I AM NOT INSANE.
I AM NOT UGLY.
I AM NOT SCARED.
I AM NOT SCARRED .
I AM NOT INSANE.
I AM NOT INSANE.
I AM NOT UGLY.
I AM NOT SCARED.
I AM NOT SCARRED.
I AM NOT INSANE.
I AM NOT INSANE.
I AM NOT UGLY.
I AM NOT SCARED.
I AM NOT SCARRED.
I AM NOT INSANE.
They say third times a charm.
So that's what I did, nine times three times a day.
That was my daily mantra.
My daily affirmations,to rid myself of the horrors that people who were supposed to love me. To protect me,to be my light in the darkness gave me.
When people start to turn on you, stab you in the back, betray you; you don't notice it in the beginning , you try to brush it of as a one time thing. Maybe it was a mistake or that they were in a bad mood or a lapse in judgment .
I AM NOT INSANE.
I AM NOT UGLY.
I AM NOT SCARED.
I AM NOT SCARRED.
I AM NOT INSANE.
But then they do it again,
and again
and again
continuously and you start to ask yourself,
'Was it something I did?!'.
You try to find excuses for their actions try to understand why their doing what their doing even though it wasn't your fault.
I AM NOT INSANE.
I AM NOT UGLY.
I AM NOT SCARED.
I AM NOT SCARRED.
I AM NOT INSANE.
But what excuse do you give people who never cared?!!
For someone to betray you there must have been some semblance of love, or maybe trust. At the very least there should be some thing that connects you to them.
Maybe there was a time when they loved me and I loved them back. But it must have been a long time ago because my brain cannot come up with any memory of that act.
I also used to blame myself; was it because I was different?
Or that I screamed to loudly during their sessions?
I AM NOT INSANE.
Or that I was so ugly that they put a bag on my head?
I AM NOT UGLY.
Or that I was too needy in wanting that trust , love and affection they gave each other.
I AM NOT SCARED.
But then I realized, I was not the problem, they were.
I AM NOT SCARRED.
It took a while though; finding me, convincing myself that I was not ugly, not weak, not afraid. Telling myself that
I AM STRONG.
I AM BEAUTIFUL.
I AM WORTHY.
And the more I found myself I got better. Their words could not hurt me anymore, I didn't need their love or their trust, I could love myself just fine.
And that was enough for me.
For a while.
I AM STRONG.
I AM BEAUTIFUL.
I AM WORTHY.
Until I started to fight back and they realized all that they could inflict on me was physical.
My mind wasn't theirs anymore.
But I couldn't stop there. I can't!!
I am getting out of this place.
I am getting out of this place.
I am getting out of this place.
And to hell with anyone that stands in my way.
I DID IT!
I FOUND ME!
And boy am I ready to give back; GENEROUSLY.
I am Adeline Hayes.
Welcome to the DARKSIDE.