In which I rely on a Spear and Shield, my Terror has been shoved, and I invest in Raising Stakes
Apparently, my bladder had refilled since my last beating and I squelched warmly to the door, the chair still on my back. I cracked open the door and looked around.
The sun was near setting, the land stretched for a generous distance, but I didn't see anything. Nothing but tall trees past a fence a couple blocks away. Was the monster around the back of the house?
It was at this point that I saw the trees move, another tree rising above the treeline. A tree was lifting another tree? What-
BOOM!
The tree fell, wielded by a shadow in the distance, and crashed into something. A rippling shield of iridescent fractals glimmered around the attack, taking the force of the blow as a scream filled the air. My scream.
I fell backward and landed on the chair, my knees giving out. In the evening light, what I had thought were trees turned out to be a humanoid figure. The figure in the distance raised the tree (a club!) again. I began to pick out the monster's details. Mottled gray skin, with tufts of hair and a loincloth as its only clothing. It stood equal to the towering pines and raised its gristled arm to swing. Its eyes found me and it snarled, showing tombstone-sized teeth that- that-
"Oh, unfair!" I said, snapping back to reality, "Your teeth are straighter than mine! Whiter too, if I ignore the blood around the edges."
How? That ticked me off. Here I was, having just lost my teeth after a lifetime of care, yet this hideous giant had better teeth than I ever did? Sure, they were stained red with blood and I doubted that mint plants grew that big, but really?! This was some magic fantasy bullcrap.
I closed the door and glanced around. A coat rack hung full of coats and a heavy-looking machine gun. A freaking real machine gun! But…the bullets looked too small for a giant. And if my time watching Anime had taught me anything, then it was that a sword beat a gun any day.
There was a hiking staff in the umbrella stand and- wait. No. The hiking staff was, in fact, a spear. It was huge, with a wickedly glinting tip and wide crossguard behind the spearhead. Grandpa had seemed to think that this would be more useful than a gun…which didn't make much sense.
What the heck, I thought as I grabbed the spear, This place obviously doesn't follow the same rules. I'll give the giant a few pokes from within the shield.
Nothing popped up when I grabbed the spear, no useful display of statistics like in anime. Just the voice so far. Was this going to be an audio-only system?
I was proven wrong the second I stepped out of the house. A screen of holographic blue blossomed beside me, giving me a bit of relief. Thank goodness, there was an interface system. I would have hated trying to use a voice recognition system.
Base Shield Health 998745/1,000,000 Heavy Attack
I blinked and said, "What?"
BOOM!
Base Shield Health 998083/1,000,000 Heavy Attack
"All right," my butt clenched around the fear, "this is fine. Only about-"
BOOM!
Base Shield Health 9977329/1,000,000 Heavy Attack
I stared, doing the mental estimates. I wasn't good at math but…
"Yeah," I said, leaning the spear against the outside wall, "Less than a thousand."
Some of my gaming experience was coming back to me. I counted under my breath as I tried to shake the chair off again.
BOOM!
Base Shield Health 998182/1,000,000 Heavy Attack
"Just over two seconds per hit," I said, "which should do ten thousand every ten to twenty seconds-"
BOOM!!!!
A bright red lens flare flashed and the shield health box shook with a buzz
Base Shield Health 994098/1,000,000 Heavy Attack - Critical Hit
"Plague sores!" I said, "Oh, that's a LOT faster. Okay-"
The giant raised its club to the sky and roared. The sky churned into a storm right above the giant and lightning rumbled in the distance. The giant was growling something, staring up at its club. A hum filled the air.
"Wow," I said, dropping back on the chair as I nearly reached for some popcorn, "WOW! Magic. Real Magic! This is straight up, just an isekai. Sick!"
Wait a second, I thought, that's gotta do a lot of damage. I should go out and do somethin-
VBOOOOOOORMMM!
I rocked back in the chair, reeling from the explosion. I was out of pee but my body still tried to lighten the load with its second choice. I managed to clench in time, avoiding the worst of it.
Base Shield Health 944211/1,000,000 Special Attack - Critical Hit
"@#$%^!" I screamed, thrashing as I stood, chair attached, "GRANDPA!!! A little too much tough love here!"
Waddling inside, I stepped in a puddle I had left earlier. I slipped and fell, I tried to catch myself but my hands slipped and I landed face-first into it. It hurt, my battered face protesting as I felt the holes where my teeth were open up. I scrambled to the clock and frantically pressed and pulled, trying to open my escape.
