*Ana*
By the time we return, I am thoroughly exhausted, and barely have the strength to move. I simply rest my head against the side of the bath, as the cold water laps against my frame. It does me good, cooling me, from the outside at least. But I can not completely escape it, even now feeling heavy humid air hangover us both.
But still, it is much better to be inside now, as it is high noon. A time of day, otherwise known as Nochten's most dangerous time. Dangerous because its heat has been known to kill the most hardy of man, being the hottest part of the day.
"Hah," I groan, gently sloshing more cold water to my chest and limbs. It's cold relief the only weapon I can afford against the invasive heat.
I'm glad I went in when I did. I reflect, feeling how sore my body is, especially around my thighs. Half of me wonders if it is because I was too stubborn for a saddle. Would it have spared me this pain? Perhaps. But it doesn't matter now.
I only want to focus on the bath, and then, prepare for the customary afternoon nap. A Nochten custom, to combat the heat, for both sexes, during the hotter months. It makes it easier to hide from the sun. Even the servants will rest till it cooled. Leaving the entire palace still and quiet.
And a wonderful time to think, I've learned, a chance for me to visit my thoughts uninterrupted.
No Aunt or Uncle to talk to. I move to slosh my water in thought. And no Mykhol to burst in, unannounced, and to do what he wanted.
Beyond me, from the cracked window, a crane coos as the insects buzz. Their drone is the loudest thing in the otherwise quiet. The sound, a common welcome, gives me peace, letting me slip down. Dipping my arms first, then my chest, and last till my head is completely immersed under the cold water.
I hold myself under for a count of 5 before up again with a gasp of air.
"Naska?" I rub my eyes "The sheet, now." I call, still rubbing, until I can see Naska, stepping forward. Herself, dressed in just a thin undergown, the outfit to combat heat at this time of day.
"Here," Naska holds up the cotton wrap, stepping up. Her exposed belly shows the faded stretch marks, acting as my reminder.
"Has your son gotten over his cold?"I prompt, getting out of the water. Naska helps me stand, her hands deftly moving to start drying my limpbs.
"He has, your Empress."She takes a moment as in thought, before answering.
Naska carefully tends to my hair now, doing her best not to rub it as it'd tend to puff out if she did. So Naska carefully wraps the hair up. Naska then leaves to fetch what is the afternoon gown. It's a simple thing, not meant to be seen by others, just to nap in. And I lift my arms, so Naska can start to pull it on.
"I'm glad to hear that." I continue, "For a moment I was worried." I add a short smile. But the smile fades as Naska makes no reaction. The distance is still there between us, after all the years. Naska making no effort to be closer.
Rather, it feels more like we both stay in our resigned roles. I note quietly. Just servant and master. Neither closer to the other.
I suppose it would be too much to ask for more. It's a grace she hasn't quit like so many others. So I count that as a blessing. And, things are not all bad.
If anything, motherhood has softened Naska. I have seen the change in her over these 5 years. Motherhood makes her a bit more patient, even a touch subdued.
Or maybe it's because I chose to keep her after everything. Despite the sudden pregnancy, I did not turn Naska away as was expected. Rather, I insisted on keeping her, going against even my Aunt and Uncle's expectations.
Which was no small task, I remember. I had to sit through much talk from both of them. But despite them, and the taboo, I was firm. Naska was to stay. And when she had her child, I would ensure it was taken care of.
It's no justice to punish the child for the mother's actions. The babe did nothing to anyone. Instead, I want to see him have a good life. And in doing so, keep Naska in the palace.
Perhaps this is why Naska's more complacent. I check back with Naska to see working on the buttons of the gown. Her pale red eyes focused as sweat lightly formed on her hairline.
"When he's better," I go again after a moment watching her. " bring him along. I'd like to see him again."
"See him?" Naska pauses for a moment, the idea curling in her head. "You want to?" an expression pulls on her face, as if shocked. And then it's gone.
"I will, your Empress." Naska stands up to inspect the dress. "I will bring him." As she sees nothing wrong, she turns to pick up the towel, seeming ready to depart. But I find myself wanting to speak more.
"Does he take after his father now?" I ask with a careful eye on her face, looking for any clue, any hint of who it could be. But like always, Naska hides it. Instead, she huffs with a turn.
"Shall I prepare the bed now?"
"No," I answer, nursing my disappointment. Another failure, it seems. "I'll take the lounge,"
But I will figure it out one of these days. I walk through the adjoining hall, stepping back into my room, And when I do, I climb over to my favorite spot at the window. I'll have him take responsibility. It was only fitting, considering how I see Naska exhausted.
Raising a child alone is too much. Some divine judgment needs to intervene. If not for Naska, let it be for the boy.
No need to let him suffer, too. The idea of him growing up without a parent does not sit well with me, No, because I know that pain all too well.
