Eighteen months had passed since I resolved to distance myself from Fatty. Seeing him again now, he felt almost like a stranger. The once self-assured man I knew was gone, replaced by someone disheveled and despondent, as though he had just endured a profoundly unsatisfying and humiliating battle on an intimate front.
I remained silent, sitting calmly across from him, watching as he absently perused the menu.
After ordering, he looked up at me. His eyes flickered with unease, revealing a mind burdened with turmoil.
Still, I said nothing. Without understanding his state, I could offer no expression other than calm detachment.
Strangely, he didn't rush to speak. Instead, his gaze oscillated between me and the window before settling back on me. Then, unexpectedly, a faint smile appeared on his face—a smile that chilled me to the bone. Instinctively, I pulled my coat tighter around me.
I managed a smile in return, though I had no idea what I was smiling at. It felt vague, meaningless, and hollow.
"Yanyu, I never thought we'd share another meal under circumstances like these. Back then…"
"Let's not talk about 'back then,' shall we?" I interrupted, less than graciously. Truth be told, there wasn't much substance to our "back then." Just a few mundane moments: him waiting with me for Yunke in a drafty teahouse for hours, a handful of shared meals that satisfied little more than hunger and vanity, or that one occasion when he accompanied me to face my ex-husband on his wedding day, fancying himself triumphant. Then there was that visit to his lavish home, where he brewed exotic coffee that nearly scalded my tongue. Yes, these episodes summed up our "back then," and none of them amounted to much. Yet, despite their triviality, "back then" filled me with a vague sense of dread—particularly its final scene. That dread resurfaced now, igniting a fiery tingle on my tongue, as if I had taken a scorching sip of coffee.
Fatty didn't notice the complexity in my gaze. He was too consumed by his own troubles, much as I had once been consumed by my longing for Yunke in that chilly teahouse. He sighed deeply. "Fine, no more talk of 'back then.' But if only you had agreed to marry me back then—how different things could have been."
"You see? You're still bringing up the past, aren't you?" I replied, forcing a lightness into my tone. "Minister Jiang, I truly am grateful to you—for your misplaced affection, for your sincerity, and for all that you've done for me."
"It wasn't misplaced," he said softly. "Even now, I'd do for you what I did back then, willingly." His voice carried a tenderness that stirred faint echoes of our shared history.
I shook my head. "I believe many things in life are predestined: our meeting, the moments that touched me, and even the fact that no matter how we tried, we were meant to remain just friends. It was also predestined that we'd share this dinner tonight. As for what's fated to come, I don't know. But I do believe we'll always hold each other in some corner of our hearts, no matter how far time and distance take us, no matter how the world changes."
"Thank you, Yanyu," he said with palpable emotion, gripping my hand. I didn't pull away, knowing that in this moment, his touch carried only the warmth of friendship and nothing more.
When the dishes arrived, I noticed they were all my favorites. This gesture filled me with a quiet warmth. I had to admit, among the men who had come and gone in my life, Fatty remained one of the few whose affection endured.
He began to drink, abandoning his usual slow sips for aggressive gulps.
I didn't stop him, understanding that he was gathering the courage to bare his soul. Men often find it simple and natural to project strength before women, but exposing their vulnerabilities takes a rare kind of bravery. However, as a woman, I know one thing for certain: if a man reveals his weaknesses to you, he'll never see you as a lover. A man will always present his most formidable side to the woman he truly loves. Women, by contrast, reserve their tenderest fragility for the man they cherish most.
By the third glass, Fatty finally spoke. "Yanyu, do you know how miserable I've been?"
"It's evident," I replied. "Tell me, is there anything I can do to help?"
