Summary: Human experiences suck
Luz watched as her phone finally died out. "Shoot … Well, there goes our weekend movie night." She told the boys. It was a shame, she thought the low power mode would have saved her some more time, but that night of the Owl Beast must have drained it hard. And just when she and Lucci finally became friends. (He may have said Buddy's were something different…but they totally were the same thing. Classic Tsundere move)
"Whaaat?" King pouted as he angrily sipped his soda while sitting on the couch. "But you've sucked me into your horrible fandoms too much for me to let it go! I have to know how Love choice 1 through 8 ends!" Eda questioned her claims that these films were art, but she wasn't here right now to criticize.
"Sadly, this isn't something I can fix." The girl shrugged. "My phone died."
"Oh, then that's easy." Lucci responded. "I'm sure we can find one of mom's necromancy spells somewhere."
"One, show me that spell." Luz had a lot of dead pets she wanted to talk to again. "Two, it's more in the metaphorical sense. My phone basically runs on controlled lightning, and the moment it's gone, pfft, can't use it anymore.
The boy hummed. "Hey King, do we have anymore bottles of lightning?"
"Nah, Eda took it with her on the latest sale. A witch wanted to make it a storm to delay a recital or something for another day."
"Hmmm." Lucci thought about something for a minute. "Well the Boiling Isles is home to Zapapapedes. We can gather one of them and get them to zap it." So cool and potentially dangerous. Sounded like an adventure in itself.
"Thanks, but I'll be pointless if I don't have my phone charger. It's this long cord that the electricity travels through to charge it." Luz kept explaining. "And unfortunately, I left mine at home."
"You have a portal to the human realm. You can go home and back in five minutes tops." King reminded them.
"Yes, the same world I left behind and lied to my mom about being in camp. That human realm." She responded in a blank tone. "If she gets even a hint of my presence their, then I can kiss my summer on the Boiling Isles goodbye."
"Why don't I go then?" Lucci offered, raising his head. "No one would know who I am, I can steal anything undetected, and I'd get to explore someplace new. It's win-win all around."
"You'd go?" She asked.
"You're my buddy, and this is what true buddy's do for each other." Awww. "And if it means I get to learn who stole the ruby slippers, then so be it." Fair enough, the intrigue of the series was addicting.
"Alright, let me draw you up a map, and what a phone charger actually looks like." She pulled out her notebook, scribbling on two fresh pages. "May need to get a new one of these to. I've spent the last fifteen pages working on the light glyph."
"Got it, I'll steal from a stand when I get the chance." Well if he was doing something this big for her, she wouldn't question where it came from.
"Have you ever even been to the Human world before?" Luz asked trepidatiously.
"Not at all, but if mom could survive a three year failing marriage over there, then how hard can it be?" So MANY QUESTI-no. Movie night came first. Her shipping instincts would have to be on hold for the moment.
"Well first, there's one thing you absolutely have to memorize." She said seriously. "Humans are the worst. They crave taking out anything weird and ostracizing it until it's a broken shell of itself."
"That's exactly how mom describes school and Covens." Lucci nodded. "I shall remember this factoid for years to come."
"Next, it's that Gravesfield is by a beach, and the people on that side of town are less rude, but they still won't understand you." Luz continued. "So try to just be as straightforward as possible, and drop any metaphors you have."
"Going to be hard to resist mom's words of the day, but I can manage for an hour or two." The boy nodded.
"And finally, whatever you do, under no circumstances, should you talk to anyone by the name of Rholnaldo Fryman, Connie Mahaswarren, or Greg Universe. The first is an annoying blogger that'll never shut up, the second I'm on bad terms with, and the third is super moody and reclusive."
"Understood." He nodded. "Now …" He paused. "King, how do you use the portal door?"
"You're lucky that Eda forgot to take this with her today, and that she won't be back until later tonight." King took out the key and pressed the eye on it, unveiling the door. "Click it again to open it when you head back to the cabin."
"Hooot." They turned to see a little fly on the wall watching them.
"Oh, Owlbert, you're here." Lucci laughed nervously. "I suppose you won't tell mom what we're trying to do right now?"
"Hoot." They raised a talon at the window menacingly.
"Please, we really, REALLY need to do this for movie night. Whatever you want, I'll get for you, no questions asked.
They looked thoughtful. "Hoot."
"Really, you want to come with me?" Lucci asked.
"You can understand him?" Luz asked. "I thought it was just Eda with a weird magic connection thing she had going on."
"Grandma's an expert with beast keeper magic, you pick up a few things watching them work in action." Once again, so many questions!! "But this can't just be about looking after me, right?"