Yellow shame dripped from my face as I cried and begged the clock to open. After a few seconds, I fell back. Falling through the holographic display in front of the door. I pushed myself up to see the message on the door.
Are you sure you want to leave?
Yes/No
I stopped, blood and pee-covered finger hovering above the button. I was running to what? It was hell on the other side of these doors. This was grandpa's house and grandpa's land. It mattered enough for him to gift it to me. Like my home on the other side of this clock.
He used to spend hours in here, I thought. Days, sometimes. This place must have meant a lot to him.
I couldn't just abandon one of Grandpa's treasures.
"You better work," I said to the spear as I picked it up from where I'd dropped it, "And I'm sorry chair, you've got to go."
I waddled out the door and leaned the spear against the outside of the house. Then I grabbed both arms of the chair and took a breath.
"Heave HO!" I shouted as I pushed as hard as I could.
VRKSHTIOLAHFOEHNBHWIO!
I thank you for your patience with my descriptions of sounds. I'm doing my best, and so far I don't think that I've done very badly. But I am frankly at a loss for this one. How do you describe the sound of a chair exploding into a million pieces behind you? While your fat voluminously expands to its preferred shape? The ripple sound my belly made is indescribable by itself, and I don't think that there are enough letters to cover the shotgun blast of sofa.
"Right," I said, straightening my back for the first time in hours and rubbing my scoliosis hunch, "Did not know that I could do that."
A small sound dinged in my mind, and I paused. But nothing followed it, no robotic lady telling me something useful. Ah, well.
I grabbed the spear and started across the yard. I had a giant to slay. Or, at least, deter it with a monstrous case of hangnail.
I was in too much shock to consider how easy it was to move. Somehow, I felt lighter. Still, experience dictated caution when you're over 300 pounds. I could just see myself tripping and rolling through the fence at high speeds. Right beneath the giant's foot.
Slow and steady, I thought, the best way to live.
As I got closer, I picked out a necklace of trophies around the giant's neck. The trophies were more weapons than body parts. It made sense, swords hung on a necklace better than things which could rot. There were a couple large skulls that looked monstrous in nature, but nothing human that I could see.
That's nice, I thought, a refreshingly low gruesomosity for a man-eating monster. It probably eats people whole, like anchovies.
The giant loomed above me, but I was used to craning my neck to look at people. You eventually just focus on their feet. The feet in question were car-sized, the toes having whole bushes stuck between them. Like those foam things that go between toes for a pedicure.
Then a foot on rose, trailing dirt and crushed plants. I stepped back, readying the spear. I'd be fine. The shield was in place.
BOOM!
The ground shook, throwing me from my feet. I let go of the spear as I reached out to catch myself. I winced, preparing to throw out my shoulder again. I dug my fingers into the soil and caught myself easily. Too easily, since even my elbows didn't hurt.
"Woah," I said, getting onto one knee, "Woah!"
I pushed myself easily to my feet for the first time in years. What-
BOOM!
The ground shook again and I pinwheeled my arms, managing to maintain my balance.
Right. I thought. I'm fighting for my life.
"Sorry," I said, picking the spear back up, "I got distracted by a dream."
Before I could start stabbing the giant's toes, I needed to avoid tripping from its stomp. I watched the foot as the giant raised it again. I needed to get this timing right.
BOOM!
I jumped as hard as I could the moment that the foot landed. The shockwave passed beneath me, and I should have found myself landing deftly in victory. I would then have proceeded to stab the giant's toes, a careful game of high-stakes jump rope.
Unfortunately, I jumped too hard. A concept that I was entirely unfamiliar with. I found myself rising far past my ability as a child. Then I rose past the world record. Then out of the top of the shield with a soft pop as the protective bubble released me without a protest.
^%$&, I thought on so many levels.
I rose higher and higher, the man-eating giant's chest framed by an impenetrable dark forest. I emerged into the final rays of sunset, their warmth contrasting the icy shock as I approached the head.
"Welcome to the Greater Demon Woods, Shane Mi." The female voice said in my head, "The Level recommended for this area is a minimum of two hundred. You are fifteen feet from a Greater Monster, 'A' Class. Are you sure that whatever you're doing is worth it?"
I stopped about level with the giant's head, the bloodshot inhuman eyes focusing on me.
I squeaked, "Nope!"