*Ana*
"Cousin, must we be doing this now?" I break the silence at last. Manure baking in the hot Nochten sun is not something anyone wants to endure. And I have tried my best to hold myself in place, not for my sake, but for Mykhol's. He is abdomen that we are out here.
As much as I'd like nothing better than to go back inside. I go on and test my hand. But of course, it will not budge. It is firmly wedged between the crook of Mykhol's arm. And more, Mykhol darts a gaze down every time I do.
"Have somewhere to be dear cousin?" Mykhol asks but I flinch. He knows very well I don't. And it's all the more to make me grow quiet again.
I'll bear with it for now. This is the only conclusion. And I have one saving grace to distract me. I can hear the horse master leading up a new horse. Usually, I would enjoy meeting the new horses. But not today, today it is too hot and not my idea. This is all Mykhol's doing. And I am just being pulled along.
I feel like I'm some tag-along. I note with a strange sense of deja vu.
I can't help but sigh quietly as the sun continues to beat down on both of us. It's still morning, but the sun doesn't know that. It only grows hotter and I can feel myself begin to sweat underneath the shawl.
My hair will be a mess. I frown. And that will mean needing to wash it. A process I can only dread. Suppose Naska were just a touch gentler about it. But that might be too much to ask for.
Maddie was so gentle and patient. I recall I never had problems with her. And she knew how to braid. And she never made faces when she touched my hair.
Maddie was overall much nicer about many things. When I think about it. But thinking about her only makes it hard to breathe. So I try not to.
"You really should smile more." Mykhol's voice brings me back. He's looking at the horse coming up, but I know he must have been watching. He always seems to be.
"It looks like you're here against your will." He remarks. "I thought you would love to see the horses?"
"You never asked what I was planning." I counter." I may have had something important to do this morning."
"Something else to do?" Mykhol gently huffs a laugh. "Don't lie. If I left you alone, you wouldn't leave your room."
"That…would be my business." I can only retort. Mykhol only shakes his head and looks down at me. I see his hair was carefully combed back to show his golden earrings. He has now up to three.
"And then I'll have people say you've died in your room because they never see you." Mykhol jokes. " I'll have to correct them and say my cousin is a recluse. A bad one, too. One who doesn't want to talk to her subjects."
"I…it's not that I don't want to talk." I defend with a look to the horse. "I want to do my role as Empress correctly. I want to make sure I know and study."
"Aye, but humor me." Mykhol softens a smile, "Maybe I get lonely without you."
"Lonely?" I repeat and want to laugh."Such a liar. I know how you are well-liked by everyone in the palace. I can't think of a time when someone wasn't trying to get your attention."
"So you've noticed?" Mykhol lifts his head in a smile "Then, you should be honored."
"Should I?" I throw back to which Mykhol grows quiet.
"Enjoy the horses with me." His voice comes softer now." I know you like them."
"I do." I admit "But you really should ask next time."
"Hmm, I guess I was just excited to spend time with you, today. "Mykhol goes and moves to cup his fingers under my chin to lift my face.
"You know, you have a beautiful smile."His face grows even softer as he looks over me, lingering over my lips," With your lips so full, I-"
"Pay attention to the horses, cousin." I gently brush off his hand. "We shouldn't waste the horse masters' time. He shouldn't suffer this heat, too."
"Ah, my apologies." Mykhol stiffens a moment with his hand up. But then he smiles again. "I was distracted." Mykhol finally looks back as the horse master demonstrates the new mare.
"After her, we have a full black stallion." The horse master goes. After a moment, Mykhol huffs softly before leaning in.
"Are you enjoying our little date?"
"Date?" I look back to see Mykhol smile incredulously.
He's playing me. I realize and shake my head.
"This is not a date." I go, shifting back to the new horse approaching."We are inspecting horses. That's it."
"Oh, is that so?" Mykhol bows as if apologizing, but I see his smirk. It frustrates me.
"You say such odd things. When will you tire of it?" Like calling this a date. I shake my head. "I am. So stop."
"If you were any other girl, I'd have you blush at the idea." Mykhol voiced. "But then," Mykhol seems to take a moment. His tone relaxed. "You are nothing like them, are you?"
"Like what?" I am only half listening to him as the horse has stolen my attention. It is a beautiful beast. The best so far.
Mykhol leans in again.
"What would be a date to you?" Mykhol asks. "Or do you still not think of such things, dear little cousin?" He then, as if annoyed by something, blows directly into my ear.
