* * *
I heard it somewhere.
It's like riding a train and looking back and seeing the curves, but thinking it's straight when you're on the train, or thinking you've lived a straight life, but when you look back, it's curved, and that's life.
I vaguely remember it, but the outline of the memory itself is blurry, so I think it was probably something I picked up somewhere in my previous life. I don't even know if there are trains on this side of the world in the first place.
Okay, I guess I should just admit it outright at this point. I have to admit that the bends in my past life, which I thought were flat plains, were actually bottomless abysses.
I wonder where I went wrong, and why I didn't realize the precursors of my missteps sooner.
The unnecessary regrets that cluttered my mind dug up every shred of memory I wanted to keep buried.
The sky was cloudless and sunny that day.
Unlike my mind, which was pleasantly cloudy.
◈◈◈◈
There was a party I was at for a while.
No, I stand corrected. There was a party that was only dipping its toes in the water for a while, in fact, it was safe to say that it was only making a name for itself.
If their talent shone through, their fame would be comparable to the sun. I'd grown up hearing about the up-and-coming talent in my hometown, but in front of them, I felt like a one-watt flashlight from a stationery store.
My kid has talent, but he's not trying.
No, mom. I'm not talented and I'm not trying.
But their talents weren't always in full bloom.
Just as an adult butterfly has a period of time when it must cower in its chrysalis, when I first met them, their abilities were equal to or greater than mine, at least at the time I could fathom the scale of their talents.
But with adventure after adventure, with hardship after hardship, with adversity after adversity, the gap in power between me and them began to widen to a point where I could no longer even put it into perspective.
Fable. Blossoming. Leap. Emergence.
For lack of a better adjective, the explosive growth of the party was unparalleled. Except for me, who was busy standing on the sidelines, like a baseball team's mascot character with no real purpose.
While everyone else in the party was reaching the realm of excellence in their respective fields, I was the only one who hadn't accomplished anything, and I was stuck in a pathetic rut.
Never in my life have I felt so much like the snot-nosed sniper in my favorite mock pirate cartoon, unable to keep up with the monstrous growth of his companions.
Alas, Captain Usopp. What a battle you've been fighting.
But what made my inferiority complex even more miserable was that no one in the party tried to help me, who was nothing more than a stumbling block.
Not out of pity or compassion, but out of a strong sense of camaraderie and trust that had been built up over a lifetime of shared experiences. They seemed to believe that in the not-too-distant future I would reach the same heights as them.
What an unfounded and unrealistic belief.
So I decided to violate their trust before it was too late.
It is a beautiful thing to see the back of a man who knows when it is time to go. Besides that, the sooner the better.
For the party to reach greater heights, I was a bud that needed to be plucked. A burden that must be laid down. The rust that needed to be stripped away.
To wake them up to the uncomfortable truth they were so desperately in denial about, I left them with nothing but a letter stating my intention to leave the party.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some regrets, because the blue journey I've been on with them, through tears and laughter, has been a lot of fun and has taught me some valuable life lessons.
But the majesty of rising above adversity and making it your food is a privilege granted to only a handful of the strong. I've been fed the bean curd by nature, but not always well, as far as I'm concerned, by the greedy for profit.
In short.
I am not worthy to be among them. In my power, I am not enough.
The raw truth I didn't want to let out if it would make me look too ugly. Waves of loss swept through my mind, but there was also an inexplicable sense of release.
So, it's over, I thought.
You're stranded in the middle of a dungeon overrun with demons because you can't keep up with your party's relentless pace.
You're caught in the middle of a dungeon in the middle of a dungeon because your party is practicing physical torture in the name of training, and you're forced to watch the Jumalang in 1080p HD clarity.
Gone are the days of being closely monitored for every move I make, even outside of the dungeon, in the name of protecting my team's healer.
What? Isn't this the best?
By the time that thought flashed through my frontal lobe, my body was long past the border. It was the first time I realized that my lanky legs were capable of moving so lightly and quickly.
Just as a poor sentient being battered by the winds of reality might go to a temple to peel off the grime of the world, so I returned to my hometown after a long absence to slowly peel off the memories of the war imprinted on every inch of my body.
Yes, I was going to do that.
That is, if I hadn't heard the shocking news that had reached my hometown, a town barely large enough to be called a city, much less a rural backwater.
A wanted sign hung in the center of the town square, a familiar montage that I see every morning when I wash my face, a chilling reminder that I'm not alone in my thinking.
[Find this man].
◎Name: Lazis Lowville.
Race: Human (29 years old). Height: 185 centimeters. Gray hair. White eyes.
Characteristics: Dark cut marks on the back of his right hand. Often bumps his head in low-ceilinged areas, grows whiskers at the corners of his mouth when drinking dairy beverages, and often seduces unsuspecting girls with foolish behavior that is often intentional.
Other demographics: Cleric of the first rank.
Must be captured alive and unscathed.
Reward: 100 million gil.
Immediately afterward, I gave up trying to keep track of the number of eyes on me.
Anyone who has seen the final scene of the movie "John Wick 2" can easily relate to it.
I was somewhat expecting them to express suspicion about my sudden disappearance, but I never expected the response to be so immediate.
The party was going on just fine without me, and to be honest, I didn't even think they'd realize I was gone for a week or so.
Should I be impressed or not?
At least, it would have been touching if it weren't for the rumor that was written in the characterization.
''When did I seduce innocent women----. ''When did I seduce a warrior----.''
I directed my unreachable plea at the leader of the party, the one who had dragged me into this superhuman gathering.
Come to think of it, I don't think my life has ever gone the way I intended since I became entangled with her.
It's like being stuck in the back trunk of a recklessly driving car, feeling helpless, like you're being forced to go along for the ride, with no clear destination. Worse, the driver doesn't even realize he's driving recklessly. Oh, my God.
''This wanted tag! It has a royal sigil! I think it's real!''
''100 million? That's a lot of money to live on without working for 10 years!''
''Hey, look! Look at him! Look at his face! It's a montage!''
The more noisy the surroundings became, the more agitated I became.
Perhaps my journey had not been in vain. Even while my mind was racing, my body was already preparing to get out of here.
This crisis was nothing compared to the time when I was waiting anxiously for the party to return from a scouting expedition in a demon lair, where anything could jump out at me from any direction.
There is only one thing that worries me now.
Where I'm going to live and what I'm going to do for a living.
I had left all my money behind except for minimal traveling expenses, so it was obvious that I would not be able to stay in my hometown, and I would have no way to make a living.
No matter. I have no choice but to stop by the Holy See and look for a job.
I don't really like it, but under those people, who consider humans who can wield divine power to be the chosen ones of the gods, and who give them special preferential treatment, even a penny-pinching cleric like me might be able to make enough to live on for a while.
It was a lighthearted thought. It was in that light-heartedness that I carelessly stumbled into the Holy See, a place I had not visited since my elevation to full priest. To assuage the lingering question of what good it does me to say this now, I will add a few words of regret.
I shouldn't have done it.
* * *