The deaths of Fatty and Xiao Yu once dampened my enthusiasm for love and even affected my passion for life. Although Fatty's death was due to the absence of love and Xiao Yu's death also stemmed from the lack of true love, they had, in the name of love, engaged in a certain kind of transaction. It could be said that they had betrayed the most sacred emotion between men and women for their respective interests.
Of course, I couldn't blame Fatty. With his Achilles' heel of life being held by others, he had no choice but to submit. However, in the end, he still respected love. Thus, he didn't hesitate to choose destruction. He defended his loyalty to love with the most costly price of death. In this sense, as a man, Fatty was still worthy of my respect.
Respectable as he was, keeping the secret of Fatty's death alone still gave me an overwhelming sense of heaviness and oppression. Initially, I was extremely eager to find someone to confide in, with the aim of sharing the burden. But after careful consideration, I realized that it was inappropriate to tell anyone. Moreover, Fatty surely wouldn't have wanted a third person to know the secret of his death.
One evening after dinner, I was taking a stroll in the neighborhood. When crossing the small bridge by the lake, I sensitively sensed that someone was following me. Since it was within the neighborhood, there was nothing to be afraid of. So, I quickly turned around and saw that, indeed, a woman was following me.
Probably not expecting me to turn around suddenly, the woman was stunned for a moment. Then she greeted me quite gracefully.
"Is it Ms. Yanyu?" The woman's voice was a bit hoarse, as if she had a cold.
"Yes, I'm Yanyu. And who might you be?" I turned to face the woman.
The woman was dressed in a black dress. Under the dim streetlight, her desolate expression made her look like a specter.
"I'm a friend of Minister Jiang's."
"Minister Jiang? Which Minister Jiang?" My mind didn't catch on for a moment.
"It's Minister Fatty. I'm Xina."
"Oh, I know you. Hello." I extended my hand to the woman. To my surprise, she rushed forward to hold my hand and started crying without restraint.
I embraced her and said, "Don't hold it in. Cry if you want to."
The woman immediately burst into loud sobs. Soon, her face with light makeup was smeared by tears. I handed her a tissue, and she wiped her face messily, making it even dirtier.
After she calmed down, we found a bench and sat down.
"I know he didn't die of an accident. He definitely didn't die of an accident. He must have been in great pain, with no way out." Old maid Xina was speaking incoherently.
I remained silent, just looking at her in astonishment.
"Yanyu, tell me, he didn't die of an accident, right? I know he loved you. He must have told you how helpless he was, right?"
I nodded and then shook my head.
"Why didn't you help him? You could have helped him. You absolutely could have helped him. Why didn't you save him? How could you just watch him walk into despair, watch him head towards destruction?" Xina got excited and shook me vigorously, making me dizzy.
I didn't know how to answer her. In front of her, I felt an inexpressible sense of guilt. At that moment, I really felt like a butcher.
Xina let go of me, held her head, and started crying again. While crying, she said, "Having worked with him for so many years, I knew him too well. How could he love that little nanny? She must have grasped his weak point. He didn't want to surrender but couldn't save himself either. So, he had to choose death."
Hearing her say this, I almost told her the truth. But when the words were on the tip of my tongue, I forced myself to swallow them back. It was better not to let her know. She might be even more heartbroken if she knew.
"I shouldn't have left him in the first place. If I had always stuck to my love for him and stayed by his side, he wouldn't have come to this." Xina grabbed her hair, looking as if she were in unbearable pain.
I embraced her and said, "Don't be like this. How can you blame yourself? His life is his own responsibility. No one can control it. No one can be his savior."
"No, I shouldn't have left him. Actually, when I married and moved to Singapore, I wasn't happy at all. I still couldn't let go of him in my heart. So, I got divorced. But I didn't dare to return to China. I was afraid of being laughed at. Yanyu, I'm just a vain person. That night, Fatty rejected me. So, I felt my self-esteem was greatly hurt. I married abroad out of spite. Now I realize that loving someone, even if you can't have that person, being able to see him often and feel his breath is also a kind of happiness. I only understand this now, but it's already too late."
So, the incident that night wasn't fabricated by busybodies but was a real event. I couldn't help but reexamine the woman in front of me. She wasn't exactly beautiful. Her facial features weren't very delicate, and her figure was a bit too plump. But she had an air about her, a melancholic and resolute air.
I sighed and said, "Perhaps some things are fated, like fate and destiny."
"You believe in fate?"
"How should I put it? Accepting fate is sometimes a survival skill. Actually, accepting fate is even more difficult than not accepting it. Speaking of these, I naturally thought of Yun Ke, his wife, and the insurmountable obstacles between Yun Ke and me. Should I also accept my fate?"
"Accept fate? How can I accept fate? Yanyu, with Fatty gone, my heart is dead. How can I accept fate?"
"It's not that serious. With Fatty gone, you still have your relatives, your career. Life isn't just about love."
She shook her head, her face pale, without a trace of vitality.
"What are your plans?"
"I sneaked back to China this time. I just wanted to see Fatty, see his final resting place. I'll still go back to Singapore. I don't dare to stay here. This place is full of Fatty's shadows, full of his presence. I'm afraid that if I stay too long, I'll break down and might even follow him."
"Don't think like that. Life goes on. Maybe life won't be as perfect as we imagine, but it definitely won't be as bad as we imagine either. Keep the past in your heart. Only then can you start a new life." I didn't know whether I was saying this to Xina or to myself.
"I'll give it a try."
When we parted, we hugged tightly and bade each other farewell.
Watching Xina disappear into the night of the city, my heart was filled with long-lasting grief.