Jake woke up to the sound of explosions. Again.
For a brief, blissful moment, he thought it was just another insane part of this world—like the currency being spicy tuna coupons or his Vice President being a sentient vending machine. But no. This was different.
His assistant, a nervous man named Greg, burst into the room, on fire.
"Mr. President! The world is at war!!" Greg screamed.
Jake blinked. "Greg. You're literally burning."
"Oh, right." Greg casually grabbed a cup of coffee from the table and poured it over his head. The fire sizzled out. "As I was saying—WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!"
Jake groaned and got up. "Who started it this time?"
Greg looked at his clipboard. "Uh… everyone."
THE WAR OF ABSURDITY
The Situation Room was pure chaos. Generals shouted, maps burned, and for some reason, someone had brought in a goat wearing a military uniform.
"The Eastern Empire has deployed giant mechs!" yelled one general.
"The Northern Alliance is summoning eldritch horrors!" screamed another.
"The West has activated their weaponized Karens!" Greg added.
Jake sat down. "Okay, let's slow down—"
BOOM. The roof exploded, and a soldier fell from the sky, landing face-first on the table. He lifted his head weakly.
"Sir… the penguins have joined the fight."
Jake frowned. "The—what?"
"The Battle Penguins of Antarctica! They've allied with the Cyber-Ninjas of Japan!"
Jake rubbed his temples. "So what you're telling me… is that right now, the entire world is fighting in the dumbest war of all time?"
Greg nodded. "Yes, Mr. President."
Jake sighed. "Of course they are."
ENTER: THE VILLAINS
The doors suddenly burst open. A deep, dramatic voice filled the room.
"YOUR REIGN ENDS TODAY, FALSE PRESIDENT!"
Jake turned. A group of terrifying figures entered the room—The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Except… they weren't exactly normal.
Lord BoomBoom – A warlord who believed every problem could be solved with massive explosions. His first words were:
"THE SOLUTION TO EVERYTHING… IS MORE FIREWORKS!!!"
(He immediately blew up a chair to prove his point.)
Duchess Sassy of the Meme Kingdom – She ruled through the power of weaponized internet memes. She threw a phone at Jake's face.
"Look at this! You're already losing! We made a GIF of you sneezing and turned it into propaganda!"
(Jake glanced at the screen. It was already trending with #LamePresident and #SneezeGate.)
Dr. Moist – A scientist obsessed with making everything permanently damp. He whispered:
"This world is too… dry. It must be… moist."
(The entire room immediately felt clammy and disgusting.)
Supreme Emperor Chad – The ultimate alpha male. Every time he flexed, thunder cracked outside. He growled:
"I have 10,000 abs and a million followers on Flexstagram. You? You're just some weakling."
(He proceeded to rip off his own shirt in slow motion. The generals fainted.)
Jake stood up. "Alright, listen. I have NO IDEA what the hell is happening, but I am NOT letting this world go to war over stupidity!"
Lord BoomBoom grinned. "Then FIGHT US, PRESIDENT! Or surrender and hand over the world!"
Jake cracked his knuckles. "You want war? Fine. Let's make this the dumbest war in history."
And with that, WORLD WAR WTF officially began.