Around two in the morning, she woke up with a horrible thirst. She stumbled her way to the kitchen. She rummaged through her fridge till she found a bottle of Gatorade. She downed the bottle quickly.
When she shut the door, she saw the pictures of her and Dean. She looked at her favorite photo of the two of them. It was on the boat the day that she almost drowned. Again, it's an odd thing to love a picture of. It was when he pulled HR from the water. He held her close, wrapped in a blanket. She clung to him like a life preserver. He was kissing her forehead, and she had her eyes closed. You could feel the love coming off them just through the looks on their faces.
She watched Alex as he slept. He looked so peaceful. She started to cry softly. She missed Dean so much. She would watch him sleep while listening to his heartbeat. She wanted to hear his heartbeat again. She started to cry a little harder. She went back to her room and climbed back into bed.
Not only had she lost her fiance, but she had lost Alex, too. She couldn't hold to love if it had a handle.
He woke up when he heard her crying. He waited until he heard her stop, knowing she needed to cry it out. When her room went quiet, he tried to open the door. She had locked it.
He knocked. "Allie, didn't we agree you are not going to the door?" Allie, he knocked hard. "Allie, are you okay?"
She didn't answer.
"Allie?"
"I'm going to break your door down, so open the flipping door unless you want to repair it."
Still nothing. "If you by the door, Cara Mia, please move."
Alex turned, and the mule kicked the door by the door handle. Weakest spot on the door. Please never try to break down a door with your shoulder.
"I know you are pretending to sleep." He went over to her bed and sat down on the side. "Allie? Allie?"
He started to shake her. She didn't move. He turned on her side table light.
"Oh my God, Allie! What did you do? He was now in a panic."
He saw an empty pill bottle on the table and picked it up. Amibian, the 30-count was filled out five days ago.
"Oh, Christ, Allie." He gently patted her face. "Wake up, Allie. Oh, baby, what did you do?"
He picked her up and carried her to the bathroom. She began to babble.
"Jesus fucking Christ, Allie, what the hell were you thinking." He sounded terrified.
He put her on the bathroom floor, on her side. Then he frantically searched her drawers and the medicine cabinet.
"Where is it, Allie?" He started pulling things out of the linen closet, dropping them on the floor as he went along. Eventually, he found what he was looking for: a bottle of ipecac syrup.
He put her head in his lap and fed her the syrup. She coughed.
"Allie, you have to drink this, please," he begged.
Her face screwed up at the taste of the syrup.
He wasn't sure if any of it was getting into her stomach. There was a lot on her face and rolling into her hair. He sat her up and put her head over the toilet. After a couple of minutes, she started to wretch. The smell of tequila and stomach acid filled the room. The third time she let go, he began to see purple liquid, which was the Gatorade he heard her drinking in the kitchen. Thank God, small round pills are floating on the surface. Alex held her hair back, and she proceeded to vomit three more times. She wretched for a while, but nothing else came up.
"Allie, I have to call 911."
"No," she squeaked out.
"I have to. The syrup worked, but I don't trust it's all gone. Plus, that stuff was from 1989. You know how this works. Poison control or 911. You decide."
"No, you can't. If you call, work will find out, and I will be put on leave and given a mandatory 72-hour hold at Laurelwood. I can't have that happen. Please, Mi Vita. I will lose my job! I can't lose my job. I have $8 in my checking and $500 in my savings."
You may need to cut back on the drinking. I'm sure that would help the cause.
"Now is not the time for an intervention, Malibu!"
Alex looked at her. Tears were streaming down her face, carving little streams in the residual syrup on her face. He knew he shouldn't do it but decided not to call for an RA.
"Please don't make me regret this. Now, I want you to get into the bath, okay?"
She flopped her head, nodding.
Alex laid her back on the floor on her side and started the bath. He then sat her back up and peeled off her nightshirt. She was still as beautiful as he remembered.
When the water was warm and the tub was full, he took his clothes off, leaving his underwear on, picked her up, and gently lowered her in. He sat down with her between his legs.
"What were you thinking, Alexsandra?"
He started washing her hair.
"I… I guess I am just—" She started crying.
"What can. I do for you? How can I help?"
She inhaled deeply. Her breath was staggered. "Then, will go to California and bring my fiancé back?" "I wish I could, Cara Mia. I would do anything for you, except I can't do that."
He started to rinse out her hair. She swished her legs side to side, causing little waves.
"Will you stay with me? I don't want to be alone." She turned her head and looked at him. "Please."
"I planned on it. I don't think you should be alone."
He stared into her eyes. "You really scared me. You can never do anything like that again. What would I have told Dean when he came back? Or Makayla? Or Bruss? I don't understand why you would do something so reckless."
"He's never coming home, Alex." She sobbed. "I can feel it in my heart. And I wanted… I wanted to be with my mom and my brother. I feel so alone. I lost everyone I love. I know I've lost him," Allie said, her voice quivering.
"Hey, I'm still here. What am I, chopped liver? And don't say that. You know he will be back. Maybe tomorrow or in a few weeks, but he will return."