After you left, I felt as if I had suddenly lost my gravity. The sky was overcast with dark clouds, and the world became so narrow that it was suffocating. I frequently engaged in social engagements, getting drunk every day and falling asleep as soon as I got home in the dead of night. During that period, alcohol became my best friend as it could alleviate my pain and blur my consciousness. However, when I opened my eyes the next day and regained my consciousness, I would still think of you first. When thinking of you, I would be plunged into an endless despair. On the nights when I wasn't drunk, sometimes I would drive to your neighborhood and stay under your building for hours. I watched the light in your room and imagined what you were doing, feeling an impulse to rush upstairs to find you. But, I knew I was unworthy. I wasn't even worthy of being your ordinary friend. I stayed in the car, smoking one cigarette after another until you turned off the light and went to sleep. At that time, I despairingly realized that it seemed as if you and I were separated by life and death. You were living in the sunshine, while I was already lying in the tomb. Truly, there was nowhere to pour out my desolation, and only thousands of lines of tears were left.
Suddenly, the fat man blurted out such literarily embellished and misapplied sentences from Su Shi's elegy for his deceased wife. In the past, I would have burst into laughter. But at this moment, instead, I felt extremely sad and deeply indebted to the fat man.
I said, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you would be like this. I didn't know all this." But in my heart, I thought, "So what if I knew? Would I accept him and marry him just because I knew he was so pained and so infatuated? No. Love is not an object. It can't be used to repay a kindness."
Actually, I really don't deserve your affection like this. I'm just an ordinary woman, a woman who failed in managing a man and was also not successfully managed by a man. Minister Jiang, in front of you, I feel very ashamed, truly.
Yanyu, don't say that. You're not wrong. It's my fault. I don't deserve to love you. I deeply regret. How wonderful it would be if life could start over.
The events of yesterday have already become history. We still have a long way to go. The key is to live well in the present. I felt that my tone was a bit like that of a teacher talking to a student.
He didn't mind. He nodded and poured another glass of wine.
I said, "Brother Jiang, you'll be drunk if you drink more."
It would be better if I could get drunk. Sometimes, the more you want to be drunk, the more sober you are. But only the pain is clear, and other things are often blurred. I'm so blurred that I don't know how I got involved with Xiao Yu in a muddled way.
Xiao Yu? Muddled? What are you talking about? Are you already drunk?
I'm not drunk. I'm very sober. Yanyu, let me tell you. I'll tell you everything. I'll tell you all the details. Are you willing to listen? The fat man leaned close to me, and the smell of alcohol from his mouth was a bit choking.
I didn't speak. I didn't speak because I didn't know whether to listen or to refuse. My mind was also a bit confused for a while.
Xiao Yu is my nanny.
I know you have a nanny at home. I've heard you mention it. She seems to be a very nice person. It seems her name is Sister Liu. She's a laid - off female worker. You hired her actually to help her solve the difficulties in life.
I'm not talking about Sister Liu. It's Xiao Yu.
Oh, Sister Liu doesn't work in your home anymore?
Yes. Sister Liu wanted to open a snack bar with her husband. I lent her some capital, and she left. I don't know if you've been there. The snack bar she opened is called "Re - employed Snack Bar". The business is very good. It's even been in the newspaper. Many people are attracted to taste the special snacks in the store.
I've heard of it and also read the report. It's about Sister Liu bravely redesigning her life after being laid off and actively helping other laid - off female workers regain their confidence in life. It's quite touching. By the way, the unnamed hero who Sister Liu said has always supported her, that person is you, right?
Hehe. Actually, I didn't do much. She exaggerated. The fat man smiled indifferently.
For a while, I really didn't know whether to classify him as a good person or a bad person. Perhaps there is no such thing as a pure good person or a pure bad person in this world. A person's good and evil always coexist. Only in this way can we say that good and evil are within a single thought. Then, whether to let the evil thought overwhelm the good thought or let the good thought triumph over the evil thought depends on an individual's self - cultivation. Self - cultivation often determines a person's life outcome.
