June shouldn't have come but she had missed church and her few visits had always went well. The mass was out of the question but she found herself enjoying the quiet hours even more.
Father Henry was kind and though he still tried to push her to the confessional, singing about God's mercy to those who repented, he never chased her out.
This place is more meant for sinners than for anyone else.
She swallowed down the unintentional insult, knowing fully well nobody would ever believe her and time for proving her innocence had long passed anyway.
She was praying on her knees, telling God about everything that had happened since her last visit and thanking him for his blessings when a shadow fell over her.
« Get out, » the voice trembled with fury.
It was a voice she would have recognised anywhere, a voice that still haunted her at night, begging the jury to sentence her to death. A voice that had thrown the worst insults her way, that had threatened her of the worst torture.
And yet it was the one voice she could never resent.
A mother's voice.
« Mrs Benson, » Father Henry rushed over, his face an awkward grimace showing his struggle between the compassion he felt for the regular member of his community and his duty as a priest.
« She has no right to be here, » Mrs Benson's blue eyes glared down at her, the white of her eyes turning red with anger and resentment. Her daughter had had those very same eyes. « That she is still alive is already enough of an insult to my Kelly. »
June stood up on shaky legs and lowered her head.
« Get that murderer out of here ! »
At seventeen, standing in front of a court who was accusing her of murder, she had hated that woman with every fiber of her being. Resented her so much.
The Bensons were wealthy and respected, they had ties to many politicians and her lawyer clearly explained early on why she had no chance of being tried as a minor against them.
After carrying her children, learning to love them with everything she was, giving birth to them… She forgave them.
Not every parent loved their child, her own hadn't, but she firmly believed they were glitches, something had gone wrong in the process and robbed them of the precious love a mother inherently felt to the being she created in her womb.
The second she felt the first kick, she understood exactly the nature of the Benson's resentment.
Their daughter had been savagely murdered and everything pointed to her.
« Please, Miss Dylan, » Father Henry sent her a pleading look but he didn't need to. June quickly left on her own.
She was still shaken up when Julian showed up that night. Thomas was with him as it had almost become common occurence for him to tag along on Fridays. She had gotten a lot better at managing her reaction to him but this time, it all felt too raw.
—
Thomas was slowly working his way under June's defenses. He was slowly getting her used to his presence before moving on to the next part : making her fall back for him.
But one of the guys who were put in charge of her protection today warned him that he had seen Mrs Benson go into the church while June was still inside and June run out in tears a few minutes later.
So he understood her weird behavior, but it still fucking hurt when he Realized she couldn't seem to meet his eyes tonight.
« You're ok ? » he asked her while Julian popped into his room to change.
« Yes, » June put as much distance as possible between them and started taking stuff out from the fridge. Her eyes were unfocused and when she had almost emptied her fridge, he walked over. She startled and tensed but he couldn't leave her. Not now.
« What happened ? » He started putting everything back in while she fidgeted next to him. He waited patiently until she started talking.
« Father Henry has aged, » she remarked. « He was much better looking in the past. »
« That's what a woman's absence does to you, » Thomas turned to look her in the eyes but she was staring at something far ahead.
« Hm, » she nodded absentmindedly. « You're lucky you found such a great woman. »
« About Mary- » Thomas frowned but his son decided to barge in right at this moment and June shook herself out of her thoughts.
Julian pushed his father out of the way and let himself fall playfully on top of his mother's shoulder. June's mood immediately lit up and Thomas who had just been fighting the urge to throw his son out, now thought about buying him the bike he was going on and on about lately.
—
He slid his hands between her thighs and she moaned as he expertly worked her open. He knew her body by heart and played her like an instrument, pulling all the right strings.
« Please ! » She moaned when he pulled out just as she was about to reach her climax.
« Not yet, » he smirked against her temple before kissing his way down to her breast. « You're so beautiful. »
June moaned and arched up into his mouth.
« I love you, » she confessed brokenly when his head reached the triangle of curls she still felt self-conscious about.
There had never been a better sight than the blinding smile he sent her before burying his face between her thighs.
June gasped awake, going lightheaded as she sat up too fast. She turned in panic to make sure her son's bedroom was closed before hiding her head in her hands in shame. She couldn't be dreaming about that.
This was a curse. The way she loved this man was the burden she had to carry in life but it had become so much more manageable after spending seventeen years apart.
He would never go away, he had etched his very essence into her soul and she would forever love him but she had worked too hard on herself to ever allow herself to fall back in love with him again.