"Hoot." The owl blushed.
"You have a girlfriend in the human realm?"
"You have a girlfriend!?" Luz shouted with sparkly eyes, ripping out the pages in her notebook and shoving them into Lucci's hands as she made a new one. "Deets, give me the deets."
"Hooot! Hoot!" Hooty landed in Lucci's hair. "Hoot!"
"Well better hurry before Mom gets back, see you guys later!" Lucci leapt through the portal.
"Aww …" Luz pouted. "I'll just ask him later …" She turned to King. "So, wanna see what happens when we draw a glyph on a tree?"
"Heck yeah I do!"
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Owlbert watched as they passed through the trees. "This is the Human Realm?" Lucci asked as they walked through the forest. "This seems … pretty much the same as the Boiling Isles." Eda's hatchling stated bluntly as they trekked through. "A lot more green here though, and the sky's blue. That's weird. Does that mean there's a huge ocean in the sky, just floating right above everyone and waiting to drown all the oblivious souls?"
"Hoot." It was just a different color. In fact, the rain was actually cold.
"Cold rain, hah, a likely story. I suppose there aren't any demons living in the houses either. How else do people expect their stuff to be safe…I mean, they won't be now since we're stealing from them, but any other time it's just practical."
"Hoot."
"Wow, humans are gullible." Lucci deadpanned as they finally made it to a clearing. "And these are the buildings … strange." The boy noted as he looked around. A mostly clear path with paved sidewalks that didn't try to bite you every minute. "So how do you wanna do this? Meet back here in five while you and your 'secret feather buddy' get comfy?"
"Hoot." He pointed to a nearby building.
"Oh, you're making it a lunch date-"
"Hoot!" He pecked his head.
"Lunch-hang out, okay, I got it, geez." He grumbled. "I'll get you your special sesame seed bagel. The things I do for my family." The boy walked inside of the building of the 'Big Donut'. "Hello there good sir, I'd like a sesame seed bagel." Lucci asked the man at the counter.
The teenager with what looked like rings in their ears looked at him, barely giving him a glance as he was more focused on that magic rectangle in his hands. "Yeah yeah Steven, you better have money this time around." They responded. "I can only cover for you so many times."
"Steven?" He asked. "Who the heck is Steven?" It sounded so weird. Just plain Steve would be fine, even then that wasn't the boy's name.
The man behind the counter looked at him funny. "What, you trying out 'another' new identity? First it was El Tigre, now it's some hobo looking boy with weird pointy ears."
Lucci felt his ears and blushed a little. Guess he should've told the boy to bring a hat or something..still didn't excuse this guy for being a jerk. "Like I'm going to listen to someone with cup holders for ears." Lucci grumbled.
"Cupholders!?" The man shouted. "Where the hell do you think you get to criticize me, your sense of fashion is nothing but stars or animals. Have you heard of variety?"
"I have, and it's clear that you don't, thinking you can just go out and wear..that all day." Lucci waved to the man.
"What, wear my uniform for work?" They snarked back.
"No, I meant your face. You gotta be pretty ballsy to walk out in public like that without changing a thing, then again, not sure you have balls."
"Oooohh, this coming from the boy who hasn't had a single girl? Wow, someone's feeling confident."
"Hoot." He's gotta derail this before a fight breaks out. Humans are fragile creatures.
"Yeah yeah." Lucci rolled his eyes, pulling out his wallet. "How many snails is it?"
"I knew you were the dumbest kid in gravesfield, but even special kids are able to actually learn something new, instead of evolving backwards like you're doing." The man continued his rude rant.
"Oh, I have learned a few things here today." The boy narrowed his eyes and grabbed the man by the shirt, bringing his head down to Lucci's level. "I've learned that brat's can exist well beyond elementary school…"
"What the heck are you-!?" Lucci gripped the shirt tighter.
"I've also learned that humans like you always assume you're right about everything and make judgements before even giving me the chance to explain a damn thing…." He spoke. "So I'm going to ask you again. How much, for the, bagel?"
"One … dollar …"
"Why would you make people pay with bugs for-gah, forget it." Lucci covered the boy in a bubble, grabbing the bagel and walking away. "Hope you learn a lesson or two while you're there!" He shouted as he slammed the door shut on the way out. "Can you believe that guy, Owlbert? No respect."
"Hoot." The man was rude, but the hatchling did escalate the situation a little.
"How could I not though? I just wanted to pay and he insults me before he knows me.'
"Hoot."
"... Oh so snails … ah …" Lucci lowered his head, before picking it back up. "Wait, if you knew that before, how come you didn't say anything ahead of time?"
