My body aches as I sink down into the steaming hot springs. I close my eyes as listen to the distant bird call beyond the stone and bamboo walls blocking the spring from the rest of the estate. Yujiro encouraged me to take the time to collect myself. And the others are standing guard, ensuring that no others from the sect who seek to do me harm will disturb my recovery further.
Claim whatever you desire. Even me.
I'll wait for you to come back to me.
I can't stop thinking about Yujiro, the memories that returned and what he's said to me.
Alone with my thoughts, I trace my lips with my fingers. A liffe I don't remember. A love I experienced but I don't know. Do I follow this path or am I trapping myself? I'm unaccustomed to such care and kindness. No one is entitled to me.
I am not entitled to anyone. My life and its worth, is only determined by me. These are truths I must remember. The cultivation world is ruthless and no matter how many allies I make along the way, we all seek power and immortality. I will have to decide if my desires outweigh the lives of those around me. I want revenge but what else do I live for beyond that?
Who I seek revenge against? The Celestial Mountain Sect slaughtered my family. Why? Or did they? If they didn't do it, who really did? I just don't have enough information to move forward yet. The fact that my mention of it enabled me to join means something is going on.
I don't know what to make of Qin Tao this time around. He was there when I died. He destroyed my attempts at ascenscion but ultimately, it was Heaven that ended my last run. He is not the man who mocked me as I burned away. Right now he is an awkward, kind, young man who seems to be invested in showing me he's well meaning. But that doesn't mean anything.
I have to decide who I am in this moment and who I want to be. I don't want to live in the shadow of who I was or who I will become. The heat of the springs seeps into my skin and soothes my aches. I lift my hand and admire how smooth and unbleamished my skin is. I'm too thin, but my complexion isn't bad. If I improve my diet, everything else will improve.
I lift myself out of the water to work soap through my hair on the side. Dumping a bucket of warm water to rise it clean. It's thick and raven black now that I've cleaned all the much from it. It's my favorite feature about myself aside from my eyes. I frown at my figure, it's not how I want to look, tiny and frail but with training, I can become stronger.
I slip back into the springs and I hear a distant splash on the other side of the bamboo fence that separates the spring into a male and female bathing area. I look towards the fence with a soft smile.
"It's me," a deep warm voice that could only be Yujiro calls out. "How are you feeling?"
I move closer to the fence, imagining Yujiro's strong physique submerged in the water so close to me. I shake my head. It must be hormones from this teenaged body polluting my rational mind.
"Better, I reply. This spring is really something." I reply, smoothing my hair over my shoulder. "I think with proper food and training, I'll surpass my limits quickly."
"Good. It's good to have a clear goal in mind if you wish to become stronger. You'll have to decide if you wish to focus on a particular area or a couple areas. You're quite intelligent, but you'll spread yourself thin if you try to master everything." Yujiro comments. "How you wish to focus will impact on the body hardening technique you'll need to pursue to improve." Yujiro offers, his voice closer to the fence than before. "Things to think about as you go forward."
"I have some ideas of what I want to do but we can talk about it more tomorrow." I reply with a smile. He's taking his role as my teacher seriously, which I appreciate. But it's not what I want to talk about. "... Do you know who killed my family?" I ask suddenly.
Yujiro sighs. "No. It's something you must decide for yourself if you wish to pursue it. Things are different this time, even if I did know, it might not be true." I can imagine the thoughtful frown on his face as he considers what else to say to me. "Do you wish to be trapped in the mindset of what no longer is true or will you create something new?"
I suddenly want to feel some level of connection. I feel adrift and I need to ground myself. I place my hand against the fence, the thin strips of bamboo rough against my palm. "What if that means I don't chose you this time?"
There is a long pause. The fence rattles as I feel something push back against the spot where my hand is. I blush though no one can see my face. I look up to where I think Yujiro's face is on the other side of the fence. He's responding to my desire, as thoughtful as he is of my feelings. I cann't help but smile.
"I can't be afraid of what hasn't happened, little rose. I remember the time we shared fondly but I want you to make your decisions based on what you want. It'd kill me if you forced yourself into a box that no longer defines you." His voice is soft, thoughtful and loving.
"Li Mei, I want you to love me because it is natural, not because I've trapped you into it." He adds.
His words makes my heart hurt. I want to fold myself into his large arms. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "Thank you."
"We'll figure this out together, Li Mei. You don't have to be lonely, I'm here for you regardless of what I end up being to you."
I smile and open my eyes. "It's hard to deny but I don't know yet. What it is that I really feel."
"You're too cute, little rose." Yujiro chuckles. "I admit, I'm having a hard time with you so close but far away. Go rest unless you plan on joining me over here." I blush again and chuckle.
"I don't wish to make you suffer. I'll go rest," I decide with a nod.
"We have time to figure this out, Li Mei. Each day we share together is a gift, enjoy it." Yujiro adds as I pull away. "Rest well."
"Thank you, Yujiro." I stare at the fense and the urge to go to the other side of the fence tempts me. Enjoying the fierce love of a powerful man who wants to be with me is tempting. It almost doesn't feel like I've earned it yet. I don't think I'm ready for him. As much as I want to feel love, I shouldn't rush. I tear away from the fence and wade from the spring.
I cast one last glance over my shoulder, my heart racing as I force myself to walk away. In my heart, I know I want Yujiro to follow me inside regardless of how much I don't deserve it.