The fat man poured me a glass of orange juice and continued, "When Sister Liu left, she introduced Xiao Yu to me. She said Xiao Yu was a distant relative within the fifth degree of kinship of her husband in the countryside. She also said that the little girl was from a poor family, honest, dutiful and diligent. Of course, I believed Sister Liu, so I hired Xiao Yu. At first, Xiao Yu came to do a thorough cleaning at home twice a week as a part - time cleaner. At other times, she would go to Sister Liu's snack bar to work. Sister Liu said I didn't need to pay Xiao Yu. It was just like she came to do some cleaning incidentally. To be honest, actually, Sister Liu wanted to repay me. Of course, I disagreed. Sister Liu didn't insist either. She said it was just like saving some dowry for the little girl. Xiao Yu is very young, only twenty - one years old. As Sister Liu said, she is very diligent, and also very simple. She is very pretty and gentle, which made me feel at ease. At first, we hardly talked. Every time she finished cleaning, she would ask me, 'Sir, are you satisfied?' I said, 'Yes.' She would then say, 'Then I'm leaving. I'm going back to my cousin's shop, sir. If you have something, call my cousin and just tell me.' When she saw me nod, she would smile, looking very cute and gentle.
The fat man sighed when he said this.
I didn't interrupt, quietly waiting for the rest of the story, just like waiting for a movie with not too many surprises. But the fat man's next story couldn't really be without surprises. Then, my quietness could only mean that I didn't care about the fat man, at least not enough.
If this happened to Yunke, I would surely be so nervous that I could hardly breathe.
The fat man said that on a certain evening when Xiao Yu came to do the cleaning, I was extremely drunk, so drunk that my memory of that night was completely blank.
When I woke up the next morning, I found myself lying naked on the bed, and Xiao Yu, also completely naked, was sleeping soundly in my arms. I was petrified with shock and pushed her away in a panic, then rolled over and sat up.
I stammered, "You, you, why are you here?"
"Sir, you were drunk last night. You were really strong." Xiao Yu, who had been awakened, was surprisingly calm. She spoke while dressing herself calmly. After getting dressed neatly, she smiled at me, looking as relaxed as if we had just watched a movie together.
"I, I, I don't know. I, to you, I, you, the two of us..." Due to panic, I became stuttering when speaking.
Xiao Yu gave a charming smile and said, "Sir, you've seen it all. You know what happened between us."
"I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'm so sorry. I'm such a bastard! I'm a scoundrel!" I said, my mind in chaos.
"It's nothing, sir. Don't be like this. If you are, I'll feel really ashamed. You were drunk last night and didn't even know what you were doing. It's not your fault. Sir, don't blame yourself. I don't blame you, really." Xiao Yu walked closer to me. Her eyes were very clear, showing a rare innocence. I dodged, not daring to look her in the eye, and the sense of guilt flooded my heart even more intensely.
"I didn't go back to the shop last night. I don't know if my cousin will scold me."
With this casual remark from Xiao Yu, I was so startled that I cried out, "No, don't tell your cousin! I'll make it up to you. What do you want me to do? I'm sorry. I'm really a bastard!"
Xiao Yu ignored me and seemed a bit angry. She said, "You're so vulgar. You think of me as a vulgar person too. I should go back to my cousin's. I'll tell her that I went to a friend's house. Oh, by the way, sir, I forgot to tell you that you were calling 'Yanyu' all the time last night. What is 'Yanyu'? Is it a woman's name?"
The fat man paused here and gave me a somewhat shy smile. I let out a soft sigh. The fat man's persistence had exceeded my imagination.
"Have some water." I handed the teacup to the fat man. He took a few big gulps and continued, "At that time, with Xiao Yu's question, I felt a bit caught off guard. I nodded and then shook my head, and my mind became even more chaotic."
Xiao Yu smiled again and said, "Sir, actually, I think I was just being Yanyu for a while. Today, I'll be myself again. I'm Xiao Yu. Remember, it's Xiao Yu, the 'yu' in the story of Mr. Nanguo Blowing the Yu."
After that, Xiao Yu continued to come to clean the house on Wednesdays and Sundays every week. Sister Liu would, as usual, call me occasionally to ask about Xiao Yu's situation. It seemed as if nothing had happened, so calm that I thought it was just a dream I had.
Two weeks passed like this. I thought she had really forgiven me for my drunken mistake and didn't hold it against me. "It should be okay. It should be fine," I told myself, and my taut nerves gradually relaxed. For this, I was filled with both guilt and gratitude towards Xiao Yu.
