Severus could no longer hear Dumbledore. Nor could he remember exactly where he currently was at the moment.
Tears threatened to break free from his eyes as the realization of what the Headmaster told him sunk in. Whatever the old Professor had said after that, it had completely missed his ears. While he tried to have his Occlumency walls guard his mind, he found that they immediately fell apart within seconds. His own magic was failing him at the moment, leaving him vulnerable and open for anyone to attack. A part of him knew that Dumbledore would understand and respect his privacy at the moment, but he still couldn't break free of hating the feeling of being exposed. The last thing he needed was for someone to peek into his mind or see the tears in his eyes.
The Headmaster studied the young Slytherin as he stared down at the desk, tears running down his cheeks. He had stopped talking when he realized that the young man was no longer listening.
For the first time in Dumbledore's life, he actually felt sorry for him, even scared as well. But not in the way he usually did. It was no secret that Slytherin was the source of potential Death Eaters, and Severus was high on top of his 'alert list' that he had been keeping for the past five years now. But this time was different. He didn't fear about Severus running off and joining the Dark Lord on his crusade. He feared what the young man could do to himself in this kind of state. His parents were dead, his whole house hated him and he knew about the incident that destroyed his relationship with Lily Evans. As far as the Headmaster was concerned, Severus Snape had no one else in his life.
"Mr. Snape," Dumbledore leaned forward in his chair, folding his arms on top of the desk.
Severus blinked and looked up, starting to come back to reality. He rubbed his eyes with the sleeves of his robes and shook his head.
"Sorry, Professor," he apologized.
"No need to be sorry," the Headmaster smiled, sympathetically. "It's completely understandable and necessarily to express emotions like this. It's only means that you are human to do so. Do you wish for me to tell you the details now, or another time? Because I am more than willing to hold off until when you are ready."
Severus shook his head, gaining control over himself.
"No, I wish to know what happened."
Dumbledore hesitated before nodding and continued.
"Earlier today, local Muggle police were informed of a gunshot being heard from your parents' house by next-door neighbors. When they entered the premises, they found both of your parents, dead in the master bedroom. It appears that your father shot himself in the head, committing suicide. But, as for your mother..." Dumbledore stopped and sighed. "Your mother apparently had been beaten to death by your father. Once your father had realized what he had done, he took his own gun and used it on himself. Once we learned about the investigation from our sources, we were able to take over with the help of the Prime Minister. The Aurors took care of everything after the Muggle authorities left."
Severus's hands tighten their grip on the sides of the chair. His heart felt like it was being squeezed as he imagined the scene from within his mind. He could see his father, drunk and angry, hitting his mother until she couldn't take it anymore. He could imagine her lifeless eyes, staring at him from miles away. Anger rose within him, even his expression showed it as his face and ears lit up red. He now had two emotions going through him at once. Sadness and anger. One for his mother and the other for his father.
Damn that man! he declared in his mind. Damn that man to hell!
Memories came back to him of the years of abuse his father inflicted on both him and his mother. He remembered cowering in the corner, crying as his father yelled and hit his mother when he reached his breaking point. He remembered a moment when he took stand to stop his father from continuing to hit his mom, only to feel the impact of a fist against his cheek bone, blacking out. He remembered how his mother would tell him to stay away from home, that she would either come and get him when it was all over or to come back by nightfall if she didn't.
How could his mother had stayed with him after all this time? Why didn't she leave? What did staying with Tobias Snape do to help her or him in any way?
A part of Severus knew that his mother wasn't all there. She was depressed to a near critical point, couldn't make clear decisions unless forced to do so and most definitely couldn't defend herself against the man she had declared her love for in the past. He wanted to be angry with her for not doing anything to stop Tobias's abusive nature, for not leaving him or kicking his sorry arse out of the house. But he couldn't bring himself to do it, he couldn't be angry with her. He knew his mother has had it worse in life than he ever did. She had been under the control of a father of who wished to marry her off to any Pureblood family for profit. Once breaking free, she went on the run and left the world she knew behind, then married the man she thought was good enough for her and finally had a chance to live peacefully. Only to meet another terrible fate at the hands of the man she trusted enough to share her secret with, and endure a life of pain and misery until the every end.
New tears formed as he closed his eyes and lowered his head to his chest. He felt he was going to break again. He didn't want to let loose of his emotions just yet. He first had to get through this first and remain strong. For his mother.
