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Chapter 3 - Chapter 3

He reached his house quite wearied out. It was already growing dark. After all his fruitless

search, his room seemed to him melancholy and even ugly. In the vestibule he saw his valet Ivan

stretched on the leather couch and amusing himself by spitting at the ceiling, which he did very

cleverly, hitting every time the same spot. His servant's equanimity enraged him; he struck him on the

forehead with his hat, and said, "You good-for-nothing, you are always playing the fool!"

Ivan rose quickly and hastened to take off his master's cloak.

Once in his room, the Major, tired and depressed, threw himself in an armchair and, after

sighing a while, began to soliloquise : "In heaven's name, why should such a misfortune befall me? If I

had lost an arm or a leg, it would be less insupportable; but a man without a nose ! Devil take it !—

what is he good for? He is only fit to be thrown out of the window. If it had been taken from me in war

or in a duel, or if I had lost it by my own fault! But it has disappeared inexplicably. But no ! it is

impossible," he continued after reflecting a few moments, "it is incredible that a nose can disappear

like that—quite incredible. I must be dreaming, or suffering from some hallucination ; perhaps I

swallowed, by mistake instead of water, the brandy with which I rub my chin after being shaved. That

fool of an Ivan must have forgotten to take it away, and I must have swallowed it."

In order to find out whether he were really drunk, the Major pinched himself so hard that he

unvoluntarily uttered a cry. The pain convinced him that he was quite wide awake. He walked slowly

to the looking-glass and at first closed his eyes, hoping to see his nose suddenly in its proper place; but

on opening them, he started back. "What a hideous sight!" he exclaimed.

It was really incomprehensible. One might easily lose a button, a silver spoon, a watch, or

something similar; but a loss like this, and in one's own dwelling !

After considering all the circumstances, Major Kovaloff felt inclined to suppose that the cause of

all his trouble should be laid at the door of Madame Podtotchina, the Colonel's wife, who wished him

to marry her daughter. He himself paid her court readily, but always avoided coming to the point. And

when the lady one day told him point-blank that she wished him to marry her daughter, he gently

drew back, declaring that he was still too young, and that he had to serve five years more before he

would be forty-two. This must be the reason why the lady, in revenge, had resolved to bring him into

disgrace, and had hired two sorceresses for that object. One thing was certain—his nose had not been

cut off; no one had entered his room, and as for Ivan Jakovlevitch—he had been shaved by him on

Wednesday, and during that day and the whole of Thursday his nose had been there, as he knew and

well remembered. Moreover, if his nose had been cut off he would naturally have felt pain, and

doubtless the wound would not have healed so quickly, nor would the surface have been as flat as a

pancake.

All kinds of plans passed through his head : should he bring a legal action against the wife of a

superior officer, or should he go to her and charge her openly with her treachery? His reflections were interrupted by a sudden light, which shone through all the chinks of the

door, showing that Ivan had lit the wax-candles in the vestibule. Soon Ivan himself came in with the

lights. Kovaloff quickly seized a handkerchief and covered the place where his nose had been the

evening before, so that his blockhead of a servant might not gape with his mouth wide open when he

saw his master's extraordinary appearance.

Scarcely had Ivan returned to the vestibule than a stranger's voice was heard there.

"Does Major Kovaloff live here?" it asked.

"Come in!" said the Major, rising rapidly and opening the door.

He saw a police official of pleasant appearance, with grey whiskers and fairly full cheeks—the

same who at the commencement of this story was standing at the end of the Isaac Bridge. " You have

lost your nose?" he asked.

"Exactly so.'

"It has just been found."

"What—do you say?" stammered Major Kovaloff.

Joy had suddenly paralysed his tongue. He stared at the police commissary on whose cheeks

and full lips fell the flickering light of the candle.

"How was it?" he asked at last.

"By a very singular chance. It has been arrested just as it was getting into a carriage for Eiga. Its

passport had been made out some time ago in the name of an official ; and what is still more strange, I

myself took it at first for a gentleman. Fortunately I had my glasses with me, and then I saw at once

that it was a nose. I am shortsighted, you know, and as you stand before me I cannot distinguish your

nose, your beard, or anything else. My mother-in-law can hardly see at all."

Kovaloff was beside himself with excitement. "Where is it? Where? I will hasten there at once."

"Don't put yourself out. Knowing that you need it, I have brought it with me. Another singular

thing is that the principal culprit in the matter is a scoundrel of a barber living in the Ascension

Avenue, who is now safely locked up. I had long suspected him of drunkenness and theft; only the day

before yesterday he stole some buttons in a shop. Your nose is quite uninjured." So saying, the police

commissary put his hand in his pocket and brought out the nose wrapped up in paper.