"Hoot." He assumed Lucci was just going to take it after a distraction.
"Right, that was my original plan. The jerk actually made me forget about it." Lucci thought for a second. "Hey, do I have an anger problem?"
"Ho-ho." Hooty gave a middle wing shake. It wasn't prominent, but he let it out in destructive bursts when he was.
"That's fair." He handed the palasmin the food. "So seriously, you're not going to spill a single detail?"
"Hoooot." Hooty wasn't a snitch. Eda would actually be proud of the boy if this was any other situation. She really didn't want him in the human world for some reason.
"Alright alright. Enjoy your date, I'll figure out why a charger resembles a snorse with no legs." The boy looked at Luz's drawing before Owlbert flew off. He'd be able to find the boy again when he heard screaming and or explosions, just like his mother did.
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Connie looked at the new phone options. "Lets see …" She was luckily able to lie to mom about the cause of her broken mobile, ie an attack from a Gem Monster…or a hydrokinetic water witch from space that almost drowned you. So now she was looking for something a little more … less likely to break when a car ran over it. "Do you have any of these in blue?"
"I'll go check the back." The clerk responded, moving to the door to storage as Connie dwelled over what happened in the past few weeks. The entire ocean drained from Gravesfield on the first day of summer, so she was lucky enough to tag along with Steven and the rest of the gems to get it back. His dad joined too…but to say things were awkward between everyone was an understatement.
On one hand, she nearly died and she heard some things that made her want to do so many things that would break the law. On the other, they had a new gem on the team due to some private conversation Lapis and Steven had, and afterwards … Connie and Steven felt closer than ever. Honestly, she should probably start looking more into law, if only to get them a better and more stable life.
Although now came the current problem of said fourth gem on the team. She was really… really attached to Steven, and never so much as left his side, even beginning to alienate anyone else that tried to get close. Connie understood it, Steven freed her from the mirror, but it didn't bug her any less to know the circumstances.
What she wouldn't give to just have him to herself for a change. "Excuse me mam." Spoke a familiar voice. "I'm looking for a 'phone charger'?"
Connie turned, seeing Steven talk to a clerk. And he had a weird, but perfectly fine new look going for him too, with pointy ears and less chub, even a little neck where there wasn't any … and now she was mentally comparing if he was cutter taller or shorter. Taller meant she could have him carry her, but shorter meant she could cradle him when they sat down.
Then again with how many issues his dad brought to the table, he probably needed that cradle … wait, she was getting off topic. The point was he was here, and for once, alone. "Hey, Steven." She walked up to him after he finished talking to the clerk.
"Why is everyone saying th-" The boy shook his head, turning to her. "I mean, hey..ah..really cute girl." He laughed nervously with a little shaking in his voice.
That immediately got an immediate blush from Connie. The two of them were super friendly with each other and hugged a lot, but this was the first time either of them engaged in anything resembling flirting. She didn't know Steven had it in him, and Connie was a bit lost on how to respond. "I…" Come on Connie, don't sound like an idiot. "I want to say … hey really cute boy?" She was an idiot!
"Ah…thanks, I uh, try my best. Doesn't work most of the time, so you know, thanks for noticing." Oh good, he was just as awkward. This moment had a chance to be saved!
"So, whatcha doin here?" Try and strum up casual conversation!
"Getting a phone charger." He answered.
Connie raised an eyebrow. "I didn't even know you had a phone." Steven's place with the gems was nice and furnished, but they were lacking for a lot when it came to appliances.
"Oh, you know, it's…new and recent. I don't really understand how it works to be honest, I've just been watching cats chasing each other most of the time to be honest." That did sound like something Steven would do with a phone.
"Then how about I help?" She smiled. "What kinda phone do you have?"
"Gray, with a rectangular shape."
"Hehehehe." Connie laughed. It was so much like Steven to not know about phone brands and types. "Okay, how about we looked at the designs and you spot the one that looks like yours?" She offered.
"Yeah, sounds good." The boy immediately nodded as they began to browse. "Why do they have so many types? They all do the same thing, why make more than one?"
"Meh, some have better things than others." She responded. "Some don't do much for cheep, some are durable, some have lots of battery life, and some are just corporate scams for money."
"Cooperations, the enemy of all things decent and good in the world." Steven smirked. "It be so much easier if everyone used scrolls here."
That was new. "Scrolls? Like old timey before book scrolls?"
Steven looked like he wanted to slap himself in the head for saying something stupid. "Ah, no, I mean, I've just…been reading this book where everyone's able to talk to each other using magic paper like scrolls, and it just….sounded really good?"
