Chapter 11
Boys' Night Out
Even with the breathing exercises we still were unable to sleep considering we were both still wired from helping Shawn to do his chores. So instead we watched TV lying in our separate beds, letting the swamp cooler cool us as we lay on top of our bedding. We knew we were supposed to be sleeping, but sleep avoided us, even after hearing Mom come home and the rest of our brothers and sisters. Shane turned off the TV. Even though we knew we weren't required to help Mom bring in the groceries, we did it anyway. When Mom asked, Dad said we were asleep when he came home. It must have been the noise of everyone coming home that woke us, giving us a quick wink. Suggesting the same rule applies to Mom.
Dinner was simple and quick, having Kerry make a quick toss salad. Mom had stopped at Kernel Sanders, so she wouldn't have to spend time making dinner. Which also freed me and Shane to take a shower, we both knew I could have showered alone; it was just faster to do it together. Trading places as we soap ourselves down; letting Shane wash my back as I washed my own hair and rinsed off so I could step out, so he could finish on his own. When we were dressed in clean boxers and shorts; Shane rummaged through our clothes found a shirt and placed clean socks in each of our shoes. While Mom took my stats telling me I was good to go, each of us took a seat. Grabbing hands as Dad said the prayer.
Shawn stood soon after and apologized to me and Arthur, saying he would do better in the future. Dad nodded as he concluded what he and Shawn had decided what to do; giving up his room and bed so Arthur like the rest of us had something other than a thinly padded mattress of straw on a cold dirt floor. Dad stated that he planned to take a couple more days off. Said it wouldn't hurt if Shawn and Shane missed the rest of the week considering they have a very bad case of the flu.
Mom didn't like the idea of any of us missing school, but rules were meant to be broken when it was more important as a family to help one and another out, and that included me and Arthur. Dad re-laid the plan that after Shawn cleans out the junk room that Shane and him with Shawn's and my help. That we would turn the room into an actual bedroom just as nice as the rest of the rooms; that includes a decent bed, closet and carpet, and other necessities.
Never again will he be caught unaware when social service comes and does a routine inspection. Having to scramble to make sure everything is to code. Dad reached over and gave Arthur's shoulders a squeeze before filling his plate with the same portions as the rest of us. When I looked over at Shawn, I still saw the heated anger, in his eyes. That said we would never be a part of the family. When Dad turned his attention to Shawn, it was too late. The rage was once more hidden in the shadows.
Dad did confirm my suspicions on what was taking place in the basement, he was indeed holding Arthur as well as James and most likely others like caged unwanted animals. That has been unfortunate to experience true Hell in the Rothwell home. It too would be my fate more sooner than I would have liked. I had a bad cold feeling that made me shiver. When I looked at Arthur, Dad, Shane, and Shawn; that I had only had scratched the surfaces on what was down there behind closed doors. I reached out for Jeff to find nothing, where it was once, was warm and inviting as our minds would come together. No matter how hard I screamed in that hollow spot. Jeff wasn't there.
To me, danger comes in two forms. What is real and what isn't real? Like the real reality, I would be facing in the coming months and days. The evidence or proof I needed to expose the lies that were contained behind these closed doors; was slipping through my fingers. No one was going to believe me while Dad and his family covered up what had been happening down in that basement. Yet all I could do was hope and pray that someone would listen and Jeff would provide me away.
Love is a fickle thing when you are standing over a cliff looking down at the jag rocks hoping when you jump that you will die instantly, but instead, you live to suffer in anguishes holding straws hoping that you are strong, you are safe and most important you are loved. I hated knowing that Mom and Dad were cruel and heartless, even more, cruel than my parents. The only difference between them is that the Mom and Dad were more kinder and sometimes would show love and affection; whereas my parents had shown me or my brother neither but cruelty from the very day, we were born. Which would a boy of fourteen and a half be chosen to have, if you had only these two choices? I would have chosen none of the above adding a third choice… Death.
Yet fate is cruel and unfeeling as I sit among the monsters around the table. I would have made a pact with the devil and then spent three years in total Hell. I was alone and my luck was running out; Mom and Dad had learned one of my secrets that I hated shoes knowing it wouldn't stop me from running away. Yet to them, I was one of the boys around the table hidden in shadow, running naked through the house and nobody cared. Mom leaned over asking me a penny for my thoughts as I sat there pushing my food around as I was trying to gather courage. I said. "I was just nervous about going to scouting and not knowing anyone, or if they would make fun of me because I couldn't wear a shirt like them."
