"Huh... so all that really just happened." I sat there in my chair, contemplating the eventful day I just had. I glanced at the dent on my desk I had made yesterday, "Well, I guess I have to take responsibility for my actions..." I started thinking about how I felt before; about me planning this whole suicide. "Just because I have someone worried for me doesn't mean I feel any different, but I'll sure feel a bit more guilty if I end myself now."
I started looking back at every moment we spent together, that one day felt so long and fulfilling I couldn't believe it. It's been so long since the last time I've interacted with someone, let alone in such a friendly manner. Not only did I not mind her company, but I also enjoyed it. The way we could speak so naturally to each other without it being a hassle really brought up my mood but there was just one little problem... was I really in love? Was this love or was I in love with the idea of someone worrying about me to such a degree? At this moment I couldn't sort out my emotions properly.
Why am I cursed with so much emotion and none at the same time? I guess we'll just see where this goes. Should I start inviting her to my home now and start treating her as a girlfriend? "I can finally be a gaslighting manipulator. I'll say things along the lines of "if you leave me I'll kill myself" and lets not forget the good ol' "I'll kill myself if you cheat on me" but that's only effective with people who actually care about you, which I have never had." I started talking to myself manically; anyone seeing me in a 3rd person view would see me as insane, but this was my way of humoring myself "How the fuck is this even going to work? She's still in school and I'm an unemployed bastard who has nothing else to do... Hahaha Emily... you really have no idea what you just got yourself into."
For now I was filled with joy, but I knew deep down this wouldn't last long. I'd find some way of ruining it eventually "but who cares right? Hahahaahah!", I shouted while pacing around my room. It looks like I'll just have to wait until tomorrow to see her again. What should I do with the rest of my day? I pondered on the idea for a moment before deciding "I should probably check what's wrong with my gun." I wasn't planning on killing myself with it anymore, but the cause of it failing on me had me curious. I examined the gun, first taking out the mag and the one in the chamber then dismantled the gun "I knew these plastic Glock guns weren't reliable..." I mumbled while trying to figure out what went wrong. I was no expert in guns, I only know the basics like checking the striker and such. To me nothing seemed wrong with it so I decided to check the ammo and that's when I noticed "What the fuck? these bullets are light ass shit." I probably didn't notice the weight of the gun being off back then because of the adrenalin but now it was obvious. The lack of a primer was as clear as day and you could tell there was no gun powder in it as well "Now what kind of meticulous bastard who knows I don't practice with my guns anymore would do such a thing?" the only person I could imagine it being was my mother; no forced entry and nothing was out of place- the answer was obvious "hahaah, it's like she's still salty about what I did in the past but come on, setting up your son like this, isn't that a bit over kill? Aren't mothers supposed to care about they're child above anything else?" the unpleasant memory of my past started to seep in more and more but I decided to keep myself occupied with something else (like cleaning your house up after 3 years of not doing it?) nope I'm going to the gun store (of course you are) having a gun with no ammunition doesn't let me be at ease anymore. I didn't care about this before. I usually walked outside without my gun because of my lack of will to live, but right now I felt anxious without it, especially in this country where nearly everyone has a gun "whether they know how to use it or not is a different thing but regardless someone with a gun is still a threat no matter how inexperienced." I hopped into my car and drove off to the nearest gun store, which wasn't far at all considering the fact we're in Texas. I walked into the store more nervous then usual. I used to come here a lot to look around and practice my grouping but today I was a bit off. I looked out of place. I grabbed a box of 9mm and headed towards the cash register before a variant of a scar had caught my eye.
"What you are looking for today sir"
"Oh, ya the scar caught my interest, can I check it out?" the sight of the scar had interested me; it brought back memories of the rare chances I got to see the special ops guys. I really liked the look in their eyes. I thought that maybe they would understand me but I lacked the academics, so I quickly discarded the idea.
"You sure can, it's a scar-17 chambered in 308.", he racked the slide out of habit before handing it to me
I shouldered the gun and did a bit of dry firing before absolutely falling in love with the gun. I wasn't sure if I was idealizing it or not but I didn't really care. The store had a gun range so I decided to test it out.
*thump*
*thump*
*thump*
The scar made a loud thumping sound that was hard to describe. "This thing is fucking awesome" I fired it a couple more times before making the most implosive purchase I had ever made; a scar 2 extra mags and a red dot.
"What the fuck is wrong with me?" I stared at the gun I had placed on the living room table. "To think I was only going to get some boxes of 9mm" I truly loved guns, that was no secret. Another reason I joined the military even though I didn't necessarily favor one country over the other. The problem was the more guns I had the more I felt like I'd do something stupid, but after going throw a life or death experience, I threw all of those ideas out the window "Surely I won't do anything bad with this- I mean I've gone so far to put a stop to myself because I care right?" Daniel's head was filled with convoluted thoughts constantly, it was hard to know what he was referring to most of the time. "I have bought other things out of impulse before. Like that plat carrier, even though I didn't have a rifle and the tactical helmet, soooo it's not that weird a rifle would be the next step. Even though it made quite the dent on my wallet but oh well."
Buying the rifle gave me a momentary excitement but then I got distracted with other activities such as watching Youtube and some random animes that had come out this season that I'd forget to complete if they weren't interesting enough. "Huh... this reminds me of how my life was before I went into full on hikikomori state, going to the gun range to practice then coming back home and filling my brain of garbage.. its almost like I'm back to normal... well what ever the definition of normal is to me. I'm still missing a lot of things such as: my job, working out, not having my house be a complete mess and such, but I'm sure it will all come back to me eventually. Come on Daniel keep your head up. You survived the worse threat to you in this world- yourself." as I kept humoring myself with edgy dialogue, the thought of Emily passed throw my mind again ... "She really did save me huh? I won't be able to say sappy shit like she said, but I guess she's someone I'll have to care for now" I headed towards my bed, imagining different scenarios I could play out with Emily before fading into sleep. My last thought was "I wonder how Emily lives. How was her day today..."