Elandra sat awkwardly at the end of Ryuji's bed. She took on a different posture than Ryuji had seen before. She seemed more closed off, or maybe not closed off but more willing to show how closed off she is. Ryuji awkwardly moved around the room, tidying up the space a little bit, even though there was not much to tidy up, it was mostly just a method to make sure Elandra didn't feel crowded while she got comfortable. He had made a rule for himself with clients that he wanted them to start the session. He didn't want to just intrude into their life or trauma, they had to open up first, this practice had resulted in a lot of healing through making that first step…but also a lot of awkwardness. Elandra had been in the room for probably 10 minutes and it had been silent the whole time. It was a little unnerving. A young boy hastily tidying his room and a teenage girl awkwardly just…existing there. Needless to say, Ryuji felt the tension of the situation. He desperately wanted her to say something or start conversations , but he knew that was his human, or elvish, nature coming through. It had to be Elandra who spoke first, if this is what Ryuji thought it was then it has to be her.
"So…" Elandra finally spoke up. Ryuji tried not to perk up too much but he was elated. He walked over and sat in a chair that was mainly used for decorative purposes in the room.
"So…" Ryuji said, "What brought you here, Elandra?" Ryuji said in a calming voice.
"Well I wanted to check on you. I know today was a crazy day with your sister and then being called in by Master Lyondel. It must have been a lot…I thought I would be a friendly face," Elandra said. She was masking. Even though her words were sweet and well-meant, Ryuji knew that is not why she was here. He would sometimes see clients do this. They would talk about their noble intentions,and the good they are trying to do so that the counselor doesn't judge them. It's natural. When coming face to face with another human, people often want to put their best foot forward, to try and show their therapist that they are more than what is ailing them. This didn't annoy or frustrate Ryuji, he had grown to feel very compassionate towards people in his many years of service.
"Thank you Elandra," Ryuji said still calmingly, "I appreciate it. It was a hard day. How was your day?"
"Mine? Oh…um…it was fine I guess. Relatively normal for the most part," Elandra said with a smile. She was holding it all in, it was clear now more than ever.
Ryuji decided to give her a nudge, "in the hallway, you said you wanted to ask me about something I said. What was it?"
Elandra did a big gulp, "Oh…that…well I…" Elandra's hands tightened. Ryuji didn't need psychic abilities to see her stress rising.
"Elandra, it's ok if you don't want to talk about it now. I'm not in the business of forcing things out of you. But if you would like to talk about it then I am available whenever you feel comfortable," Ryuji said. He had said this line before. The beginnings of therapy were like a dance. Two people getting to know one another intimately but also professionally. Ryuji had a way of navigating the beginning, but after that, it was always different. It's what he kinda loved, he got to explore the uniqueness of people.
Elandra was taken aback a bit, "oh…alright. Well then…" Elandra cleared her throat, she took a very formal posture, "earlier you told me that it's ok for me to feel anger towards my father…what did you mean by that?"
Ryuji thought for a moment, "anger is an emotion we are all going to have whether we like it or not. We can try and hide our anger and tuck it deep down…" Ryuji grew silent for a moment. Some unpleasant memories suddenly surfaced. "…or we can allow ourselves to feel it. Accept that we are angry and use it to drive us towards healthy confrontation."
Elandra looked stunned, and admittedly; lost. "I'm sorry what?" Elandra said in confusion.
Ryuji felt himself cower a bit but pressed onward, "what I'm trying to say is it is ok to express that you have anger towards your father. I could see it earlier when we were having our lesson, or was I incorrect?" Ryuji asked.
"No!" Elandra said a little louder than she intended. She settled herself back down and spoke a bit quieter, "I wasn't angry with him earlier," she said.
"Then I'm sorry for assuming," Ryuji said, "if you don't mind me asking, what were you feeling? When your father came in and scolded you for my actions, what feelings came up?"
"I don't…" Elandra began to say, it was clear wheels were turning in her head. She was looking for the perfect answer, "I felt resolve."
"Resolve?" Ryuji asked.
"Yes…because he was right. I'm your teacher. I'm supposed to watch over you. If you decide to leave and make me waste my time alone in a room waiting for someone who doesn't want to be there then that is on me. It means I wasn't a good enough teacher, I wasn't engaging enough," Elandra said. Ryuji could sense the tension in her mind. The things she was holding in. Not just against her father, but almost everyone. She was constantly suppressing anger and emotions in the pursuit of…perfection.
