Summary:
Too good indeed
"So … you stole Rhombulus's body." Star muttered, looking at Eclipsa with distrust. "And stuck Steven inside of a snake." Given that she was still waiting on the house to be built and still needed to watch over Eclipsa, she supposed it was for the best that they were having breakfast with the Queen of darkness. How convenient that today was also scheduled for a royal monster brunch.
"The latter part was an accident, I can assure you." The queen explained. "Although honestly, it was my fault for never testing it before."
"I could've saved all of us the trouble by telling you body switching is terrible to begin with." Steven had attention solely focused on his waffles. "Luz told me about the time her witch teacher did the exact same spell. Horrible and embarrassing hijinks ensued."
"Oooh, someone's already getting along with their new sister?" Star teased as she stuck a fork into her stack of sausage.
"You know by extension this makes her your sister too." He reminded her.
"... Hold on …" She started messing with her hands. "We have Moon, she has Ms. Noceda and Eda, along with her aunt Lilith … that makes four adult women we can't get stuff done around." She paled. "I can never get away with anything ever again!"
"I think the last two are criminals, but I see your point." Her bro sighed. "When did having a family start getting so complicated?"
"I always thought it was complicated." Eclipsa chuckled. "Imagine me, your mother wants the genocide of all monsters while your lover is the closest thing monsters have to a king."
"Definitely sounds like things would get awkward at the dinner table." Star admitted. "I guess we're lucky on the front of our family being accepting of crazy friends and stuff."
"Yeah, just imagine if we had to deal with Aunt Etheria as a mom." Steven shuddered. "The second worst person imaginable to have as a parent."
"Something one should always be aware of is that no matter how horrible a situation may be, there's always some way for it to be worse." Eclipsa nodded as she stared at the mostly empty table. "Like how hopefully all the monsters I invited are just running late rather than being dead."
"Wouldn't we all be better off for it though?" A familiar sarcastic voice made itself known as Manfred, one of her family's longest serving servants came out with a golden china bowl of Oatmeal.
"Manfred, you're working for Eclipsa?" Star raised her eyebrow in confusion. "I thought you hated monsters."
"I do. But I like having money just a little bit more." He shrugged. "Full disclosure, I would have worked for Ludo when he took over if the pay was better."
"You can always trust a man who puts away his pride for a stable job." The queen smiled, taking a bite of her oatmeal. "And he's an excellent coo-" She stopped talking … on the account of turning into stone.
"Ahhhh! Eclipsa!" She and Steven shouted as they turned to their now stone covered Grandma figure.
"She's been poisoned!" Star shouted. "Or cursed, or something!"
Steven ran straight at her. "Please be poison, please be poison." He licked his hand, slapping her stone covered body, which soon cracked. "I KILLED HER!" And broke … revealing the queen perfectly healthy. "SHE'S ALIVE!"
"Whoa, what just happened?" Eclipsa looked confused, a few pops in her back were heard as she stretched herself out. "I feel weirdly refreshed. I never knew just how important breakfast really was."
"You got turned to stone as soon as-" Star stopped talking, looking at the food. "The oatmeal …" She glared at Manfred, her arm glowing.
"Hey, I may spit in the food, but I never resort to assassination….unless I was paid well enough, but I wasn't!"
"Oh really?" She glared. "Then I guess you don't mind being promoted to food tester?"
"No, I really doubt it was him." Steven said. "Eclipsa's list of enemies is waaaay too long to be the guy she pays."
"Besides, he'd have to carve out a huge chunk of his check to gather Yadda Yadda Berries." Another slightly less familiar voice said, and in came Glossaryck lazily floating into the room like he was swimming in water. "These are super hard to grow." He grabbed one of the supposed berries. "But if you can get past the turn to stone part." He took a bite, turning into stone and fell to the ground…before turning to normal again. "They're really delicious."
"I do admit it has a nice charm to-" Steven grabbed the bowl and tossed it out the window. "... It was just a joke … mostly." Eclipsa chuckled. "It seriously got the knot I've had in my back ever since I was freed from the crystal."
"Eclipsa, this is serious! Someone just tried to kill you!" Star tried to emphasize the importance of such a dire situation.
"Who hasn't? " She asked, looking like she was joking, but there was a serious edge in her voice. "At this point I let it roll off as much as Steven rolls off his death and stacking head damage."
The boy sighed. "I really need to see a doctor at some point."
"Isn't your father's new girlfriend a doct.."