"Yes, yes, that is it!" exclaimed Kovaloff. "Will you not stay and drink a cup of tea with me?"

"I should like to very much, but I cannot. I must go at once to the House of Correction. The cost

of living is very high nowadays. My mother-in-law lives with me, and there are several children; the

eldest is very hopeful and intelligent, but I have no means for their education.After the commissary's departure, Kovaloff remained for some time plunged in a kind of vague

reverie, and did not recover full consciousness for several moments, so great was the effect of this

unexpected good news. He placed the recovered nose carefully in the palm of his hand, and examined

it again with the greatest attention.

"Yes, this is it !" he said to himself. "Here is the heat-boil on the left side, which came out

yesterday." And he nearly laughed aloud with delight.

But nothing is permanent in this world. Joy in the second moment of its arrival is already less

keen than in the first, is still fainter in the third, and finishes by coalescing with our normal mental

state, just as the circles which the fall of a pebble forms on the surface of water, gradually die away.

Kovaloff began to meditate, and saw that his difficulties were not yet over; his nose had been

recovered, but it had to be joined on again in its proper place.

And suppose it could not? As he put this question to himself, Kovaloff grew pale. With a feeling

of indescribable dread, he rushed towards his dressing-table, and stood before the mirror in order that

he might not place his nose crookedly. His hands trembled.

Very carefully he placed it where it had been before. Horror! It did not remain there. He held it

to his mouth and warmed it a little with his breath, and then placed it there again; but it would not

hold.

"Hold on, you stupid!" he said.

But the nose seemed to be made of wood, and fell back on the table with a strange noise, as

though it had been a cork. The Major's face began to twitch feverishly. "Is it possible that it won't

stick?" he asked himself, full of alarm. But however often he tried, all his efforts were in vain.

He called Ivan, and sent him to fetch the doctor who occupied the finest flat in the mansion.

This doctor was a man of imposing appearance, who had magnificent black whiskers and a healthy

wife. He ate fresh apples every morning, and cleaned his teeth with extreme care, using five different

tooth-brushes for three-quarters of an hour daily.

The doctor came immediately. After having asked the Major when this misfortune had

happened, he raised his chin and gave him a fillip with his finger just where the nose had been, in such

a way that the Major suddenly threw back his head and struck the wall with it. The doctor said that did

not matter; then, making him turn his face to the right, he felt the vacant place and said " H'm! " then

he made him turn it to the left and did the same ; finally he again gave him a fillip with his finger, so

that the Major started like a horse whose teeth are being examined. After this experiment, the doctor

shook his head and said, "No, it cannot be done. Either remain as you are, lest something worse

happen. Certainly one could replace it at once, but I assure you the remedy would be worse than the

disease.""All very fine, but how am I to go on without a nose?" answered Kovaloff. "There is nothing

worse than that. How can I show myself with such a villainous appearance ? I go into good society,

and this evening I am invited to two parties. I know several ladies, Madame Tchektyriev, the wife of a

state-councillor, Madame Podtotchina—although after what she has done, I don't want to have

anything to do with her except through the agency of the police. I beg you," continued Kovaloff in a

supplicating tone, "find some way or other of replacing it; even if it is not quite firm, as long as it holds

at all; I can keep it in place sometimes with my hand, whenever there is any risk. Besides, I do not

even dance, so that it is not likely to be injured by any sudden movement. As to your fee, be in no

anxiety about that; I can well afford it."

"Believe me," answered the doctor in a voice which was neither too high nor too low, but soft

and almost magnetic, "I do not treat patients from love of gain. That would be contrary to my

principles and to my art. It is true that I accept fees, but that is only not to hurt my patients' feelings

by refusing them. I could certainly replace your nose, but I assure you on my word of honour, it would

only make matters worse. Bather let Nature do her own work. Wash the place often with cold water,

and I assure you that even without a nose, you will be just as well as if you had one. As to the nose

itself, I advise you to have it preserved in a bottle of spirits, or, still better, of warm vinegar mixed with

two spoonfuls of brandy, and then you can sell it at a good price. I would be willing to take it myself,

provided you do not ask too much."

"No, no, I shall not sell it at any price. I would rather it were lost again."

"Excuse me," said the doctor, taking his leave. "I hoped to be useful to you, but I can do nothing

more ; you are at any rate convinced of my good-will." So saying, the doctor left the room with a

dignified air.

