Chapter 14: Her Pain
[ She doesn't deserve to be a stan." ]
[ She deceived us! ]
[ Maybe that's why she doesn't want anyone to know her identity. ]
[ Now I regret reading her works. ]
[ Can't you all shut up? She hasn't said anything yet and we don't know the real story. You're judging her too much. ]
A bitter smile appeared on her lips when she read those comments. They're starting to rant her now.
But then the last one.. she laughed a bit. It was just no one.
It was her.. using a fake account. Because no one defended her. No one is on her side so there she is, making a fake account and defending herself as if someone really truly cares for her, even though no one.
She sighs. "You're on the verge of crying again, Lu. You should really stop yourself from this. Stop crying because no one will care. Stop crying because it will be there for you."
'I'm always here.'
Hope suddenly filled her heart upon remembering his words. That he'll be there for her but before she could be happy, another words struck her mind.
'I'm not real..'
She can feel her hope crumpled into pieces because of so much pain. Tears begin to fall and yeah, she is crying.. again.
"Why do I have to feel this kind of torture? It hurts.. so much.." she whispered and wiped her tears. She tried holding back her tears but to no use. It still falls down and it seems endless.
"I-I want to escape this pain again.." she beg. "P-Please.. A-At least someone will be there for me right now. At Least someone will be here and help me escape this pain. Please.." she sob in so much pain. "I-I don't want this pain. Take it away, I beg. Don't do this to me.." and now she start crying harder.
She clutched her chest when she felt her heart being grip tightly again. So much pain that she's feeling, 'Can at least there'll be someone for me?'
"Mu Yan..." she squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself to sleep.
Fortunately, yes she fell asleep. But unfortunately, pain will not subside even a bit.
..
..
"Mu Yan?" She looked around the dark surrounding. There's still the light but there's no one.
"Mu Yan?" She repeatedly calls his name but he doesn't show up.
"Mu Yan?!" she almost shouted. Fear begins to consume her as her heart starts to pound fast not because of the crazy feeling that she always feels when she's dreaming.. it is different.
"M-Mu Yan? Where are you? Show yourself." but still, no one appeared.
Her eyes started to water again because of nervousness as she tried on roaming around the place. It wasn't big and there's nothing except for the lights that were blinking.
"Mu Yan..." she whispered and realized that there's really no one in the place except her.
Now, even in her dream, she's still alone like always.
Those thorns that were piercing her heart went deeper. Her knees trembled and she dropped off on the ground together with her tears again.
Right now she doesn't feel him again. Right now all the words that he said, that he'll always be there for her— that he'll not leave, all of it vanished on her mind and she felt alone.
In the middle of the white and blue lights, she's on the ground, clutching her chest and crying because of too much pain and loneliness.
And then she remembered all of those words that she read earlier.
'She's not worth it to stan.'
'I regret reading her books.'
Her hope, her light and salvation to continue living is already shattered into pieces just like her heart who became emptied.
Now she thought, will she continue writing or not? Will she still embrace the one who gave her reasons to continue living that is now the reasons behind her tears?
Will she give up?
Will she continue fighting even though no one is there for her?
In this battle that she's facing again, there's one thing that she realized.
"Maybe you're right. No one's really there for me in the first place. It was just me.. drowning into my beautiful fiction to escape my painful reality."
***