Quickly I took a screenshot and texted my best friend, Malissa. Malissa and I have known each other longer than I have Jacob. Malissa is my childhood friend, we have gone through thick and thin. Fought, got back together, and broke up again. Our relationship, you could say, is hot and cold. However, I would die for that girl. Malissa and I haven't spoken in a year, and before any thoughts get crossed. We broke up because she left me stranded in our city's downtown. All because I refused to speak about Castiel. I'm not usually a private person, at least not with my friends. But Casteil is different for me. I didn't want to introduce him and have to then deal with friends asking me:
So what happened with that guy Castiel?
After that, it doesn't work out. Could you imagine the mess I would have been? Especially with my delusions.
I couldn't forgive Malissa for leaving me stranded after I had just told her I was broke and I could NOT go out. But, Ms. Malissa, said I got you, girl, we're sisters. I said mockingly in Malissa's voice.
We were not in fact sisters after, but least to say I have gotten over it, and to me she's still a sister.
Ping.
Ares get off my phone line. Malissa texted back.
Ping
So you just brake up with all your friends?
So dramatic, let's give her 5 seconds before I get a call.
1…2…3…4…5…
Lo and behold. There she was calling me. One thing about Malissa is she loves hearing gossip, and she would not pass to know who I was breaking up with. Although I wouldn't quite call it a break-up. I was just trying to leave the man alone to protect my feelings and to respect another woman. I quickly snapped out of my thoughts and answered the call.
"So who is that?" she asked annoyingly, with a hint of desperation dying to know. Milissa and I spent two hours talking, crying, screaming, and forgiving each other for things that were done and said. And I think I needed to get it out of my system. I just don't understand the signs. I explained to Malissa that to me this feeling was different, something was stopping me from moving forward, not only that my heart hurt. It's all strange to me, I never felt this feeling before. I don't know how to face him. I want it all to stop. I want him to pick me…
I spent all night beating myself up. Wondering if I could have something, or if I am just a second choice. For now, I am not a choice.
You don't look like your regular self.
I looked up as I handed a regular their coffee.
"Nonsense Jimmy, this is me," I said, wiping the table around me, making sure everything was cleaned.
"Well, it looks like you have something on your mind, and stop staring at the door, you're going to burn a hole through it."
I sighed. As I watched my regular walk out sipping their coffee. Maybe this is what Castiel meant when he said I was an open book. I had been waiting for hours since the start of my shift for Castiel to walk through the door with that dumb beautiful smile that he has. However, it's been hours and I am two hours away from closing.
"Hey!" Malissa walked through the door. Excited, I went out to hug her. Surprisingly, having her at work made many of my thoughts disappear, and without thinking, it was closing time.
"So what, he said all these things because?" she said, waiting for me to find an excuse for the previous text messages sent from Castiel.
"I don't know." I sighed deeply, to the point that I thought I had run out of air. I had been feeling devastated. Every time I go online, all I see is Castiel in her comments and pictures, and also messages. The thoughts all hurt.
"Give it up, A…" Malissa spoke quietly, usually would I hear her loud obnoxious self, but this time I felt her compassion. She stood up and silently hugged me.
Ping!
Come over, I bought pizza!
I looked at Malissa and sighed.
"Let's go home, Ares. You can stay at my place." I nodded getting back to closing the shop. I shed a few tears, not because the person I liked was in a relationship, but because I fell in love with hope. I had been hopeful since the day I had met him that I'd be the one he'd pick and love, but that's just not the case. I closed up, not yet prepared to respond to him. I really have to let go.
I slept over at Malissas and all I could think was how bad my heart hurt, for falling into my own delusions. I have never felt what I have with anyone else, and this foreign feeling confuses me, scares me, and at the same time excites me. I just don't understand. Why? Why couldn't he have told me he was looking elsewhere?
Two weeks went by. I stayed to myself, giving Castiel any and every excuse. I felt uncomfortable knowing I had feelings for him and felt it was inappropriate to butt in knowing that Castiel once looked at me with similar eyes. I continued to stay busy, making sure that my grades did not slip. The first year went great, these semesters though I have been slipping. Somehow staying to myself made me lose interest in everything else, and to seek revenge as Malissa calls it I have been parting with her left and right. I'm surprised my mother has yet to say anything. But I am sure she's given up on quite a few things.
"Malissa, I love you. But I seriously can not do another party. I feel like I am physically dying. I had to come to work hungover. And Jimmy please stay away from the hand sanitizer!"
"I'm a paying customer, Ares." My regular left they toasted their drink up in the air. My customers tend to be quite dramatic.
I gagged as the smell of used put-on hand sanitizer stayed in the air. Malissa looked at me and laughed hysterically, saying that she could not believe I was dying. This may not be new to her but is sure new to me. I drank some water in hopes that all the drinks I had stayed with me this morning. I spent all day hungover and hoping the shop would not ring. I ended the shift feeling completely fine, and out I was again. Truthfully, spending time with Melissa has helped me slowly get over Castiel, but also get some of my confidence. I had been experimenting with new looks at every party I went to. Feels like liberating me. Not only that, the number of guys has also grown.
Tonight was no different than any other night.
Ping!
Hey A, I missed you!
Ping!
You are the only one I feel comfortable asking, but can you lend me $200? I'm behind on rent..
As spiteful as I wanted to be. I instead was a maniac and sent him $200 without hesitation.
Thank you! So much A, you don't know how much I love you right now.
No Castiel, you don't know how much I like you.
I refused to reply after being hurt. I could not fall into the same patterns. I got ready for the party ignoring my every thought of opening those messages. I snapped a picture for my socials not thinking of anything, till Casteil sent a private reply to one of my posted pictures. "You look ravishing, I wish I could have you right in my bed." It wasn't the first time he'd slipped comments like that, usually, I'd pass on the comment and reply awkwardly, but this time it felt different.
"Here's a shot," Massila said as she stood in front of me with a shot glass filled to the rim. Once the bitter, and numbing medicine went down I looked at Malissa with glistening eyes.
"Go fuck him, A!"
"Malissa, what the actual fuck!" I yelled as I burst into an attack of giggles. I felt so giddy.