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"Don't be a hypocrite! Admit that you enjoyed it."
Those words rang in Kenan's head, reminding him of the events of that night.
Responding back to Austin's actions, he wrapped his legs around the waist of the man above him. At first Austin thought Kenan wanted to erase the distance between them. It turned out that his assumption was wrong. Kenan's arms then wrapped firmly around his neck. And with all his might, the man flipped his position to be on top of Austin. Unfortunately for Austin, due to the limited space of the sofa, his body fell to the floor so hard on his back. Followed by Kenan's body falling on top of him.
"Ahh Kenan, let ... me go!" Austin winced in between his words as Kenan's arms were still clasping his neck around the nape of his neck.
Instead of letting go, Kenan smiled and said, "You asshole ..." His voice was low, almost a whisper. His dull eyes stared intently at Austin. It was obvious that Kenan was drunk.
"Kenan let Austin go!" Felix called out, but was ignored.
Not wanting to make a scene, Farrel pulled Kenan's body from behind. Separating the two men who were struggling. Kenan's drunken body staggered backwards and was immediately recaptured by Farrell with both hands. Intending to find an opportunity in a tight spot, the man tried to grope Kenan's front body. However, it ended with his hand being violently twisted as the man quickly turned his body around.
"Arrgg!!!" The scream distracted the three men—especially Austin who was focused on bringing himself to his feet.
Farrel's body staggered back a few steps after receiving a kick in the stomach area. Even though Kenan's kick was not too strong, a low grin escaped his lips. Managing to maintain his balance, Farrel tried to push Kenan away in exactly the same way as eleven years ago. However, it didn't work, because soon Austin's stern reprimand managed to stop his actions.
"Farrel, don't touch him, he's mine," Austin refused with a sharp look at Farrel. While the one being stared at just squinted sarcastically. Austin has really changed, he thought.
Rolling his eyes in exasperation, Farrel tried to restrain himself from touching the dazed man on the side again. If only the owner hadn't warned him, he would've played with him like eleven years ago as the owner let him. Time seemed to fly by, changing things drastically. However, not with Farrel, the feeling of wanting to possess Kenan was still the same as eleven years ago.
Farrel liked Kenan. Even before all the immorality. Before Austin realized his feelings of guilt for Kenan, Farrel had already had those feelings. Unfortunately, all his feelings back then had been blinded by lust.
"Kenan!" Austin's exclamation snapped Farrel out of his thoughts about Kenan. The man glanced at Austin who rushed out, passing him by as Kenan staggered away from the room.
Silence greeted the three remaining men after Austin closed the door roughly. It was either anger or sadness that made Farrell stare in despair at the floor he stood on.
"Kenan!"
The man turned around to face him with his gaze dazed and unfocused. One hand held onto the wall to keep his body from swaying forward as alcohol took over most of his senses. Without prompting, Austin immediately hugged Kenan tightly without any intention of letting go.
He couldn't resist because Austin's warm embrace seemed to ask him to reciprocate. However, both of Kenan's hands were just hanging by his sides. Though in a situation like this now is an opportunity for Kenan to smash his knuckles on the man's handsome face.
Didn't he seem so weak?
"Kenan, listen to me—"
"Why? Why did you do that to me?" The low tone of his voice trembled with the pain he felt in his chest when he remembered that moment.
Austin was silent with a thousand words of apology stuck in his throat. His Adam's apple moved as he roughly swallowed saliva to wet his dry esophagus—ending in a 'glub' that Kenan could hear.
Kenan's eyes stared at him intently. Austin felt relief fill his heart when the man finally gave him the attention he wanted, albeit with a sorrowful look. At least Kenan was willing to look at him so he could show all the guilt and thousands of apologies that couldn't be spoken from his lips, but could be found in his dark eyes.
"Don't do that again!" Kenan softly said after their eyes met.
Despite having reached the threshold of his consciousness, Kenan still forgave Austin for his treatment moments ago. While continuing to drown out the throbbing pain in his chest that almost drowned his sanity after the alcohol.
