"Dean." Natalie had come back into the hallway.
He turned his head quickly and looked at her. "What!" He snapped back.
"Oh my God, your nose is bleeding."
He touched the back of his hand to his nose. Natalie was right. His nose had started to bleed. He was beginning to taste the copper on his lips. She ran over to the reception desk and grabbed a box of tissues.
Suddenly, Dean realized what had just happened to Alex and Natalie. The truth was that he hadn't been there. Thirty-one weeks is almost an entire pregnancy, and he wasn't there. That little girl doesn't know his voice. He hasn't felt her kick or move. He hasn't even seen Allie's swollen belly.
"Here."He took a few and wiped his nose.
"Thanks. It will stop eventually," he said.
Suddenly, he felt very regretful and filled with remorse. He looked at his baby sister. She saw him—her brother. That other person was gone.
She dropped the box, wrapped her arms around his waist, and started to cry.
Dean held the tissue to his nose with one hand, put his arm tight around his Natty Bug, and hugged her.
He released her from the hold he had her in. He put his back against the wall and slid to the floor. He motioned for Natalie to sit beside him.
"Why don't we give them a little privacy," Bruss told Makayla.
"Dean, don't lean your head back. Sit up, lean forward, and keep your head above your heart. That will lessen the bleeding. And don't swallow it. Just let it come out. It should stop faster," Makayla said.
"I wish I knew that months ago. Thanks."
"Sure. Mention it any time."
"Don't you mean don't mention it?" he asked.
"No, I don't."
They left the brother-and-sister duo in the hallway. Dean had his knees drawn up, his forearms resting on them. Natalie was sitting with her legs crossed.
"Who was that Dean?"
"Who? Makayla?"
"No, Dean. Who was the man fighting with a police sergeant in the hallway of a hospital? Who was the man that yelled at me? I looked into your eyes, and you weren't there. And why is your nose spontaneously bleeding?"
Dean was holding the bloody tissue in his hand. He just looked at it.
"It's called Coke Nose."
Natalie looked up at him. Her eyes were red, and she was sniffing hard. Dean reached over and picked up the tissues she had dropped. He offered her the box. She took out several. She blew her nose with half and wiped her eyes with the remaining ones.
He took out a big wad to soak up the blood.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"Sometimes. Cocaine can increase your risk of nosebleeds. It decreases circulation. The nose membranes become more fragile with prolonged decreases in circulation. The damage makes it easier for the lining of the nose to tear and bleed. I read all about it in rehab. When I get irate, my blood pressure increases, and that's when it seems to happen."
"Oh," she said. She was playing with her shoelace.
"Bug, I am so unbelievably, absolutely, wholeheartedly sorry. Not only for how I treated you but also for what I said that day you left. I was so angry. I felt abandoned by you. I wanted you to hurt as much as I did."
"I appreciate the apology. I left because I am scared of you, Bean. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells, trying not to set you off. Your words cut me deep."
He put his arm around her and pulled her into him.
"It took me actively bleeding for you to give me a Natty Bug hug."
"I could have punched you in the face a couple of weeks ago if you would have let me."
"Ya know what? You should have. Three times. One from you, one from Makayla, and an extra hard one from Allie. I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm so selfish. I don't want to be this way. I have a battle going on inside of me. When the anger comes out, I know what I'm doing, but it's like I'm standing outside of myself and am pleased with what I'm doing. I'm even cheering myself on. I'm proud of what I am doing or saying. But then, when the fit is over, I have this guilt. I know I shouldn't act that way, and a year ago, I would have kicked the shit out of me for my behavior."
"Dean, that sounds a lot like associative identity disorder. Makayla said a name, Mikey.
"Can we not talk about this?"
"No. It's this Mikey asshole who told me to back the fuck off. It's him that called me a whiny bitch. My guess is he is not the one who got his ass kicked by Alex."
"I didn't get my ass kicked. Mikey would have killed him. He also never apologizes to anyone for anything. He's an actual douchebag."
"I don't want you to be him. He hurts people. I can't believe this personality is inside you." She started to cry. "I just want my big brother back. The brother who would pick me up like a sack of potatoes and spin me around till I was going to puke. The brother who rode horses with me for hours, and we would eat apples in the orchard till we got tummy aches. The brother who would throw me fully clothed into the pool and then dive in after me. Where is he, Bean? Why did you lose him? You lost yourself."
He put his other arm around her and hugged her. He kissed her on the top of her head. Her hair smelled like baby shampoo.
"I'm trying Bug. I'm trying. I wasn't cut out for undercover ops. I didn't have the mentality for it. I try to please everyone. And I started to please the people around me by doing what they demanded of me. Then, I did things to please myself with blatant disregard for anyone else. I started therapy. I've been a couple of times. I'm unsure if it's helpful, but I'm trying."
"Well, if I were you, I wouldn't stop anytime soon, but I hope it helps. I miss you," she said. "Hey, Dean?"
"What?"
"She pulled out of the hug and looked at him."
"I don't mean to sound flighty, but why did Makayla call you a sperm donor? Please tell me you didn't get pregnant with that girl in California?"
"No, I didn't get that girl pregnant."
"Then what were you ranting about?"
"Don't lose your shit," he said.
"If you tell me not to lose my shit over something, chances are I will lose my shit."
"Well, I found out," he looked at his watch," "about three hours ago that I'm going to be a daddy to a baby girl," he said. "What angers me is that Alvarez found out forty-eight hours after she did."
"Wait. I'm confused. Who did you knock up?" she asked.
"Allie. Bug. I got Allie pregnant. From what fuck head said, she got pregnant the last night we spent together," he said.
"Whoa! Hold up, she can't have babies."
"Well, apparently, I am a super stud."
