Tonight Austin spends his free time in the company of a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes. The man was also a smoker, but not as often as Kenan. He hasn't moved from the balcony of his room since an hour ago. The image of Kenan's face on the night they spent half the night together at the hotel came back to her mind. She couldn't understand why she had invited him to the hotel to satisfy her lust when she herself was married.
Kenan had never hurt him at all, Austin thought that continuing to hate and do whatever he wanted to Kenan would never result in anything but regret as he had done in the past. After all, they weren't teenagers anymore, maybe it was time for him to build a new bond with Kenan. Just like his father wanted, a brotherly bond. However... could Austin not go beyond that bond to go further?
It was a simple truth that Austin was afraid to admit that he loved Kenan. Coward, a word that describes him now. The arrogant Austin, now seemed unable to do anything. Remembering everything about Kenan made his heart seem clawed.
Pensive and alone moving from his seat to go somewhere, his steps were a little shuffling. Until here he was now, in front of the dark brown painted door that was the door to Kenan's room.
Is he asleep? Austin asked himself.
His hand slowly stretched out to knock on the door, but his intention was immediately undone considering that Helena would be home tonight. For a moment, his hand hung by his side. Before finally quickly opening the door to Kenan's room without permission.
The door was unlocked, slowly stepping into Kenan's room. The man found someone sleeping on the bed with a slightly rumpled blanket covering half the body. Kenan slept on his side facing the window near the door, and it was easy for Austin to look at his sweet face from a distance even though it didn't seem to satisfy his desire to look at Kenan from a close distance until his feet kept stepping closer to the man until Austin finally realized that he was on Kenan's side of the bed.
Motionless, like a statue looking up at its owner. Austin pondered how this man before him could be so perfect and fragile at the same time. As beautiful as an artifact, happiness burst forth like sandalwood exuding a distinctive smell. Kenan was like an artifact that had not lost its appeal despite being neglected. Austin's hand reaches out to touch Kenan even though he can't have him.
With just a fingertip, Austin felt Kenan's breath hit his skin softly, in an instant Austin felt his whole skin was filled with warmth.
One whisper produced a string of words, "If loving a man was as easy as loving a woman, in just one second after I realized my feelings, I would immediately express them to you. No matter how much scorn and hatred you would give me in return for my love."
" ... "
"From long after you left ten years ago, that's when I realized my feelings. From the first time I saw you, I never hated you. However, it was my self-hatred that made me make you the outlet of that hatred. I hated that I was never free to choose the things I wanted. However, now that I'm a grown man, I can choose my own path. However, I can't just ignore the promise I made to Helena. I don't want to lick my own saliva, and become a traitor to my family."
It took a while for Austin to regain his composure after telling Kenan what he had to say even though the man just didn't respond to any of the words that came to him from Austin's lips because he was still lulled into unconsciousness.
A slow enveloped sigh escaped him as soon as Austin heard the sound of a car engine coming. The man rose from his seated position on the edge of Kenan's bed towards the exit with slow, silent steps as the fur carpet muffled the sound of his footsteps.
As soon as the door closed a pair of eyes that had been closed slowly opened, his eyelashes fluttering looking at the closed bedroom door. Kenan hadn't slept, he had hardly slept at all since even after that delayed night at the hotel. There was no definite bedtime for Kenan anymore. Every night all he did was think about Austin. The man always forced himself to sleep late and wake up early in the middle of his busy day.
Kenan opened his eyes again. He didn't want to see Austin's figure in his mind. So, when he opened his eyes, Austin's image became real even though only he was now lying alone in this room. Now Kenan was indecisive, indecisive about his purpose. Was he too weak for just one word of 'sorry' that came sincerely from the bottom of Austin's heart through his mouth and then reached Kenan's ears.
Never before had Kenan heard Austin speak his heart out with such lamentation. Changing his sideways position to lying down, Kenan closed his eyes again along with a slightly shaky breath buzzing in the silence.
Until now, every line of words that had been spoken seemed unable to fade away. Even now it has been recorded automatically in Kenan's heart. It was like a piece of story that hit the logic in the past between him and Austin that had turned into a sword. Tearing his heart, until it can no longer be used. Having a hope to find a new love is just irony.
*
Sunlight streamed in from behind the morning sky, filtering through the glass of Austin's room with the curtains drawn, waving in slow motion in the breeze. A coat perched carelessly on the sofa not far from the bed. The atmosphere was quiet, except for the quiet breathing of the person whose eyelashes were slightly trembling as his consciousness slowly gathered. After a while the pair of eyes finally opened.
"Are you awake?" The question from the woman lying on Austin's side turned the man's gaze to the owner of the sara.