"Nice." She smiled. "I knew I'd get you into fantasy books without my help." He always seemed against the idea when she brought it up.
"Well, when your life is already a fantasy, you tend to forget about escapism from time to time."
She rolled her eyes. "Careful, you're almost sounding like Noceda."
The boy blinked when she spoke of 'she who shall note be named. "Noceda, like Luz?"
"Yeah. Ever since she got sent away to camp it's been a lot calmer and peaceful around town." She responded. "Not that I don't like our adventures together, but she can be … overzealous with fantasies." Connie grimace.
"I guess that makes sense, but better to have an imagination than none at all, right?" Steven countered, lifting her mood just a little bit.
"You always look for the best in others, don't you Steven?" She smiled at him.
"I.." The boy looked flummoxed by what she said. "I…I guess that's something I could work to be better at."
"Not saying it's a bad thing." She smiled, patting his back. "It makes you … you. Just be careful … sometimes giving too much faith just leads to heartache." Like what happened with Mr Universe … just dear god.
"Yeah…I can get that." He started to look down just a little bit. Did she say something to offend him? Crap, she needed to fix this.
"I like your new look. It gives off a bit of a Good Witch Azura vibe." She tried to offer.
"Just something different I wanted to try. You probably won't see much more of it after today..."
"Because shape shifting is hard on your body." She finished for him.
"Pffft, what?!" Steven fell over.
"...Was I not supposed to notice?" Connie asked, looking at him in concern. "The ears make it a little obvious.
"I ah...oh look, there's the phone." He looked at the display showing it, and grabbed the cable. "Look at the time, I gotta go do something, see you later!"
"Alright, see you later Stev-" She paused. "Wait, did you need me to pay or something!?" Connie got no respons as he bursted out the door. How weird.
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"Alright, got the charger, and a spare notebook." Lucci looked down at the bag. "And other than one jerk human, a pretty human, and a human being eaten by a moving metal monster, the earth isn't that bad." Lucci didn't run into too much trouble, but parts of it left him just a little weirded out.
"Hoot." Owlbert came flying in, landing on his head.
"Oh Owlbert, I had the weirdest conversation with a human girl. She was really pretty, but a lot of what she said made me think more deeply than I ever wanted to think."
"Hoot."
"No, it is not love." The boy argued. The girl reminded him a lot of Skara, really nice and friendly with more than above average looks. "She was only talking to me because she thought I was someone named Steven."
"Hoot?"
"Yeah, guess that's a common name here. That or this Steven guy is stealing my good looks." Lucci snickered. "Anyways, I'm not sure what to think of her. A lot of what she said was nice, but some of it made me feel a little uncomfortable."
"Hoot?"
Lucci didn't feel like unpacking the part about looking for the best in others problems he had…at least not today. "She didn't have many nice things to say about Luz. Yeah, she can get carried away, but she's just really eager. It's not her fault her go-getter attitude doesn't get appreciated here."
"Hoot."
"Yeah, you're right. Some people were just born in the wrong world." Didn't make it easier though. "Now come on, we've gotta get back to the door." Lucci walked through the forest, listening to the odd sounds. The strange birds, the rustling winds, the heavy footsteps, the calming river, the leaves blowing in the breeze-wait a minute.
"Oh come on, I just want to go back home. What can possibly be trying to follow me now?" Lucci sighed, hoping that whoever was behind him, didn't mistake him for some guy named Steven again.
He turned to see … a giant ball of pink fur, gazing intently at him. A giant mane that looked like a collection of cotton candy, wide and innocent looking eyes that clearly held a strong and fierce creature on the inside. It had a snout with a heart shaped nose, and something about it reminded him of a giant cat for some reason.
"... Hooty, you have an answer for what I'm looking at?"
"Hoot."
"A lion?" He blinked, letting out a grin. "Alright, let's see if it tastes better than lion lickers." He's been here for this long, might as well go for it for all the trouble he's put himself through today.
"Mrrrrrr. " It lightly growled as it slowly stood up and walked forward at him…and pressed itself against him, laying its giant pink fluff on top of him.
"What, no, don't get attached." Lucci argued. "How am I supposed to devour you if you befriend me?" Lucci may have committed several crimes, but he would never betray a creature he's grown emotional too.
"Mrrrrrr." It growled again as it pressed down harder on him, meeting him eye to eye and nuzzling him nose to nose.
"Gah, fine." Lucci groaned. "I'll keep you as a pet. But if you die in the boiling isles, I reserve the right to not feel upset, alright?"
"Mrrrr." Glad to see an understanding had been made.
"Hoot."
"We could say he wandered out of the portal after Luz went to snag something from the human world." Mom wouldn't get upset with Luz for wanting to grab her own stuff.