Those dreams were remnants of the past, some memories that sometimes lured out of the dark corner of her subconscious to haunt her. It wasn't a problem, she was used to them, she'd wake up and wave them away, go over all the ways it had been wrong to love him, remind herself she didn't know how to love properly... She was so used to it that she easily made herself stop thinking about it.
Until Julian's team's barbecue.
She had known, of course, she had known. Thomas was incredibly handsome, he was kind and smart and even rich now. She wasn't stupid, she had known he had been in relationships since then. But she hadn't thought about the fact that he was in one right now. And to see the beautiful woman he shared his life with, to hear her speak about their intimate moments… She hadn't known to prepare herself for that.
And her mind mixed up everything since then. During the day it was manageable, but at night, when she was at her most vulnerable, those dreams came back with a vengeance. Their frequency picked up and their intensity got to something she could barely bear. It was even worse since she had finally started to feel at ease around Thomas, if he ever found out, worse if her son ever heard something… She couldn't bear to think about the consequences.
She got up and went out, the cold air would help clear out her thoughts. Old Joe was already up, or rather he hadn't gone to sleep yet.
« Have trouble sleeping October ? » He raised an arm up to invite her over and she slid under the familiar blanket. They had done it so often back when she was a little girl and her mother threw her out to entertain clients.
The smell of tobacco and maple syrup still stuck to the fabric and she smiled thinking about those people who looked at Old Joe and thought he was dirty whereas he was one of the cleanest people she knew and though he lived in a trailer park and let it rot outside, one would be hard pressed to find a speck of dust inside his own house. Something he kept from his late father, a soldier through and through.
« You never came to visit, » June whispered in the cold morning air as she rested her head on his shoulder.
« I couldn't, » he answered as softly. Both unwilling to disturb the peaceful silence of the early hours. « I couldn't see you in there. »
« You were the only one who sent me packages, » she smiled in remembrance.
« Did you get to keep them ? »
« Nope, » she chuckled. « I had mean roommates. »
Old Joe didn't find any humor in her answer and kept his eyes on his bottle of cheap tequila.
« Did you do it ? » He asked after a while.
He had never asked.
He had only showed up for the first day of the judgement and never set foot in the tribunal again but she would never forget his tear-streaked face.
Old Joe was the father she never had. He braided her hair for school and cleaned her clothes. She didn't spend everyday with him but she never went a week without eating over at his table at least once. He taught her how to ride a bike and how to fix the leaky sink.
He didn't stop her mother from hitting her and never called authorities when she was thrown out at night, but foster homes could have been a lot worse. He didn't share his every meals and he didn't speak in her defense when everyone else accused her. He was far from perfect and was still fighting his own demons at seventy-three. But he was the person who had done the most for her in her whole life and she'd forever love him for that.
« No, » she answered honestly, feeling a bit lighter at having him hear the truth from her mouth.
—
Lizzy glared at her whistling brother who was filling the fridge with the groceries they had bought for tonight.
« Remind me why do you have to do it here again ? » She turned to glare at her father who was focused on the list his son had sent him of movies he wanted to show his mom. He was filtering it after she had almost vomited last time.
« Because we've got a home theater, » Julian grinned at his sulky twin and even leaned over to ruffle her hair much to her indignation.
« You're sure you don't want to watch it with us ? » Thomas asked his pouting daughter.
« Certain, » Lizzy scoffed. « Ma is coming to pick me up soon. »
« Why aren't you going over yourself ? » Julian frowned and turned to get started on the sandwiches he had planned for tonight.
« Is there a problem with your car ? » Thomas was as confused as his son.
« Chill guys ! » Lizzy laughed. « A friend of hers is tagging along and she's driving. »
« Mrs Graham ? » Julian asked and his father made a grimace. The old lady had been his grandmother's best friend for as long as he could remember but he still couldn't get used to her incessant chattering and grabby hands.
« You'll see, » Lizzy grinned mischievously as the doorbell rung then.
Thomas knew his daughter enough to notice something was off about her smile. He should have guessed it when he heard Mary loudly greet her in the hallway.
« No fucking way, » Julian cursed and he and his father exchanged an annoyed look before quickly making their way to the front door.
« What is this shit ? » Thomas crossed his arms and glared at the teacher who wore a ridiculously short dress.
« Language, » Ma chastised him but still went up on her toes to kiss his cheeks.
« Ma, » Thomas sent her a warning look and she had the decency to look a bit guilty.
« We're just coming to pick Liz up, » Mary cut in, her fiery red lips stretched into a pleased smile.
« Where are you bringing her dressed like that ? » Julian glared as hard as his father.
