Summary:
So much trouble
Luz thought she was prepared for anything that came her way. After surviving an entire demon realm of flesh eating creatures, obsessed cultish witches, and the whims of a god like being with the mind of a six year old, there wasn't anything that she couldn't be ready for.
However, recent events have shown her that there were some things she was unable to counter, even with her new friend/wrestling cohort by her side. "Moon boy, this is sassy sorcerer, I got visual on the target, over."
"Sassy sorcerer, this is moon boy, why was my codename moon boy? Over."
"Because you're half alien and I needed a quick and easy one to remember, over." Luz reminded him.
"Okay, and why are we talking like we're on walkie talkies when we're five feet away from each other, over?"
"Dramatic effect." Luz deadpanned. "You really don't have a flare for the awesome, do you?"
"I'm rusty. Being dragged into space constantly has been a killer on my imaginative side." Steven signed.
"You'd think that would increase it." She muttered. "Anyway, I can see her talking on the phone, but my lip reading skills aren't the best."
"Oh, now this I'm fully prepared for." Steven smirked as he took a peak from the ledge they were spying from. "I had to learn this skill whenever Star or Ponyhead tried to be extra sneaky and pull a prank on me. Mostly used it to avoid getting in trouble with mom though."
"Well don't just sit there, what's she saying?" Luz asked, super curious.
"Um … 'she set the coffee on fire fifteen times this week alone'?" He blinked, turning to her with questioning eyes.
"Half the stuff I ate in the boiling isles either tried to eat me back or was burned beyond all recognition." Admittedly, she got used to the smokey charcoal flavors after three weeks.
He shook his head, focusing back on her mom. "Now she's saying 'he sounds like a handful' … I am not a handful!"
"Ssssh, be quiet!" She shouted her whisper and dragged him down from the ledge. "We're supposed to be doing this incognito. I know this is a weird thing for the both of us, but we have to stay subtle."
"Alright, subtle mode, activated." He whispered as he peaked again. "Now she's saying, 'oh nothing, the kids are just spying on me again…'" Steven slowly lowered himself and slapped himself in the head. "I would be the world's worst spy if I get caught this easily."
"Probably still better than me. Literally almost everything I did on the boiling isles was monitored by Belos, so I almost never had the element of surprise." She sighed at the two of them just leaned against the wall. "Was it this weird for you when you started hanging out with your mom's family?"
"Absolutely, I had a lot of awkward moments." He sighed. "Mostly because they kept trying to call me Steven at first."
"... It was weird because they called you by your name?"
"I grew up being called Quartz all my life. Apparently it was my middle name the whole time and no one knew." He explained. "It was only after a series of emotional episodes, one of which was fusing with one of my best friends, that I finally accepted it."
"Accepting yourself is important." She smiled at him. "People always called me weird and too much, it was only when I got to the boiling isles I made legitimate friends."
"I can get that. I've always been weird and always liked it, but it's only when I started acting, in layman's terms, 'human' that my friend group grew." He chuckled. "Then again, half the people I befriended have tried to kill me."
"Dude, same here. Willow on accident, Amity on purpose twice, Gus once by omitting lying, Hunter several times, Lilith when she tried to trap Eda, Hooty even once or twice attacked me when I got mud on me." She chuckled. "Just be glad Rose is gone, trust me when I say nothing is more awkward than your two moms meeting."
"Can't be any more awkward than her technical 'daughter' coming in and wanting to make out with anything with a face." Steven laughed. "So are we just going to have to face the fact that your mom and my dad like each other?"
"Until the wedding day." She nodded. "I need to write 'flower girl' off my bucket list, and Willow and Hunter still haven't done anything past the blushing and looking away phase." How could they be so ignorant of the affections of the other?
"Oh, I actually have a binder filled with wedding plans I've been wanting to work on." Steven told her. "Thought it would be just for Star's, but then one idea became two, and it ballooned into a three foot thick book."