Mom smiled leaned down and kissed my cheek, told me my big brother Shane would make sure that would never happen to our little tiger and neither would brother Niles. Shane gripped my shoulders. "Said everything will be fine; if it makes you feel any better we can all go in our boxers, no one's going to care. Just pretend it's boy's night out."
I smiled at the thought of us walking down the street wearing nothing but our boxers, but I knew that I needed to come to terms with my own fear, knowing Shane could never be with me 24/7 it was up to me to find my own courage saying that I was just nervous. Hearing the knock on the door, Dad telling us to go and have a good time. Shawn opened the door letting brother Niles in while Shane and I quickly put on our shoes; Dad getting up to shake his hand asking how long we'd be gone. Bother Niles said no later than 9:30 being as it is a school night and make sure we had our swim trunks.
Shane and Shawn quickly gathered them while Mom and Dad visited with Brother Niles in the doorway. Dad tells him he rather if Arthur stayed home, but would consider it in the future; stating Arthur would feel out of place with other boys not being a good swimmer other than staying in the kiddie pool. The matter was closed. I knew the real reason and so did the rest of us. It would bring unwanted attention once Arthur took off his shirt seeing what Shawn had done, but the blame would be put on Mom and Dad's shoulders. Brother Niles didn't push it just said maybe next time.
Dad agreed telling us to have fun and be on our best behavior. I knew Dad was nervous about me leaving the house as his hand lingered on my shoulder, and told Shane he trusted him to watch over me. Shane nodded and I followed them out with Shane's arms around my shoulder we walked down to Bother Niles home. While we waited for the other boys to join us; Shane was right nobody cared if I wasn't wearing a shirt like them. But still looked strange as all the boys were dressed in scouting uniforms and we weren't.
Brother Niles intended to rectify it telling us that he had extra shirts he has collected over the years that we could have them until our parents could provide them. Having us follow him through the house opening the basement door where the other boys were working on various things. I stood at the top of the stairs looking down then backing away quickly from the doorway.
My breath quickened as the memory of terror washed over me screaming "No! No! I won't let you beat me or leave me in the dark;" seeing my father with his belt in one hand and the cattle prod in the other. My body spasms as my father whipped me while I crouched on the floor in the corner for protection. My body jerked from the belt; screaming in pain in absolute terror feeling the cattle prod and my body spasm. Someone touched me, but the terror overrode my mind; screaming seeing only my father's face.
I became angry as I fought my attackers off. Yelling "No, not in the dark, not ever again. I won't let you leave me in the dark." I felt something warm something brushing my hair. I looked, but all I could see was the darkness. I couldn't move to see my father close the door locking me inside. I dug at the ropes feeling the warm blood on my fingertips.
Something grabbed my hands, and I screamed, fighting the darkness. Yet I wasn't cold like it was before, instead, I was warm, and something had changed in my environment. A light flickered in my eyes but wasn't the bulb in the basement, I had watched it go out days before. I called out "Who's there?" The voice seemed familiar, but far away, I strained my ears, as my mind concentrated on the voice. I heard my brother crying. I called out Aaron's name but got no reply. I strained my ears and called out again. I heard the voice coming clearer as I relaxed and let the calm soothe me in the dark. Knowing I wasn't alone.
Words grew softer and clearer as I concentrated on the words as they got louder and calmer. I heard the words. "You are safe. You are safe tiger." My mind cleared hearing the word tiger as if was a name I should know, and then my mind became clearer as the fog slowly lifted from my eyes and my mind.
Feeling the Shane's warm embrace. I could feel his warm skin against my back I could hear the calm rhythm of his heartbeat. I breathed "Shane, it's Shane," I relaxed leaning my head back on his bare chest feeling the calm as I breathed deeply; repeating our safe words. Letting the calmness and feeling safe in his arms; relaxing even more; repeating; "I am safe, I am safe, my father can't touch me, and I am safe." Letting the tears fall as I snuggled closer to my brother. Crying as he held me close wrapping his arms around me.
Shane told Brother Niles that I was ok now; it was just a panic attack. That he should have realized that the basement would trigger it. Shane let me go, but I still clung' ed onto him. Feeling embarrassed, but nobody said a word and the quietness bothered me. Shane walked me outside. So I could breathe the fresh air; letting the memory wash over me while I looked up at the stars taking deep breaths. Shane asked if I wanted to go home. I shook my head and told him I was alright as long he never left me alone ever again. He hugged me telling me that was never going to happen.
Brother Niles came outside asking me if I was alright I said. "No basements and no needles."