"Or a couple of months or a couple of years. I can't do this. It's been what? Five weeks and I am getting hammered in a bar talking to some scumbag who I know I have seen somewhere before. What if you didn't come to get me? I like chopped liver."
"Yes, but I did pick you up. You were smart enough to call me. And I don't want to play the what-if game," Alex said.
After he finished washing her, he could feel her body going slack. She was feeling the effects of the Ambien.
"Let's get you to bed. Maybe have a few sips of ginger ale."
He stood up, helped her out of the tub, swept her off her feet, and took her into the bedroom. He put on her bathrobe and led her to bed. He put a couple of towels on her pillow to keep her hair dry.
"Do you want some jammies?" he asked.
She shook her head, removed the robe, and got under the covers.
"Can you come under the covers, please? Please hold me."
"Allie, I have no get-under-the-covers kind of clothes. I don't even have dry underwear."
"You can always just—"
He cut her off. "I am not going to be naked next to you with you being naked. I am going to get my clothes back on. I will stay here, above the covers, until you fall asleep. I want to listen to your breath for a while, and then I will be on the couch. You should not shut this or the bathroom door if you get up. Do you understand me?"
She nodded her head. "I think Dean has some clothes in the bottom left-hand drawer. See if there is something you can wear to bed."
He let out a hard sigh. He opened the drawer and pulled out a pair of sweatpants with Northwestern running down the leg. Those were Dean's favorite pants. He wore them all the time. The way they would hang low on his hips. She watched as he took off his wet underwear and put the sweatpants on. They hung just like they do on Dean. She forgot how fucking sexy he was. She had two of the most gorgeous men in Cleveland and far beyond, but I am stupid thinking that I was smart enough to keep them.
Alex slid under the covers. She scooted back and molded her body against his.
He felt himself growing hard. He was doing his best to keep it calm. "Allie."
She took his arm and put it over her. She held his hand. He felt her body move slightly as she cried softly. He kissed the back of her head and pulled her as tightly into him as he could.
"I don't think we should make a habit of this."
God, did I miss this. I have dreamt of this moment. Of course, I wasn't comforting her because her soon-to-be husband had left her, and she swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
"I just need it right now, please. I am so sorry I did this. I can't believe I was so stupid. "
He whispered, "You're not stupid; you're in pain. You have to have faith that he will be home soon, and you can continue your relationship as if he never left. "
"What about us?"
"I didn't know there was an us."
"When he comes back, we aren't going to be friends anymore, are we?"
"No, of course, we will still be friends. We just won't see each other as often."
"That is going to suck. I don't know how I could live without you. It would kill me."
"Allie, that was a poor choice of words. You won't be doing anything like this again, will you?"
He felt her body go slack- she had started to fall asleep. He listened to her rhythmic breathing, which was not labored or shallow. He tried to get out of bed, but she held on when he went to move his arm.
"Please don't ever leave me," she muttered.
"Okay, I'm not going anywhere."
"I love you, Dean."
His heart broke a little.
" I love you too," Alex answered. "More than you can ever imagine."
He kissed her head again, pulled her back into his arms, and drifted off to sleep. It was not exactly what he had dreamed of, but he would take whatever he could get.
Malibu watched the entire exchange from the dark corner of her room. He couldn't comprehend what he had just witnessed. He never thought that Allie could break like that. And to kill herself? He was impressed with Alex, who was a standup guy. He didn't like him much that night when Allie went home with him. He could see how much he loved her. How much respect he had for her. Most men would have taken advantage of the situation. He saved her life.
That jackass better get back to Cleveland soon. Things are only going to get more complicated from here. This is not how the story goes.
******
Alex went into the bathroom to see if, by chance, she still had his toothbrush or, better yet, a new one. He thought he had thrown one over his shoulder last night while tearing up the bathroom. When he came out, she was sitting up in bed.
"Hi," she said.
"Hi. How are you feeling?"
"Pretty idiotic. I can't believe I asked you to sleep with me. I can't believe I—"
He sat down on the bed.
"Allie, don't. And you asked me to make love to you.
"And you didn't. Why?" she asked, picking at a string on her comforter.
"It's definitely not because I didn't want to."
"Then why? Maybe if you did... " she said, looking out her window at nothing.
"Because I knew that you didn't want to make love to me. You wanted to spite Dean. Or his memory or something like that. If I ever get lucky enough to make love to you again, I want it to be because you want to make love to me. Not for some personal vendetta you have against Dean. I know how much you love him and would have hated me or yourself today if it had gone down like that. When you fell asleep last night, you didn't say I love you, Alex. You said I love you, Dean. I can't put my heart through another round of wondering if she will love me for real this time."
She played with her fingers.
"I'm sorry. Even though you are always there for me when I need you, I don't understand how you will still do anything for me after all this time. And I loved you for real. Deeply and completely. Sometimes, I hate my choice of letting you go."
"What can I say? Clearly, I'm a masochist," he said, grinning.
"Shelly told me something the last night Dean and I were together."
"And what did Shelley tell you?" He pushed a piece behind her ear.
"You haven't been with anyone since you and I left Jake's that night."
"Oh. She said that, huh?"