On Sunday of the third week, after Xiao Yu finished the cleaning and was about to leave, she suddenly asked me, "Minister Jiang, could you please hire me as a nanny? I want to serve only you. Is that okay?"
"What do you mean?" My heart was a bit on edge, not sure what she was up to.
"That is to say, I don't want to serve dishes in my cousin's shop anymore. The environment there really doesn't suit me. It's too chaotic. I want to be your full - time nanny, have time to read books, and take the TV University entrance exam or something in the future. I won't charge you much. Just having enough to eat, a place to live, and a quiet environment for reading will be fine."
I really wanted to turn her down. However, her pitiful look made my heart soften. Besides, it was a good thing that she wanted to study. It was rare for a rural girl to be so ambitious. More importantly, I felt deeply guilty towards her. Although she didn't mention that night's incident again, her not mentioning it didn't mean that I could forget it or really pretend that nothing had happened. I agreed to her request, although I really didn't need a nanny and was even reluctant to let an outsider live in my house.
To be honest, Xiao Yu was quite conscientious as a nanny. She not only wiped the house until it was spotlessly clean with bright windows and shining furniture, but also cooked excellent meals. Therefore, I ate out less and less and gradually became dependent on the nutritious meals prepared by Xiao Yu.
Every day after dinner, Xiao Yu would accompany me to watch TV in the living room for a while and chat. Most of what she talked about were the things that happened when she was a child and some customs in her hometown. I listened with great interest every time, finding it all very fresh and interesting. When chatting about daily life, Xiao Yu always looked so cute that one couldn't help but feel affectionate towards her.
When I was tired and ready to go back to my room to rest, Xiao Yu would go back to her room to read books. She said she would start reviewing from junior high school textbooks and wondered if she would be too old by the time she could take the TV University entrance exam. I encouraged her, saying that with enough perseverance, an iron pestle can be ground into a needle. Besides, Xiao Yu was so smart that she was bound to succeed.
"Then sir, you must support me forever." Xiao Yu said.
I said, "Of course, forever!"
She then wanted to hook pinkies with me. When our fingers were hooked together and she said, "Hook our little fingers, and it won't change for a hundred years," I suddenly felt that I had regained the feeling of being young again. I was deeply moved, moved by life and also by youth.
Frankly speaking, I gradually got used to the days with Xiao Yu's company. If she had understood the principle that haste makes waste and hadn't been overeager and pushy later, perhaps one day, I might have developed a certain affection for her over time.
"Yanyu, don't misunderstand. The affection I'm talking about isn't love. After all, I'm much older than her. The affection I mean is the kind that a father has for his daughter. Of course, it's a bit embarrassing for me to say this, because the fact that we had slept together is already there. It's really inappropriate to call ourselves father and daughter after that. But I really felt that I liked this little girl a bit."
Unfortunately, the little girl was too impatient. When we got along very casually, as casually as if we were family, she started to borrow money from me for various reasons. Sometimes she said that her cousin was going to have a birthday and she didn't want the gift to be too shabby, so she needed money; sometimes she said that her younger brothers and sisters had to pay tuition fees and she had to figure out a way; sometimes she said that she was sick and needed to see a doctor but didn't have much money left on her.
In less than half a year, she had borrowed 100,000 yuan from me. Do you know what 100,000 yuan means to a rural girl? You can't imagine it, right? It was enough to turn her life upside down. And indeed it did. She started to care more about dressing up and eating and dressing well. The speed of her transformation was even faster than the update speed of a computer.
Occasionally when she asked me to borrow money, I would say, "Xiao Yu, be a bit more thrifty. You should learn to manage your finances." But guess what she said? She said, "Sir, I'm already very thrifty. Are you worried about your money or me? If you're worried about the money, then I'll shut up from now on." As she said this, her eyes turned red, looking so pitiful that I really didn't know what to do with her.
She knew I was soft - hearted and became even more reckless. When she told me again that her mother was sick and needed an operation and hoped I would lend her 100,000 yuan in one go, I finally lost my temper. I said, "Do you think I run a printing factory for banknotes?"