He said. "He could live with that," laughing and rubbing my hair. I frowned looking at my feet covered in almost in dry blood and seeing Shane's chest and arms. I knew Mom wasn't going to be happy. Shane said. "What Mom doesn't know wasn't going to hurt her;" throwing my socks in the garbage can by the porch. Shawn scowled at me as he and his friends whispered amongst themselves. I heard the word freak. Shane growled hearing it too; watching Shawn's friends disperse. Shane took me inside so he could clean me up as the boys finished what they were doing. Asking me again if I was alright if not it was ok if we went home. I told him no, not as long as he was with me.
He nodded said. "Alright then, no more basements; Will just go to the pool and pretend this never happened." Washing off my blood as if was only a bad memory. I sat in front of Brother Niles car with Shane right beside me; tucking his shirt inside the gym bag with my shoes. Shawn went with his friends and their fathers who were participating in scouting tonight. No one said one word to me about the incident, but I knew there would be questions asked in secret.
There are always questions and rumors that travel faster than the wind. I already had completed my swimming merit badge. So I worked on my lifesaving one instead with Shane as my partner and a few of the other boys like my new friend Ron. He didn't care for Shawn's friends calling them stuck-up freaks of nature. It wasn't as fun as family night with Dad, Mom, and my new sisters. But it was still great having my big brother watch out for me.
Brother Niles asked if he would like to be one of the Junior Assistant Scout Masters because he was seventeen and was too old to be a regular Boy Scout. Shane liked the idea because it made him feel like an adult, but still could be one of us. All the fathers and Assistant leaders took a vote and it was a done deal and would be announced the following Sunday in church. We swam and played and went out for ice cream before going home. Mom and Dad were pacing until the moment I walked in through the front door. It was Shawn that blurted out what happened tonight as me and Shane cringed. Dad growled asked if it was true. Shane said. "It was, it wasn't a big deal."
Shawn yelled. "Not a big deal, oh please give me a break. He embarrassed us and our friends; he spassed out in front of everyone."
Mom said. "You better watch your mouth before you get another spanking, now go to your room right now and get ready for bed," Dad told us to take a seat having Shane tell exactly what happened. Mom instead took me out of the room in case Dad turned into a raging monster and we would be dealing with another panic attack. He didn't call me back instead he waited for Shane to explain. Mom closed the family room door and helped me get ready for bed. That's when she noticed my feet. Even though the water washed the blood away, they were still raw from me reopening the wounds. She growled, turned on the TV, turned up the volume, and stormed out of the room and cringed hearing my shoes hit the front door as her voice raised. I asked Shane why he hadn't brought me home afterward. Shane didn't yell said. "Mom, I handled it like we have been handling it for the last few days. Shawn was completely making it sound worse than it was. Brother Niles and the fathers that were with us, just kept the boys downstairs in the basement while he and I contained the situation. Eric was fine after it happened, and we didn't need to come home once it was over." Settling the argument leaving the room
Mom called Shane back, but Dad said. "Let him go, Karen."
Dad came in a few moments later to show me he wasn't mad and wasn't my fault. Said few cuss words regarding my parents held me against him asking me if I was really alright. I nodded, "if it wasn't for Shane I doubt would have been." Telling Dad what happened the second I had seen the stairs leading to the basement. Dad held me tighter letting me cry into shoulders as I told him how scared I was that thought my father had found me. Was going to stick me back in the boiler-room so he could beat me knowing nobody would care enough to find me or my brother.
Dad said. "If I met your father in person, I most likely would kill him," Dad told me that as long I was in this house my father would never find me. Somehow, I believed him and hugged him tighter. When he let me go, I could see fresh blood on his arms and his shirt. Dad sighed removed his shirt and threw it against the wall. Telling me he never liked that shirt in the first place. Laid my head on his bare chest and wrapped his arms around me as we watched TV together.
Mom came in soon after to give me my pills and something that tasted of lemon and a strange mint bark flavor. I knew better to spit it out, so I swallowed it down quickly. She smiled rubbing my hair and asking me if I was really alright. I nodded said. "No basements, and no needles," I told her I was sorry I had ruined another pair of socks.
She said. "Tigers like you don't wear socks, nor do they need them." Leaning down to kiss my cheek, telling Dad everyone was waiting for us for family prayer. Dad took my hand and we walked into the living room together and asked Shane to say the prayer. Shawn scowled seeing my blood on Dad's chest. The look said I was going to pay for embarrassing him in front of his friends. Dad growled and Shawn quickly bowed his head fearing a beating was coming.