends long enough to know that it is the living that refuses to see beyond their own mind.
Psychologists believe the mind builds these friendship type relationships after a psychotic break where the mind can process the information into smaller amounts. By giving you that so called "superficial friend" saying that this is healthy instead of saying you are crazy. I'll take crazy anytime just so I could have Jeff with me. God may be silent, but Jeff wasn't.
The words "trust them" rubbed against my skin. Every time I have placed complete trust in someone; It didn't help matters, as Jeff displayed complete trust in the Downings. As I argued back and forth about the complex problem with him about my Grandmothers and the decision, she and I were going to make about going to a new foster home when I have healed enough. There was no way in hell that she would even consider the Downings just for the mere fact they were not LDS. And I knew I could argue that point all day long that LDS persona of good church going folks have let me down more times than I could count; that they are not anyone better than anyone else on this godforsaken world.
But I knew deep down that she would not see it my way. And the other arguments about the state foster care system and how hard it is to find parents like the Steeds and the Frys; despite if the Frys threw me out of their house because I didn't stop Jeff from dying. Somehow, I don't think telling them that Jeff's ghost haunted me on a daily basis would not cheer them up or take me back anytime soon.
The Steeds merely left me behind because only my parents had the power to break the bylaws. Being "temporary" foster parents had no sway against my birth parents. Blood is thicker than water; it didn't matter to those government officials that my parents were the abusers. The laws always favored the parent, not the child, when it came to parental rights or child endangerment. Even now, the laws haven't changed all that much unless the parents are drug addicts or drunks. People not under this went mostly Scott free, and it has never stopped, unless the parents killed the child.
Why must the child to be killed before the authorities intervene? Like take the children out of the home and put them up for adoption. Instead of letting the parents beat them to death. They are too slow to act in most situations; so, laws become a joke. And the abusive parents may continue without the fear of the law. Some blame religion, some blame the government. I blame them both.
It wasn't long before my Grandmother and Mrs. Downing came back with my dinner. My food was on a dinner tray, and they had to help me sit up a little more. I have never liked no one to fuss over me and making me feel guilty or helpless; there was nothing I could do about it. The fact I was hungry didn't help it either. Plus, it caught me off guard when Mrs. Downing nodded to Jeff. He smiled and made way for her as she sidestepped around him; unlike everyone else who walked through him. It bothered me, to say the least.
My Grandmother, on the other hand, didn't acknowledge Jeff like everyone else I knew. Even though I have told her many times that Jeff is with me has never once left my side when I was in danger or just needed someone to talk to. She simply would say. 'Sorry, I missed him; perhaps you could get him to stay long enough to say hello and ask about your Grandfather. Do you see him like you do Jeff?' Jeff always found that funny. Yet I didn't understand why Mrs. Downing could see Jeff and nobody else, and I wasn't about to ask her with my Grandmother in the room.
No, I had enough problems as it was. I didn't need another one or add another nail to the coffin about the Downings. Jeff said everything will work itself out, but like always he wasn't about to tell me more than he had to. That was one thing I hated about him. He could be so damn irritating when he held back information that would help put my mind at ease. Something to do with free will and the choices I would make that would alter events. Hey, I am all in when it comes to altering events into my favor instead of the crap load of regrets.
Mrs. Downing wiped my chin and kissed my bruised cheek before leaving. Something about it always reminded me of Mrs. Steed and what a caring mother would do for any of the children she loved. But having my Grandmother watch made me feel embarrassed. I knew we were about to have that nice long chat that she motioned earlier because Aaron wasn't with her, and who could blame him? Having an entire farm to see and another boy in his age group to play with. Not even I could blame him for that.
While I watched my Grandmother remove her shoes and placed them under the cot next to my brothers and closed the bedroom door, taking a seat next to me. Trouble was on the horizon, and I knew it would not be good. Despite that, Jeff stood nearby calm and collected. No, this would definitely not be good.
After an along pause, my Grandmother looked deep into my eyes as she brushed my hair, letting my head leaning against her shoulder. I waited for the bad news to start; letting me know first off that she has removed Aaron for the time being and taken full custody of him, so he won't end up in a foster home. I sighed with relief, knowing he was safe for the time being. Then she kissed my forehead and squeezed my shoulders.
Here it comes. I asked, "Where am I going? Let me guess." I growled at my Grandmother. "Back to the state hospital or are you sending me to a home for boys? Or something worse, back to my parents so they can finish the job?" She refused to say one word; Grandma just let me ramble on, letting the anger simmer on high steam. I refused, as I was about to tell her I was leaving and never coming back. Instead of going to any of those places, I would rather run a way. I couldn't stop crying and gasping. "No more. I can't take it, Grandma. Please don't make me--"
She shushed me by placing her fingers on my lips and kissed my forehead again. The following words shocked me. When she told me that I was staying here as long as I wanted to and as long as I didn't run a way before calling her first. I was stunned beyond belief. I had to ask why. "But Grandma; they aren't even LDS."