Who would have thought that she would turn on me, sneering, "Minister Jiang, don't think that just because I'm a rural girl I don't know anything. I'll tell you that I know very clearly that the power you hold is like banknotes. You can get as much as you want. It's even more convenient for you than running a printing factory for banknotes."
"You're talking nonsense! Do you think the government is mine and I can do whatever I want? I'm a public servant of the people. Do you understand what a public servant is?"
"Public servant? You mean the relationship between you and the government is like the relationship between me and you? Who are you kidding? For a single infrastructure project, as long as you sign your name, won't tens of thousands or even hundreds of thousands of banknotes flow into your bank account? You're reluctant to lend me this little money. Isn't that money also of the people? I'm also a member of the people, right? Isn't it reasonable for me to spend it? Besides, you have so much money that you can't even take it into the coffin. Even if you leave it to your son abroad, plus your grandson, plus your great - grandson, they won't be able to spend it all. It's not too much for me to help you spend some of it." She spoke with such confidence and fluency that it seemed as if I was the one who was in the wrong.
I was so enraged that I was rendered speechless. Gazing at her ruddy face, which was brimming with the radiance of youth, I suddenly felt that I no longer recognized this rural girl before me.
"Why are you looking at me like that? Is there something on my face or did I say something wrong?" She touched her own face, feigning an innocent look.
"You're quite right. Damn right you are! Xiao Yu, only today did I realize that I had truly underestimated you." I said.
"Why should you underestimate me? Because I'm a rural girl? Because I'm poor? Because I haven't had much schooling? Because I'm a nanny? Because nannies are considered menial servants? Because you're an official and I'm a commoner?" With each question she asked, she took a step closer to me, and I could sense her aggressiveness.
I slumped onto the sofa and let out a sigh, saying, "Xiao Yu, I really can't communicate with you anymore. How about this? I'll calculate an extra half-year's salary for you. You can go back to your cousin's shop. To be honest, I don't really need a nanny here. I hired Sister Liu initially to help her, and I took you in also because I wanted to assist you. But today, I find that my capabilities are truly limited. I can't help you any further. What you want, I simply can't afford to give."
"So you want to drive me away?"
"Don't put it like that. I'm truly grateful for your care all this time. You've also given me a lot of warmth and happiness here. However, all that is in the past. You'd better leave. I'm exhausted."
"You clearly want to drive me away! You're right. You should be grateful to me. Who could have taken care of you as attentively as I have? Who would be as loyal as I am? Who could have brought you as much happiness as I have? Can you just brush it all aside like it never happened? Do you have any conscience?"
"Xiao Yu, I'm not as capable as you might think. I'm telling the truth. During this period, you've already taken a lot from me. I'll give you another fifty thousand yuan. Let's consider it settled. From now on, we'll have no more entanglements. I hope we can part on good terms. I also don't want Sister Liu to know about these matters."
"Fifty thousand yuan? Don't you dare dream about it! Do you think fifty thousand yuan can buy my virginity? You're really calculating too shrewdly!" Xiao Yu said with absolute determination.
I had always been afraid that she would bring up that night's incident. It had always been my Achilles' heel. For such a long time, she had never mentioned it. I had even naively thought that she had selective amnesia and truly forgotten about it. Unexpectedly, at this crucial moment, she threw it out as her trump card without the slightest hesitation. I felt as if I were seeing my own indictment, and I was instantly thrown into chaos.
I could only continue to negotiate with her. I asked, "So, what do you want to do?"
"If you're reluctant to lend me money or are afraid that I'll keep pestering you to borrow money endlessly, I have a good idea. Do you want to hear it?" Her mysterious look made me feel uneasy.
"Tell me."
"You asked to hear it. I'm going to say it then."
"So much nonsense! Just say it!"
"I think the best way is for you to marry me. Anyway, you've been single for so many years. It's about time you found a companion. As for me, I don't have a boyfriend. Although I can't claim to be a ravishing beauty, I'm still rather pretty, right? The key point is that I'm young and I don't mind your age. I'm willing to serve you wholeheartedly for the rest of my life."