"Well I mean we have a lot of single friends, it's gotta be good at some point, right?" She paused. "... Maybe not Hooty." She didn't need the image in her head.
"Heh, looks like we have some planning to do." Her friend smiled. "Like my dad always says, if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hotdogs."
"Your dad is the wisest being in all the realms." She nodded seriously. Seriously, it was awesome she was gonna get a little bro like this.
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Out of everything Rhombulous expected to happen today, being annoyed by the Queen of darkness was not on his itinerary. "The answer is no!" Rhombulus shouted. "I am not going to unfreeze Globgor!" He had been asked the fifteenth times today, he was losing patience.
"Please." The dark queen pleaded with him.
"It doesn't matter if you say please a million times!"
"What about a million and one times?"
"You're really making me regret not just refreezing you back at the trial." The century old rock headed man deadpanned at the queen. "Out of respect for Steven's family, I came when you asked, but you should know by now what you're asking is completely off the table!"
"And I thank you for coming here, gem buddy." Steven nodded. "However, may I say, nobody here has raised a point about 'why' he should or should not be released?"
He stared at Steven, before pointing at a red painting. "Did Globgor like that piece of art?"
"He said it was one of his favorites, a self made work." Eclipsa nodded.
He walked over to it, letting the snake blow away the dust under it. "Read." He told Steven.
Curious, the boy walked over, looking at the title. "'The bodies of my enemies …'" He blinked. "That … could mean anything."
"It has the smell of Mewman blood." Leftie spoke up.
"…Eclipsa, before he became a vegetarian, just how many people did he eat?" Steven looked at the woman worriedly.
"Well …" The queen got a nervous look. "Considering my mother was declaring genocide against monsters … I wouldn't say 'that' many."
"Oh crap, oh crap.." His gem buddy was looking nauseous trying to come up with any reasonable and rational way to look past the horrible reality. "Those people...were they important?"
"Globgor was notorious for plaguing the Spider bite kingdom for decades. When he wasn't eating the citizens, he was sending his minions to burn the kingdom to the ground." Rhombulus bluntly answered.
"Oh, who doesn't have a dark past they wish to put behind them." Eclipsa waved off.
"After Shastican, he threw a mountain into their castle." Rhombulus retorted. "By that point we finally crystallized him … took a long ass time to move him to the castle though." He turned to the former prince. "So yeah, even going by the fact I've helped with some messed up stuff, you can see why I'm reluctant to ever release the bastard in any circumstance."
Steven sweated, likely knowing that any chance at saying otherwise would be next to impossible. "Eclipsa, could you honestly say without a doubt that he would never, ever eat another living being under any circumstance?"
"… Well if they threatened Meteora I would be pretty compelled to eat them myse-"
"How can you never help your own case?" The boy groaned, head in his hands. "I want to help you, I really do, but you make it so, so hard."
"Maybe if she wasn't such a crappy Queen I'd be more inclined to hear her out." Rhombulous muttered.
"I just … want my family together." She sighed. "I have the chance with Meteora … and I wanted to give it to Globgor too."
"Look, you have…some…and I mean SOME…of my sympathy for all the crap that's been pulled, but everything around Mewni has stunk worse than an unflushed toilet ever since you took the crown again." Rhombulous said exasperated. "Most of the Mewmans, the people YOU'RE responsible for, are homeless now. Give me a legitimate reason why you haven't done anything other than give monsters room to move about."
"I'm the queen of Mewni, not the queen of Mewmans. I am not going to care for people that refuse to stick around to begin with." She argued. "I've also been busy on other projects, like the restoration of the old book. Star still has the technical new book after all."
"And let me tell you, I've never had so much free time!" Everyone turned to see the forever unhelpful sight of Glossaryck, clipping his toenails as he rested right by Globgore's crystal. "It's so nice when a plan comes together."
"… You think if I boost your magic enough we could crystallize him?" Steven pondered aloud.