"Mr. Snape," Dumbledore's voice was filled with concern. "Will you please look at me?"
Severus wanted to run away from the office and Hogwarts itself, leave it all behind and disappear into the darkness of the night. Never to be seen again. But he willed himself push those thoughts aside and looked up, meeting the Headmaster's eyes.
He brought up his Occlumency walls again and made sure they kept his emotions under control this time. He pushed back the tears in the eyes and the feelings in his heart, creating a firm expression that revealed nothing of what was truly going on inside his head.
While not fully satisfied, Dumbledore nodded and continued, "I know that you won't have enough money for a funeral. So, I've decided to have Hogwarts cover the cost and allow for a decent burial for both of your parents. I've already made the proper arrangements with the Ministry."
Severus struggled to hold back a sneer. He hated it when people did things for him out of charity or sympathy. The last thing he wanted was for people to treat him like a wounded puppy. But as he remembered the promise he made to himself, and to his mother, he forced himself to accept the kind act and not reveal his displeasure.
"I'm thankful of you for doing this, Professor, it's more than I deserve. But isn't one burial necessary enough? I think we both can agree that my father doesn't deserve the courtesy of being laid to rest."
Dumbledore didn't raise an eyebrow or feel surprised by his reaction, although he was taken back by the thank you he had given him. He was expecting the usual sneer and his "don't need your charity" speech that he always gave to everyone.
"If you wish to only bury your mother, then that is your choice to make. Your father's body will be cremated, and his ashes given directly to you. With the recent events that have happened, I've also decided that you would be granted the rest of the last few days of school off in order to grieve. But you must be back in time for the final festival before the end of the school year.
"No!" Severus protested.
Dumbledore raised his eyebrows, surprised.
"Beg your pardon."
"No! I want the funeral to be tomorrow afternoon, at the cemetery of Cokeworth."
"But, so soon? What about the invitations?" asked Dumbledore.
"There is no one else," Severus declared. "My father and mother had no friends, and there are currently no other family relatives. Even if there were, they wouldn't bother to come. I'm deeply thankful for everything you and Hogwarts are doing for me at this very moment, but I wish to get it all over and done with as soon as possible. All I need is one day to bury my mother and be back the day after. Also, I ask of you not to tell anyone of what has just happened. I wish for this to remain quiet."
Dumledore rubbed his bearded chin for a second, thinking to himself.
"It is possible to achieve everything you are asking for. I can arrange for the burial for tomorrow afternoon and for your mother to be presented in the best condition, including the cremation of your father, all within that time period. Be thankful that the Wizarding World is capable of reaching certain deadlines than the Muggle World can. But are you absolutely certain that you don't need more time off in order to grieve, Mr. Snape? Because I'm more than willing to let you go home for the rest of the school year. There is only five days left."
"Yes, Professor," Severus nodded.
Studying the young Slytherin for a few seconds longer, Dumbledore nodded in agreement and stood up from his desk.
"Very well, then. I can arrange for you to be taken to your family home in Spinner's End of Cokeworth, tonight. The Aurors have cleaned up the blood and removed the bodies of your parents, so you have nothing to worry about. I will arrange for an Auror to pick up from outside the Common Room of Slytherin and take you straight to your home. Everything will be set for tomorrow by five in the afternoon, and then the day you'll be picked up in the morning by me to go back to Hogwarts in order to finish the last two days of school. I also promise you that I will not tell anyone else, not even the teachers. Does this agree with you, Mr. Snape?"
Severus got up from the chair and nodded.
"Yes, sir."
"Then it's official, I'll make the final arrangements needed," the Headmaster walked around the corner and led him to the door. "Remember, tomorrow at two, for the funeral. Your father's ashes will be presented to you there as well. Thursday morning, I will be at your family's doorstep by seven. Be well, my young student, and please don't do anything foolish. Take your time to grieve, it'll be the only thing that will help you through this."
Nodding, Severus immediately walked out of the office and down the spiraling steps, making his way to the Slytherin Common Room. Once he was back in his dormitory, he got straight to packing what he needed. Which, to be honest, wasn't much. Just a pair of torn up clothes, a couple of journals and his wand. He bypassed everyone who looked his way, ignoring the angry expressions of Avery and Mulciber in the corner of the Common Room. Even though it still hurt him to see his own House members turn on him, he was learning to get use to it.