"Are you out of your mind? Marry you? Impossible!" My head was about to explode upon hearing this.
"Why is it impossible? Could it be that you have someone you like? Is it that woman called Yanyu? But why have I never seen her come to visit you? What's so good about a woman who pays no attention to you? Is she really worth your constant thoughts?"
"Whether I have someone I like is none of your business. But I can repeat that it's impossible for me to marry you!"
"Old Jiang, I'm telling you that nothing is impossible in this world!" Her fierce look was truly terrifying.
I said, "I'm tired. I need to rest. Tomorrow, you can take the money and leave."
"I've changed my mind now. I don't want the money anymore. I only want you. I want to be the mistress of this place. Old Jiang, don't forget that you've already had sex with me. If you don't marry me, I can accuse you of rape!" She stormed up to me, looking unrelenting.
"Xiao Yu, you should know that I'm the kind of person who hates being threatened and intimidated the most. I've seen all kinds of people. Rape you? What a joke! Who saw it? Who would believe it?" At that moment, I also changed my expression and my tone became tough.
"Don't believe it? I still have the evidence. Wait, I'll show you my evidence. Let's see what you have to say then." With that, she ran into her bedroom and soon came out with a towel, pointing at the spots on it and saying, "This is what you left that night. Have a good look, Old Jiang."
I felt a chill run down my spine and was momentarily speechless.
She laughed triumphantly and said, "So, you'd better marry me." Then she added gently, "I'll love you for the rest of my life and serve you wholeheartedly. Believe me, Minister Jiang. Haven't we been getting along quite harmoniously all this time? Haven't we been happy together? You also said that you were becoming more and more attached to this home, that you didn't like the glamorous but insincere world outside anymore, that you only felt like a real person at home. Don't you want to continue this happy life with me?"
She spoke more and more sweetly, more and more tenderly, but I only felt cold and terrified. I rudely interrupted her passionate speech and said, "Xiao Yu, stop daydreaming! If you want to sue me, go ahead! If I had really raped you, would I have let you keep the evidence? Only an idiot would believe you."
After hearing what I said, the smile on her face froze, but within less than two seconds, she smiled again and said, "I'm telling you, Old Jiang, you really don't have a say in this today. I don't know if it's because you're getting old and your memory is failing, but how could you just leave such an important notebook lying around? Don't say I don't think of you. I was worried that you might accidentally lose it someday, so I took pictures of it all for you. Minister Jiang, actually, you should thank yourself. If you hadn't lent me the money, how could I have afforded that digital camera? You must have no idea. I was afraid that an ordinary camera wouldn't take clear enough pictures, so I bought a five-thousand-plus-yuan one. Five thousand plus yuan! Just think about how many nice things I could have bought for myself. Yes, I got the money from you. Because of that, you always said I was too greedy. What was that saying again? Ah, it's 'the human heart is never satisfied, like a snake trying to swallow an elephant'! But, in all fairness, isn't it still you that I have in my heart? For you, I even went to study photography for half a month. Do you think I liked learning that stuff? Do you think I had a great time learning it? Do you know how hard I studied? Also, I learned cooking, I learned makeup, and I learned yoga. All of these cost money, time, and energy. For you, how much thought have I put in? How many brain cells have I killed? Do you know? Heaven and earth bear witness. Just think about it. In this world, who else would be as infatuated as I am? Just for the sake of how much I think of you and how much I'm willing to endure for you, it's only right that you marry me. Am I wrong?" As she was speaking, she even started to cry, as if she had really suffered so many grievances.
At this point, the fat man paused, a tinge of sadness clouding his eyes.
I remained silent, my mind drifting to the notebook of the Fatty, a sense of unease stirring in my chest.
The Fatty took a sip of his drink and said, "Yan Yu, you're a good woman. I know you've seen that notebook, and I understand why you suddenly distanced yourself from me. Had it not been for that revelation, I would never have let you slip away."
I choked on my soup, coughing violently, the tears spilling from my eyes as I used them to mask my inner turmoil.