"Stop that!" I reel back and pull my hand free. I take my chance and step apart from him, covering my ear. I do not like when he does this strange thing.
But Mykhol, meanwhile, shrugs before smiling. Not at all moved by my glare. Or he doesn't care.
"Will your Empress like to give the horse a try?" The horse master, oblivious, makes his way. He stops so I can have a better look at the horse.
"The horses' name?" I ask.
"Big Ben, Your Empress." The horse master replies before offering to saddle him. "It should only take a moment to go to the stable and find a saddle." So the horse master is saying, but the idea of waiting sours my mood.
Not in this heat. I don't want to wait any longer. I can feel more sweat dripping down my back.
"No." I go instead, "I'll ride him as is."
"Your Empress?" The horse master is startled. "No saddle? What about your robes-" He points to the traditional Nochten gown. But it doesn't phase me.
"It will be fine. It's just us." I take up the reigns and pull myself up. I climb up to straddle it. My skirt bunched up above the knees.
"I don't need a saddle." I sit straight. My pale thighs slightly burn in the heat of the sun. But again, it doesn't phase me. "See?" I look down triumphantly at them both
"Oh my," The horse master drops his face, utterly lost. He turns to Mykhol as if to get guidance. But Mykhol only shrugs before giving a soft laugh.
"This is not lady-like, Ana." Mykhol laughs. But his gaze is anything but disapproving. Instead, they seem to take in the sight of my bare legs with a strange expression.
"Of course not, Cousin." I return. "I am not a lady. I am Empress,"
"Indeed," Mykhol looks up for a long moment before sighing. His face seems to resign itself and turns to the horse master.
"What can you do with such an unruly child?" Mykhol shrugs.
"I thought noble ladies were taught better etiquette." The housemaster nods with understanding and drops his shoulder, defeated.
"Empresses don't apply, I suppose," Mykhol smirks back at me. "We are just subjects."
"You are," I return to see the horse master relent and step away. I wait for him to let go of the reigns. When he does, I waste no time.
I take off with a rush of wind. It lifts my shawl and I relish in it. It's the coolest I've been all morning. I make to move faster to get more relief. But the relief doesn't last when I notice them. I forgot about the stable.
I forgot about them. I sink a little on a horse. And sure enough, I can see them turn to whisper to each other. As they do the little triumphant smile I have shrinks.
More gossip tonight. I can already predict. But what will it be this time? The Empress scantly dressed? Being childish? No matter what I do, there always seems to be more gossip. It's just so frustrating.
And never anything good I've done. I sigh suddenly tired. I just want to enjoy the ride, at least.
"Go about your work," I motion to them to return to their tasks. They jump and move to do just that. But I don't need to check to know they still glance up when given a chance.
It makes me sigh again.
They're the ones who keep staring, though. But wasn't that always the case? I've grown used to it, over the years, but it's never made it more comfortable.
Whether it's to see me or catch my silver hair, they can't seem to realize how they gawk. I force on a straight face. It helps make things more bearable. But again, I wish they just stop it all.
"That'll be the day," I whisper and pull in the reins. I turn to head back toward Mykhol. As I do, my thoughts drift.
Another week and no letter. I reflect, watching the horse's feet. He moves like clockwork. So did Nicoli's letters. Every week another would come; weeks that would turn into months into years of the same.
"Maybe it has come to an end?"As all good things do. I know and try to keep from being bitter. It is a blessing he's written all this time so far.
I should be grateful for that much. I try as my smile drops with a tender feeling in my chest. It's a small spot in the center that aches. It aches when I think of Maddie, and it aches when I think of Nicoli or Father. And it never quite stops.
I can only breathe and wait for it to pass.
"I can't be greedy." I knew this would happen.
But still, I wish it could just go on a little longer. If it could, if I just had a little more time, it could be a little easier. It's the not knowing that's the worst of it. It makes things harder to accept. Or, rather, how I don't accept things as they were.
I don't want to move on. Not yet. I feel the spot in her chest hurt again. But what could I do?
Nicoli might have moved on. I can see it sensible he does. It's been years of one-sided letters coming from him. Of course, he'd grow bored at some point.
Nicoli should stop. I reason. I want him to move on. He should, after all, there's no reason to keep bothering with the likes of me.
Yes, I want him to move on with his life and be happy. And Nicoli should be. He should be happy. He deserves to be.
Whereas with me, I- But what about me? It's a question that sticks in the back of my mind. And it's one I'm afraid to answer.
What about me?