When I said I'll only ever exist but not live, I wasn't joking.
I was sent away from England for 5 years and I was 21.
I knew Felix was 23.
I still held on to our best memories
Oh, i still have the locket with me even though I try to forget about Felix because presently I experience more pain than happiness, the locket still calms me down knowing that the Felix I know is still somewhere, probably locked up in this new Felix.
During my 5 years away from England, I was just like a living shell
I felt myself floating in space
I tried discovering who I was and I still am
But I couldn't and still can't.
I mean isn't that what therapy is for, talking about your troubles, releasing all the pent up anger and frustration, trying to discover your new self and who you are without the layer of constant self hate.
As you might have probably guessed, I couldn't discover myself.
After 5 years of therapy I still don't know who I am.
Well there were positives to the therapy I didn't have any nightmare in those 5 years.
Those five years were quite peaceful.
I felt calm
I was neither too happy nor too sad.
I was just neutral
I made sure I didn't have lots of friends.
I didn't want a promise I know I couldn't keep
A promise that is a debt that I have to repay.
A promise that would keep on eating my soul.
To my therapists I was okay, I had some friends, did my school work, read a lot, have no nightmares. Apparently I was a free soul.
But only I know I wasn't.
How could I be okay.
I had broken a promise, shattered a heart, had a debt, it was only fair that the guilt kept eating me up from inside.
Over the years I made sure everything was perfect.
Had the perfect smile, perfect look, the look that everything was okay and I was happy even when it was the opposite.
I was allowed to further my education.
It made me so glad that I was allowed to further my education it made me feel normal like every normal human.
Well at least for the time I was in school I was normal and I could escape reality.
I devoted all my time to my studies and made sure I had the best grades.
I also met some pretty great people. I had the people I could call friends...well they call me their friend I mean I was tagged as a friend. It's only fair if I also call them that...
Friends.
I also made sure to keep my distance from them. It wasn't like they were not pretty great people I just didn't want to get attached.
I don't want and need any attachment.
I really do not want to feel like a liability.
I didn't want to be on the reciend of their sympathy.
I don't need it.
I might be pathetic but I don't live off sympathy and apologetic gazes.
I mean I am the girl who her Father abandoned.
The girl that doesn't know what it means to have a dad
The girl that never saw her mum
The girl that killed her mum
The girl with a witch of a stepmum.
I also didn't want any hatred from my friends.
I broke a promise, a life long debt.
I brutally shattered a heart without no care even though it was beyond my control.
But still, what is done is done.
I learnt pretty cool stuffs from my friends though.
For the starters, I learnt how to knit.
I'm sure you're thinking it's boring but I find it pretty cool and interesting.
I made lots of stuffs I was wearing and I still wear. I made my blankets, made my decorative covers, scarves, hats, jackets, cardigans.
I just find the fact that I can make my clothes from just a ball of yarn very interesting.
It feels like I'm giving life to the thread every l knit.
The only difference between the things I make and myself is that I cherish what I make and I've made. It has been my hard work so far.
However unlike the clothes, I wasn't cherished by my father. He gave me life without love filling my life with darkness from the beginning.
I also learnt how to apply makeup.
It might not be anything big to you, but it is for me.
Wearing makeup perfectly to avoid any slip ups has now become part of my life now. Especially when I'm going out with Felix. I have to make sure I cover my bruises up properly.
No one has to know.
If anyone knows, I'm gonna be receiving more reasons to apply makeup.
Do not be confused. You'll understand what I'm saying soon.
It's all in due time.
Patience is key, never forget that.