Austin wanted Kenan to forgive him, and Kenan did. At least for now—because, if he stepped over the limit of his patience, he wouldn't get what he came back for. To be the good man they knew ten years ago. Kenan should be grateful to himself for having so much patience, because if he had no patience and only had his wits about him, he would never have survived until now.
Once again, Austin took Kenan into his arms in a silent dialog that Kenan also replied to though he chose to remain silent before the darkness took hold of his consciousness faster.
*
Kenan woke up the second consciousness set in. His pair of deer eyes were perfectly rounded followed by a vision that was still blurry. At that very second, his body was reflexively forced to rise. Sitting up from his original position—lying down and ending up with the top of his head hitting someone's chin.
"Aww!" The person groaned after his chin was hit rather hard by the skull of the man on his lap without any prompting.
Returning to his original position, lying on the lap of the man who was still grimacing, Kenan blinked his eyelids a few times to clarify his vision on the object in the form of the man on the bench.
"Apart from kicks, you have a good head header too. Maybe you have the potential to become a soccer player." A tired sigh accompanied the sentence that came out of Austin's mouth. He was still grimacing as he rubbed his chin while staring at Kenan's expression, who was frowning with questions.
"Austin ...?" Kenan's voice was low.
"No," the man paused, "Of course it's me." He chuckled haggardly.
Kenan stared blankly at Austin's face above him though his focus was elsewhere as his vision was still blurry. Also, his head was throbbing with dizziness. Whether it was the result of the lingering alcohol, or because his head had hit Austin's chin earlier. Kenan again tried to get up from Austin's lap, and of course with the help of the man who slowly brought him to sit on his right side.
"Where are we?" Kenan swept his gaze in the direction he could reach.
"In the car," Austin replied as he tilted his sitting position sideways towards Kenan.
The soft sound of clothes rubbing against the car seat in the silence that was only filled by the breathing of the two men. Kenan turned to Austin, though he refused to look at the pair of black irises that refracted his reflection in the dimness of the car. Kenan hurriedly confirmed the seating position that Kenan was sure he and the man were sitting in the back seat.
"How did I end up here? What happened?" He frowned at last looking at Austin's tired face. The bruise on the handsome man's cheek was clearly visible between the dim headlights of the car that were not entirely turned on, "Your face ..." The trembling of Kenan's hand outstretched to lightly touch the bruise decorating the man's left cheek, did not diminish his good looks.
"It hurts ...," Austin hissed and caught Kenan's hand and held it by the wrist.
"What's wrong with your face?" a dark bead looked quizzically at Austin who pursed his lips after wincing.
Austin let out a long breath after a few seconds of silence, "You really don't remember anything?" He asked while looking at Kenan with a frown.
It took a while for Kenan to realize what was happening to him.
Although his dizziness was still throbbing, Kenan tried to recall the events before he lost consciousness.
Sitting in the back seat of the car. He stared intently at the man he had known for thirteen years-even though for ten of those years they had been separated by distance and space, and lost touch. Therefore, Austin was happy since Kenan came back into his life even though he admitted that his welcome to the man was far from friendly. However, Kenan's eagerness to make up with him raised great hopes for Austin to at least change their future despite the dark background in the past.
"Remember?" Austin asked briefly.
Kenan nodded slowly. "I'm sorry." Turning his face to stare in the other direction, out the window. His fingers were busy squeezing each other in strong fists on his lap, "I lost control," he continued. His words sounded as heavy as his breath. Along with the smell of alcohol that lingered in his mouth.
"I'm the one who should be apologizing," Austin said, his tone less like before, more like calm. "I shouldn't have done something stupid like that again."
"So, what time is it?" Kenan asked, staring out the windshield and finding only the sight of a row of cars parked in a space lit by a row of dim lights.
"Five o'clock sharp," Austin replied looking at his watch.
Carrying his body on the steering wheel of the car, Kenan had a little trouble getting past the car seat to move from where he was sitting in the back seat. Austin wanted to help, but by the time he was about to speak Kenan had already righted his seat in the driver's seat.
"Do you want to stay in the back or move to the front?"