"We can only hope, gem buddy, we can only hope." He sighed before going back to the Queen of Darkness. "And do you really think anyone's going to trust you with the spellbook again?" With all the dangerous, reality shattering spells that Eclipsa had thankfully never learned.
Eclipsa sighed. "No … no I don't. I've tried everything, but I'm not a creative soul. All my techniques are learned from the world around me. I can't do what Star does and pull something out of thin air."
"Really, but you have a whole chapter of dark magic." Steven asked.
"Many of which are dark inversions of previous existing magic." The Queen went on. "I've had to just use the spells from others. From the past queens, to the gems, traveling cultists, and even the boiling isles … where I learned this!" The queen tossed her wand into the air, letting it spin. "Bodyswap!"
"What the.." A cold and invasive feeling came into him, and suddenly he felt his face have about five different holes where there should have been none. "What did you do!?" He shouted to … HIM!?
"I took your body!" The imposter shouted. "If you won't free Globgor, I'll do it myself!"
"Oh you dirty scum of the netherworld!" He shouted from the body of Eclipsa. "Steven, stop her!" He pointed to his body.
"Um … sorry, I'm righty." The boy laid on the ground. "I have so many limbs, but no clue how to use them .." They muttered.
"Wait, if he's in there, then that means …" They all looked down at the snake hands, one of which looked uncomfortable.
"I HAVE NO ARMS!" His gem buddy shouted from his limbs … from Eclipsa's limbs … agh! This was confusing as hell already! Times like this really made him hate magic.
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Lapis whistled a tune as she walked down the wrecked halls of the destroyed and rubble filled castle that she had come to call home for the better part of the year. "Yikes, Meteroa really did a number on this place."
"Yes, but it's still standing proudly." The former queen smiled. "It's had generations of magic queens, it's going to take a few more hits for something like aragong maniac to tear it down." She patted a pillar … which collapsed, breaking down a series of walls like dominos.
Lapis whistled. "As a terraformer, take my advice, you have a decent hand for demolition."
"I always assumed my daughter inherited that trait from her father…nice to see I have more in common with my family than I thought." Moon sighed. "Perhaps it's for the best we're moving out, clearly the path of destruction would only grow if we'd continue being here."
"You've got a point, this place just seems to spawn the craziest of villains." She muttered. "So what are we grabbing again?"
"Some of my personal belongings from my old room. Just because I may be a commoner now doesn't mean I'll let perfectly functional dresses and gowns become rat food." Guess some of the high class life was still inside of her.
"I don't get it, we have magic, can't we just start spawning stuff out of thin air?" Lapis asked.
"Not exactly. I'm not as creatively minded as Star, so to just create summons whenever I want would take large amounts of mental prowess. Besides, one of the most important lessons I've learned from my mother was that Magic can more often than not be a crutch." The queen sighed. "Not even the most powerful magic in the world can replicate the taste of a homemade pie."
Lapis hummed, opening a room. "As someone who rarely eats, I can see that." She said, walking in and looking through the drawers. "I found some baby clothes in here."
"Aww, those were the ones I passed down to Star." The Mewman remembered fondly. "Not even a month in and I had to practically wrestle her into her nightwear for an hour. Anytime I did she ripped it, and then I'd have to spend another hour sewing it back together." She looked through more of the rubble, taking out a dusty wooden instrument. "And this was the first guitar I used when I was tutoring Steven. He memorized almost every string in two hours. Such simple times."
"This place means a lot to you, doesn't it?"
"Of course. I know the cover up muddles things quite a bit, but I'm still proud to call myself a Butterfly. It was an honor to live here like the other queens before me." Moon's eyes widened as she quickly went down another hall, one that was filled with torn pictures of various women with differing cheek marks in each one. "Where is it, where..aha." She gazed at one with a lightly purple-haired woman, one holding a small blue haired child. "A bit worn, but she's still standing."
"What's this one?" Lapis asked, gazing at the paintings.
