The cave was alive with the sound of snoring—a deep, rumbling chorus that made it feel like I was trapped inside a drum. I sat near the entrance, poking at the glowing shard in my hand, wondering if I could get it to do anything cool like summon a mini laser or a tiny robot. Instead, it just sat there, smug and uncooperative.
"Some legendary artifact you are," I muttered, tucking it away.
My moment of peace didn't last long. From the darker corner of the cave came a loud CRACK! followed by the unmistakable sound of someone swearing in ogre-speak.
"Oi, runt!" Grumpy's voice echoed through the cave, breaking the precious silence.
I sighed. "What now?"
I turned to find Grumpy—or rather, Dumbo McScowls-a-Lot—cradling what looked like a badly bruised hand. He'd apparently been trying to crack open one of the Glowshroom stalks I'd brought back, only to learn the hard way that they were as tough as stone when dried out.
"You brought back useless junk!" he growled, throwing the stalk at me.
I caught it mid-air and smirked. "Useless junk? Watch and learn, o mighty genius."
---
Step 1: Show Dumbo how it's done
Glowshrooms, when freshly harvested, are soft and chewy—perfect for eating. When they dry out, though, they turn into sturdy, glowing rods, which made them ideal for crafting. Of course, explaining that to Grumpy was like trying to teach a rock how to do calculus.
I pulled a shard of Luminescent Mycelium from my pouch and rubbed it against the Glowshroom stalk. Sparks flew, and within seconds, the stalk softened like butter in the sun.
"There," I said, handing it back to him. "Now it's edible."
Grumpy stared at the softened stalk like it had just insulted his mother. "How'd you do that?"
"It's called thinking," I said with a grin. "You should try it sometime."
He muttered something under his breath but took a bite, his eyes widening in surprise.
"Huh," he said between mouthfuls. "Not bad."
"Glad to be of service," I said, already turning back to my spot.
---
Step 2: Establish Dominance Through Snacks
The other ogres weren't blind—or deaf, unfortunately. Seeing Grumpy eat something new immediately turned them into a pack of wild hyenas.
"Me next!" one shouted.
"Share, ya big lug!" yelled another.
Scarface, ever the opportunist, decided this was the perfect moment to make his entrance. He stomped over, grabbed the remaining Glowshroom caps from my pouch, and waved them in front of the others like some sort of demented showman.
"This is the runt's doing," he declared, his voice booming. "She brought back food. Respect her, or go hungry!"
A moment of silence followed. Then:
"Respect her? Nah, I'd rather fight her for it," Grumpy grunted, already cracking his knuckles.
"Of course you would," I said, rolling my eyes.
---
Step 3: Win Over the Idiots with a Little Drama
Grumpy lunged at me, and I sidestepped easily, letting him stumble over a stray rock. He hit the ground with a thud, and before he could get up, I activated Spore Cloud.
A golden mist filled the air, causing everyone to cough and wheeze. I stood in the middle of it, arms crossed, trying not to laugh as the ogres flailed around like headless chickens.
"Lesson of the day," I said, my voice muffled by the fog. "Don't mess with the baby ogre who has actual skills."
The mist cleared after a few seconds, revealing a group of very confused, very disgruntled ogres. Grumpy was on his knees, hacking up a lung, while Scarface just stared at me with a mixture of amusement and annoyance.
"That… was unexpected," he said finally.
"Get used to it," I replied, brushing off my hands. "I'm full of surprises."
---
Step 4: Secure Your Spot at the Top of the Food Chain
By the time the chaos died down, the Glowshrooms were gone, and the ogres were all lying around like overstuffed cats. Even Grumpy seemed too tired to complain anymore.
"Alright, runt," Scarface said, leaning against the cave wall. "You've proven you're not completely useless. But don't think this makes you one of us."
I smirked. "Oh, I don't want to be one of you. I'd rather be the one in charge."
His eyes narrowed, but before he could respond, a loud roar echoed from the forest outside.
The ogres tensed, their eyes darting toward the entrance.
"Sounds like dinner's ready," I said, already grabbing my makeshift club.
Scarface chuckled. "You're crazy, you know that?"
"Maybe," I said with a grin. "But I'm also the one with the skills, remember?"
---
Step 5: Repeat Steps 1–4 Until They Stop Being Idiots
As the ogres followed me out into the moonlit forest, I couldn't help but feel a strange sense of accomplishment. Sure, they were still a bunch of overgrown toddlers with anger issues, but they were my overgrown toddlers now.
And if I could turn this ragtag group of misfits into something resembling a functional team, then maybe—just maybe—I had a shot at surviving this crazy world.
"Alright, boys," I said, raising my club. "Let's go show that forest who's boss."