"No, you're not. Mom's not going to be selling your sperm anytime soon," she laughed.
He smiled that beautiful smile where his cheekbones raised, making his eyes squinty. He was the one Allie fell in love with.
"Oh. My. God. Bug. I can't believe you just went there! Anyway, I don't know how it happened."
Natalie opened her mouth to speak.
"I know HOW it happened, smart-ass. I guess I can't believe it happened. Here I am, the world's biggest prick, having a baby with the love of my life who despises me," he said. You know I was supposed to meet her today. She needed to talk to me. I'm confident I now know what that was going to be about."
He bent his neck back and rested the crown of his head on the wall. "You have no idea how amazing it would have been to hear it from her. Hearing her sweet voice tell me she was pregnant with MY baby. We're going to have the baby we both wanted so badly to have. But no, I get to hear it from her fuck boy," he said.
"Fuck boy was kicking your fucking ass, Bruh."
"He wasn't kicking my ass."
"Yeah, let's go with that," she said, turning his chin to look at his face. "That looks like a black eye to me."
"It's not like he didn't walk away without a scratch on him," he said.
"Well, I am super excited no matter how you found out. I can't wait to be a cool auntie. Do you think I should be Auntie Bug or Auntie Natalie? Natalie is more mature, but Bug is more kid-friendly. I think you should name her after Gram. Her name was so pretty. I hate-" Her speech was fast, and her sentences ran together.
He cut her off. "BUG! Slow your roll already!"
"Is it twins? Dad and Uncle Perry are twins, ya know?" she asked.
"Yes, I am perfectly aware Dad and his brother are twins. I knew before you did."
"How did Makayla keep it from me? Oh, she's going to get it! Then again, I haven't seen Allie in a couple of months since Makayla, and I brought her over some spicy chicken nuggets and fries."
"Wait. Allie, my Allie ate fast food? And spicey fast food to boot?"
"No. Pregnant Allie ate fast food and spicey to boot," she said. What's going to happen between her and Alex? Do you think she's going to take you back or-
"Good Christ. Do you think I give a rat's ass about what is going to happen with Alex?" he asked.
"Ah, you should. Big brother, I don't think you understand the gravity of their relationship. She told Makayla that he asked her to marry him, and she was seriously considering his proposal."
"I'm sorry?"
"Yeah, you should be at this point," she said.
"No, I mean, she was considering marrying him? Jesus, it took me over a year to get her to agree to marry me."
"Want to hear the part that is going to piss you off?"
"No."
"Too bad I'm going to tell you anyway. You, big brother, seem to forget they had a committed relationship before and have known each other for years. He proposed the day they got together, the day she got your letter."
"Holy fuck! This just keeps getting better and better. There is no way we are getting back together. Just no fucking way," he said. "I am the biggest imbecile ever to walk this planet. I pushed them together. I saw them the night I stopped at Jake's. I should have known that he was going to become her keeper. He even said he became her source of protector."
She put her arm around him. "I'm sorry, bro. No offense, but she needed someone, and he was the closest thing to a male friend she had. A single male friend. If only you could have contacted her somehow."
"I called her."
"You what!"
"I bought a new burner phone every week for weeks, and I would call her. I just needed to hear her voice. I never spoke to her. I would either listen to her voicemail, which, by the way, I guess Peanut was, in fact, not a cat, or she would answer and try to figure out who was on the other end. She would say that the first couple of times I called after, I would switch phones," he said. "Then, one night around one morning, I called, and Alvarez answered. He called her his wife. He had some other choice words that didn't bother me at all. But hearing him call her his wife, true or not, destroyed me. I figured she had moved on without me so I wouldn't feel guilty about it."
"But she didn't. You messed up. Probably beyond the threshold of forgiveness," she said.
"Thanks for kind words," he said sarcastically.
"Like I always say, it's not mean if it's true."
"This is getting exhausting. I am going to have a daughter. I need to focus on her. I'm going to have a daughter. Doesn't that sound impossible? It's the best sentence I have ever said, besides the first time I told Allie I love you."
"It's crazy. It's a miracle. You realize that, don't you?" she asked. "It does suck, though."
"What sucks about it?"
"You will be here to watch her be born. To see her grow up, get married, and give you grandchildren, but it's very possible that Allie won't. You had better pray that the Lord has an extra miracle he doesn't need. It would be best to grasp the possibility that she might die, Dean. From the gossip I heard in the lobby, she might very well have been beaten so badly that she may not make it," she said.
"I haven't thought that it could happen. I just keep assuming she will ok."
"You may have to make a difficult decision, Dean. You need to be prepared. Right now, just pray. Pray for your little girl. Pray for Allie. They are all that matters in life right now. Everything else, everyone else don't."
"You know what, Bug?"
"What?" she asked.
He looked over at her. "I hope my daughter is just like you," he said. He bumped his sister with his shoulder.
"Me too because you're a train wreck."
She put her head on his arm, and they sat together silently, like a little sister with her big brother. He enjoyed it, and then...
"So, have you told mom and dad? They are going to be so excited, ya know. Maybe more than me, if that's humanly possible. Do you think she will be small like me? Can you imagine if she grows tall like you or Dad? Personally, I kind of hope she does because being short is tough. If one more person asked me how the weather was down there. I am going to punch them in the crotch since I'm down there anyway," she said.
He hung his head and laughed. "Yeah. I hope she's just like you." He looked up. That would be an adventure!
Bruss came around the corner. "Sorry to interrupt you, but Dean, I need you to come with me."
"What's up?"
"I'm about to talk with a doctor."
He stood up and pulled Natalie up, and she went two feet in the air before her feet hit the floor.
"I love you, Bug, and I will try to make up for my behavior. Please let me know what I can do." He hugged