Chapter 15: Last Time
It's been a day already and she's been anxious about what she will do to make everything right again. She misses those times that she's really into writing. She misses those moments when she's fully passionate and no one is hurting her.
But after them knowing her past..
"I think it won't be back again."
Her mind is still fighting about what to do. Will she continue writing? What if they won't read it? What if they won't support her again? What if they'll judge her? What if no one will be there for her again? All the thoughts keep on pressuring her, making her damn exhausted.
But she thought, what will happen if she'll defend herself? Will they listen? Will they stop judging her? What if they won't? What if they'll leave—
"Agh!" she groaned in annoyance because of so many thoughts running through her mind. It won't stop. It won't leave her.
"When will this stop?" she sighs.
"Maybe if I write more stories? Probably they'll forget my past. Maybe they'll forgive me. I'll have to show them that I can. That I'm not what they think!" she said and hurriedly went to her study table and sat down on her swivel chair before opening her laptop and starting drowning her mind endlessly to the fiction of fantasy.
...
.
Write. Write. Write.
That one word is the only one in her mind now. It keeps on repeating like a broken stereo and it won't stop, and so is she.
It's already 2 A.M. in the morning and she is still in front of her laptop and writing everything with all her might. She needs to write more, more and more.
She needs to derive herself from reality. She needs to write more so everything will be back again to the old days where she lived peacefully. She needs to do it. She must do this.
Her stomach keeps on growling because of hunger, her sweats are bullets, her hands are shaking, and her eyes can't stay focused on something. She's at her limit and she knows that she should stop and rest her body but no, she won't until it's finished.
Right now, she isn't writing all about those fictions. She's writing about her life. How it changed when she started writing, how it became her salvation and inspiration to continue living— everything even those days in the orphanage.
She wrote how the silence and loneliness was always with her. How it consumed her and turned her to the verge of letting go.
All the emotions that she's always feeling because of too much loneliness and tiredness. Her hidden feelings, the exhaustion, anxiety, depression.. her real self finally showed up and decided to reveal everything that she'd been through.
She wants to be free again. She doesn't want to be alone all by herself.
So if this will be the key. So even if sacrificing her privacy and is brave enough to write down her life to end this misery-- she'll wholeheartedly do it.
Doubt is still on her mind but no, she'll be brave. This is her fight and she must face it to finish it.
..
.
Tappings and sounds of the keyboards are the only ones that can be heard for the past few hours again and it's already 6 A.M. in the morning.
Few hours and she didn't even bother to feed her hungry stomach and drink water for her dry throat.
"I'm not finished yet." she said and focused.
She tried to focus but unfortunately, she's really on her limit. And I was so exhausted because of staying up all night, her vision got blurry and it started to feel heavy.
Tiredness consumed her and she lazily dropped her head on the desk beside her laptop and finally dozed off to sleep.
..
.
"Why am I in this place again?" she said and looked around. She feels heavy.
Nothingness is all around the corner. No light to be seen, there's no man in her dreams.
"Mu Yan..." longing in his presence filler her heart.
"I don't want to be here anymore." She'll start hoping again that she will see him, she'll start wishing again that he'll show up when even though it won't. And she doesn't want it anymore. She's tired taking all the pain in her heart at one time. It feels like her heart is getting numb because of the pain that keeps on flipping everyday, every night, every hour, every minute, and every second that passes by.
"So tired.. of waiting again." she dropped herself to the ground and sighs.
"Will he even show up this time?" She laughed a bit. "You're hoping again, don't you, Lu Xia? Stop what you are feeling." She brought her hand on her chest and punched it slightly multiple times.
"Don't hope that he'll come back. Stop it, Lu. Stop it already!" she clench her fist and grit her teeth. She can feel her heart being grip again. It's getting more severe and she doesn't want to feel it anymore.
"No, stop hurting!" She pushed her chest one more time. "Wake up, Lu! N-No! I don't want to be here again. I don't want this anymore. Stop it, Lu! Wake up from this dream. Wake up!" she close her eyes tightly and bit her lower lip harshly. The corner of her eyes starts to get hot and watered again.
She feels so alone in this dream. It's dark. Nothing can be seen. No lights that's blinking.. no Mu Yan in this dream anymore. He's gone, Lu. He won't come back anymore—
"I'm glad that you don't want to be here anymore, your highness."
She stilled. Her heart stops beating for a second, her breath hitch but a single tear falls down on her eyes when she hears that deep and husky voice that is owned by him.
With her trembling knees, she took all of her strength and turned around to face him and finally, her honey brown orbs were able to meet his onyx brown again.
Her tears started streaming down on her face one by one as she stared at the man just a few steps away from her.
"M-Mu Yan.."
A sweet smile appeared on his lips.
"Your highness."
She sob and wasn't able to hold back herself and found stepping forward, wrapping both of her arms on his waist to embrace him tightly.
"M-Mu Yan.." she still can't believe that he came back again. She still can't register it in her mind that he's here again and she's hugging him tightly.
It feels like the old days. When she felt his warmth, she felt at ease. Her tears kept on streaming down but not because of too much pain, relief enveloping her and she cried even more because finally, she met him again.
And when she felt his arms hugging her back, her heart started to race abnormally and she pursed her lips to prevent from smiling.
"Your highness." His embrace tightens as she can feel his head lean down until he whispers in her ear.
"I've missed you."
Her heart jumped in glee. "Mu Yan.."
"It's been so long since we've met. I missed you, your highness."
"I-I.." she's incapable of speaking now because of what he said. It's just so sudden that it really made her heart flip and she can feel her cheeks reddened.
"I-I ahm, I.. I-I—" she heard him chuckling a little.
"Ahh, my highness is shy of me."
She gasps and smacks his back using her hand. "Mu Yan?"
And he laughed. "Cute."
That made her cheeks become hotter so she let him go and covered her face using her both palms.
"S-Shut up!"
He grinned. "Sorry, your highness, but you're just too cute to resist."
"W-What—" her words stop in mid-air when his hands raise and eventually pinch her cheeks.
"Cute." he says again and she looks away in an instant. The beating of her heart became more wild because of what's happening but even though she's really embarrassed, a smile was still plastered on her lips because at last, he's here again.
At last, she's not alone again.
It doesn't matter if she's drowning in this dream anymore because she'll gladly live in this beautiful fiction together with the man who owns her heart now.
She doesn't want this moment to pass. She doesn't want this to end. She doesn't want to wake up and be alone again. She just wants to be with him. She just wants this beautiful fiction of hers to continue and won't end.
***