She looked me straight in the eye and said. "I think it is time I looked beyond that EJ don't you think, considering all that has happened? Being LDS doesn't hold a candle to the love I have for you. And right now, they have shown their true hand by letting your parents do this to you over and over again. No, I want someone that will love you and care for you more than a religion that has turned their backs on you, besides;" squeezing my hand.
"We can always sic the missionaries on them later and convert them into the church. No. Right now you are staying here. Something that I should have done a long time ago and I am sorry, so very sorry. I just hope you can forgive me. For letting them take you away from the Steeds and stood up to your parents before finding out they sold you to drug addicts as a slave to keep you from being loved by anyone. No, for now, I feel this is where you need to be." I wept like a baby in her arms, forgiving her.
My Grandmother is someone I could never stay mad at. I always knew she loved me no matter what. Jeff nodded in agreement. I asked my Grandmother if she really couldn't see Jeff sitting on the end of my bed. She asked. "Which corner?" Jeff, of course laughed and told me I was going to be fine and left to who knows where. I asked once, but all he would say was I'll find out when the time was right. I wondered if that meant I would be dead when that happened.
My Grandmother was stubborn when came to making promises. She always made me write a promissory note, and this time wasn't any different. I had to promise to obey the Downings and not to runaway without talking to her first. If not, she would beat my butt personally for going out on a limb for me and my brother. So, I signed it and with another kiss on the cheek. She opened the door and walked happily down the hall.
All I could do is lay there and cry. I cried into my pillow, knowing I was safe. But it didn't help the doubts as I remember the Steeds. It was hard not to. I knew I had to move on with my life and to do that I needed help, if only I could grasp it. It wasn't long before Robert came to check on me to see if I needed anything as I wiped my tears away. He sat on the bed and comforted me like Jeff did when I always needed a friend.
In fact, it was days before I saw Jeff again. Something was coming, and I knew I wouldn't like it. I was just getting used to having a family again that seemed to love me. But I couldn't seem to trust them. Those doubts refused to leave me, and my injuries were getting worse every day, and so were the nightmares. At night, my parents standing over me would cause me to wake up screaming. I could hear my father's belt whistling in the air, their eyes red with hatred. I could still feel them kicking me, beating me into a bloody pulp.
As I dove through the window, I could still feel the glass shards. I would relive this nightmare over and over the same events; that I thought I was over with. Like seeing Jeff die as his cold dead eyes stared back at me; the words echoed in my mind. 'It's your fault you murdered him. Nobody loves a worthless murderer like you.' The pain never seemed to end as the blood dripped between my legs until they were raw.
I wouldn't let Mrs. Downing, or my Grandmother change the bandages that were in more embarrassing places no matter how many times she has bathed me when I was growing up; it embarrassed me. Nothing short of a miracle was going to change that or the feeling of doubt that I had about being placed in another foster home because they couldn't handle the problems that I had caused.
All I felt was alone in the world and abandoned by everyone that I thought cared about me. My Grandmother would sit with me holding me in her arms convincing me that there was no way she would abandon me. Yet she was leaving me alone in another stranger's hands, taking Aaron with her. She would reassure me over and over that the Downings are a good family if I would just trust them; things would be ok.
Like I said it had been days since I had seen Jeff and it worried me when he seemed agitated. I knew something bad was going to happen. He wouldn't tell me about the problem I would face instead he would say. "Just for me, trust the Downings and everything would be fine." He has yet to lie to me and has been there for me through thick and thin. But why he was so agitated if I was going to be fine? I haven't seen him this stressed out since my parents sold me to complete strangers. So, to say I was more than worried as I watched him pace in my room, watching the door as if some monster was going to come in.
The prediction came true as Jeff's head jerked toward the door. My Grandmother had left to do some shopping and left Aaron here on the farm. Mr. Downing was in the chair reading the newspaper. The screen door slammed shut and then I heard Robert and Will yelling "Pa, Pa." Seconds later, my father burst through the bedroom door with my mother right behind him.
Mr. Downing leaped over the bed and stood in front of my parents. I couldn't breathe; I shook with fear at seeing the anger in their eyes. Jeff telling me. "Keep your promise and things will work out. Trust me. Have I ever lied to you?" I couldn't think straight as I watched the room in slow motion, seeing the hatred in their eyes. I just knew I was about to die.
The sound was like thunder as Mr. Downing pointed to the door and yelled. "Stop where you are! Mr. Downing's voice thundered as he pointed to the door and yelled, "Stop where you are! You are not allowed anywhere near him!" Mr. Downing thundered as he pointed to the door and yelled, "Not now! Not ever! Git off my farm! Boys, escort our unwelcome guest out if you would please!" He growled like a wilder beast protecting his young. I had found that I had pissed myself again as I watched him, and his boys escort my parents out and closed the door behind them. I wanted to hide I wanted to run a way, but I couldn't move with my injuries; all I could do was cry like a baby. When the door opened, I froze as the tears ran down my cheeks.
