It's Louis' twenty-second birthday, I've spent the whole day trying to persuade Louis to spend his birthday indoors instead of going to a house party like he planned, and it hasn't worked.

Almost all afternoon, Louis and I were going back and forth arguing about the party. Our argument seemed to go on forever until I caved in and promised Louis we'd attend the house party together. In the moment, it seemed like a good idea until I realized how out of place I'd feel being there but since it's Louis' birthday, I can't go back on my word. For now Louis is distracted, hopefully he changes his mind about the party and we don't go anywhere, fingers crossed.

It's Friday night, we are sitting on a long dark grey comfy couch in Louis' living room trying to figure out what to watch on Netflix.  "What about 2oth century girl?" I suggest, excitedly looking at Louis for approval.

"Sure," Louis shrugs, clearly disinterested completely bored out of his mind.

Each time I bring up suggestions asking Louis what show or movie he wants to watch he doesn't care, he simply shrugs his shoulders looking off in the distance, unbothered and utterly unconcerned. Louis has never been into Kdramas but he isn't acting like his usual self.

It's weird, normally Louis would be really excited especially since it's his birthday, but today he isn't, his brows are knit together in thought and his usual playful smile is drawn into a hard line across his face.

It's very unlike him.

Louis' done all the things he loves to do on his birthday; blow out candles on his birthday cake for breakfast, unwrap all the birthday gifts his mum lavishly spoils him with, and drink white wine while eating home made chicken Alfredo for lunch. Louis should be happy, ecstatic, but he isn't, and with every hour that passes by the

less Louis is behaving like his usual self, he is completely out of it.

I wonder what's bothering him?

Concerned, I snap my fingers in Louis' face and he blinks, breaking out of his trance. Tilting my head, I stare at Louis closely taking in his features, "Lou, what are you thinking about?" I question, trying to figure out what's been on his mind.

"Nothing," he says emotionlessly.

I stare at him more, drawing closer to him. "Hmm really?"

"Yes, it's nothing."

"Really?"

"Yeah I'm fine."

"Tell me," I demand playfully, poking Louis on his chest repeatedly until he quits being so serious and flashes me a cute heart-warming smile.

"It's nothing you need to worry about Maya," Louis says reassuringly but I'm still skeptic.

Unconvinced, I look at Louis in disbelief not believing his words. "Do you miss New York?"

I watch Louis as he ponders what I said, his blue eyes becoming serious, "I used to."

"What changed?"

Louis pauses for a long while, thinking hard. He turns his head to face me, ready to speak but then his iPhone makes a loud ping sound interrupting our conversation. He picks up his phone reading the text and as he glances at the time, a look of pure panic etches across his face. Hurriedly, Louis picks up his black denim jacket from the couch and stands up, getting ready to leave. "We have to get going or we're going to be late to Poppy's party."

"I don't feel like going," I reply, sinking into the grey couch, hoping maybe it will swallow me and I won't have to go anywhere, a house party is not exactly my ideal Friday night. "Why can't we just stay home?"

Frustrated, Louis runs a hand through his dark annoyingly perfect tousled hair, frowning. "Maya you promised." he reminds me, giving me a pointed look.

I look at Louis sheepishly, feeling guilty. "I know..." In the moment it seemed like a really good idea, but not anymore.

"Trust me you're gonna have fun." Louis says in that gentle voice of his trying to persuade me.

"Can we do something else?" I whine.

Louis gives me a puppy dog look and I feel myself giving in. Ugh, why are his eyes so pretty? letting out a pained groan, I agree. "Fine." I mutter.

Louis flashes me a cute heart melting smile and I can't help but mirror it. Who knows maybe I'll have fun, besides, this is my only chance to go out while my mum is out of town. Standing up to get ready, I walk towards the full length mirror located at the corner of the living room and taking a good look at myself before I head out. There's not much to do so I tie my thin black braids up into a high ponytail and powder my light brown skin. Once I put on some cherry lip balm, Louis picks up his car keys off the coffee table and we step out of the house ready to go.

Following Louis, we on the sidewalk that leads to the driveway and I enter the passengers side of his black range rover strapping myself in.

