On the 25th March, 18—, a very strange occurrence took place in St Petersburg. On the

Ascension Avenue there lived a barber of the name of Ivan Jakovlevitch. He had lost his family name,

and on his sign-board, on which was depicted the head of a gentleman with one cheek soaped, the

only inscription to be read was, "Blood-letting done here." On this particular morning he awoke pretty

early. Becoming aware of the smell of fresh baked bread, he sat up a little in bed, and saw his wife,

who had a special partiality for coffee, in the act of taking some fresh-baked bread out of the oven.

"Today, Prasskovna Ossipovna," he said, "I do not want any coffee ; I should like a fresh loaf

with onions."

"The blockhead may eat bread only as far as I am concerned," said his wife to herself; "then I

shall have a chance of getting some coffee." And she threw a loaf on the table.

For the sake of propriety, Ivan Jakovlevitch drew a coat over his shirt, sat down at the table,

shook out some salt for himself, prepared two onions, assumed a serious expression, and began to cut

the bread. After he had cut the loaf in two halves, he looked, and to his great astonishment saw

something whitish sticking in it. He carefully poked round it with his knife, and felt it with his finger.

"Quite firmly fixed !' " he murmured in his beard. " What can it be?"

He put in his finger, and drew out—a nose ! Ivan Jakovlevitch at first let his hands fall from

sheer astonishment; then he rubbed his eyes and began to feel it. A nose, an actual nose; and,

moreover, it seemed to be the nose of an acquaintance ! Alarm and terror were depicted in Ivan's face;

but these feelings were slight in comparison with the disgust which took possession of his wife.

"Whose nose have you cut off, you monster ?" she screamed, her face red with anger. " You

scoundrel ! You tippler ! I myself will report you to the police! Such a rascal! Many customers have

told me that while you were shaving them, you held them so tight by the nose that they could hardly

sit still."

"But Ivan Jakovlevitch was more dead than alive ; he saw at once that this nose could belong to

no other than to Kovaloff, a member of the Municipal Committee whom he shaved every Sunday and

Wednesday.

"Stop, Prasskovna Ossipovna ! I will wrap it in a piece of cloth and place it in the corner. There

it may remain for the present; later on I will take it away."

"No, not there! Shall I endure an amputated nose in my room? You understand nothing except

how to strop a razor. You know nothing of the duties and obligations of a respectable man. You

vagabond ! You good-for-nothing ! Am I to undertake all responsibility for you at the police-office?

Ah, you soapsmearer ! You blockhead ! Take it away where you like, but don't let it stay under my eyes! 

"Ivan Jakovlevitch stood there flabbergasted. He thought and thought, and knew not what he

thought.

"The devil knows how that happened ! " he said at last, scratching his head behind his ear. "

Whether I came home drunk last night or not, I really don't know; but in all probability this is a quite

extraordinary occurrence, for a loaf is something baked and a nose is something different. I don't

understand the matter at all." And Ivan Jakovlevitch was silent. The thought that the police might find

him in unlawful possession of a nose and arrest him, robbed him of all presence of mind. Already he

began to have visions of a red collar with silver braid and of a sword—and he trembled all over.

At last he finished dressing himself, and to the accompaniment of the emphatic exhortations of

his spouse, he wrapped up the nose in a cloth and issued into the street.

He intended to lose it somewhere—either at somebody's door, or in a public square, or in a

narrow alley; but just then, in order to complete his bad luck, he was met by an acquaintance, who

showered inquiries upon him.

"Hullo, Ivan Jakovlevitch ! Whom are you going to shave so early in the morning ?" etc., so that

he could find no suitable opportunity to do what he wanted. Later on he did let the nose drop, but a

sentry bore down upon him with his halberd, and said, "Look out ! You have let something drop !" and

Ivan Jakovlevitch was obliged to pick it up and put it in his pocket.

A feeling of despair began to take possession of him ; all the more as the streets became more

thronged and the merchants began to open their shops. At last he resolved to go to the Isaac Bridge,

where perhaps he might succeed in throwing it into the Neva.

But my conscience is a little uneasy that I have not yet given any detailed information about

Ivan Jakovlevitch, an estimable man in many ways.

Like every honest Russian tradesman, Ivan Jakovlevitch was a terrible drunkard, and although

he shaved other people's faces every day, his own was always unshaved. His coat (he never wore an

overcoat) was quite mottled, i.e. it had been black, but become brownish-yellow; the collar was quite

shiny, and instead of the three buttons, only the threads by which they had been fastened were to be

seen.

Ivan Jakovlevitch was a great cynic, and when Kovaloff, the member of the Municipal

Committee, said to him, as was his custom while being shaved, "Your hands always smell, Ivan

Jakovlevitch" the latter answered, "What do they smell of?" "I don't know, my friend, but they smell

very strong." Ivan Jakovlevitch after taking a pinch of snuff would then, by way of reprisals, set to

work to soap him on the cheek, the upper lip, behind the ears, on the chin, and everywhere.

This worthy man now stood on the Isaac Bridge. At first he looked round him, then he leant on

the railings of the bridge, as though he wished to look down and see how many fish were swimming

past, and secretly threw the nose, wrapped in a little piece of cloth, into the water. He felt as though a ton weight had been lifted off him, and laughed cheerfully. Instead, however, of going to shave any

officials, he turned his steps to a building, the sign-board of which bore the legend "Teas served here,"

in order to have a glass of punch, when suddenly he perceived at the other end of the bridge a police

inspector of imposing exterior, with long whiskers, three-cornered hat, and sword hanging at his side.

He nearly fainted; but the police inspector beckoned to him with his hand and said, "Come here, my

dear sir."

Ivan Jakovlevitch, knowing how a gentleman should behave, took his hat off quickly, went

towards the police inspector and said, "I hope you are in the best of health."

"Never mind my health. Tell me, my friend, why you were standing on the bridge."

"By heaven, gracious sir, I was on the way to my customers, and only looked down to see if the

river was flowing quickly."

"That is a lie ! You won't get out of it like that. Confess the truth."

"I am willing to shave Your Grace two or even three times a week gratis," answered Ivan

Jakovlevitch.

"No, my friend, don't put yourself out! Three barbers are busy with me already, and reckon it a

high honour that I let them show me their skill. Now then, out with it ! What were you doing there ?"

Ivan Jakovlevitch grew pale. But here the strange episode vanishes in mist, and what further

happened is not known.