"Hoot?"
"She let Luz wander into our world, didn't she?"
"... Hoot." That was an oddly quiet agreement.
" Mrrrr." The lion pressed his mane down on his head, burring deep in his fluff.
"Death by kindness! Mom always said it could happen!" Lucci panicked as tried to pry the creature off. "I need you to get off…" He felt his hand sink into the mane…and sink…and sink…and… "Huh?" He noticed that the lion's mane was glowing in the spot's his hand were. "I thought magic didn't exist on earth?" He asked curiously.
"Mrr."
"You want me to grab something?" He pondered, shrugging. "Okay, magical pink Lion." Lucci went along with it, and reached for something, anything. Was this a human tradition Luz forgot to tell him about? "Don't know what you expect me to grab, all i'm feeling is ai-huh. Got something."
The Lion finally got off of him as he pulled it out. Out of the mane, a giant Pink sword came out. "Whoa, magic cat, magic sword." He gazed at the blade.
"Mmmrrr."
"Thank you Lion … now to the Boiling isles we go." He once more made his way to the shack, pulling out the key and clicking it. "Trust me, once you get used to the danger, it's a pretty lovely place."
"Hey, giant Lion! Giant Pink Lion! Where are you!?" Another voice , sounding vaguely male-ish, shouted in the air. He turned, seeing … an exact copy of himself come through, except a little shorter, chubbier, and with round ears. "You've gotta stop running away! It's getting hard to-" The boy stopped, staring at him.
Lucci stared at this lookalike for a while, before letting out a small smirk as a lot of the day's events started to fit. "You've got a great look, don't wear it out." And with that, he walked back to his true home.
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King watched as the portal opened, Lucci waking back in. "I'm back … what's with the glasses?"
"We were trying to see how big we could make the light glyph …" Luz answered. "Side note, I may or may not be blind for the next few hours."
"Shame, I brought something over from the human world I think you'd love to see." Lucci twirled around a really big and really pink sword. "I found this giant flower sword inside of a pink lion's head. You never told me cats could be pink in the human world."
"… That's because they can't." She started with confusion."Are you sure you used the door right?"
"The door only leads to one place and one place alone." King stated. He may have not gone to the human world much, but he knew there was no other place it led to. "Eh, Magic always leaks into human realm stuff and vice versa. Maybe a discarded potion or a hex fell on top of whatever you found."
"That might be it …" Lucci muttered, looking at the thing, then back at the door. "I guess the guy didn't follow … hey Hooty, you want a maybe-magic sword?"
"Wait, why does Hooty get it?" Luz asked.
"I'm only giving it to someone I trust to decapitate my enemies, King's arms are too stumpy to swing it, and Mom would probably sell it … then again I might be able to store a little cash if I sell it myself …"
"PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME HAVE IT!" Luz attempted to jump on the boy, only to fall on her face.
"First off, you're begging a window. Second, again, I only trust lethal weapons to people willing to be lethal with them."
"I can totally be lethal! I would've stabbed the squid jerk more if you guys didn't eat him to shreds! And I shoved fireworks down Warden Wrath's throat!" Luz shouted, now facing the kitchen table. "Please!? Just until I get my magic staff, then I'll give it back to you and you can do whatever you want with it!"
Lucci looked like he was about to say no, but a look of long thought and contemplation filled his expression. "...Fine, the sword is yours." He relented.
"Really? Thought you'd haggle just a little. No Lion Lickers as payment?" King raised an eyebrow.
"Just…thinking about a conversation I had earlier." He answered, tossing the blade.
"Magic sword!" She missed completely, the blade nearly dicing her head as it went clean through the wall. "So where is it?"
"I'll show you once you actually get your sight back. Then you can go as crazy as you want." Lucci collapsed on the couch.
"So how was Earth?" King asked.
"It's mundane, nothing makes sense, and not to mention the social structure is all messed up." Lucci groaned.
"Tried to warn you."'Luz retorted.
"No seriously, everything you said didn't do it justice. I ran into one mega jerk that couldn't go ten seconds without insulting me and one really nice person that just made me feel confused. And everyone just kept calling me Steven because there was this one guy that looked a little like me."
"Oh, that totally fits into my alternate version theory." Luz responded. "I've had it ever since I realized Willow and Amity looked like these girls at my school."
"Yikes, I don't want to even touch that can of worms." The door opened, but Lucci didn't hear it. "The point is I'm never going to the human realm again."
" Again you say?" The room became very quiet. "No no, keep talking. Let me hear how bad everyone gets punished." Oh titan why?