The battlefield was a masterpiece of nonsense.
Explosions in the sky. Tanks being dragged instead of driven. The enemy chanting motivational quotes instead of firing weapons. Soldiers throwing rubber chickens instead of grenades.
And Jake, the President, standing in the middle of it all, questioning his life choices.
"Greg," he said, adjusting his sunglasses as an attack pigeon dive-bombed past him, "how the hell did we get here?"
Greg, his ever-loyal assistant, dodged a flaming shopping cart and checked his notes. "Well, sir, after you accidentally declared everyone your enemy, the world powers decided to settle this with an all-out war."
Jake sighed. "Okay. And where are we now?"
Greg looked around. "Currently, every country, secret organization, cult, and doomsday prepper in existence is fighting for control over the planet."
Jake pinched the bridge of his nose. "Great. And who's winning?"
Greg flipped through his battle report. "Um… no one?"
Jake frowned. "No one?"
Greg nodded. "Sir, it's so stupid that even the laws of physics refuse to pick a side."
Just then, an entire army of sentient vending machines rolled into battle, firing cans of soda at supersonic speed.
A general screamed, "THEY'RE USING DIET COKE AS ARTILLERY! TAKE COVER!"
Jake looked up. "Greg. Why?"
Greg shrugged. "Apparently, vending machines were tired of being kicked, so they unionized."
Jake took a deep breath. "Okay, tell me the major threats right now."
Greg held up his clipboard. "We have five major factions, sir. They're all competing for world domination."
THE FIVE GREAT FACTIONS OF IDIOTS: 1. The United States of Chad Leader: Supreme Emperor Chad XIII Motto: "We flex, therefore we win." Weapons: Biceps, protein shakes, and logic-defying abs. Special Power: Can punch reality so hard it rewrites history. 2. The BoomBoom Empire Leader: Lord BoomBoom, the Pyromaniac Philosopher Motto: "If it doesn't explode, it doesn't exist." Weapons: Explosives. Everything is an explosive. Special Power: Can detonate anything, even words. 3. The Meme Kingdom Leader: Duchess Sassy, Queen of the Internet Motto: "War is temporary. Memes are forever." Weapons: Weaponized TikTok trends, distraction-based warfare. Special Power: Can summon an army of simps with a single selfie. 4. The Moist Underground Leader: Dr. Moist, the Master of Humidity Motto: "Why be dry, when you can be... moist?" Weapons: Fog, swamps, and unsettlingly wet handshakes. Special Power: Can make anything damp, including fire, emotions, and nuclear bombs. 5. The Karen Federation Leader: Supreme Overlady Karen Motto: "I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE WAR'S MANAGER!" Weapons: Lawsuits, complaint letters, and pure unfiltered rage. Special Power: Can call the manager of reality itself.
Jake closed his eyes. "Greg."
"Yes, sir?"
"Are you telling me that this war is being fought by gym bros, explosion fanatics, meme lords, a guy obsessed with moisture, and angry Karens?"
Greg nodded. "That's correct, sir."
Jake opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. "What the hell happened to humanity?"
Greg flipped his notes. "Uh… Twitter, mostly."
Jake sighed. "Fine. Which faction is the biggest threat?"
Greg didn't even hesitate. "The Karen Federation."
Jake blinked. "Wait, the Karens? More dangerous than the guys with bombs?"
Greg nodded gravely. "Sir… they already filed lawsuits against time itself."
Jake froze. "Wait. What?"
Greg gulped. "They're suing the concept of waiting. They want instant results for everything. If they win…"
Jake's eyes widened. "Time itself will stop working…"
Greg nodded. "Which means the war will never end."
Jake took a deep breath. "Okay, new plan. We take down the Karens first. Before they cancel reality itself."
Greg adjusted his glasses. "Sir, I must warn you. The Karens have the most terrifying ability known to mankind."
Jake hesitated. "Which is?"
Greg whispered: "Customer Service Manipulation."
Jake shuddered. "Dear god."
Just then, a deafening voice echoed across the battlefield.
"I. WANT. TO. SPEAK. TO. THE. UNIVERSE'S. MANAGER."
A portal in the sky split open.
Jake and Greg watched in horror as a cosmic being with a clipboard and a headset stepped out.
Greg screamed. "Sir! They called the manager of the universe!"
Jake grabbed his radio. "All units! Attack the Karens before they rewrite existence!"
The war had officially reached World War Dumb Levels.
And Jake was the only hope left.