A soft smile captured his vision-so look to the right. Austin only returned it with a faint smile. Last night after Helena arrived, he had only spoken a little with his wife, before deciding to go to bed first.
Still reluctant to get up even though it was 6:30 am, Austin closed his eyes again before he felt the activity of someone beside him. Making the man open his eyes again.
"I missed you," Helena whispered softly in Austin's ear.
Austin didn't answer. However, Helena smiled and crawled up his body. She kissed Austin's lips slowly trying to tease, but Austin was petrified.
After Helena's kiss broke away, Austin took a deep breath and Helena returned to kissing his lips briefly. She looked into Austin's dark bead-before bringing her lips back together and giving him a rather demanding kiss. While one hand clasped Austin's, bringing him to touch her breasts.
Before things could get any more intense, Austin brushed the top of her head with his long mane. Releasing the one-sided kiss from the woman who was his legal wife and said, "Now I'm not in the mood for that, rest more you might still be tired after returning from Paris."
Tired or not, but Helena just smiled in response to Austin's somewhat different demeanor this morning. Even when he first arrived last night. Austin only threw her a welcome smile, without his usual loving and affectionate peck. Even after they lay down on the bed, Austin only said 'good night' before closing his eyes.
Without saying anything afterward, Austin got up to head to the bathroom to clean himself up. All that was left in his wake was Helena who stayed pensively staring in the direction Austin had gone before the faint sound of the shower could be heard.
Austin rushed downstairs via the elevator. As soon as he arrived, the Kenan he was chasing was already outside, entering the taxi and driving away leaving Austin staring at his departure in front of the apartment building.
"Sir, are you waiting for Mr. Kenan? He left earlier." A security guard said to Austin who just stayed where he was.
"Yeah, I'm late again chasing after him."
***
Through a bored look, Austin sat staring at the date on his phone screen. Today was June 28th. The wedding date was August 7, a few days after his birthday. And when that day came, they would be exactly three years old. Austin and Helena, the two of them. The images of the two of them at the altar pledging their lives together came back unbidden.
Austin was about to laugh, but his laughter was stifled as his heart asked, what's so funny? Ending in the lines of his lips lifting slightly to form a bland smile at each corner.
On that day, Austin seemed to be wearing the thickest mask of his life. Smiling happily at the reporters and people who witnessed their wedding. In that regard, it wasn't just Austin who was wearing a mask, but Helena as well. He still remembers how she told him to cancel their wedding before going up the aisle. However, Austin refused. Now it seemed he regretted it, regretted his choice. He should have followed her choice, right?
Regrets always come too late. He had heard that one wise line too many times from several people, especially from his father's mouth. However, no matter how many times he heard it, Austin always replied, What happens happens, why regret it? There's no point.
He seemed to have fallen prey to his own words. Even after ten years had passed since Kenan's departure. He regrets why he didn't prevent the departure of the brother he didn't think of back then. Teenage Austin had grown up, but it was clear his choices were getting harder. Because he was never free to choose. Quoting and connecting words of wisdom with his words, 'Regret always comes later, what has happened has happened, there is no need to regret, there is no point' at a time when the clock of time can only turn forward.
"That woman, I can see she loves you, loves you very much. but I'm not sure your love is as great as hers for you. You must have realized that too, right? Even if she finds out you're sleeping with someone else, she won't be able to let you go."
Austin let out a long breath—Kenan's words rang through his mind again, echoing over and over again in his eardrums like a deliberate recording.
A knock on the door interrupted Austin's reverie and Kenan's words vanished in an instant as if blown away by the wind. Austin looked up from the phone screen to the door and said, "Come in."
The person who knocked earlier was Shofie. She laid out some documents as usual. Austin gave her a quick glance before putting the phone back and focusing on reading the documents on the table.
Shofie was his assistant, even before Austin officially became Director, their relationship was not as stiff as it is now before she became the fiancée of Wistara Group heir Brandon's only son. Brandon told Austin to keep his distance from her and so did Shofie. Although she was fed up with Brandon's attitude, she couldn't do much about it.
Shofie's figure still standing there made Austin finally look up and ask, "Do you have something to say?"
Immediately Shofie nodded, he said, "It's about your visit to Bandung, I... if you don't mind... I'd like to be replaced by someone else, and also, this person knows more about Bandung than me who has never set foot there," he suggested.
Austin seemed to think for a moment, his fingers holding the pen still before finally putting the pen down on the table and looking at Shofie seriously, "Who is it?"
Shofie felt her request was approved, so she didn't have time to answer before Austin quickly clarified his question, "Who will replace you to accompany me to Bandung?"
She eagerly replied, "Kenan Pradipta."