Louis ignites the engine and the car engine roars to life, he quickly drives out of the open large iron gates and exits his home, as we're heading out, Miguel's 'Sure thing' plays on the radio.

It's a bit of a long drive to get to the party, however, after passing through dozens of houses and trees, we finally arrive at Poppy's éclat residence and make our way inside.

Poppy's house is a huge two story house with large arched windows that flawlessly capture the beauty of the trees and flowers outside. It's homey yet designed with the least imagination, it's the kind of house anyone would dream of growing up in; spacious, warm and cozy with neutral colours everywhere. As I assess Poppy's house, I see a couple of girls trying to catch Louis' attention but as usual he is unfazed by all of them, almost like he can't see them.

Instinctively, Louis takes my hand in his and we walk around looking for a less crowded spot. We walk around the first floor of the two story house till we stop in our tracks, standing right in the center of the party, which is shockingly the least crowded part of the house. Ecstatic to be at my first house party, I stare at everything and everyone in awe. The vibe of this party is amazing! I soak in the laughter, the smiles, the carefree energy swirling all around us.

On cue Louis and I glance up and our eyes land on a pretty blonde girl, she has long wavy hair  parted in the middle, falling around her perfect oval face. She stands at the top of the stairwell smiling down at her party guests, the hostess of the party, Poppy Collins.

Poppy descends down the staircase clad in a rose gold sequin mini dress with a slit at her right thigh, paired with lace up heels to match, looking like a Barbie doll. Suddenly, I feel extremely self-conscious, I wish I dressed hot rather than settling for my flowery red dress paired with flats, compared to her and every girl here I look so plain, everyone here is dressed so stylish. As soon as Poppy's heels reach the ground floor she makes her way towards us, flashing a dazzling smile at Louis, her pretty blue eyes never straying from his.

"Hi Louis," Poppy greets sweetly, eyeing Louis with warmth. She finally notices me standing next to Louis and turns her head to face Louis, confused and visibly upset, "I didn't know you were bringing someone." Her tone is light but I can feel the anger in words.

I want to speak but before I get a chance to say anything Louis steps in, answering on my behalf, his blue eyes gaze at Poppy kindly, reassuringly. "I invited her, it's not a problem. Right?" Louis suave persuading voice causes Poppy to falter and I see her caving in.

Louis' signature ever-so-charming smile is the icing on the cake that melts Poppy's frosty demeanor, one look at his pretty face and he's got her wrapped around his finger. Changing her tune, Poppy turns her head to face me, a pleasant smile etched on her pretty face, like she's okay with me being here, completely different from her initial reaction. "No, of course not. You're welcome here." she says kindly.

Feeling awkward, I smile politely at Poppy, but I can't help feeling uncomfortable.

Poppy's perfectly penciled brow's shoot up, like she's just realized something interesting from our short exchange. "Anyway we'll catch up later, bye Louis." Poppy waves flirtatiously, she blows Louis a kiss goodbye before spinning on her heels to greet her guests.

As soon as Poppy's out of sight, the looks we've been receiving ever since we got here intensify. Louis and I have had eyes on us the entire time and to be honest, it's really nerve wracking and super uncomfortable. The curious glances in our direction are less than subtle, let me put it plainly, the reason why every girl here keeps staring at us is because they're all eyeing Louis with hearts in their eyes. I don't blame them for being so awestruck Louis has that kind of effect on everyone because he's gorgeous, he is the right mix of beautiful yet utterly masculine. Louis' whole being has a way of drawing you in it's almost impossible to not feel attracted to him.

It's kind of like his super power.

I have no trouble admitting it because it's true, he's tall with dark hair and beautiful ocean blue eyes that you could drown in, literally every girl he meets seems gets lost in his eyes . If it were up to me, Louis and I wouldn't be here right now, if I had it my way we'd be at his house watching a movie. Alas, being his best friend I have to fulfil his twenty second-birthday wish, and Louis' wish is that he gets to break my alcohol and party virginity, weird I know, his words not mine.

Ignoring all the looks in our direction, we make our way past happy dancing bodies and head to the kitchen, various food, snacks and liquor are layed out on the marble countertop. This is all new to me and I'm somewhat clueless.