"Can we just act like we don't know anything about that?" Steven interrupted before shaking his head. "Your lack of concern aside, we still need to figure out who did this. If they did it once, they could do it again, and we might not be around with healing spit the next time."
"Yadda Yadda Berries … are they illegal?" Star asked.
"Super illegal, which is a shame. The pie your grandma made out of it for me was divine." Glosseryck chuckled. "They're hard to find, harder to grow, and even harder then to keep to yourself, because once people know you have him, they're in demand."
"Then we need to search the black market." Steven nodded, before he got a notable glint in his eyes. "Wait, if this was an assassination attempt, then there is someone that we can get to point us in the lead."
"Oh yeah, there is!" Star began dialing on her phone. "It's so weird that assassins can just post their address online without problems. Now where in the world are you now, Rasticore?"
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Rose…huh, maybe she should think about changing that name something…watched the cloudy skies roll by, resting on the roof of the barn. "Glad you let me stay here Peridot, the temple was getting weird … especially with Pearl." She kept looking at her like a ghost.
"Not a problem. My home is welcome to traitors of all kinds, no matter their cut." The green gem nodded with a small smile. "It'll be nice to have more company around. Lapis. Marco, and Ponyhead come by often enough, but I've yet to truly experience what it feels like to have a roommate."
"I had a thousand if you count bubbles." Rose said.
"I count bubbles, it's like a zombie." Spoke … a human with a beanie. "So I finally get to see a new gem in action. The last one we got was Peridot, and honestly she was a bit of a disappointment in the fun personality department."
"I'm sure you can find someone else to commit various crimes against humanity with." The green gem spoke sarcastically.
"I kind of do that with Pony Head occasionally." Lapis said as she flew over them. "It's what I do in between listening to Steven's venting and plotting with Moon, though it's mostly limited to making Marco step in puddles so his socks end up soggy."
"I swear, one day we will make the boy snap." The human cackled. "... But seriously, it's not fair. Steven has you, Star has Rose two, and Marco has Peridot. Me and Kelly are the only OGs without a Gem under our redemption belt."
"I never actually changed, just don't see a point in doing homeworld work when every gem off of earth hates me." The pink gem clarified. "Also never really talked to the blonde girl, she just grabbed my bubble out of hundreds."
"I mean it still kinda sorta counts. Ever since they went to live on Mewni and started going to space, it feels like I've been playing second fiddle to their adventures." The sole human in the area groaned. "Like I'll sometimes join in for the big emotionally fueled fights, and Quana gets called whenever we need to kick it up a notch, but I'm never taking the lead in a mission or anything." She huffed. "And I don't think I can count on them joining me in my grand coup to finally become the mob boss of Beach Creek's black market."
"I'd join you if it'd make you feel better." Lapis offered.
"I just want to know who colors an entire store black." Peridot stated with confusion.
"What's a store?" Rose asked.
"Thanks for the offer, but that still means I'm out of luck when it comes to the gem redemption thing." She looked up to the sky. "Oh Universe, give me my own gem to redeem, will ya!?" A meteor crashed next to Jana, the smoke clearing after a moment to reveal a Ruby soldier. "... And a million bucks?"
"Huh, guess these guys never left Earth's orbit." Lapis stated with a dark look as she created a hand out of water. "Let's see I can throw this one past the moon at least."
"No, no, wait! I don't want to fight anymore!" The little red gem, who's gemstone was placed in the navel region, held her hands up defensively.
"Oh, so you're friendly?" Rose asked with curiosity.
"AAHH! The leader of the Crystal Gems!" The Ruby shouted. "I'm doomed!" Steven was right, that was super annoying.
"No, same type, different facet." Peridot cleared up. "The Rose Quartz you're currently thinking of no longer exist on this plane of existence."
"Oh … so it's just another version." She nodded. "That's a relief … I've come in peace." She waved her hands. "I just wanna find the other Rubies."
"And gather up your forces so you can try and kill us again? I don't think so." The lapis prepared to form her water into something spikey. "I say we'll bubble you until we get one of the others…"
"Or we can do the fun job for once and make sure she's on the up and up." The human causally pushed the Ruby out of harm's way. "Come on, the other's have a good track record at this sort of stuff, and you're all reformed gems too, it shouldn't be that hard."
"I'm reformed because Homeworld tortured me." Lapis retorted.
"I'm reformed because Yellow Diamond turned out to be illogical." Peridot added in.
"Again, I never really changed who I am." It was too much work to plan any kind of revenge anyways, especially if it was just by herself.