"A picture of me and my mother …" Moon lightly touched the painting. "She used to tell me tales of peace, and swing sweet melodies to help me rest …" She swiped away an incoming tear. "I suppose she's the reason why I never dissuaded Steven's optimism for peace as he grew up. Oh stars, what would she think of me and the choices I've made?"
Lapis stood silently for a second. Even before the mirror thing, she wasn't never that particularly close to anyone. She enjoyed a cushy life doing her job, and got to chat with other Lapis's whenever she felt bored, so attachment wasn't her strongest trait to begin with. "Well, if she truly cared for you, she'd know you've been doing your best with the difficult hand you were dealt with…and be happy you grew to have a family of your own."
Moon sniffled. "Thank you … I needed to hear that." The woman held her tightly, which Lapis returned with a hug of her own. Was this what it was like for Rose? Just helping the queens one after another and bonding with them?
"So, how was seeing the place one last time?"
"It's … nice." Moon let go, looking at the paintings. "A stroll through memory lane before I leave behind this crazy place." She let out a weak chuckle. "Who knows what disaster could pop up out of nowhere." A red portal opened in front of one of the paintings. "... Maybe Steven inherited it from me?"
"Makes sense. No one could be that naturally unlucky." Lapis readied her giant water fists for anything that could possibly come out…which probably wouldn't have done squat because a familiar purple headed buff psycho came out of it, riding on top of the bitch she used to be fused with.
"Man, the Neverzone was just what I needed! Nothing but victory after victory getting rid of horrible monster scum." The crazy woman looked down, a savage grin on her face. "Oh, water girl. Just what I needed to start my rise back."
"Who, hold off for just a second!" Moon raised her arms as she took a step forward. "Mina, what are you doing?"
"Hm?" The savage looked down on her confused, before getting a goofy smile on her face. "Oh, Queen Moon! Almost didn't recognize you without the crown on. Are you doing something with your hair." She shrank back down to the skinny and weak looking form she normally had. "Man, isn't this quite the nostalgia trip, and super convenient for me too!"
"I, just, what's going on here!?" She shouted.
"Oh, let me break it down." Mina spoke, placing her hand on the former queen's shoulders. "I want you to help restart the Solaria program."
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Eclipsa, back in her own body, rubbed Steven's back. "It was so disturbing … all I could do was wiggle and everything was so cold." He looked to the sentient limbs of Rhombulus. "I was sympathetic to your plight before, but just being you for five minutes…it was truly hell."
"Meh, it's cool." The left hand waved off. "Thing about being cold blooded is that we get plenty of body heat from Rhombulus when we're not fighting someone."
"The only real downside is being stuck with this lunkhead 24/7." Righty added on. "You want to talk about hell, try listening to his memoir. It's not even dull enough to make you sleep."
"I don't like you guys either." The gem man accused, before looking at her. "The only reason i'm letting THIS slide is because I got to experience what it was like to be a normal Mewman with free arms for a change … even if it was as a woman." He stared at his reptilian limbs once more and sighed. "But yeah, I am never, ever, EVER going to let him out. In fact…" Rhobulous blasted the crystal containing her husband, and encased it in ever more crystal. "There, now it's twice as impenetrable as before."
"Was that really necessary?" Eclipsa groaned.
"Yes, because I feel the need to rub salt on the wound for the crap you just pulled." The mhc member turned around and raised a snake limb that she was half certain was him trying to flip the bird at her. "See yah, Gem buddy. Call me when we don't have to deal with your horrible grandma-aunt figure."
Eclipsa could only give the most appropriate response that could've been made at that very moment: sticking out her tongue and going 'nwah' while his back was turned. "There's a reason why he's the most annoying member on the council after Raynoldo." She scoffed as she continued to console Steven, still shivering from his ordeal. "Are you alright dear?"
"Oh, let me see. I've had to accept my dad is into another woman enough to want to date her, who also happens to be the mom of one of my friends, spend an hour getting stuck in-between two grown adults arguing like children, and have my soul get violated for the third time in my life as I spent another half hour in the body of a snake that was also a limb." Steven turned to her and cracked his neck as he did so, his eye red and his youthful demoner full of stress and anger. "Oh, I just feel so peachy!"