Timid and out of place, I stand awkwardly not knowing what to do. Louis on the other hand is happier than ever, he grabs a shot glass for himself and sets my shot glass right in front of me. Louis drums his fingers on the marble countertop and soon stops the beat, pointing at my shot glass, "The moment is here your first taste of alcohol, are you ready?" Louis questions dramatically, talking like a  charismatic host of an evening game night show.

I giggle at his theatrics, "Yes."

Beaming with pride, Louis lifts his shot glass, raising a toast. "To us!" he says, grinning from ear to ear.

"To us!" I cheer, clinking our glasses. Quickly, I down my tequila and feel it burn my throat on the way down soon after, biting a slice of lime.

"How was it?" Louis asks, his blue eyes are alive and full of excitement.

I give a dainty shrug, "It's okay." If I'm being honest I was more excited by the idea of it than the flavour.

Knowing I wont get another opportunity like this, I get another shot glass from the tray and drink it, just as I'm about to grab another glass Louis stops me. "Woah, woah, woah Maya I think you've had enough." he warns me, taking the glass from me.

I huff. "I want more."

"Maybe later come." Louis takes my hand in his leading me to a group of guys standing close by introducing me to his friends, they're all pretty chill and we make pleasant small talk. For most of the party, Louis and I are laughing loudly as we spend time with his friends and some very friendly party goers, playing beer pong, charades and getting to know each other, it's actually really fun.

After hours of mingling and games, Louis pulls me away isolating me from his friends. For a long while, Louis and I stand in a corner talking, laughing and teasing each other. We are completely and utterly immersed in the feeling of being in each other's company, almost oblivious to the loud music and chatter blasting all around us. Ever since me and Louis met we've easily clicked but today I really feel like we're connecting, I'm seeing a side of him I never get to see, a side I've never really known.

The night wears down and gradually time flies from minutes to hours. I admit it, I'm having a lot of fun, more fun than I ever thought I'd ever have, I can't stop smiling. This night is one of the best nights I've ever had in my entire life! I can't remember the last time I was this happy and smiled so much. Louis is enjoying himself enormously and keeps hopping from one topic to another, his conversations are all over the place, from talking about rock music in the 2000's, mostly The calling to talking about how he loves cheese on fries. In the middle of telling Louis I'm a shy dancer Louis leans closer to me, talking in my ear. "No one will pay attention if you dance right now. They're all too high or drunk, it's the perfect opportunity to dance because no one is really paying attention."

"What?"

"Dance with me?" Louis suggests. Reluctantly, I nod my head, following Louis. Holding my hand firmly in his hand, Louis leads me to the center of the makeshift dance floor in the living room filled with happy dancing bodies. I start dancing, swaying my hips from side to side, dancing to the music. I don't know what's in the air but I feel alive, maybe it's the alcohol or maybe it's Stormzy's 'own it' blasting through the speakers but I relish in the euphoric feeling running through my veins. As the bass thumps I move in sync with the beat dancing like there's no one watching, and for the first time in forever, I feel free.

As I'm dancing, Louis gets close to me and pulls me closer to him. Suddenly everything around me starts to slow down and disappear, nothing around me matters except the feeling of Louis' hands on my waist holding me like I'm his and his mine. I'm in a daze, high on endorphin and blissfully unaware of my surroundings. I've been close to Louis but never like this, this feels different, this feels special.

Intimate.

Louis cups my face in the palm of his hand and my breath falters. Slowly, he leans in to kiss me, gently pressing his soft lips onto mine. It takes me a couple of seconds to react but I find myself kissing him back. I pull Louis close to me draping my arms around his neck deepening our kiss. My eyes are closed tightly savouring every moment that his lips are on mine, stars sitting on my tongue with every touch of his tongue. It's as if my entire being has been waiting for this exact moment, Louis' lips are soft and fit perfectly against mine, it feels like a dream but it's not, this is real life, Louis is actually kissing me!