"Whatever, she's only one gem, and I'm pretty sure just one of us could poof her on a bad day." The human kept going. "So what's the harm in giving it a shot? And think about it, you can have another roommate you can rant to about your genius or whatever."
"Hmm …" Peridot stared at the red gem. "Well I do love my sense of superiority over inferior minds … very well, we'll 'give it a shot'."
"..Fine, but only because Steven's big on the second chance thing." Lapis rolled her eyes and retracted the water. "But I hold the right to rub it in your face when this inevitably bites us in the butt."
"I just got here, so I don't have any stake in this one way or another." Rose shrugged.
"Cool!" The girl smiled. "Don't worry little Ruby, we'll find your friends in no time!"
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" The Ruby hugged the girl by the leg. "You're clearly the best human that ever existed!"
"No that's Steven/Marco." … She watched the Lapis and Peridot turn to each other. "Steven/Marco." There seemed to be legitimate growls forming in their voices. "Steven/Marco!"
"So they're going to be there for a while I guess." Rose walked up to Ruby. Might as well get to know the new girl around town so she'd feel a little less out of place here. "So…how's Homeworld been the last six thousand years?"
"Alright. Yellow Diamond is the one mostly doing things." Ruby explained. "Blue has been mourning and White hasn't left the head."
"Ooof, sounds rough."
"It's fine. It's either having the fear of the Moon Goddess strike you every single second of every day or constantly crying for years on end. I think I got the better end of it all things considered." Hm…maybe being taken out of that zoo was better than she thought.
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Steven watched the depressed looking lizard walk through the town. "It's … this way …" He spoke very softly.
"Are you doing okay?" He asked. They had been walking into the more rural and run down side of town, a place Steven did pass by often enough, but never took the time to notice the more seedier aspects of it, such as the multiple shady and cloaked figures trading sacks of cash and weapons to each other. It was a miracle his innocence lasted this long.
"I … no." Rasticore admitted. "I'm five hundred years old; I can't regenerate for shit; my chainsaw broke, and after Meteora, no one is willing to hire me anymore." He explained. "Speaking of, word got out that we dated, and with her new age, people think I'm a pedophile."
"Yikes, that's rough." Star patted the man on the back. "I mean, I know you've tried to kill us before, but there's just some things no one should be forced to go through. I'm sure we can convince Eclipsa to pay you for your trouble."
"Hopefully so … waaay too late in my life to pick up a new job." He stopped at the end of the street. "Here's the gal I go to for poison. If anyone has Yadda Yadda Berries, they're your partner." He pointed to a stand labeled 'Apothecary Sherry'.
"Thanks Rasticore!" Star waved as they walked to the shop. "Good cop bad cop?"
"Sure thing, but let's make sure she actually sells it first." Steven said, approaching the woman. "Hello there, fair lady. Quite the lovely day we're having, aren't we?" Steven turned on his charm, making sure to increase the innocence in his eyes.
"Yes, quite lovely indeed." She giggled a bit. "The birds are chirping and the sun is shining. What more could a person ask for in these times?"
"On a day like this, I think what could make it perfect is a nice bowl of Yadda berries, don't you think?"
"Oh, a man of culture I see." She smirked. "Let me guess, an evil relative, girlfriend dumped you by note, or trying to kill off your therapist?" The woman was unnaturally good.
"So you are in the business of selling poison to the lowlifes of the land?" Star came in next, sliding right next to her, with a pair of shades to really sell the whole bad cop shtick.
"Well of course I am. I make ten thousand dollars a month with our current economy." She shrugged. "And with the knights indisposed by either working for Eclipsa or rebelling, lowlifes have it made. Just past that house you'll find the recently named shank corner."
"HELP ME! I'M BEING STABBED!" Someone shouted in the distance.
"It's an eat or be eaten world out there. I'm just making sure I get out on top without being bit." Sherry smirked.
As disturbing as this was, there were more important things to focus on at hand. "Look, Sherry was it? You seem like a nice girl. A natural entrepreneur if I've ever seen one." He continued the good cop with a relaxed pose.
"Aw, you're making me blush."
"Which is why we're giving you just ONE chance to give us the names of everyone you sold Yadda Yadda berries to." Star threatened as she lit up a rainbow fist. "Either you talk to us or my best friend mister fisty does all the talking for us
"Sorry, you're a cute kid, and a charmer, and the girl seems very violent, but client confidentiality is something Apothecary Sherry takes very seriously." She nods.
"And what if I … sweetened the deal." He slid something over to her using her own counter.
"... This is a coupon for Kofi Pizza … Mewni doesn't even have a Kofi Pizza." She deadpanned.
