Trigger warning: Suicidal thoughts, abuse.
Annalise's POV
A deep weary sigh escaped my mouth as I trudged my heavy body along the quiet street where I lived. It was those thoughts again and they occupied my mind all day and night.
The only thing that stopped them was when I closed my eyes to sleep and even then in my attempts to escape to the sweet nothing of a slumber, those thoughts turned to nightmares that haunted me.
The voices scared me but what terrified me the most was how much I wanted to listen to them.
"Kill yourself" over and over again. At first they were murmurs and then they turned to whispers and soon to full on screams.
"Your life is so pathetic…why even try…no one wants you…you're alone…you're alone…you'll die alone…you're alone…you'll be alone forever…JUST DIE!".
I did my best to ignore those voices in my head as I go about my day. Those voices…they were mine…they came from me…from my buried desires. I stopped in my tracks and looked up.
I had reached the junction where I usually crossed to get to the small bridge on the other side. My eyes trailing at the speeding cars as I waited for the traffic light to turn red.
"Go on! Step into the street! It'll happen very quickly, look! There's a large truck" my eyes latched onto the rumbling machine as if to beg it to head to my direction.
"Look…it's perfect for crushing your little body" chills ran down my spine as the humid air became heavy. "you don't have to carry on living this torture you call your life…just a few steps…it'll end your pain…don't be afraid".
I clenched my fist in resistance as I fought the urge to listen. "Not today" I mumbled, pursing my lips tightly. "Not today" I told myself that everyday but maybe I was just afraid.
I shut my eyes tight in a bid to drown the noise. I began to hear footsteps threading around me so I open them back. The traffic light has already turned green and people were crossing.
I lifted my body that seemed heavy yet light…it was hard to describe. I walked as fast as they could carry me. My heels barely touching the hard ground like I was being chased… being chased by a shadow… the shadow of the thoughts that haunt me.
I walked fast not because I cared about arriving at my destination early but because I was terrified my legs would stop in the middle of the road and then…
I was heading to my work at the liquor store. I reached the other side of the road and walked to the mouth of the bridge. My speed significantly reduced.
While dragging my feet now, I dug my palm into the pocket of my coat and grabbed my phone to look at the time, it was 3:45 pm.
I pushed another sigh and looked up at the sky, it was painted in gray and dark clouds. "It's going to rain". I realized I forgot to take my umbrella with me and it was too late to go back. "Hopefully it stops before I clock out" I whispered under my breath, hanging my head low.
I reached the entrance of the long bridge that hovered over a large river and began walking to the end. Cars zoomed past me as the breeze crashed onto my body, sending me swaying a bit before footing myself properly on the ground.
I reached the middle of the bridge, and looked past the railings into the water. It wasn't so far from the bridge itself. It looks so deep…so inviting.
"Jump!" I continued to walk. "I said jump". I picked up my pace again. "Jump you coward!!" My heart thumped vigorously as I increased my steps to reach the end of the bridge.
When did this all start? Where did everything start to go so wrong? I asked myself silently. It was a question I had been asking myself for as long as my memory could take me.
"It all started when you were born" the voice answered sometimes. "I shouldn't have been born". It wasn't exactly a lie…my life had always had a terrible twist for as long as I could remember.
The earliest memory I could recollect when I begun to understand this cruel fate of mine was my mother. Her face had became hazy in memory but one thing that remained sharp in my mind. She never smiled at me.
The wind softly brushed past me as my mind drifted back to my earliest years as a child, I was barely four.
She always had a cigarette in between her fingers, sucking in the heat that came out. Her face squeezed with disgust whenever she looked at me.
"You ruined my life…I never should have had you Annalise…you're a pest" her cold voice rang through my ears as I watched the smoke escape from her nose and mouth, almost representing the words she said to me.
Whenever I clung onto her and cried she'd push me away like I was dirty and curse at me. "You unfortunate child…you should die". My father was barely in the picture.
In fact, I think the reason my mother hated me was because he wasn't there. I only knew him through the stories my mother told me and a picture she showed me.
He was the son of a rich businessman and my mother used to work as a housekeeper at the estate his parents owned. She caught his attention and he charmed her.
She fell in love too quickly and got pregnant. He didn't want it, he didn't want me. It was only a fleeting moment of passion for him but for my mother it was much more.