Mr. Downing was calm and collected as he came over and sat next to me, pulled me close to him as I cried into his arms. My fears seemed to leave me as he held me and made me feel safe, safer than I had been in my entire life. He promised me that there was no way in hell that he was going to let anyone harm me ever again. Somehow, I believed him and said, "you promise?"
"We always keep our promises in this house. You can take that to the bank," he said.
Mr. Downing paused long enough to feel my bed, where was now damp with urine. "It looks like you had another accident," I whispered sorry as he calmly picked me up, giving the boys orders to remove the bedding; having Anna come in with Aaron. But they were already bursting through the door. Aaron quickly grabbed Mr. Downing and was holding him for dear life; covered with dirt and straw from head to toe and some chicken feathers in his hair.
Aaron gasped for breath as he held him, crying against him. Robert covered me with a clean sheet as Mr. downing set me carefully in the chair. While he tended to my brother like he did with me and picked him up in his arms and held him against him. Telling him the same thing he told me. That nothing in this world would harm him ever again, he promised and placed him into Anna's arms so Mr. Downing could take me down the hall to clean me up once more. He set me gently in the tub and slowly washed my bruised body, noticing the rank bandaged that had turned green and yellow and the long gash down my left hip. He yelled for Robert to call Doctor Hatfield, issuing orders to the girls to take Sam and Aaron down to the horses; having Will bring down some ice to numb the wounds.
When things go bad, they really go bad as Doctor Hatfield arrived just minutes before my Grandmother did, which was even worse lying in a tub naked for the entire world to see. While Mrs. Downing and my Grandmother walked in, seeing me in all my miserable glory. There was nothing I could do about it as they saw how bad the infection was as I tried to cover up; placing my hands over my crotch, turning red as they stared down at me; frowning at my naked body.
Mrs. Downing quickly took charge of the situation, clearing the hallway while Mr. Downing picked me up and carried me back down the hall with no sheet to hide me from the world; dripping wet as the blood and the water fell on the hardwood floor and bloodied his pants and shirt. Set me on the bed as Doctor Hatfield went to work removing all the bandages. I screamed when he jabbed me with the needle in my leg. Somehow being naked didn't seem all that important anymore vs. the pain I was feeling now. He cursed from one cut to another as he snipped the stitches and cleaned the wounds; removing the small pieces of glass and fragments of cloth; no doubt the source of the infection.
My Grandmother did her best to calm me as he poked and prodded the life out of me; Turning my body this way and that way to get a closer view. Moving my hands out his way every time I tried to cover my naked crotch; Mrs. Downing seemed to understand as she kissed my cheek, reassuring me there was nothing to be embarrassed about, considering she had seen it all after raising three boys and a husband.
Somehow that didn't make me feel any better and certainly didn't stop me from turning red with embarrassment, hearing my parent's words echo in my mind when they describe my immoral being and immodesty. There are some things that women and girls should never see, and this was one of them. After heavily drugging me with pain medication, Doctor Hatfield had his way with me. I hadn't even noticed he had left when I woke up and it was already nightfall, finding a pile of new books by my bedside, and a couple of notebooks with plenty of pens and paper next to them, and my accursed glasses.
Seeing some books stamped with the Payson Jr. High logo on them, I nearly groaned. Somehow my Grandmother must have taken it in her head that I was doing summer school right here, no if or buts about it. And I was right when she noticed me looking at them as she sat in the corner reading the syllabus, making sure I had everything.
The fact that I didn't have a stitch on didn't even cross her mind to her. I was never immoral, and modesty was nothing to worry about. I could run around without a stitch on, and she wouldn't be concerned about it. "That should keep you out of trouble for a while. Mrs. Downing has agreed to homeschool you so you can catch up with the rest of the kids in your class and not fall so far behind. I will not take any attitude from you young man, so let's make that perfectly clear." Her words still echoed in my mind as she laid down the law about how I lived this moment on. It seemed she found one of my older pair of glasses, telling me my new ones will be here in about week.
I had two choices: I could either trust them or be placed in a foster home and roll the dice. But I should consider first, before making that decision that Mr. Downing has already saved both me and my brother from a lifetime of beatings from my parents. And as along as I was in this home no harm will come to me or my brother. Basically, the same thing Jeff said to me earlier when he said, trust them. Reminding me that to the fact that she and Aaron were leaving tomorrow so I could have a chance to bond with them without having my brother or her under their feet. With that, she kissed my cheek and waited for Mrs. Downing to bring in my supper.