A full year went by. Castiel and I are just friends. We went out on a couple of dates, added each other on every social media platform, and talked daily. However, Castiel was a busy buddy. The "he could be a model" thing that I said to myself during the first meeting was a reality. The man is actually a model. I was not wrong. His career got in the way, he said, that he wanted to be in a fully committed relationship but couldn't risk losing promotions and deals. But that we could stay in touch and be friends till he gets right on the path toward a "stable career". I knew then that I should not have continued staying in touch knowing that the path of this relationship was uncertain. The uncertainty of whether he had picked me. But I couldn't stop myself. The conversations and the time spent together meant something to me, and forgetting and moving on actually pains me. And it shouldn't.
Ping.
A message from Castiel asking how my day was going and what I was up to today.
"Can you send me 15 for my lunch, princess?" Jacob read my message as he snatched my phone out of my hand. I sighed and reached for my phone. Missing each time.
"Jacob! My PHONE NOW, please." I yelled enough to startle him. He handed back my phone. I went back to my station. I glared at him.
"Don't be mad, but why is your model boyfriend asking for money again?" he said as I handed him his caramel latte. He took a sip, and I knew what was coming next.
If he's a model how come he isn't famous yet?
"If he's a model how come he isn't famous yet?"
"I mean, no offense A, but isn't this C guy just stringing you along? Like A, you are smarter than this."
"Look we are friends. I buy your meals too, and you don't complain about it?" I said turning my back as I cleaned the donut rack. Making sure every piece of sugar was off the baskets, before closing. Jacob is usually the last customer of the day before I close.
"A… we have a system. No look at me." He exclaimed as he slammed his coffee cup slightly on the table.
"You buy me, I buy you. I don't just take and take."
"What are you trying to say, Jacob"
"That you are being a dummy A. He asks you for money almost every single week and ever since you guys became umm friends it's like he takes but doesn't give back. You guys don't even hang out."
I felt a tingle of pain in my heart. I haven't seen Castiel in a month, we only talk via text and we don't call.
"Maybe you're right, I need to have boundaries. I just like him so much Jacob it's not even funny. It's honestly heartbreaking because I kept waiting."
I keep waiting for the hope that he will notice I am the one standing right next to him as he accomplishes his goals. But I can't wait and just hope that our friendship blossoms into a love story.
Ping.
Hey, are you okay? It's been an hour and I haven't heard from you.
I looked down at my phone. Staring right at his message. He confuses me.
Last month, he kissed me. It was the end of the day and we were saying goodbye when he leaned in and kissed me. I thought this was it. But after that kiss, we never spoke about it, and then came the word friend.
"You're my best friend, Ares. I really appreciate that you have stuck by me throughout this year. I couldn't have done it without you," he said then, kissing my cheek and holding my hand.
Then comes the sweet messages.
"You make me happy, never leave me."
"I can't do this without you."
"I hope we find each other in every universe that exists."
Like; how the hell am I supposed to take this? Like a friend?....
"Actually, A, yes treat him like a friend."
I broke from my thoughts. Making eye contact with Jacob, I let out a sigh so long I thought I was going to pass out.
"You're right."
Jacob walked home with me, and by the time we reached my house, I was exhausted not just physically but mentally. I haven't been keeping true to my boundaries all because of some feeling of hope. There is no hope for me, I'm just chasing after someone who's chasing a dream and there is nothing wrong with that. I just have to learn how to let go of the hope and learn to love him as a friend rather than my could-be something. This conversation is surely going to hurt. I just don't think I have ever felt what I felt with Castiel, and we've only ever hung out. The feeling is different, I just love his everything, I love that he listens to me, and when I need someone to talk he's always there with some form of advice. And every time I look at him my worries, fears, and running thoughts all go poof. My mind is like a storm, there is no telling what type of disaster is left, but Castiel calms that storm. My mind and heart are a mess.
I scroll through Facebook, trying to get my mind off Castiel. However, the universe is never on my side. My heart dropped.
"Castiel Anderson is now in a relationship with Jamie Hernandez."
I stared at my screen, unable to even form a word. I'm just stuck. Tears formed in the outer corners of my eyes, and soon a teardrop fell onto my phone. My phone screen turned completely blurry at my sight. Crying is truly the only thing that will ease me... There is nothing more heartbreaking than thinking you might be the one and only to come running in second place. What was I thinking….
I'm the only one to blame for my feelings. He said he wanted to be my friend I broke out crying. But my stubborn self could not let go of the feelings and memories. I was not the one for him and never was. I was just a friend.
"I wish he never talked to me that day at the park" I mumbled to myself, knowing that I led myself on to believe in something that was not there.
Ping.
Hey Ares, I still haven't heard from you. Now I'm concerned about you. You've never gone this long without texting me.
Wiping the tears from my eyes and snorting back my very nasty mucus. I wiped my phone with my shirt. I wanted to ask about her. Where did you meet? I thought you wanted to focus on your career. And why lead me on?
But did he lead me on or did I make all this up in my head?
"Sorry, I have been busy. I am okay." I said as I typed back. I didn't know what to say or what to do. But I can't stay friends with a man I like this much. Seeing him with her hurts so much I feel like throwing up every time I think about it. And for the past hour or so that is all that I have been imagining in my mind. I cannot get her out of my mind. She is beautiful, her hair is dyed wine-cherry red, and her hazel eyes and dimples make her look like a goddess. I can see why he would…
Ouch, how is my favorite person feeling today? I'm sorry it's been such a busy day for you beautiful. I hope your night gets better.
Augh. I hate men.
Just stop falling for it.
But.
No buts.
I internally fought myself, because I simply cannot comprehend what is happening.
"Casteil, I know this might not be the right thing to say over a text. But I think we should stop our friendship now. I don't think I can be your friend anymore. Anyway, I hope you understand. Good luck with your modeling gigs." I typed, immediately seen by him. I could see the three bubbles appearing and disappearing as he typed.
God, why is this so nerve-racking? I'm sweating like I just ran a mile, with weights on my back. I need to put my foot down and respect the relationship.
I'll see you tomorrow after work, love.
No Casteil, you wont. Let's leave our friendship behind and move forward.
I said I will see you tomorrow after work.
Casteil…We have to let go.
Goodnight beautiful, I can't wait to see you tomorrow.
I'm deeply shocked and confused. Did he just reject my friendship breakup?