"Is it true?" Allie asked.
"Does it really matter?"
"I just wanted to know."
He blushed. "Yeah, it's true. I wanted to savor being with you until I couldn't stand it anymore."
"And?"
"I'm still standing," he admitted.
"When I told you about savoring Malibu that way, you said it was sweet but sad."
"I also said I could only wish someone would love me like that. I love you like that. You were my world, Allie. I would have moved heaven, earth, and the stars, and nothing would stand in my way if you were my girl. I would have quit my job before I quit on you. I was willing to lose everything for you."
"And I couldn't have you do that for me. I didn't want to be the reason you quit being you. The reason you lost everything."
"Yes, but I would have had you. I didn't have anything if I couldn't have you. I guess I want to know… you love him so much more than you ever loved me. What did he give you that I couldn't? Why is he better than me?"
She said nothing. She just sat there playing with her fingers, trying to find the answers.
"He's not better. I know you would have given me anything, no matter how difficult it might have been to obtain. And I don't love him more than I loved you; it was just better timing. I don't have to worry about losing everything he has worked for."
She looked at him. He looked as if he was going to break down into tears.
"And how has that worked out for you? He chose everything he has worked for instead of you being his everything. You are my everything." He started to feel the lump forming in his throat. " I have to go, Allie. Will you be okay?"
She put her hand on his arm.
"Please don't leave. I don't want to be alone."
"I know, and if I could stay, I would, but I have to go to work. I'm in the running for a sergeant's position."
"Really? I hope you get it."
She smiled. "If you make Sergeant, we could finally be together. I mean, we could have."
"Yeah. I thought about that myself. So, I've really got to go."
He stood up and kissed her on the cheek.
She closed her eyes and took in the feeling. She inhaled his scent.
"Take care of yourself. And do me a favor."
"What?" she asked.
"Cut down, cut back, or cut out the drinking. God only knows what would have happened to you last night if I hadn't come to get you. I have never seen you that bad."
She looked embarrassed. "Thanks for coming to my rescue."
"Of course. That's what you do when you love someone," Alex said.
She watched him leave the bedroom and then heard the door close.
He's a good man for what he did for you last night, Caretaker. I can't believe you would try something like that.
I don't know what came over me. I just can't take this loneliness. No offense.
None taken.
Alex stood outside her door. He couldn't just leave her, not after last night. He turned around and let himself back in. He heard her in her room talking to no one.
Wow, she is worse than I thought. "Allie, are you on the phone?" he asked.
"No. No, I am still alone and alive."
He went into her room and sat on the end of the bed.
"I decided that I am staying here. You need to have someone here with you."
"I thought you had to go to work."
"No, you don't understand. I will pack some bags and sleep on your couch for however long you need me. But I am going to call off today."
"That's okay. I don't want you to feel like you need to babysit me."
I already have one of those.
One who couldn't do shit when I watched you take a bottle of sleeping pills. Let the man stay over for a couple of days. It would make him and me feel better.
Alright. That might be a good idea.
"AND you are also going to talk to your doctor about your depression."
"Okay," Allie said, nodding her head. "I can do that."
"AND you are done drinking until Dean comes back. And he is coming back."
"I don't have a problem with that. I don't ever want to have this situation happen again, and I know that the alcohol had a lot to do with it."
"AND for the love of God, please don't ask me to make love to you, have sex with you, fuck you, or have any other kind of sexual contact. There will be a time when I won't be able to say no to you. It just fucks with my feelings. You know how I feel about you and will always feel about you," he said, taking her hand.
"I am so ashamed I did that. I promise you that it won't happen again. If I am not drinking, I am not making bad decisions. Can we still snuggle? I know part of my depression is that I miss that tender contact, and I know I am going to need to be held."
"I don't know Allie. That might open doors."
"But I promise that I will not proposition you."
"I know. It's just that an emotional relationship can develop, and to me, that is just like cheating- maybe even more so."
She hung her head. Even though she knew he had a point, she knew she would need someone to hold her.
Alex," What do you think he's doing right now? I pray every night that he isn't going to be in any relationship, physical or emotional. So, I do understand your reasoning."
"You? Pray? Wow. You are pulling out all the stops."
"It hurts me to think of him with anyone else. God, I am such a hypocrite," she put her head in her hands.
I guarantee he didn't swallow a bottle of pills because he missed you so much, he said under his breath. "You're allowed to feel your feelings, Allie. You are allowed to be a little selfish. This was sprung on you, disrupting the future you were so set on having with him. Knowing your past, you finally felt confident that you were with someone you could love for the rest of your life and who would never even dream of leaving you."
"So you don't think that I am not a hypocrite?"
"Only you can make that determination. Get dressed because you are coming with me to get my things. I'm going to call work and take a personal day. So, be quick like a bunny."
He walked out into the living room.
You know, I am starting to really like him. Don't give up on the big guy yet, but this man would jump in front of a firing squad for you.
You're flipping like an Olympic gymnast, Malibu. Who are you rooting for?
We have to see how the future plays out.
Is that me or you talking?
When you figure that out, you'll have your answer.