I emerged from foggy nights into bright days. I walked boldly, forgetting the times I stood with hands clasped in submission. My head was held high; every truth I uncovered only made me stronger. My past stretched openly before me, fastening to my body like platinum, and it was this weight that kept me standing. My body silently vowed not to crumble, my mind engraving the oath into my heart without needing my lips to utter it. Tears signed my decisions. I, Merve Yılmaz, swear on my past that I will break free from my shackles!
"Is this the exact place you wanted to see?" he asked, gesturing to our location with his eyes. In response, I looked around at the airplane aisles I was familiar with. "Place, location—what does it matter? Every day I'm already confronting something new," I said. Though it was nearly impossible, I leaned back in my seat, trying to relax. "I never once considered who that man hired for the assassination until you made me realize it. I thought someone like him, such a master of the underworld, must have hundreds of people to carry out his dirty work. But when you told me, I realized that name wasn't just anyone. I have so many questions for you, and when you give me answers, I'll keep asking without stopping. I'm not sure if either of us is ready for that. So it's best to delay this, at least until I feel ready."
I wasn't expecting him to agree, but as always, he nodded, his reaction dignified as ever. The compassion in his eyes warmed my heart in a way no fire could. We sealed our lips and clasped our hands together once more. I rested my head on his chest, inhaling deeply. With the top two buttons of his shirt undone, the scent of his skin boldly invaded the deepest corners of my mind. I listened to the faint sound escaping his lips.
"There was a sound to my left, one that stirred no curiosity—who was it reminding me of my heart?" His words made me pause, allowing my heart to race as I parted my lips without lifting my head. "My sunlight sought refuge in your small smiles; pens wrote you down, line by line. From now on, I don't want the moon to rise or the ink to dry."
Before surrendering to the darkness, the words we gave to one another wrapped around my mind. And once again, I fell in love with the man whose scent I could die for.
I woke slowly as someone gently roused me from sleep. Uncertain how much time had passed, I opened my eyes and glanced around. As I stretched and straightened up, I realized I had slept for a long time when the pilot announced we should prepare for landing.
"I slept so much. Was it uncomfortable for you?" I asked Furkan, and his smile answered before his words. "This was the most comfortable journey I've had." Buckling our seatbelts, we prepared for landing. As our flight ended without issue, we exited the plane hand in hand. My eyes caught the large sign reading "Schiphol Amsterdam Airport." This was an entirely unfamiliar place for me, promising a new experience.
During the taxi ride, I didn't miss the chance to admire my surroundings. Unlike back home, the houses here were rarely more than two stories tall. Accustomed to towering buildings, this felt more like a town than a city. Furkan's flawless English accent left me in awe. When he gave the driver the address professionally, I widened my eyes and smirked, clapping silently in exaggerated admiration. This made him laugh—a laugh I could happily spend a lifetime admiring at the corners of his curled lips.
After enduring so much darkness, the joy I now felt was indescribable. My heart, long dormant, rediscovered its rhythm. Casting aside the chaos of my life, I entered the amusement park Furkan had built for me. Every corner of this vibrant park was thrilling, curious. I felt the excitement of being in a bumper car and the freedom of reaching the top of a Ferris wheel. He had freed me from my shackles.
"Thank you for loving me without calculations, without lies, without deceit," I said, offering a small, grateful smile.
"You don't need to say anything. I don't want to hide what's inside me. When I look into your eyes, I want everything in my mind to flow from my lips to your ears, then to your heart. When you hold my hand, I want you to never let go. I don't want my heart, which knows your presence, to grow accustomed to your absence. I don't want there to be a 'before you.' I want you to be the rest of my life."
I could swear I saw regret flash through his eyes like lightning. That sudden feeling unsettled me, sending storms through my mind.
"Is something wrong?" My voice carried the weight of my question, matching the heaviness I felt in my body. I couldn't make sense of his falling mood. He shook his head but turned away. The disappointment I felt was indescribable. What was this?
When the taxi stopped, I realized we had arrived. After paying and thanking the driver, we got out.
Not holding my hand as we left the car bothered me deeply. Had I missed something? Confused and restless, I stared at the gray-painted, single-story house ahead. Walking on the stones laid over the grass, we reached the door. The yard was open; no fences or walls separated the properties. From one end of the street to the other, every house was the same.
"Wait here. I'll get the key from the manager." I merely nodded in response, watching him as he disappeared from sight.
His sudden shift in mood left me disoriented. A coldness I couldn't explain had come between us, and I couldn't help thinking that this wasn't how I had imagined things. I had convinced myself we were on a honeymoon, and I had succeeded—until now.
He said nothing was wrong, but the invisible zipper he had drawn across his lips argued otherwise. Before long, he returned with the key, grabbing my suitcase and unlocking the door without even glancing at me. Silently, I followed.
Inside, a small living room greeted us, separated from the kitchen by an island. The house wasn't old but not new either. The wooden cabinets showed signs of aging, and the couches were covered with various patterned throws. I stood just inside the doorway, not moving an inch as I looked around.
"I'll get rid of these covers," he said, bundling the throws in his arms. Yet, he still avoided looking at me, and his insistence on doing so made it impossible for me to continue—walking, breathing, anything.
I cut him off angrily. "What are you doing?" He straightened, meeting my gaze. "I'm removing the covers!"
"You know exactly what I mean!" I shot back. "Furkan, you haven't said a word in so long. What's wrong? Did I do something to hurt you?" My frustration seeped into my voice, and my lips quivered involuntarily. Cursing the tears pooling in my eyes, I continued.
"What happened? Why are you acting like this all of a sudden?" When he moved closer, opening his arms, I stepped back.
"Don't come near me. Don't think I'll let you touch me as if nothing happened."
Though I desperately wanted to hold him, I refused. If something was wrong, he needed to tell me now.
"You misunderstood! How could I ever be upset with you?" His eyes glimmered as though swearing to the truth, but I couldn't believe him.
"Then what's wrong? Why did you go silent? Why did you build these icy walls? You're fully aware of your sudden change in behavior!"
He took two steps back, turning his back to me. His tensed shoulders betrayed his frustration, and he ran his hands through his hair, swiping them down harshly.
"My mind is in turmoil. I don't know what to do. I'm worried that the plans I made will fall apart, that I won't be able to protect you!" His voice was strained, breaking with each sentence as though ripping from his throat.
"Every time I try to shield you, I see you unhappy somewhere, and it drives me insane. When I see a single tear fall from your eyes, I want to set the whole world on fire. I'm terrified of not being enough for you!"
"Is that why you're pulling away from me?" I wasn't about to back down; my heart was already too hurt.
"Pulling away from you? Do you think that's even possible?" His furious gaze locked on mine, darker and more intense than ever.
"Would you want it to be possible?" My voice broke as tears streamed down my face.
"You think I wanted this?" His hands clenched at his sides as I flung my arms in exasperation.
"Stop!" His eyes shut tightly, opening and closing with restrained fury.
"Do you think I wanted my parents to die?" My tears poured as my soul seemed to detach from my body.
"Stop!" He hung his head, seemingly fighting himself to avoid looking at me.
"Why? Why do you want me to stop?" My anger swelled, erupting like a volcano.
"Are you regretting it?" My voice softened, my shoulders sinking under the weight of my pain.
"Stop, Merve!" He clenched his fists, his body trembling with suppressed frustration. His demand for my silence only deepened the cracks in my heart.
"Do you regret coming here with me? Do you regret knowing me? Furkan, do you regret loving me?"
He lifted his head abruptly and closed the distance between us, silencing me with a kiss that stole the words from my lips.