"Naska, the wrap." I take my seat, seeing Naska move, "And bring the shawl."
"Your Empress." Naska returned to hand over both, the shawl instantly setting me at ease as soon as I touch it. I can feel my eyelids grow heavy.
But I don't want to sleep just yet. In this rare hour, when we are alone together, no Aunt Funda, and no Mykhol, I feel my chance better. And I try.
"Naska," I make for her hand, "I can help, you know. All you need do is tell me who the father is." I search her eyes, trying to convey my sincerity. "Then, I can make him pay."
"Pay?"For a moment, Naska does pause. Considering my words. But just as quickly, it's over.
"You've offered this before." Naska folds the wet cloth up. Her eyes turn over my hair with another unreadable expression before turning. "What could you even do?"
"What, you say?" I furrow my brows at her question. I am Empress. I have the power to do anything. If she would just tell me, I could.
"I could have them marry you for a start." I go on, "Bruno would be legitimate then."
"Could you?" Naska muses for a moment before softly laughing. "And what'd make you do such a nice thing like that for me?"
"It's not for you." I say, "It's for Bruno." and look up at the window. "I don't want him to know what it's like to have no father." No one should.
I grow quiet, feeling the weight of my exhaustion find me again. My eyelids droop until they close, slipping into the lounge, my head resting on the cushion. It's the heat and bad memories that make me weary.
"I wish it were so easy,"
"What?" I crack open an eye to find her still standing. But another expression is on her face, and her eyes look wet. "Naska, what is,"
"I need to grab hair oil, your Empress." Naska abruptly turns and shoves off. She goes through but I don't hear her close the door. Probably meant to come back quickly, I assume.
"Naska?" I ask as a breeze flies in, shifting the shawl from my lap. I turn back to it to trace the gold trim with a finger. Maddie's shawl is still as beautiful as the day I first received it.
Almost like new. I slide back into the lounge chair, as the memories find me. Maddie's face flickering behind my eyes.
But it is not of that terrible day. No, it is the better one. Where Maddie is smiling, her bangs almost blocking out her eyes, but the gaze of warmth and care is still there. I can still see it. How affectionate they looked.
How much of that was just an act? And how much wasn't it? I wish I knew.
I wish, but wishing will get me nothing. I know, and force her image away and close my eyes. My body fell further into the lounge. It's exhausting to think of anything right now. So I don't. I close my eyes and drift.
*Naska*
Naska returned through the door, a slight sheen of sweat on her brow, already wanting to peel off what little clothing she had. It was always so damn annoying that she had to wait on Ana before she could retire. Wanting nothing more for herself to get out and go to where she really wanted.
"Your Empress, I'm," Naska's words trailed off as she stopped halfway, her head finally lifting to find Ana, laid out on the lounge, her eyes closed and breathing deeply.
She's asleep. Naska couldn't help but smile.
"About time," Without pause, Naska turned back. She eagerly followed the path she wanted to take. Letting the door close with a soft click behind her.
*Ana*
"Hmm?" The sound is enough to make me flinch up. "Naska?"Is she back with the hair oil, already?
"Naska, oh-" I turn but quickly move back to catch my shawl from slipping off. The idea of it touching the floor bothers me.
But as I save it, I find it sparks a funny memory.
"Y'know, the old maid, before you," I start, wanting to share. "She used hair oil on salad once." I then laugh. Even after so long, I can still see how Maddie's face crunched up at the taste.
"Wasn't that just silly?" I continue laughing, "Isn't it?" I turn to check back with her but only find an empty room.
"Naska?" I call but it's clear no one is here. It is only me.
The door must have closed on its own. I realize. After a moment, I lower my eyes slowly and turn back, sliding further down. I pull the shawl up over my head and curl myself up into a small ball. Underneath the red cloth, I still find that lingering scent. The smell of Maddie.
Her soap. I can name it, but it's faint. Time wearing it out. Making it all the more desperate that I strive to remember it.
Because one day, it will be gone. Just like everything. Gone. All gone.
"It's fine." I force a breath, fighting against the urge that's always there. "They were going to stop one of these days." I know and hug my knees before it starts.
I shake and tremble as I fight the urge again. It feels so stifling hot under the shawl, but it's the only thing I have. It is the only place that still feels safe. Otherwise, there is nothing. And now there is no one.
"I knew this was going to happen," I try but I can't fight it anymore. The tears are coming out. And I can't make them stop.
"Nicoli," I swallow air, in shaky breaths, just trying to breathe through it. But it's hard. And I am just too tired to pull it all back in.
"Nicoli," I whimper again, softly, but it's not like I have any reason to. No one will hear me. No one ever does.
And my voice, my loneliness, is easily lost, drowned out by the sound of the buzzing insects.