I've fantasized about this scenario in my head more times than I can count, curious to know what it would be like to kiss Louis, to feel his lips on mine. This kiss is better than anything I could have imagined, anything I could have dreamed up. I lace my fingers through his dark hair, every second Louis' lips are on mine fireworks soar through my body exploding out of me, this is what drugs must feel like. Louis continues to kiss me softly and then more urgently, as if he's been denying himself for the longest time, kissing me with every fibre of his being like the taste of me isn't enough, laced with need. Something about Louis' lips on mine feels right, natural.

Finally, after what seems like forever Louis pulls back, his beautiful blue eyes boring into mine, he inhales deeply trying to catch his breath. "I've always wanted to do that." he breathes.

I'm mesmerized by the way Louis is gazing into my eyes and the feel of his wonderfully sculpted arms. He leans down pressing his forehead against mine, breathing on me. "You're so beautiful Maya." he whispers softly, "So perfect." Louis' heart is beating wildly in his chest, mirroring mine perfectly, we gaze at each other, spellbound.

My hand drifts up to Louis' neck and I trace his jawline, gazing into his beautiful blue eyes. So this is what it's like to kiss Louis, to be this close to him. I can't believe I get to touch him like this, that I got to kiss him. I bury my face in Louis' chest and inhale his cologne basking in the feeling of him.

Content because of him.

Suddenly, the reality of our kiss slowly starts to sink in, in a matter of seconds the tight grip of reality unwinds the sweet moment we made literally minutes ago. Louis carefully releases his hold on me, slowly letting go of me. He takes a step back shaking his head in regret, pausing. I wait for him to say something, anything, cautious of what his next words will be.

"I-I I shouldn't have done that," Louis says quietly, regrettably. He squeezes his eyes shut for a few seconds as if it will erase what just happened. When he opens his eyes to look at me, his blue eyes hold an emotion I can't quite make out, something unreadable. I start to worry about what it means for us.

What it means for our friendship.

I see it in his eyes deep regret. It's finally sunk in.

What happens now? where does our friendship lie? Best friends don't kiss and we just kissed!

Louis takes another step back but this time it's to walk away from me. I want to follow him, I want to tell him it's okay that I don't mind but my feet wont move, I feel powerless, drained. All I have the strength to do is watch him leave and disappear into the crowd until he is out of sight. The minute Louis is out of sight, there's a huge weight in my chest anchoring me down replacing the fullness of love I felt moments ago. Why did Louis kiss me in the first place if kissing me was a such a huge mistake?

My chest starts to ache. I try to suppress my pain but the sting in my chest is too heavy to ignore, quickly, tears begin to well up in my eyes, threatening to spill out. "No, no, no not here, I can't cry here." I chant to myself, blinking back tears but a couple of tears manage to slip out as I step away from the makeshift dance floor.

I want to go home. I want to curl up in my blankets and pretend that this night never happened but I can't do that because Louis is my ride, I just have to wait for Louis until he comes back.

Sad and uncomfortable, I try to distract myself by concentrating on something else and start looking around, everyone but me is having a lot of fun. Unable to hide my frown, I sit on a couch numb with misery.

I shouldn't have come here.

What a stupid mistake.

For the longest time I sit with my thoughts questioning what I did wrong, revisiting my anguish, torturing myself with theories of why Louis kissed me and then ditched me. I hate that I'm an over thinker and that I'm over thinking every single thing to it's core, this is such a straightforward thing but since I'm me, I'll overthink and analyze it more than I need to. The feeling of dismay goes on and on for a long while.

Eventually, I get sick of being in my feelings and pull myself out of my thoughts. Striding to the kitchen, I pour the closest alcohol I find into a red plastic cup. Before I drink it, I take a long pause and stare at the liquid in my cup, skeptic. This is stupid and completely out of character of me, the only reason I even drank anything tonight is because Louis was watching me, I wasn't alone, it was just to get a taste of adulthood I've never really known, a side of adulthood that isn't me. I don't drink alcohol and I shouldn't drink it especially when I have no one watching me, but with the way I'm feeling I need a drink. I need something to take the pain away.

Not wanting to spend another second sober, my desperation to feel better overrides my moral compass and I take a sip of the strange liquid. Wincing at the taste, I ease myself into it and when I feel like I can handle it, I drink more and more hoping that whatever is in this cup will numb my pain.