"I know that's sarcasm, so how about I go grab us some tea and-"
"I don't want tea!" He shouted. "I don't want biscuits, I don't even want treats! I thought you were a good person!" He shouted. "I trusted you and thought we had an understanding!"
She stared at him for a minute. "I never said I was good or evil, I just said I'd do anything for my family. I let you and Star judge me after." She reminded him.
"Ugh, I am so tired of having to deal with moral grayness." He slapped his forehead. "Do you just like being sneaky and mischievous? I get that you don't care what people think about you, and I admire that, but is it worth it when a lot of people get hurt along the way?"
"When I had the spellbook in my youth, my main concern was crafting magic that would benefit me above all else." She woefully admitted. "That's partially why I'm seeking to restore it. I may be a Queen, but I'm not a particularly good one. I'm not as selfless as you or Star are."
He just groaned, flopping onto the ground. "How do you even plan on restoring it anyway, writing down spells from memory?"
She laughed. "Oh no, Glossaryck's bugs can restore almost anything from the smallest of pieces." She explained.
"Right now they're working on a new pair of pants!" He called out from behind the wall.
"If I just had a single piece I could fix everything. Skywyne's spells to restore crops, Comets for tasty treats, Festiva to … let's be honest, fix the mood." She admitted, turning to him. "Have you and Star found a piece, even the smallest page?"
"No." The boy said almost immediately, very suspiciously fast. "We haven't seen it. Star tried to use the all seeing eye to find it when Ludo stole it." She internally sighed, knowing it was a huge order to expect him to help her after her latest stunt. "But I've read Skywyne's chapter all the time, I can show you how to do some of the spells."
"That would be lovely Steven." She smiled, turning to her Globgor. Maybe not now, but soon … she just needed to be patient.
"Hey…when you were in the crystal, did you dream?" Steven asked as he looked at the crystal too.
"No … it's like the time you all had your souls sucked out." She said, "One minute you're glaring at your captor, the next moment you're somewhere else … I woke up to see Rose and Moon asking me for the spell, and only learned there it was three hundred years later."
"Alright…so it's like your mind is frozen." Steven continued to do own. "What if, let's say, the queen of Mewni and a gem hybrid were to try and dreamwalk into a crystallized mind?"
She blinked at that. "I … never tried." She admitted. "I wanted the first thing he saw to be Meteora crawling along the ceiling … his heart would have melted."
"Yeah, that's definitely something any parent would want to see." Steven nodded. "If you ever want to talk to him, just call me and we can give it a try."
"I would love that." She gave the boy a hug. "Thank you Steven."
"Just … promise you'll stop trying to do crazy things for a long while, okay?" Now that was a tall order. Crazy and the Butterfly family were synonymous. Eclipsa thought the kids would've learned that by now.
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Moon was floored by the question before her. "What?" The eerie silence of the ruined castle only made it more awkward.
"I know what you're thinking. 'But all the other's went crazy and eventually died from the horrible and painful process'. But I'm still here, hundreds of years later, I'm proof that it can be done right!"
"I know about the Solarian project." She read the chapter. "I'm asking why are you asking me to restart it. Last I heard you were trying to murder my children."
"Oh, you mean your dimwitted daughter and that amnesic Rose's new form?" Mina looked at her funnily.
Moon raised her palm, letting magic glow through it. "Don't you dare insult them, do you understand me!?"
"Okay, okay, maybe insulting your daughter was a bit much, she's still a Butterfly, as deluded as she is." The old warrior muttered that last part. "I know that as of late, my track record around Mewni has been…sporadic. I get sent to a therapist, he throws himself into a bottomless pit. Mewni gets invaded by monsters, I'm on earth plotting revenge. But above all else, I am a knight of Mewni! I cannot stand by as the Monster filth and Rose's propaganda corrupt our lands!"