As he waited by the entrance of the Slytherin House, he was greeted by an Auror man not too long later. He followed the Auror out of the castle and was Apparited to the public park of Spinner's End, which wasn't too far from his family's home. They both could hear dogs barking in the distance, due to the effects of the Apparition. The Auror walked Severus to his home and then Disapparited away once he had unlocked the door and thanked him.
As he stood at the entrance of the opened doorway, he stared into complete darkness of the small hallway. It took everything within him to walk on inside and set his stuff down on the small table in the living room.
He turned to towards the stairs and held his gaze, trying to decide if he should see the room where his mother was killed. There was a part of him that felt the urge to stay away and not even think about climbing those steps. He felt a sense of fear and dread rushing through him, but there was another part of him that needed to see the room.
Sighing to himself, he forced himself to walk towards and up the steps of the stairs. It took all of his will-power to not turn around and run back down to the living room. He wanted nothing more than to lay on the couch and let the tears come as he would fall victim to sleep. But he pushed those feelings aside and forced himself to climb each step until he reached the top.
As he approached the master bedroom, he placed his hand on the doorknob and felt the cold steel on his skin, almost like it was sending him a last minute warning to turn back and stay away.
Closing his eyes, Severus took a big breath of air and released it. He turned the knob and softly pushed the door open, making a small creaking noise.
He stood at the entrance as he opened his eyes and was met with the darkness of the room, feeling a eerie presence from within. He could hear the cool breeze of the night air from outside, hitting against the window.
Taking his first step, he approached the bed and stared down at the floor. The blood may have no longer been there, but he could see the stains that it left behind. Evidence of what his father did to his mother.
He allowed the darkness of the room to take him, embracing the cold atmosphere that lingered around him. His eyes continued to stare down at the floor, his mind focusing on the details of how his mother was murdered. He could almost hear and feel the impact of each hit in a long distance, hearing his father scream, but the part that Severus would never know for sure was whether or not his mother cried out in pain or what her exact last words were.
He wanted to imagine her keeping quiet and not giving his father the satisfaction of knowing how much it hurt. But he came to the realization that he would never know for certain.
His thoughts then drifted to his father and he felt his rage return with a vengeance. He fantasized about what he would do to him if he had not taken his own life. While Severus was serious about giving up the Dark Arts, that didn't mean that he didn't know other ways of torturing without it. His anger grew with each passing thought and memory.
How much he wanted to cause Tobias Snape pain for what he did! How much he wanted to avenge his mother and punish the man who caused him years of pain!
In fact, the more he thought about his past, the more he came to realize where the prejudice against Muggles and Muggleborns truly came from.
It all started with his father.
The only representation of a Muggle to him during his childhood, before he had met Lily's parents.
As for Slytherin, the Death Eaters, and Voldemort; they just added more fire to that growing hatred that he had within him, channeling it towards something that benefited them.
Even in the cold, dark room, his face lit up red and his hands formed fists. His body began to shake from the anger that was continuing to build within him. Sweat sliding down his forehead.
He could feel himself losing control, but he didn't bother to raise his Occlumency shields. He wanted to let loose for once and not hide behind the cold, expressionless face that was creating this person he couldn't recognize anymore in the mirror.
Suddenly, without warning, Severus let out a loud, outburst of anger and grabbed the first thing he could reach, throwing it against the wall. He proceeded to do the same thing again; grabbing vases, chairs, blankets, pictures.
He couldn't hear the sound of things breaking as he threw them across the room or against the wall. It felt as if all sound died out, giving him a silence that did nothing for him.
For a long while, he couldn't even think straight. The only thing that kept appearing in his thoughts were the years of torment that his mother and him were forced to endure, believing that one day it would all get better. The lie that he once believed that maybe Hogwarts would be the answer; the lie that his mother believed that his father could once again love her.
But none of it would ever happen.
It would only get worse, leading to everything that has happened.
The thought was unreal to him, even after all he had been through and seen; his mother dying by the hands of his bastard father.
Severus fell to his knees and allowed the tears to come, feeling them blind his eyesight and run down his cheeks. He could feel the darkness around him once again, the cold air touching his skin. He sobbed for the second time in days and didn't care if there was someone witnessing or hearing him. He fell to his side and landed on some glass, feeling the sharp edges pressing against his skin, maybe even a little blood as well.
But he couldn't feel the pain, let alone actually care if he was. He instead laid there, letting the tears soak the rug beneath him.