Kovaloff did not even notice his departure. Absorbed in a profound reverie, he only saw the

edge of his snow-white cuffs emerging from the sleeves of his black coat.

The next day he resolved, before bringing a formal action, to write to the Colonel's wife and see

whether she would not return to him, without further dispute, that of which she had deprived him.

The letter ran as follows :

To Madame Alexandra Podtotchina,

"I hardly understand your method of action. Be sure that by adopting such a course you will gain

nothing, and will certainly not succeed in making me marry your daughter. Believe me, the story of my

nose has become well known; it is you and no one else who have taken the principal part in it. Its

unexpected separation from the place which it occupied, its flight and its appearances sometimes in

the disguise of an official, sometimes in proper person, are nothing but the consequence of unholy

spells employed by you or by persons who, like you, are addicted to such honourable pursuits. On my

part, I wish to inform you, that if the above-mentioned nose is not restored to-day to its proper place, I shall be obliged to have recourse to legal procedure. "For the rest, with all respect, I have the honour

to be your humble servant,

"Platon Kovaloff."

The reply was not long in coming, and was as follows :

"Major Platon Kovaloff,—

"Your letter has profoundly astonished me. I must confess that I had not expected such unjust

reproaches on your part. I assure you that the official of whom you speak has not been at my house,

either disguised or in his proper person. It is true that Philippe Ivanovitch Potantchikoff has paid

visits at my house, and though he Has actually asked for my daughter's hand, and was a man of good

breeding, respectable and intelligent, I never gave him any hope. " Again, you say something about a

nose. If you intend to imply by that that I wished to snub you, i.e. to meet you with a refusal, I am very

astonished because, as you well know, I was quite of the opposite mind. If after this you wish to ask for

my daughter's hand, I should be glad to gratify you, for such has also been the object of my most

fervent desire, in the hope of the accomplishment of which, I remain, yours most sincerely,

"Alexandra Podtotchina."

"No," said Kovaloff, after having reperused the letter, "she is certainly not guilty. It is

impossible. Such a letter could not be written by a criminal." The committee-man was experienced in

such matters, for he had been often officially deputed to conduct criminal investigations while in the

Caucasus. "But then how and by what trick of fate has the thing happened?" he said to himself with a

gesture of discouragement. "The devil must be at the bottom of it."

Meanwhile the rumour of this extraordinary event had spread all over the city, and, as is

generally the case, not without numerous additions. At that period there was a general disposition to

believe in the miraculous; the public had recently been impressed by experiments in magnetism. The

story of the floating chairs in Koniouchennaia Street was still quite recent, and there was nothing

astonishing in hearing soon afterwards that Major Kovaloffs nose was to be seen walking every day at

three o'clock on the Neffsky Avenue. The crowd of curious spectators which gathered there daily was

enormous. On one occasion someone spread a report that the nose was in Junker's stores and

immediately the place was besieged by such a crowd that the police had to interfere and establish

order. A certain speculator with a grave, whiskered face, who sold cakes at a theatre door, had some

strong wooden benches made which he placed before the window of the stores, and obligingly invited

the public to stand on them and look in, at the modest charge of twenty-four kopecks. A veteran

colonel, leaving his house earlier than usual expressly for the purpose, had the greatest difficulty in

elbowing his way through the crowd, but to his great indignation he saw nothing in the store window

but an ordinary flannel waistcoat and a coloured lithograph representing a young girl darning a

stocking, while an elegant youth in a waistcoat with large lappels watched her from behind a tree. The picture had hung in the same place for more than ten years. The colonel went off, growling savagely to

himself, :How can the fools let themselves be excited by such idiotic stories?"

Then another rumour got abroad, to the effect that the nose of Major Kovaloff was in the habit

of walking not on the Neffsky Avenue but in the Tauris Gardens. Some students of the Academy of

Surgery went there on purpose to see it. A high-born lady wrote to the keeper of the gardens asking

him to show her children this rare phenomenon, and to give them some suitable instruction on the

occasion.

All these incidents were eagerly collected by the town wits, who just then were very short of

anecdotes adapted to amuse ladies. On the other hand, the minority of solid, sober people were very

much displeased. One gentleman asserted with great indignation that he could not understand how in

our enlightened age such absurdities could spread abroad, and he was astonished that the

Government did not direct their attention to the matter. This gentleman evidently belonged to the

category of those people who wish the Government to interfere in everything, even in their daily

quarrels with their wives.

But here the course of events is again obscured by a veil.