« Hey Julian, » she tried to smile at him but it wavered under his furious expression. « Nowhere sinful I promise. »
« Don't forget I'm here, » Ma sighed and patted Thomas on the cheek.
« Well, bye guys, » Lizzy beamed and threw the door open.
Of course, June was standing there.
« Oh, you're here, » Mary remarked and leaned against the doorway as if she had any right over this place.
« Good evening, » June greeted timidly, staring at Mary with wide impressed eyes. Thomas hated it. She was so much better than the vulgar leech.
« Why is she here ? » Ma loudly asked, trying for a disinterested tone.
« Hey mom, » Julian smiled and pulled his mother in by the hand, forcing Mary out of the way with his broad shoulders.
« I'm sorry, maybe we should reschedule if you have- » She frowned looking back between Mary, Lizzy and Julian.
« Nonsense, » Thomas firmly stopped her.
« I'm Mary, » the bitch had the nerve to introduce herself and sent a friendly, meaningful smile to Thomas imitating an imaginary closeness between them.
« J-June, » the only woman he ever looked at stuttered and blushed.
« Aren't you going to be late ? » Julian wrapped an arm around his mother and Thomas wanted to kiss him then, almost as much as he wanted to take the protective stance himself.
« Oh, yeah, » Mary beamed at him and led the girls to the door, being insultingly and infuriatingly territorial again. « Don't have too much fun without us guys ! »
« What the- » Julian cursed.
« We'll be back around ten ! » Lizzy cut him off before slamming the door close behind her.
They all stood in silence in the lobby for a minute.
« I made some tacos, » June was the one to break it, looking quite awkward.
« Mom- »
« June- »
Thomas and his son looked at each other.
« You go- »
« You first- »
« It's not- »
« She's not- »
« Okay, » June chuckled in amusement. « I totally get it. Now let's move onto the next part.»
Thomas sighed and rubbed his face tiredly.
« It's serious mom, » Julian smiled despite himself.
« I'm sure it is but we can come back to it later, » she patted his cheek in affection. « I picked a movie for tonight, » she changed the subject and both men allowed it, seeing her obvious discomfort.
« Pretty sure it's my turn, » Julian complained half heartedly and led her to the kitchen.
« You get one try, » June pointed a finger at him. «Hit me with your best shot. »
« The Circle, » he said without hesitation.
« Vetoed, » Thomas cut in and started gathering the sandwiches and other snacks on a tray.
« Mom said she liked horror movies, » Julian smirked.
« No, » June grimaced. « I said I wasn't scared of them. That's different. »
« This one has a great storyline- »
« This one made your sister sleep with the lights on for eight months. »
« Julian ! » June gasped at her son.
« Traitor, » he glared at his father.
« I picked a movie you might like, » Thomas turned to smile at June warmly. He almost got distracted by how beautiful she was in her grey jumper and faded jeans. Her hair had grown down to her shoulders and the golden color was almost fully back. He wanted to slap a hundred dollar bill in his son's hands beg him to go bother James or Matthew, lock the door and show her all night long how much he missed her
« You only get one shot too, » she tilted her head in the same adorable way he remembered.
« I thought we could get started with the Marvels. »
« Oh, that's a good idea, » Julian perked up. « What do you have mom ? »
« I actually wanted to watch The Avengers too, » she chuckled.
« No, no, » Julian tutted as they finally arrived at the home theater and threw himself in a chair in the front row. « If we're getting on this ride, we're doing it right. »
« Alright, » June agreed as she did with everything her son said. She would have agreed on The Circle if he had insisted.
Thomas spent the whole night watching her again. He hated the appreciative look on her face when Captain stepped out of the machine all bulky and sweaty but he loved how she enjoyed herself.
« Now, on to Iron Man, » Julian picked up the remote to find the next movie but June stopped him.
« It's a bit late, » June looked at her phone. « I think I should leave. »
« It's only nine and a half, » Julian frowned but Thomas got it right away.
« Stay, » he ordered, unable to help himself. She was driving him mad.
« I rea- »
« I don't care, » he cut her off and ignored his son's surprised look. He had tried being patient. He had given her space for over a year now. He had enough of waiting.
« Dad- »
« Is it about Mary ? » He got up and walked until he stood only a few inches from her and she had to tilt her head way back to look him in the eyes.
« I don't want her to get the wrong idea, » June frowned in worry.
« What's the wrong idea ? Because I- »
« Mom ! » Julian cut in and tugged his mom back. Thomas glared up at his son but found the young man was already throwing daggers at him too. « I'll drop you off if you're tired. »
« Th-thanks, » June stuttered before literally running back upstairs.