Austin didn't answer, but he opened the back door of the car to move to the front. Unlike Kenan who barged into the car seat. As soon as Austin complied with the door, the car's engine was already misbehaving. The spotlight illuminated a little of the entire parking lot before its noise broke the silence and pierced the near-darkness before the light came on.
Along the way the street lights flickered like fireflies. Staring at him was Kenan who was focused on driving in silence, also still drunk. Austin stared at the man for a long time, long enough before he asked because Kenan never returned his gaze.
"Where are you taking me this early in the morning?"
Staring at the man beside him, whose face was decorated with a slight bruise pattern. However, it did not diminish his good looks.
Kenan replied, "You'll see."
"Is this part of the surprise? Do I need to close my eyes?" asked Austin without for a second shifting his attention to Kenan's face even though he was serious, the sweetness on the man's face did not diminish.
"If I were kidnapping you right now to ask your father for ransom money, would you be willing to close your eyes?" Kenan asked back, while his lips curved into a meaningful smile that Austin didn't understand.
"Why bother asking my father when you can get it from me."
The BMW came to a stop at the iron railing of a paved road fifteen meters above the highway, a flyover.
The street was still dark when Kenan and Austin got out of the car. The two stood on the edge of the guardrail that directly faced east.
"What do you want to do up here?" Austin asked again.
Kenan just looked at him and replied, "Just wait!"
Waiting on the flyover. Austin looked up at the starry sky. The cold air reached between his fingers that rubbed against each other's palms. Up here, there was no commotion like the day and night before. There was only the whistling of the wind and the chirping of birds that started the morning first before the creatures called humans began their monotonous routine in urban areas.
Spending time waiting-makes Austin bored. So, he called out the name of the man beside him to chase away the crusts of silence before they got thicker. "Kenan!"
"Hmmnn?" The buzzing of Kenan's vocal cords responded in a tone lower than the chirping of birds.
His eyes rolled up to look at Kenan after a minute of staring ahead, eastward to be exact. Austin said after so much monologuing in the silent atmosphere.
"I have a favor to ask you, can you help me?" He kept looking at Kenan's face to see how the man would react to his request before continuing, "My belief says that only you can help me. Because only you understand me completely."
They stared at each other with Kenan pressing his lips together.
"Be my brother, as you used to try to get me to accept you. Also, be my lover, as I love you now."
"Austin ..." The name slipped from his lips.
"Can you, Kenan?" he asked. Kenan lowered his voice as Austin continued, "I want to be a responsible person in the future. Also, for my future children."
"You-you?" Kenan's beady eyes glared and blinked twice.
Austin nodded. A smile was etched on his face. He was unsure whether he should tell this news or keep it hidden until his future successor arrived. However, he finally had to say it now, at this moment. When an opportunity like this came to him to have a heart-to-heart talk with Kenan, his lover.
"Congratulations! I'm happy for you." A pat with a caress landed on Austin's right shoulder from Kenan who gave him a small but sincere smile.
"Thank you." One breath was the final word, indicating that his heart was relieved.
Not for long. From the far east, dawn broke behind the buildings. Its light was graded sky blue against the glowing clouds on the horizon.
Silence fell between the two men who watched the sun rise over the flyover.
Moments like this had never occurred to Austin before. He only remembered watching the sunset on the beach, for him it was the most beautiful moment. Unexpectedly, watching the sunrise on the flyover was no less beautiful.
The golden rays of the sun hit Kenan's face, successfully distracting Austin's eyes. The sun was ignored as he was dazzled by the beauty of the man standing next to him. His charcoal-black mane swayed in the morning breeze. While his lips curved into a faint smile. Staring at the pair of beads that were gazing at the rising sun, Austin's eyes were glued to them-on the pair of bright brown eyes that were illuminated by the sun.
The faint glow of the streetlights along the flyover faded the bright rays of the sun before simultaneously turning off. With Kenan, Austin feels as if his world is stagnating as the sun trails the morning of an early August Sunday.
Maybe his love story had made him too greedy, angry, sad and all the things he couldn't feel, he felt. However, with Kenan, their love is like a kind of feeling that allows Austin to stay close to Kenan at the end of the night until dawn.
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