Fatty handed me a tissue, sighing before continuing, "I think, at that moment, you were so flustered that when you returned the notebook to the shelf, you accidentally mixed up my markings."
A cold shiver ran down my spine. Fatty was truly a man of acute attention to detail. Perhaps those who play with fire must hone such sharp 'senses,' or else they risk burning themselves.
He didn't seem to notice my discomfort and pressed on, "Yan Yu, I know, even though you're too afraid to draw near me now, you still care about my reputation. You don't want to see me fall into disgrace. That's why you're silent. Maybe, that's one of the reasons why I can never forget you."
I drank some water, gulping it down as though I were desperately thirsty.
"Xiao Yu is using this against me, and it drives me crazy. I regret ever taking her in. I shouldn't have allowed an outsider to stay in my home," he muttered, his face twisted in frustration, taking on a slightly comical expression.
"Why not consider her suggestion?" I asked.
"What suggestion?"
"She suggested marrying her. If you marry her and become a family, everything would be resolved. I know it's not a great idea, but I can't think of a better one right now."
"But, Yan Yu, a woman like that—so calculating, so greedy—how can I take her as my wife? Could I truly barter my marriage? Could I share a bed with a woman who holds my weak spot in her hands?"
I couldn't help but sigh. "So, what do you plan to do?"
"I don't know. Just drag it out for now."
"Or, I think, you should turn yourself in, confess and seek leniency. It's the most thorough solution." Strangely, uttering those words felt more difficult than suggesting that Fatty marry Xiao Yu.
"No! You have no idea how many people would be involved! It's not just a bomb; it's a chain of bombs—do you understand?" Fatty dismissed my suggestion without hesitation.
"But does that mean you're safe if you don't trigger it? Will everything be fine? It's still a hidden danger, like a malignant tumor in the body—if not removed early, it will spread, and by then, it'll be too late."
"You think removing it now will save me? Yan Yu, I'm too deep in this. I'm beyond saving. Right now, I'm just dragging on, day by day. When I die, whether it explodes or spreads, it won't matter to me anymore."
"It won't matter to you? What about your son?"
"My son? Don't worry. I've made up my mind. He'll never return. I've already arranged for him to stay in the States. I bought him a house and set aside some money. Once he finishes his studies, whether he starts a business or invests in property, as long as he doesn't mess up, he'll have enough for a carefree life. Yan Yu, once I realized I was on an irreversible path, I planned everything. Here in China, all I have left is that house and car. My stocks and savings are nearly gone. To be honest, if you had agreed to marry me, I would have immediately gone through the immigration process and taken you far away from here for a peaceful life."
I had to admit, Fatty had indeed planned his life carefully, with thorough foresight. Yet, what I couldn't understand was how such a steady man could be so undone by greed. Is the lure of money truly so overpowering?
I was perplexed, unsure of what to say.
Fatty, seeing my silence, looked uncertain. "Yan Yu, I think, maybe, if you're willing, could you talk to Xiao Yu and find out what she wants? If she agrees to leave and keep everything a secret, I'll try my best to meet her demands. I think women understand each other better, and with your background in education, you might be more skilled in handling this kind of situation."
I didn't know whether this idea had just occurred to him or if he had planned it all along, but regardless, I had to admit, he was remarkably resourceful when it came to saving himself.
However, acknowledging his resourcefulness was one thing, but whether I could help him was another. I paused and said, "You want me to talk to her? Why me? We don't even know each other. You could talk to her cousin; she might help you."
"No! If her cousin knows about the notebook, things will only get worse. The fewer people who know, the better. Honestly, if you hadn't already known about the notebook, no matter how much I trusted you, no matter how much I needed to confide, to discuss strategies, to seek help, I would never have dared approach you. But now that you know, I have no choice." Fatty's words were firm, showing no concern for how they might affect me.
It turned out, apart from himself, Fatty trusted no one—not even those he loved deeply. Perhaps this was a necessity for living on a tightrope, or a weapon of sorts, much like a successful assassin must possess a cold heart.