« Fuck dad ! Slow down ! » Julian shouted the second the door closed. « You're going to scare her. »
« I've been more than patient, » Thomas scoffed.
« Well, you need to be more than that, » Julian shook his head before leaving while muttering about ungrateful dads and their lack of manner.
—
Julian stopped the car in front of the trailer but neither moved.
His mother still looked shaken by what had happened with his father and once again Julian found himself wondering how his caveman of a father had ever managed to convince her to date him.
He couldn't imagine how hard the situation was for his father and he had to give it to him, he had really pushed himself to the limits. The Bear didn't ask, he took. He didn't wait for reinforcement, he barged into hell without knocking. He wasn't soft and gentle, he was direct and brutal. But he was so close to getting under her defenses.
Julian saw the way his mom blushed when his father looked at her for too long or how her eyes always found him in a room, no matter where they stood. He heard a distinct softness in her voice when he asked about how it was to date him and she opened up to tell him about a time long gone.
There was no way he was letting his father screw it all up now.
« About Mary… »
« Julian, » she sighed. « You're a bit too young to understand but it would be really disrespectful of me to keep coming over when she's not here. »
« Why ? » Julian crossed his arms and turned to look at her.
« Because no woman likes to have her boyfriend's ex over when she's away. It might be even worse when the ex in question happens to be an ex convict too, » June smiled sadly.
« Sure, but he's not her boyfriend so… »
« What ? » June frowned in confusion before blanching. « Oh my god they're engaged ? That's so much worse ! »
« Mom, » Julian couldn't help but laugh. « They're nothing. » He stopped laughing at her lost expression. « He might have hooked up with her a few years ago but believe me when I say he got rid of her in under a month top. »
« But… Why then… ? »
« Because she's a dumb leech ? Dad is too handsome ? Too rich ? Bite me, » Julian shrugged.
« But Lizzy said- » June frowned, still trying to put all the pieces together.
« Lizzy is desperate to set dad up, » Julian shook his head in annoyance.
He allowed his mom to digest all the new informations and remained silence. He Realized he maybe shouldn't have let her to her own thoughts when she spoke up.
« I still think I should stop coming over, » she nodded in determination.
« Mom- »
« Are you not comfortable here ? » She looked at him in obvious worry. « With me ? »
« Of course I am mom, » Julian grabbed her small, calloused hands in his much bigger one. « I come over at least twice a week, half of my closet is here now. »
« Then should I buy a bigger screen ? »
« It's perfect mom, » he sighed and decided to give up for tonight. « Let's do this if that's what you wish. »
—
June didn't sleep that night. She laid on the sofa and stared up at the ceiling she had sanded and painted herself a little over a year ago and went over everything that had happened since then.
She knew Thomas. No matter how everything had gone down, she was confident she knew the man better than anyone else in the world. He had changed of course, and there were many new layers that were foreign to her, but she knew the basics about him. So she had recognised the hungry look in his eyes, the way he tensed when she walked by, the twitch in his jaw when their skin brushed while passing a dish over. But she had refused to see it for what it was, half of it out of self preservation, the other half out of the certitude that everything he had felt for her had crashed and burned in that tribunal eighteen years ago.
However tonight… Tonight, when he ordered her to stay, when he walked up to her and stared down at her in determination, tonight she had recognised the same Thomas who had told her she would marry him on a hot summer night when she was barely sixteen. He hadn't proposed, hadn't asked, he had announced it like it was her unavoidable fate. June Dylan had to stay with Thomas Oswald forever.
But she knew this wasn't the same. This wasn't love. Maybe it had never been for him after all. Maybe it was all about chemistry. Yes, he wasn't acting out of love but out of lust. Thomas wanted her, it had been passionate enough to be confused with love before but love wasn't only about passion. If the realisation hurt, she deserved it for only seeing the truth in the face now, eighteen years too late. However she wasn't the same young, stupid June anymore, now as she admitted Thomas still desired her, she didn't get it confused and it somehow helped calm her growing anxiety down.
But that wasn't what she pondered over that night.
What haunted her thoughts was that her daughter felt threatened by her presence and felt the need to urgently set her father up so prevent her from sliding her way into their family.
June felt deeply ashamed at the image her daughter had of her but Realized she had every right to see it that way. After all, June had only been too eager to spend more time with her kids, in the home they grew up in, that she forgot how shameful and wrong it was for her to be there.
But she'd fix that. She'd show her daughter she had nothing to worry about and soothe her fear.