A series of mixed emotion ran through him; anger, sadness, loneliness, nothingness. He felt them all within seconds of each other, wishing to Merlin that he would die right there and then. Half his face was covered by darkness, while the other was shined on by the moonlight from the window.
Once the tears slowly began to recede, Severus found the strength to pick himself up and walk out of the room, leaving the door open and the mess he made behind him. He climbed down the stairs and sat down on his father's chair in the living room.
For hours he just sat completely still, staring into the darkness ahead of him. The tears no longer came, and he got his emotions under control once again. He didn't move a muscle as his red, puffy eyes just stared off into space, with a lifeless look within them.
His arms rested on the sides of the chair, his back against the worn leather. He could smell the alcohol stench and terrible odor that his father had left behind, but he didn't care.
As the hours passed, Severus could feel his eyelids beginning to weigh on him, his body relaxing and getting comfortable in the chair. His final thoughts were of Lily and Hogwarts, including Eileen. His chest felt like it was being crushed from the inside, his expression turning to sadness. He had tried many times to get over Lily and their lost friendship, but the pain wouldn't go away. He wished that he could somehow forget about her and move on. But even as he wished for it, he immediately felt regret and shame, knowing that to forget about her would be the ultimate betrayal he could do to her, even if she wanted to forget about him.
Like a bolt of lightning, he instantly realized that he was in love with her. Whatever his original feelings for her were, they had evolved from friendship to love, and he hated himself for it. He hated being at the mercy of his own feelings, to be enslaved to a desire that could never be filled, nor returned. After everything that has happened between the two of them, there was no way that anything of the sorts could happen between them. Even if they somehow repaired their friendship, which was highly unlikely, given the circumstances, there was no telling if she felt the same way towards him.
Why had he allowed himself to fall victim to love? He would never know for sure, only that he had allowed himself to.
As much as he wanted to blame Slytherin and those who influenced him since his first year at Hogwarts, he only had himself to blame. He had hurt Lily more times that he could count, and he was paying the price for it. In the end, he had let her down and drove her away. He was so blind that he couldn't see what had been right in front of him the entire time and he lost the only person who cared about him and had wanted to be his friend.
He had believed that he was completely alone after what had happened at Hogwarts with Lily and his dorm-mates, but now he was truly feeling what it meant to be alone. In the end, everyone he had known was gone. Either dead or turned their backs on him, Severus Snape was now alone in the world.
Only the darkness was there to greet him now.
Thoughts entered his mind about 'ending it' all right there and then. Leaving behind one final memory to add to his pathetic legacy. He was a walking soul of hurt and pain, affecting everyone who came into his life. He had become a damaged being, waiting to be put out of its misery.
Reaching towards the small table across from him, he picked up his wand and held it in his hands, staring at it as he debated with himself whether or not he should do the deed. He knew the spell well enough and had the motivation to cast it. There was nothing else holding him to the very Earth he walked and lived on, nothing else to live for.
However, a voice within him spoke out and forced his hand to put the wand down, coming to a decision to think of a reason to keep on living. Something that would hold promise.
He quickly remembered his conversation with Professor Slughorn about the applications he picked up in his office. Reaching to the pockets of his school robes, he pulled out the two summer school applications and unfolded them, studying them as he reach over. He felt a tiny renewal of interest within him as he realized that the one dream he always had was traveling the world. Might not be on the grand scale he wanted, but it was enough. Italy and America awaited him for the summer and somehow... that seemed enough.
If he went to any one of these schools and they proved to be a promising new beginning for him, then maybe it was time for a change. To get away from Hogwarts, from England, from the Wizarding World that he knew. But most of all... from Lily.
It was clear to him that there was nothing here for him anymore. If was to start again somewhere else, this was his biggest chance at finding out. No matter how many miles it would take to achieve it.
He knew that it would take some convincing to be fully exchanged to another school in another country, but it was more than possible. He hoped that Dumbledore would see it as an opportunity to get rid of him and prevent one student from joining the Death Eaters. But he also hoped that whatever school he tried exchanging to, that they would accept him. The only question that remained was which one he would choose for the summer... Salem or Rome?
Before he could make a decision, he finally felt his eyes close and his head rested against the top of the chair, falling asleep. While he didn't smile, he could feel a sense of hope within him. Hope that maybe things could get better when the darkness met the dawn in the morning.
One way or another, it was time for a change.