"Dang it, I hate being poor." Steven grumbled under his breath. "I suppose then we'll just have to pin the assassination attempt on the Queen of a Mewni on you then, since you're the only suspect we have now."
"...The Queen of Mewni you say …" She reached out, grabbing a berry. "Apothecary Sherry speaks to no one!" She shouted, eating the fruit in one go as she turned to stone.
"Wow, she Yadda Yadda'ed herself just like that with no hesitation." Star looked at the sight bewildered. "That's a disturbing level of dedication to your job."
"You said it." Steven nodded as she looked at the jars of Yadda Yadda juice that were on her cart. "I'll store these for later." He bubbled them and stored them away. "Luz did say she was experimenting with potions." He looked at the stone turned woman and licked his palm, slapping it on her rocky face.
She blinked after the rock broke away, looking over her own body with wonder and curiosity. "Did … did you cure me?" She asked.
"Yes, my saliva can cure anything." He answered off handedly. "Now how about I take you back to the-" She shoved her finger on his lip.
"I will give you every receipt in the past year for a gallon of your saliva!"
"Deal!" Star answered and shook Sherry's hand before he could say anything about it.
"Star!"
"What, this is the best non-violent way to get answers." His sister turned to him. "I'd thought you'd be over the moon for that."
"Yeah, but I get dry mouth easily." That happened a lot back when he and Kelly were constantly kissing each other. The only difference was that he got double his warmth in snuggling to make up for it.
"Well you better rehydrate. We've got a big jug to fill." This was going to be a terrible day … that list better be worth it.
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Jana held onto the edge of the ship as Navy cackled. "I'm going to tell them everything! That there's a Rose Quartz on Earth, that there's a mewman running around, and that my team was defeated by a rag tag group of gems!" She pointed at her. "Especially the one organic that launched me into space!"
"Oh shit, you actually remembered I did that." Jana realized that this may have been a futile effort to begin with.
"Of course I did! I had nothing but that image in my head as I floated in Earth's orbit for weeks!" She shouted with rage. "Watching you look at me with such despair as I betrayed you is delightful revenge!"
"I told you she was evil, but did you listen? nooo!" Lapis shouted, doing her best to also hold onto the ship.
"Oh shut it, you were just as easy to manipulate!" The Ruby accused. "All I had to do was keep bringing up 'best human', and you and the Peridot kept distracting each other for me!"
"Damn my need to prove that my subjective preferences are superior to everyone else's!" Peridot said as she held on to Jana.
"Seriously, tricking you people was a cakewalk. All I had to do was act playful and say nice things about the earth every once in a while and you just let me board your biggest advantage staying on this rock!" Navy laughed like a little maniac. "Honestly the Rose Quartz was harder to convince, if only for the fact she didn't actually have an investment in what I do."
Jana tried to plead with her. "You don't have to listen to Homeworld anymore you know? you're free to do what you want!"
"What I WANT!?" She turned. "What I want is to make you suffer for every action you ever took! We came for Jasper, who is probably shattered or experiencing some other worse fate, because you morons had to trick and oppose us!"
"But are you really satisfied with being some random foot soldier out of a million that could replace you!?" Peridot tried to argue.
"Yes, I am! I am content with my expendable life and live it by bonding with the Rubies around me, which you launched into space!" The little gall started lighting on fire. "I don't care if I die doing what I do, I get to do it with the people I care about the most in this whole universe!"
"... So talking you out of this is-" Navy simply smirked as she pushed a button, the door closing on her fingers, forcing Jana to let go … as she began to fall. "DAMN YOU RUBY!!"
"Hold on!" Lapis called out to them as she surrounded everyone in a big glob of water, which fell into the pool that Lapis was creating right beside the barn, which Rose was dipping her feet in, more or less ignorant of what happened.
"Hm?" The pink gem tilted her head as the rest of them swam to the surface. "Rough trip?"
"You have no idea …" Jana said, catching her breath. "I'm sorry about-"
"It's fine … I know the perfect way you can make it up to me." Lapis answered, getting out of the water. "Tell the gems why a Ruby is using our only ship to tell Homeworld everything by yourself."
"Really?"
"Yes really, because this was your idea to begin with." The blue gem groaned. "Why did you even want to redeem a gem? Aren't you better suited for fighting dirty or using voodoo to solve hard riddles and stuff like that?"
"Well yeah…I just…wanted to branch out a little. Try and..not look at something so bleakly all the time." Jana sighed. "I have a lot of optimistic friends, so I wanted to have some of that.