"So when your father scolds you it is him trying to show you your weaknesses so you can overcome them. That is an astute way of looking at things. Your father is trying to make you better. Do you feel like his advice makes you better?" Ryuji asked.
"What are you doing Ryuji?" Elandra asked, he could hear the anger in her voice, it was like when a dragon is preparing to breathe fire, "are you trying to turn me against my father? Trying to question my household? We have served your family for generations but you are not even a real Lyondel! You do not get to criticize my family!"
Ryuji took on a posture of non-aggression. Even though the anger was explosive, Ryuji appreciated it. He appreciated any emotion at all that wasn't apathy. He also knew that nothing he had said was criticism, for her to take it that way meant it was something she already wrestled with, but it wasn't his job to pressure it out of her, he needed to be present and listen.
"I'm sorry Elandra," Ryuji said, "your father is a good man and you are a loving and caring daughter. I'm sorry if anything I said came across as doubtful towards you and your family. I know how much you look out for your father, you serve your household well."
Elandra's breathing evened out a little bit, "your right. I love my father. I have no right to question him, or anger him, or disappoint him," Elandra said, trying to regain her elegant composure, but she had broken the dam. Ryuji could sense that emotions she hadn't wanted to feel were starting to well up inside her.
"That's a hard standard to live up to," Ryuji said, "as you just said i'm not even a true Lyondel. I have no true family allegiance but I still live under the standards of my household. I know what it's like to feel like you are not enough unless you are fulfilling the expected desire of someone else…it leaves you empty…and in a lot of pain," Ryuji felt sorrow well up within him like a rising tide. He did the best he could to quell it. "That has been my experience. Right now I'm just trying to understand yours. No judgment, no disapproval or disappointment, I only want to know Elandra's feelings, not anyone else's."
"Feelings towards what?" Elandra asked. She folded her arms, it was like she had built a wall between them.
Ryuji had to attempt to break through, forming even a crack in the metaphysical manifestation before him, "do you feel like you can be angry with your father? Do you feel like anger or any negative emotion, is valid to feel towards…anyone?" Ryuji asked. He was giving a big swing, but not it was time to see if the wall was going to give or grow tighter.
Elandra didn't say anything for a while. She just silently stared at Ryuji with fire in her eyes. Ryuji could tell the wheels were turning but didn't know the conclusion she was working out.
"Did you use magic on me?" She finally said.
Ryuji was taken aback, "what? Elandra I would never…"
"You must have! You're a child! You are talking like a grown man, trying to tell me what's ok and not ok. You barely know enough about the world to decide for yourself, why would you think you could tell me anything? I have no right to resent my father even if…" Elandra stopped. She stood up and turned towards the door. Ryuji grew disheartened as he could see the walls being built. He had made a small crack in the one she manifested but built more to compensate. She walled off her emotions inside, Ryuji felt his heart sink.
"This was a mistake. I'm sorry Ryuji, you are only a child, I'll see you at your lesson tomorrow," she said and headed towards the door. Ryuji knew he couldn't make her stay, nor should he try.
"I'm sorry for getting you into trouble today, Elandra. I'll be more mindful of how my actions affect others in the future," he said.
Elandra hesitated before opening the door but then did so without a word.
"AAA!" A voice said on the other side of the door. Ryuji looked around Elandra and saw Lorraine standing there with a letter.
"I…well…I…uh…SORRY!" Lorraine said, throwing the letter into the room and dashing down the hallway. Ryuji was too confused to fully comprehend the situation but was raised from his stupor by closing the door. He was alone in his room again. Alone only with his thoughts. He sighed and slumped back into his chair. What could he have done differently? Was there anything to be done? Ryuji's mind was consumed with thoughts of the interaction, he poured through each line of dialogue searching for answers but he couldn't figure it out. A tear fell down his cheek, and he wiped it away quickly, even though he was a child he wouldn't let himself be devastated over this. He held in his tears as well as he could, the well of emotions was too strong.
"I thought I wouldn't have to be alone again. But the feeling persists even here…" Ryuji said. He slumped into his hands and began to weep.