"You're a little late on that front." Lapis said. "We went through the multiverse, the so-called 'monsters' are literally doing as they please with their limited interdimensional travel … if Hekapoo wasn't so stingy with her scissors we could do a lot more."
"Aha, that's where we get to the good part! We don't just stop at Mewni!" Mina started to get as giddy as Star would on a sugar high. "The Ponyheads, the Lucitors, I've seen it personally, they'll turn traitor the moment it's convenient for them, so we invade their kingdoms too! And then after that, we go through every world in every dang universe and eradicate every single horned, tailed, fanged, and weird looking body we come across!" She started petting her spikey beast. "Isn't that right Jasper, we'll finally have a clean universe where everything goes right and nothing can hurt you!"
Moon starred in shocked silence, clearly underestimating this woman's insanity. "You are delusional!" She shouted. "At one point I was fine with keeping monsters out of the kingdom, but wiping them from the multiverse is just … just … genocide!"
"Actually, xenocide." Lapis answered. "She's even worse than gems at this rate. At least they respect their enemies."
"Pffft, why have respect for something you're just going to trample on the corpse of?" Mina laughed as the beast she was riding on seemed to look amused as well. "That's what Solaria taught me! These creatures are unnatural abominations of nature, so we're doing them the favor of putting them out of their misery before they cause anyone else any more trouble."
"They aren't causing trouble now, they're just living!" She pointed out of the window.
"They're plotting attacks against the throne, and forcing the Mewmans out of their homes with the bitch of a new queen!" She accused them. "And not only that, they have 'protectors' that try to stop me every time I enact justice. Humans, Mewmans, Gems, and your children! They stop me any time I try to bring evil to its heel. I swear, Rose is just faking amnesia with how they act." The woman actually had the gall to bow respectfully. "In my eyes, you're still the Queen of this land. Please, do it for your people, for your mama…"
"Don't you dare speak my mother's name!" Moon cut her off, before taking a minute to breathe. There was a slight chance she could deescalate the situation before it could get worse. "You have done so much for the kingdom, and our family, but you're not well Mina. We can get you the help you need, but you need to stand down."
"I don't need help, I need to help others." She spoke with worry filled eyes. "If this keeps up your daughter will fall down a dark path. She's already letting monsters live, and she's teaming up with that amnesiac Rose."
"Would you stop insulting my son!?" She told her coldy. "He is Steven, he is not Rose!"
"But he preaches all her ideology!" Mina tried to defend. "'Solaria was bad, Monsters are good, The Commission is cruel, Eclipsa was right.' It's insulting to all Mewman kind!"
"Just because one says the same things doesn't make them the same person!" Moon realized that THIS was what her children had to deal with almost constantly. "And both Rose and Him have a point! I was wrong to act how I did when I became Queen, and if I could take it back, I would!"
The old warrior stared at her blankly, before turning to a wall and smashing it to pieces. "I'd thought you'd actually be different." Mina looked at her with disappointment. "Where's that passion burning inside of you when Toffee sent your mama into a wooden casket?!"
"That wasn't passion, that was hatred! That was anger, and spitefulness, and it was growing and growing until it very well consumed me!" Moon yelled back at her once long time family ally. "I nearly lost both of my children due to it, and I won't let it consume me again!"
Mina had tears in her eyes, staring at a painting of Solaria. "... I'm sorry my queen … I'm so sorry … it seems as if this family …" Before she could even blink, Loveberry's hand was on her face. "Has been completely corrupted ." And began to squeeze hard enough she could FEEL the cracks in her skull.
"GET AWAY FROM HER!" A stream of water shot at them, knocking the knight away.
"Ugh! I don't have time for this!" Mina shouted as she called her beast. "You'd better watch your back from now on! I'm coming after you're ENTIRE family, and believe me…!" The woman rode atop the orange beast and ran off. "You'll never see it coming!"
"Alright, that's it." Moon muttered to herself. "We have got to convince the council to freeze her." She was not going to be dealing with a psychopath like this on the daily.