"Said optimistic friends keep getting crushed by reality." Lapis said. "They need someone to keep them grounded. Why don't you think I don't preach about peace and love?"
"Because you're a violent terraformer with abusive relationship issues coupled with over a millenia of traumatic imprisonment and trust deficiency." Peridot stated without any remorse.
"..You know you barely just got off my enemy list, you should try staying off of it."
"You're the one that asked!"
"I was being rhet..Gah, you're too literal!" Lapis groaned before turning back to her. "Because there's a balance between naivety and pessimism that we should have. Steven talks to me a lot, and he thinks of you as his best human friend as you are already. Don't you think that's for a reason?"
Jana sighed. "You're right, my bad." Maybe it was a bit much for her to try the mushy redemption stuff.
"Don't fret about it too much, not everyone can be as skilled as Marco in the rehabilitation process." Peridot nodded.
"You mean not as skilled as Steven, right?" Lapis argued again. "He's the one that stopped the cluster, clearly that makes him better."
"Marco fought for years in the Neverzone and can beat anyone in a match of wits." Peridot rambled. "Clearly he is the superior human."
Yeah … Jana better go talk to the gems, it seemed that they would be less violent than this escalation.
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Eclipsa watched as her two grandchildren gaped. They had brought her to the castle dungeons where they claimed the attempted assassin would be. This was only made confusing when it looked like half a town was inside of there. "Are you saying … ALL of you bought Yadda Yadda Berries for the intention of poisoning Eclipsa!?" Steven shouted.
The Mewmans all nodded without remorse. "She's a bad queen, and a monster lover."
"We hate her, and if you hate something, you get rid of it." A Mewman woman snarled.
"We would have just hired Rasticore, but have you heard how low that guy fell?" A man with chains asked.
"He is a monster too. We should've expected just as much from his kind."
"Do you all hear yourselves!?" Steven shouted, a small pink glow from his body. "You're talking about the murder of an individual!"
"Didn't you two kill Toffee?"
"That was Ludo, technically, sort of, agh!" Star pounded her head. "Look, I know that things have been rough for everyone since Eclipsa took the throne, but you're all conspiring to kill the Queen of Mewni! Do you really want that hanging over your heads for the rest of your lives?"
"I mean I still plan on poisoning her the moment I'm free." A man admitted. "It's a monster lover and the woman kicked us out of our homes. She's the worst queen since Dirhhenia, and that one just did nothing."
"You all just admitted to wanting to use a monster to kill her!" Steven screeched. "It's somehow okay when you do it for your own selfish reasons!?"
"We would have killed the monster after, it would have worked out." A woman assured them.
"There's no reasoning there's no reasoning there's no reasoning-" Star muttered a mantra to herself, black sparks emanating from her hands.
"They're free to go." Eclipsa stated.
"What?" The blackness from Star's hands disappeared. "But why…?"
"I've made quite a few mistakes in my life. Many of which were very costly." Eclipsa bowed. "I don't blame them for the lack of trust, or their desire for murder. I have much to do if I'm to earn their trust."
The group of Mewmans mumbled, walking out and leaving the group alone. "You can't be serious." Steven said. "One of them tried to kill you!"
"Steven, if I went out and killed everyone who tried to kill me, Mewni would be in desperate need of repopulation." She answered bluntly. "I'll worry about my own safety. It'll take a lot more than poison to bring me down."
"But they still hate you.." Star tried to counter.
"I don't need to be loved to be Queen." Eclipsa smiled contently. "I have my daughter and you two for that. My goal should be actually doing my job for once. I've been putting it off for the last three hundred years, it's about time I stop procrastinating."
"… Alright, if you say so." Steven said with a sigh. "You should really worry about your own health more." She and Star both sent him a look. "Oh like I'm the only one in this family that's careless about stuff like this."
"No, you're just the most durable and have been abused that far beyond any comfortable point." Star amended. "Seriously bro, you could use a beach day or something. I don't want any more cracks in your head."
"Maybe you both need it." She patted the children. "Your emotional stress is high Star, you need to stop worrying about Mewni too much before you explode."
"…Yeah, you're right." The girl finally relented. "Last thing I need to do on me and Marco's first date is bring all this crap crashing down on him."
"You're dating Marco?" Steven looked at his sister confused. "I don't know whether to say 'finally' with joy, threaten him to not screw it up, or be concerned that you went back to your old crush."
"That's the thing about family." Eclipsa smiled down on them. "You get to do all three at once."