Whether he realized it or not, the smile on Austin's lips lifted slightly. The water on his face turned happy after Shofie recommended Kenan to replace him as his assistant while he went to Bandung. Not caring about his busy schedule as a manager, Austin immediately agreed. After all it's only for a few days and who's the boss? He can move up and down as he pleases, but when it comes to Kenan it seems Austin is a stickler for rules.
Now, with a happy face Austin looked at the woman who had served as his assistant for so long and said, "Shofie,"
Shofie looked at Austin in confusion at his boss's sudden change in demeanor. "Yes?"
"Take a few days off," Austin said with a smile.
Immediately, relief flooded Shofie's heart, previously she had thought she would be fired, it turned out that her guess was wrong. It was in fact something unexpected. She happily bowed her body to say goodbye and left her superior's room. At least for a few days Shofie had time to resolve her personal problems with Brandon that had not been resolved before.
*
Kenan frowned at the office window and found that the sky was already dark. He had the feeling that it was only a few hours ago after this morning that Austin kissed him on the cheek and left his room after he kicked him out by saying he would kick his ass if he continued to bother him.
While organizing his belongings and shutting down his laptop, Kenan felt the sound he had heard the other day. And sure enough, it was coming from his stomach.
It wasn't his wish when Kenan wanted to go home to rest his tired body. However, the worms in his stomach were crying out for food. He just rubbed his stomach while continuing to walk out of the building to head to a convenience store not far away, at least Kenan could buy a few packs of bread to temporarily satisfy his hunger.
It took about fifteen minutes of walking, Kenan had set foot in the convenience store and picked up a few packs of bread and a bottle of isotonic drink. While sitting at the round table in front of the convenience store, Kenan ate some of his bread and finished his drink.
Kenan's shot hit the mark; he tossed the empty bottle into the trash can not far from where he was sitting.
Turning his gaze to the night sky, Kenan could only blink as he realized that it was raining outside. What started as a small sprinkle and ended up as large drops pounding the streets, all happened in a matter of minutes. The sky didn't signal when he was about to cry, whether it was a happy cry or a sad cry, they were all pretty much the same, unpredictable.
Dozens of pedestrians began to scatter for shelter, and so did Kenan. A faint sigh escaped his mouth when he realized that the cell phone he kept in his jacket pocket had died from battery exhaustion, and he hadn't brought an umbrella.
In a confused mood, Kenan decided to lean against the front-side door of the department store just to wait for the rain to stop. Then, a hand from nowhere tapped him on the shoulder and he gasped in surprise. Someone with the same afterwork as him, only more expensive, wrapped his arms around Kenan's neck. His rather rough and forceful movement dragged Kenan from his position before a familiar voice buzzed in his ears to mingle with the rain.
"Let's go home!" Austin invited.
Inevitably Kenan was forced or perhaps compelled to follow where Austin was going, "Hey, stop grabbing my neck!!! You think it doesn't hurt?!" Kenan's voice complained in annoyance.
Austin just grinned widely without looking at Kenan's expression who was muttering about his neck hurting from his embrace. Their bodies were slightly wet, until finally Austin opened the umbrella that he had been holding in the rain.
The black umbrella would have been invisible in the middle of the night if not for the streetlights reflecting off it. Austin suggested Kenan hold it, and the man complied. In an umbrella, the two slender figures of Kenan and Austin walked side by side in the rain under the black umbrella. Their shoulders touching, their feet tread on the wet pavement in a synchronized gesture, recalling memories of the past that have never been forgotten, painted in the memories of each other's hearts and minds. However, all of her feelings spilled out like the rain that drenched the city of Jakarta.
"Kenan, I love you." A sincere statement fell from Austin's lips. However, it couldn't surprise Kenan because that night he had heard it directly from Austin even though Austin didn't know it.
The cold creeping through every corner of the body was ignored as the umbrella in Kenan's grasp slipped away, falling to the asphalt as Austin's cold lips kissed it roughly. The rain poured down on them completely, ignoring the onslaught of cold water washing the faces and bodies of both of them, even the stinging in their eyes was ignored.
The puddles on the asphalt flowed like a stream in a shallow river, unknowingly a passion in Kenan flowed with the water. Returning Austin's kiss several times, Kenan's heart skipped a beat. Suddenly, the longing that had once receded returned. It even vaporized all over his body.
Austin broke their kiss only to rush into Kenan's arms without a word because his throat was choked by a feeling he had been suppressing for years. A wide smile was etched on Kenan's lips as his arms returned Austin's embrace. However, their vision had blurred, leaving a slight sting in their eyes that made them unable to see each other's expressions.
"I love you too." Kenan's tears fell with the rain.
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